Where have I gone?

I'm really in the mood to blog and I am really trying harder to blog more and more so that maybe I can get some of my readers back! Haha

But seriously I really am trying to blog more and I am in the mood to write but I just have nothing to write about. I feel like I have dissapeared.

Do you ever feel like you have just dissapeared? Like you really are living in your "own little world."  Thats how I feel lately.

I feel like if I didn't show up to work every day to put my 8 hours in or to the hospital every Monday for them to change the dressings on my Picc line that people wouldn't even notice that I didn't sow up. They would just think " Oh well she's sick or .. something. Whatever."

I feel like that becuase I don't have anyone in my life that I have actual contact with but my parents and older sister. I have friends that I talk to online or text, I have my little sister who I text, or chat with whatever but I don't ever see her. She lives in California. I talked to them online during my 8 hours of work then I go home. And I'm alone. I feel like I have more contact with bill collecters and the State of Utah Constable then I do anyone else.

I know that I am choosing to go right to my room after I get off work at 3pm and watch movies until 8:30pm when I decide to go to bed it just feels like I really have dissapeared. I saw my dad last night for the first time in a week...that is crazy i have not gone wih out seeing him every single day ever in my life other then time I am out of town. ..

Since I have move in with Meagen, I really miss my parents. Yes I see my mom at work everyday but its different being with her at work then home, and like I said I hardly see my dad anymore Why haveI dissapeared? Last week my cell phone was disconnected becuase I was not able to pay the bill. And ya know what? I didn't even care. No one ever calls me or text messages me why why waist the 80 dollars a month for nothing. I feel like I should delete my facebook account no one ever writes me or anything so again.. whats the point? Why have I dissapeared?

Anyway.. on a different note.

I was thinking about when I was in Jr. High and how I was more focused on dancing and my friends then I ever was in my school work. I always just use to blame it on " I just don't learn well in big classes." Which was not the case. I was just simply a terrible student who did not care. I wish I knew then what I know now. I just keep thinking to myself  " Why didn't I just do my homework?" " Why didn't I just show up and participate and study for my tests and accomplish good work and good grades?" I think about now if I were to ever go back to school I would work so hard, I would study for tests even if " It doesnt effect my grade" I would feel like I would have accomplished something and would feel great about doing good in my projects, homework, and tests. What a good feeling that would have been able to have when I had the chance. Instead. I blew it. Big time.

I want to set goals for myself so that I can have that feeling of accomplishment. My goals will probably be someone else's second nation or part of their daily routin but to mine its not.

Goal number One: I am going to be more smart with my money. I know that I don't make alot of money to begin with, and every pay day I try to pay as many bills as I can. But I could pay more if I didn't buy that one shirt from target, or I didn't go out lunch one day, or I don't go and buy a new movie to watch becuase I am sick of watching all the others that I have. I need to be smart with the little amount of money that I have. I need to make the payment when I tell which ever debt collector or doctors office that I talk to and say that I will make a payment. It is a terrible feeling not knowing how you are going to pay bills, put gas in your car and food in your stomache. I know that no one ever has enough money, but I think that for me personally it would make a huge difference just saving a little bit more rather then going shopping for crap I do not need what so ever. It will be hard. I have a real impulse shopper syndrom.

Goal Number 2: I want to take the oppurtunities to be with friends and meet new people when I get the chance to instead of just always thinking of some reason why I can't. When in reality, I have nothing else going on, and then I just sit in my room alone and depressed becuase I have no friends. This past week I got the oppurtunity to go and see THRILLER with Meagen, Rashelle, and Whitley. It was so nice to be out with friends who are such great and fun people. I had never met Whitley before, and I just had so much fun being around someone new and just having fun. We had an amazing time at Thiller, everyone loved it and we all needed some time with friends. I had such a great time and I went home that night feeling happier then I have in months. I want that feeling more often. I need to take those oppurtunities when they come to me.. I love you girls!

