I feel like my life is a broken record. This month is the 6 year anniversary of me working at the hotel. SIX YEARS.. Thats a long time. And looking back at when I first started and where I am today.. not much has changed. I started working there as a breakfast girl only working Saturdays because I was only 16 years old. I did that for about 3 years until I got a new boss who was impossible to respect because she did nothing worth respecting and I just could not work for her. Luckily the Front Desk needed help.
I feel like I am great a the front desk. I am proud of how well I know the system, the guests, everything. I think I feel that way because I was never actually trained on the desk. I would come in on my own time and do the computer training just so that I could learn it and then one day they just called and said "Hey can you come in we are busy?" I never got the proper training. I love the fact that I can answer the phone and answer any question that I may be asked. I feel very confident at what I do and that is very important. However, even though I think that I do a great job at the hotel I feel very unappreciated and that is a really big blow to your moral. I know that 99 percent of the reason I have not ever left the hotel is because I do not like change. I do not like not knowing what I am doing. I hate the stress and anxiety of job interviews and when you get a new job its learning something completely new and you know your going to screw up and those problems fall on others because you don't know what you are doing. I know this because I am the one who trains people at the hotel. Its frustrating to say the least.
I feel depressed about having worked at the hotel for 6 years. I have seen a lot of managers come and go, a lot of employees come and go and I don't know how to explain the way it makes me feel when I hear that people are leaving because they got better job offers, more money, a place with less drama, whatever the reason is... they left... they moved on. I have not moved on in 6 YEARS!!!
Around this time last month I was given a promotion, I became the Front Desk Supervisor. I was so happy and excited and proud of myself for it. Now, I think that it means absolutely nothing. All it means is that I am doing the work that someone does not want to do themselves. I have no authority I get treated just the same as any other employee ( Not that I am looking for praise or anything like that at all ) Its just very discouraging to be given a promotion you feel like you worked so hard for and you deserved but it really means nothing. All it means is that I get paid .25 cents more an hour to do the work I was already doing. I have been there for so long and I know that I will never go anywhere furter then where I am now. I have nothing to show for the time and hard work that I have put in. And im my opinion I am a very hard worker and a valuable employee, and after being there so long you would think your employer would realize that too.... No such luck there.
I know this sounds ridiculous but every time I go somewhere I have the biggest fear that I am going to run into someone from high school or where ever and they are going to tell me all about their husband or boyfriend and great job or whatever and I have nothing to tell them but " Oh yah I still work at the same place I worked out when I was a Junior in High School..." Everything is the same. It has become so routine that some days I dont even know what day it is because every day is the same.
. Get up at 5:10am
. Be to work at 7am
. While at work do the exact same "check list" that I do every single day.
. Get off work at 3
. Get home, change into pajamas becuase why change into anything else I don't ever go anywhere.
. Walk the dog
. Do whatever until 8:30 ... Watch tv, clean my room, watch a movie, play with the dog whatever.
.At 8:30 go to bed... Yes thats right EIGHT THIRTY!
All I do is work. I have friends who are great and mean so much to me but I never ever see them. So I have no friends that I can go hang out with I have no boyfriend to be with and to spend time with I don't even have a dog that I could pretend is human to talk to.
I am so sick of my life being routine. Nothing ever happends, and when something happeneds its never anything good. Its just one shit storm after another. I am so sick of going into the same job and doing the EXACT same thing everything day. Going home after work and doing the exact same thing. My life feels like a broken record.
I have been thinking about a few things that have happened over this past year, some have been good and some have been bad. But I think about the things that were good and that made me so happy I just wish I that that happiness would stay.
. Finally ended things with Jesse. ( That was a heartbreaking terrible experience but something that needed to end and now I can't thank God enough that it did.)
.Started seeing Alex ( Good thing)
.Said goodbye to Alex ( bad thing.. I swear I always have to stay goodbye to the people that I love)
. Got a promotion ( No change there... )
. Went into Renal Failure ( Does that sound like fun?!)
. Became an aunt ( Awesome!! What a cool experience I just wish I could see my nephew more often.)
. Went on a road trip to St. George with Meagen ( Awesome trip! It was so nice to get away. It was right around the time that I had started to feel a little bit better and I just really needed some sister time and it was awesome! We never left the hotel but it was great!)
. Had surgery and afterwards littleraly thought that I was going to die I was so so sick.
. Moved out of my parents house and moved in with Meagen ( So far so good!)
I feel unhappy. Depressed. Stressed and lonely. I just want something new in life. I need a new challenge that is not fighting with my insurance compny to get a life altering surgery approved. I just feel so pathetic having worked at the same place for 6 years and only making 9 dollars an hour. I need something new but I feel like I am tied down here becuase not only do I need to keep my insurance but becuase I hate change. I need a change so bad in life but I am to scared to go find it. And maybe its not a new job that I need. Maybe if I was happier outside of the hotel then I would be happier at work. I feel like nothing that is going on in my life is a good thing. I am frustrated with work. I am frustrated with my health. I just want to feel better already. I am running out of patience. Maybe I need friends, a boyfriend, a dog, something I just really need something but I don't know what nor do I know how to find it.
Someone please help me find what I am looking for. . .
1 comment:
Oh Holli I understand your feelings all too well. I may not comprehend your health problems, but you know my story. There were times where I felt like I had to fight for my life. I'm just recently discovering the rewards of positive thinking. I left a job that I have been out for nearly 3 years. I started looking for a new job 1 1/2 ago. But it was just a half measured attempt. I finally found a new job and ended up going back to the old one after 4 days. Nothing much has changed here, there's a little less stress. But it's still the same company. The same boss, the same co-workers, the same job. I decided that I was only making myself more miserable by looking at all the negatives about my job. After making a conscious decision to look at things with a different perspective, I like my job today. I'm so happy that you live so close now. We have no excuse to not hang out anymore. Just walk out your front door, down the stairs up the stairs and you're at my house. I am so happy we have been given a second chance at our friendship. I think we're going to have a lot of great times together. Please remember that I love you and I'm here. You can call me (or even just show up) any time you want!
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