Where have I gone?

I'm really in the mood to blog and I am really trying harder to blog more and more so that maybe I can get some of my readers back! Haha

But seriously I really am trying to blog more and I am in the mood to write but I just have nothing to write about. I feel like I have dissapeared.

Do you ever feel like you have just dissapeared? Like you really are living in your "own little world."  Thats how I feel lately.

I feel like if I didn't show up to work every day to put my 8 hours in or to the hospital every Monday for them to change the dressings on my Picc line that people wouldn't even notice that I didn't sow up. They would just think " Oh well she's sick or .. something. Whatever."

I feel like that becuase I don't have anyone in my life that I have actual contact with but my parents and older sister. I have friends that I talk to online or text, I have my little sister who I text, or chat with whatever but I don't ever see her. She lives in California. I talked to them online during my 8 hours of work then I go home. And I'm alone. I feel like I have more contact with bill collecters and the State of Utah Constable then I do anyone else.

I know that I am choosing to go right to my room after I get off work at 3pm and watch movies until 8:30pm when I decide to go to bed it just feels like I really have dissapeared. I saw my dad last night for the first time in a week...that is crazy i have not gone wih out seeing him every single day ever in my life other then time I am out of town. ..

Since I have move in with Meagen, I really miss my parents. Yes I see my mom at work everyday but its different being with her at work then home, and like I said I hardly see my dad anymore Why haveI dissapeared? Last week my cell phone was disconnected becuase I was not able to pay the bill. And ya know what? I didn't even care. No one ever calls me or text messages me why why waist the 80 dollars a month for nothing. I feel like I should delete my facebook account no one ever writes me or anything so again.. whats the point? Why have I dissapeared?

Anyway.. on a different note.

I was thinking about when I was in Jr. High and how I was more focused on dancing and my friends then I ever was in my school work. I always just use to blame it on " I just don't learn well in big classes." Which was not the case. I was just simply a terrible student who did not care. I wish I knew then what I know now. I just keep thinking to myself  " Why didn't I just do my homework?" " Why didn't I just show up and participate and study for my tests and accomplish good work and good grades?" I think about now if I were to ever go back to school I would work so hard, I would study for tests even if " It doesnt effect my grade" I would feel like I would have accomplished something and would feel great about doing good in my projects, homework, and tests. What a good feeling that would have been able to have when I had the chance. Instead. I blew it. Big time.

I want to set goals for myself so that I can have that feeling of accomplishment. My goals will probably be someone else's second nation or part of their daily routin but to mine its not.

Goal number One: I am going to be more smart with my money. I know that I don't make alot of money to begin with, and every pay day I try to pay as many bills as I can. But I could pay more if I didn't buy that one shirt from target, or I didn't go out lunch one day, or I don't go and buy a new movie to watch becuase I am sick of watching all the others that I have. I need to be smart with the little amount of money that I have. I need to make the payment when I tell which ever debt collector or doctors office that I talk to and say that I will make a payment. It is a terrible feeling not knowing how you are going to pay bills, put gas in your car and food in your stomache. I know that no one ever has enough money, but I think that for me personally it would make a huge difference just saving a little bit more rather then going shopping for crap I do not need what so ever. It will be hard. I have a real impulse shopper syndrom.

Goal Number 2: I want to take the oppurtunities to be with friends and meet new people when I get the chance to instead of just always thinking of some reason why I can't. When in reality, I have nothing else going on, and then I just sit in my room alone and depressed becuase I have no friends. This past week I got the oppurtunity to go and see THRILLER with Meagen, Rashelle, and Whitley. It was so nice to be out with friends who are such great and fun people. I had never met Whitley before, and I just had so much fun being around someone new and just having fun. We had an amazing time at Thiller, everyone loved it and we all needed some time with friends. I had such a great time and I went home that night feeling happier then I have in months. I want that feeling more often. I need to take those oppurtunities when they come to me.. I love you girls!

Goal Number 3: I want to read more books. In pretty much everything in my life I go threw phases with. I will be obsessed with Knitting for like 3 months and then I get bored and just want nothing to do with it anymore. As goes for reading. When I was in school I hated to read. HATED READING. And now I love it. I love how the second you start a new book your imagination automatically starts picturing the characters in the book and where its taking place in.  I love knowing that even though a million others have read the book that your reading but only you know how you picture everything in it. Plus... I just feel smart reading hehe. I use to love going to the book store and jut finding a corner to sit in and read for hours. I could just look threw all of the books there for hours. But ... I can no longer afford to buy books even though I love to. So this last week Meagen and I went and got Library cards so that we can read all the books that we havent yet without having to take out a loan to buy a book =) My first 3 books that I got are " The Shack", " Escaped" and a book on Fibromyalgia. When something has taken over your life you can never learn enough about it...

Goal number 4:  Start being healthier. I know that I will never be a healthy person.. I'm just not. But there are alot of things that I can change to make myself feel better health wise and make me feel better about myself. I have never felt this bad about in myself before. I am huge and I have gained so much weight that non of my clothes fit, my body hurts so bad becuase of the 50 pounds that I have gained in the past 4 months. ( I am not exaggerating about that weight) My  body is not use to carrying around all that extra weight. I feel and look terrible. I know that I am my own worst enemy but I look terrible. I am going to start working out if only for a half hour every other day until my body gets more use to it and can handle more. I have said this so many times and I never do it, but when I have said this in the past I did not weigh 50 pound over what I usually weigh. I didn't hve people asking me every single day If I'm pregnant and I did not cry everytime I get dressed for the day becuse nothing fits me.

Wish me luck on my goals.. And hope that I no longer feel like I have dissapeared from the world... I feel blue..