Goal Number 3: I want to read more books. In pretty much everything in my life I go threw phases with. I will be obsessed with Knitting for like 3 months and then I get bored and just want nothing to do with it anymore. As goes for reading. When I was in school I hated to read. HATED READING. And now I love it. I love how the second you start a new book your imagination automatically starts picturing the characters in the book and where its taking place in.  I love knowing that even though a million others have read the book that your reading but only you know how you picture everything in it. Plus... I just feel smart reading hehe. I use to love going to the book store and jut finding a corner to sit in and read for hours. I could just look threw all of the books there for hours. But ... I can no longer afford to buy books even though I love to. So this last week Meagen and I went and got Library cards so that we can read all the books that we havent yet without having to take out a loan to buy a book =) My first 3 books that I got are " The Shack", " Escaped" and a book on Fibromyalgia. When something has taken over your life you can never learn enough about it...

Goal number 4:  Start being healthier. I know that I will never be a healthy person.. I'm just not. But there are alot of things that I can change to make myself feel better health wise and make me feel better about myself. I have never felt this bad about in myself before. I am huge and I have gained so much weight that non of my clothes fit, my body hurts so bad becuase of the 50 pounds that I have gained in the past 4 months. ( I am not exaggerating about that weight) My  body is not use to carrying around all that extra weight. I feel and look terrible. I know that I am my own worst enemy but I look terrible. I am going to start working out if only for a half hour every other day until my body gets more use to it and can handle more. I have said this so many times and I never do it, but when I have said this in the past I did not weigh 50 pound over what I usually weigh. I didn't hve people asking me every single day If I'm pregnant and I did not cry everytime I get dressed for the day becuse nothing fits me.

Wish me luck on my goals.. And hope that I no longer feel like I have dissapeared from the world... I feel blue..

The Big Mac!

I know that alot of the readers of my blog are also readers of my sisters blog ( Some that are very opionated but thats whole other post in its self! I am looking forward to posting it so stay tuned!) Alot of you have may already seen this up for sale but it can't hurt to post it somewhere new.

ANYWAY!!!

My sister Meagen is trying to sell her big iMac computer.

I don't know anything about this computer other then its awesoome. But here is some details on it :

iMac G5 with Mighty Mouse and new keyboard. Runs great! Has the most current OS, iLife 08, and Microsoft Office.

The asking price for it is set at $650.00. It really is a great computer, also awesome to use for watching movies!

 If you would like more information contact me holli dot ridley at yahoo dot com and I will get the information for you. You can also contact Meagen at meagenridley at gmail dot com

Please pass the word along... We would really like to stay in our apartment  =)

You know...

** Authors note: I really tried to add pictures to all of these but my computer was not allowing me to do all of them and the ones it would upload were taking FOR EV ER... Sorry I tried!.. I added links to all of them so check them out!)


Who I love more then anything in the world= My family.


Who I adore= Zack and Niesha They are such a cute couple and are going to make such great parents one day, I hope that day comes soon for them!

Who I admire = McKenna Akebrand she is an AMAZING person. I have always admired her since 7th grade. She is the perfect example of someone who sets goals and dreams and if you work hard enough they will come true. She is a wonderful wife to her husband and will be a great mother to her children one day, her caring and loving personality makes it hard for anyone not to admire her.

Who I learn from every day = The guests at the hotel. Everyone has a story. And you should never judge by first impressions. You never know what their story is or what is going on in their lives.

Who has given me great advice = Anthony Sullivan " Kill them with kindess" and Chrstina Yang " Just dance it out"

Who I am greatfull for= My friend Rashell. She also has Fibro and it is so nice to have someone who understands everything you go threw every single day. She has been there for a shoulder to cry on, And ear to vent to, and someone who is just a great friend and great listener. I heart her!

