Depressed Much?

I have been feeling very depressed lately. I am writting in red. Red is an angry color. Im angry!

Perhaps becuase I have not taken my anti depressant for like 3 weeks. Hm. I should get on that.

If you don't want to hear me bitch about things then you probably don't want to read this post.

First of all, I am so sick of being fat and not having any control over it. I am not trying to be one of those girls who says that so they can get replys that say " Oh your not fat"..Please don't do that to me. Becuase I am fat. I am so sick of people mistaking me for being pregnant. I went to have the dressings on my picc line changed last week and the nurse said " So do you have this in becuase of complications with your pregnancy?"... It is really depressing going from a size 0 to a size 9 and it being completely out of your control... The huge sweatshirts and pants that use to drown me are now the only thing I can get into and even those do not fit me becuase they are to small. Its really depressing and is really hard on your self esteem looking into the mirror and hating your hair becuase its not colored but you don' thave the money to have it done. Or your skin is white and pasty becuase your sick. Its really really depressing and frustrating.

Reason number two. I am really sick of people thinking that becuase I am not in school just working full time is a bad thing. I just had a guest check into the hotel and she asked " So are you in school?" ... No... " Oh, well then your already done?" No... Im not in school " Oh... well when are you planning on going?" So what becuase I'm not in school everything else that I am doing in life is just worthless? That really bugs. Which brings me to my next subject. I am really sick of people complaining about how they are in school and its so stressfull and they have so much homework. Get over it. Be greatful you have the oppurtunity to further your education.

Reason number... I forget what number im on. Why does everything have to hit at once? Why does my family go threw so much and it all hits at once. Meagen loosing her job, everyone is sick.. EVERYONE.. Madi and Brady struggling in California, blah blah blah its so frustrating! I know that everyone has their problems but I swear it is just one shit storm after another in my family... .we can never catch a freaking break.

Why is this "trial" with my crappy health never ending? MINE IS NEVER ENDING. Why do I have to be a 22 year old that has to use a freaking cathadar do take a freaking pee! And what I have to worry about everyday is who is going to pump the medicine in my picc line that goes straight to my heart. Ya thats not terrifying at all. Or every monday I have to go to the hospital to have the dressings changed on it. And what if I go back into renal failure again becuase I my surgery is not ever going to be approved. If it is not one thing it is another. I HATE being a 22 year old that has been on narcotics since I was 15 years old just so that I can function day to day. I HATE it.

I am lonely. I have friends but I never see them. I  have no boyfriend. Which sucks. I am so not one of those girls that always has to have a boyfriend but I am lonely. Come on!


I think that I am done bitching for now. But becuase I just made everyone listen to me vent about being depressed I have some good news to share

Im going to have surgery soon!!!!

Well hopefully.

I went to see the surgeon on Friday, and he just looked at me and said you deffinitly need to have this surgery and I will do whatever it takes to get it done. So today I just have to send him in my journal that I did when I had the test unit in and he will add it to my chart and make his notes and send it into my insurance to get it approved. Yay! So Cross your fingers that it will be approved by this week.... This makes me so happy I am crying!! When I got home from the doctor I went into my room and just started crying and I was kind of in shock of thinking that this could all be over with in a few weeks! I could have my normal stomach again I can pee again I don't have to worry every single morning if I am going to be able to feel my legs. My stomach is so huge that it is pinching nerves that go to my legs just like pregnant women get. I don't have to worry every single day that if I'm feeling worse then yesterday am I going back into renal failure? When I am hungry I don't have to think " Hmm what is going to be the easiest to throw up?" Becuase I can't keep anything down. I am so excited that this may all be over with soon!!! Yay!!!!

I hope people do not read this and think that I am not greatful for the good things that I have in my life. I am so greatful for my family. I love them so much. I miss Madi and Brady and Kelvin so much I wish that they lived closer so that we could spend more time with them. I am so greatful for my parents who take such good care of me when I am sick. My mom who is never not by my side whenever I am in the hospital, or having a procedure done, or am to sick to drive myself to the doctor she is always there no matter what. My dad who is always taking good care of me when I am at home sick. A few weeks ago he had to give me shots every 4 hours and when I would cry because they hurt so bad he would stay with me and make sure I was okay. I am so greatful for the oppurtunity to be able to move in with my meagen my best friend! I have had so much fun living with her and she is so great. She knows that I can't help out much with rent but she lets me live there anyway. Hehe... I love her so much she has been taking such good care of me while I have been sick too. I love my family so much and I have the greatest second family too! My neighbors the Doxeys.... They are so amazing! They take such good care of me. Whenever someone in my family is not able to sit with me when I am sick or in the hospital they are always there to make sure I am not alone, and to give me blessings, and movies to watch, and love and prayers. They are so amazing a few months ago they gave me a car that they were not in need of anymore and it has been such a great blessing. I was never going to be able to afford a car on my own when my other one broke ( RIP Green car) They have been great they come and check the oils and fluids in it and this weekend I ended up getting a nail in one of my tires and they just took my car over to get the tire repaired for me. They are so amazing I love them so so much! I know I bitch about work alot but I really am so greatful to have a job that is understanding and always works with me whenever I need time off. I am so greatful that they have always kept my job for me whenever I have been gone for months at a time. They really are so great and I love working here. I love it so much that this months is my 6 year here... I don't know if I should be proud of that or depressed. Hm. I am really greatful for all of my friends who have spread the word around about my hopeforholli.blogspot.com site. And for Mckenna for taking the time to make it and get the word out that is so awesome and I have never had anyone do anything like that for me. I feel so loved. Thank you!

I know that this is more of a personal journal for me to vent and get my feelings out I didnt mean to offend anyone or sound un greatful. I'm sorry for the bitch session. I should be done.. for a few days atleast  =)