Who I am proud of= My little sister Madison. She is very young and a new mother. Not only does she have a new born baby but she has a new born baby with downsyndrom. She had matuared so much and has delevoped a perfect example for motherly instinct. She has a tough road ahead of her but she is so strong, and has so much love for her son she can and will make it threw anything.

Who I miss more then anyone in the world= Alex Winder. I hope he is safe.

Who I wish I could find= My Prince Charming

Who I can't wait to see again= One of m best friends Brendon- he is currently serving a mission in Philly.

Who I wish I had their courage= Kacee's Muhelstien. She took a turn down a really hard road and has turned her life around and it has made her who she is and she is a beautiful, strong, and a person who has seen the ugly side of life and is now living in the beautiful part of it. I wish I had half the courage she has.

Who I owe a lot of thanks too= My parents. I am so glad they raised me the way they did, not to be judgmental, to have an opinion, to be who I want to be, and to have love, faith and gratitude. I truly believe that I have the best parents in the world.

Who is always there for me= Meagen. She has always been there for me wether its for advice with boys, friends, work whatever. She is always there for me to take care of me when I am sick, to watch movies with when I am lonely and is always there for me as not only my sister but my best friend.

Who's relationship I wish I had= Clayton and Paul. They are so in love and I am so happy for them and I hope one day I am as happy with someone as they are with each other.

Who's faith I wish I had= Lynette Doxey. Aka my second mom. She has so much faith in everything in her life. Church, Family, herself, everything. I think that faith is a hard thing to have in somethings in life and I wish I had the faith that she has.

Whos writting ability I had= Jessica Deal's. Read her blog. You'll see what I mean.

Who my hero is= Doctor James Woodmansee. He has been my doctor my entire life, has saved my life on numerous occasions, has helped me when no other doctor would, and has taken the time help me with illness, personal, and just about everything else you could think of. This man is going straight to heaven and I really don't know what I would do without him. Everyone has a hero and he is mine.

Who I wish I could have back= The person I was 9 years ago. I was healthy, and had friends, and talent, and hope that my life would turn out great and... much differently then it has.

Who I wish I could meet= Marilyn Monroe. Gorgeous. I love Marilyn Monroe

Who I wish I could have= The perfect guy

Who I wish I looked like= Eva Longoria... I mean come on!

Who I wish I never would have let my friendship end with= Samantha Miller

Who I think is the most gorgeous man in the world= Wentworth Miller

Who is the newest love of my life= My nephew Kelvin

Amber Alert

AMBER ALERT

I am sending out an Amber Alert for the readers of my Blog. I am pretty sure that they only people that read my blog are my sisters. I know I was MIA in the blog world for a while but I'm back and trying really hard to blog much more often. So blog stalkers, friends, random readers everyone where are you =( No one ever leaves me comments or anything. Yes all of my readers have dissapeared. So here is my Amber Alert for my readers and stalkers.

Please come back to me, I know that you are out there somewhere! I feel like I get so close when you stop by my blog but I know your not staying for long. Where ever you are I wish you could come and comment on my posts. Just so I know that you are out there and ok. Please..... come back to me.

Are you out there?

I think that every Adult Female has the memory of when they were younger whether it was in church, school, with friends, in your diary/journal whatever of writting the qualities that you want in your husband.

Even though I think that every girl could write one of these lists every single year and it would be different every single time. I think about when I was engaged 2 years ago and what I thought I wanted them and what I want now are completely different.

I had someone tell me a few months ago that if I sit down and write a list of what I want in my husband I will find him. So... come out come out where ever the hell you are!!!

Number 1. He MUST make me laugh. Any boy that can make me laugh wins a special place in my heart.

Number 2. He must have goals and dreams that he works hard to accomplish.

Number 3. He must be a family man. And that includes loving my family as much as I do not just his own.

Number 4. He must have hobbies that are not sitting around all day watching tv shows like south park.

Numer 5. He must understand that I am not healthy.

Number 6. He must still love me when I turn into the " Leave me the hell alone I don't feel good" Holli.

Number 7. He must take care of me and want to take care of me.

Number 8. He must have a good work ethic and does not give up on things when the going gets rough.

Number 9. He must dress nice ... that includes never... I repeat NEVER wearing cut off shirts.

Number 10. He must send me flowers. I love getting flowers it is the greatest thing to cheer me up with.

Number 11. He must understand that I want childeren but do not ever want to birth children.

Number 12. I want him to want children.

Number 13. He must take good care of himself... someone has to be the healthy one in this relationship and its obviously not going to be me!

Number 14. He must want to watch chick flicks and shows like Greys Anatomy with me.

Number 15. He must understand baseball... It is a huge turn off when I have to explain the game to a boy. I mean come on! That shoulld be in the being a boy handbook

Number 16. He must wear calogne... perferably Aquadigio. Yummy

Number 17. I want him to be able to qoute movie lines with me, like I can with my sisters.

Number 18. I want him to have best friends.

Number 19. I want him to send me text messages every morning becuase there is nothing better then waking up to a sweet text message in the morning from the one you love.

Number 20. He must know that even if we have all the money in the world I still want to work.

Number 21. I want him to suprise me.

Number 22. I want someone that no matter how mad we are at eachother I still love him enough to stand to be around him... ( believe it or not... that was not the case when I was engaged.)

Number 23. I want him to be able to admit when he is the bad guy.

Number 24. I want him to kiss me in the rain.

Number 25. I want him to cuddle me when I am cold and hold me when I am sick.

Number 26. I want him to never keep secrets to himself.

Number 27. I want him to tell me he loves me every day

Number 28. I want to be able to goof off and have fun with him but I also want to be able to have a serious conversation with him.

Number 29. He must have a personality... some guys just... don't.

Number 30. I want him to treat people with respect.

Number 31. I want him to be a gentlemen. Open doors blah blah blah but only open the door for me when I am getting in the car not when I am getting out... Thats just akward.

Number 32. I want him to have faith in things and faith in people.

Number 33. I use to think that I would only have a temple marriage and if its with the right guy that would be awesome. But if the right guy is not active in the church or even a memeber..I am now ok with that

Number 34. I want to be in love with eachother so much that none of that other stuff matters.

Broken Record

I feel like my life is a broken record. This month is the 6 year anniversary of me working at the hotel. SIX YEARS.. Thats a long time. And looking back at when I first started and where I am today.. not much has changed. I started working there as a breakfast girl only working Saturdays because I was only 16 years old. I did that for about 3 years until I got a new boss who was impossible to respect because she did nothing worth respecting and I just could not work for her. Luckily the Front Desk needed help.

I feel like I am great a the front desk. I am proud of how well I know the system, the guests, everything. I think I feel that way because I was never actually trained on the desk. I would come in on my own time and do the computer training just so that I could learn it and then one day they just called and said "Hey can you come in we are busy?" I never got the proper training. I love the fact that I can answer the phone and answer any question that I may be asked. I feel very confident at what I do and that is very important. However, even though I think that I do a great job at the hotel I feel very unappreciated and that is a really big blow to your moral. I know that 99 percent of the reason I have not ever left the hotel is because I do not like change. I do not like not knowing what I am doing. I hate the stress and anxiety of job interviews and when you get a new job its learning something completely new and you know your going to screw up and those problems fall on others because you don't know what you are doing. I know this because I am the one who trains people at the hotel. Its frustrating to say the least.

I feel depressed about having worked at the hotel for 6 years. I have seen a lot of managers come and go, a lot of employees come and go and I don't know how to explain the way it makes me feel when I hear that people are leaving because they got better job offers, more money, a place with less drama, whatever the reason is... they left... they moved on. I have not moved on in 6 YEARS!!!

Around this time last month I was given a promotion, I became the Front Desk Supervisor. I was so happy and excited and proud of myself for it. Now, I think that it means absolutely nothing. All it means is that I am doing the work that someone does not want to do themselves. I have no authority I get treated just the same as any other employee ( Not that I am looking for praise or anything like that at all ) Its just very discouraging to be given a promotion you feel like you worked so hard for and you deserved but it really means nothing. All it means is that I get paid .25 cents more an hour to do the work I was already doing. I have been there for so long and I know that I will never go anywhere furter then where I am now. I have nothing to show for the time and hard work that I have put in. And im my opinion I am a very hard worker and a valuable employee, and after being there so long you would think your employer would realize that too.... No such luck there.

I know this sounds ridiculous but every time I go somewhere I have the biggest fear that I am going to run into someone from high school or where ever and they are going to tell me all about their husband or boyfriend and great job or whatever and I have nothing to tell them but " Oh yah I still work at the same place I worked out when I was a Junior in High School..." Everything is the same. It has become so routine that some days I dont even know what day it is because every day is the same.

. Get up at 5:10am
. Be to work at 7am
. While at work do the exact same "check list" that I do every single day.
. Get off work at 3
. Get home, change into pajamas becuase why change into anything else I don't ever go anywhere.
. Walk the dog
. Do whatever until 8:30 ... Watch tv, clean my room, watch a movie, play with the dog whatever.
.At 8:30 go to bed... Yes thats right EIGHT THIRTY!

All I do is work. I have friends who are great and mean so much to me but I never ever see them. So I have no friends that I can go hang out with I have no boyfriend to be with and to spend time with I don't even have a dog that I could pretend is human to talk to.

I am so sick of my life being routine. Nothing ever happends, and when something happeneds its never anything good. Its just one shit storm after another. I am so sick of going into the same job and doing the EXACT same thing everything day. Going home after work and doing the exact same thing. My life feels like a broken record.

I have been thinking about a few things that have happened over this past year, some have been good and some have been bad. But I think about the things that were good and that made me so happy I just wish I that that happiness would stay.

. Finally ended things with Jesse. ( That was a heartbreaking terrible experience but something that needed to end and now I can't thank God enough that it did.)
.Started seeing Alex ( Good thing)
.Said goodbye to Alex ( bad thing.. I swear I always have to stay goodbye to the people that I love)
. Got a promotion ( No change there... )
. Went into Renal Failure ( Does that sound like fun?!)
. Became an aunt ( Awesome!! What a cool experience I just wish I could see my nephew more often.)
. Went on a road trip to St. George with Meagen ( Awesome trip! It was so nice to get away. It was right around the time that I had started to feel a little bit better and I just really needed some sister time and it was awesome! We never left the hotel but it was great!)
. Had surgery and afterwards littleraly thought that I was going to die I was so so sick.
. Moved out of my parents house and moved in with Meagen ( So far so good!)

I feel unhappy. Depressed. Stressed and lonely. I just want something new in life. I need a new challenge that is not fighting with my insurance compny to get a life altering surgery approved. I just feel so pathetic having worked at the same place for 6 years and only making 9 dollars an hour. I need something new but I feel like I am tied down here becuase not only do I need to keep my insurance but becuase I hate change. I need a change so bad in life but I am to scared to go find it. And maybe its not a new job that I need. Maybe if I was happier outside of the hotel then I would be happier at work. I feel like nothing that is going on in my life is a good thing. I am frustrated with work. I am frustrated with my health. I just want to feel better already. I am running out of patience. Maybe I need friends, a boyfriend, a dog, something I just really need something but I don't know what nor do I know how to find it.

Someone please help me find what I am looking for. . .

Pros and Cons

While living away from home I have discovered that there is good things and bad things about it. I really like living with Meagen and Tonka Monster. I have so much fun and its really nice to have the feeling of independance... Even though I totally still depend on my parents for everything.. Seriously. I think I always will I am going to be married with kids and every time I throw up I am going to call my mom " Mom! I'm sick! Please come over and take care of me!"  And then I'll tell my husband to get the hell away from me and don't touch me! I've done it to nurses I'll do it to my husband. Seriously.

Anyway there is alot of good things that I have experienced while living away from home with Meagen. But there is also alot of Cons... Here is my list of the good the bad and the ugly. Actually I don't have any ugly. Why did I type that? Weird.

The Good:

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  I am just 10 feet away from a Coke machine. Yes its a COKE machine. They must have installed for me. Oh how I love the Coca Cola.
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
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  My DvD collection has grown by 500 DvD's... Meagen has alot of movies to choose from.
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
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  My wardrobe has doubled.... I steal Meagens clothes.. ( I mean... what? Shes probably going to kick me out now. crap.)
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
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  Sometimes Meagen takes me out to dinner. Thats nice.
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
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  If I want to leave in the middle of the night to do whatever I can without being afraid of Marley barking and waking everyone in the house up.
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
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  Tonka sleeps with me and warms up my bed for me. Cute little guy
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
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  I am just right over the overpass to go to work. I can now leave at 6:55am and be there before 7:00am... That give me 10 more minutes to sleep in! That is an amazing 10 minutes.
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
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  There is a full gym just right down the stairs. Not that I use it but its nice to know that its there
  
  
  
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  In the summer there is a pool and a hot tub... thats nice.
  
  
  
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  I live with my best friend! Its awesome!! I heart her!
  
  
  

THE BAD:

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  I never have anything to eat. Ever. Having to buy your own groceries. Ridiculous!
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
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  The lent catcher thing or whatever in the dryer in the apartment is this huge hole in dryer..... it steals my socks! I'm missing a sock. Oh wait no im not its in the BLACK HOLE IN THE DRYER.
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
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  I am not in a covered parking area which means that every morning my car has frost and ice on it. I am really not looking forward to the Winter.
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
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   I can't leave anything on the floor or anywhere that Tonka can get to it. He eats everything. Including my medicine! Freaking dog is a pill popper!
  
  
  

  
  

  
  
  
  
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  I have to feed my self every night. Uhm hello do I know how to cook. Uh no not even a little bit.
  
  
  
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  Meagen actually makes me pay rent. Like .. with money. Actual money. My rent is no longer a 12 pack of coke every month like at home.
  
  
  
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  The internet kind of sucks at the apartment
  
  
  
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  I have to listen every single day to the emo freaks who live below us to their depression sessions. They love to " jam" out on their guitars and now we have been lucky enough to have them add the piano. Guys. You have terrible voices. Your hooka bong smells like ass, and if our dog eats one more of your damn ciggeret butts I'm going to start picknig them up and leaving them right outside your door. PLEASE STOP SINGING AND PLAYING THE GUITAR. No your not even playing your just slamming your hands down on the cords while screaming at the top of your lugs the same song over and over and over. Maybe you wouldnt seem so depressed if you learned a new song!!!!!!
  
  
  
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  Seriously the people below us our terrible
  
  
  
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  I no longer live down the street from Target. I love down the street from Wal Mart. I loath the Wal Mart.
  

  
  
  
  
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  I miss my parents =( And Marley... Sort of.
  
  
  

I heart my bed

Dont worry Im not in a bitchy I need to vent mood today. =)

So I moved out from my parents home and moved in with my sister, and I had been living there for about a month before I officially moved in. The baseball players moved into my parents home in... What were their names.. Hm. I don't even know. Showed you how much I cared this Summer =)

What was I talking about?

Oh ya. My room.

I heart my room.

I have not slept in my own bed since like March... First I was in the hospital for a few weeks and then when I got to go home I was upstairs in the spare bedroom to be closer to my parents. Then when I started feeling better the baseball boys moved in to my room. Then I started sleeping over at meagens.... and then just became a permanent house guest there =) So Last night was the first night I got to sleep in my own bed! Yay!!! I really love my room at the apartment. Its not quit finished I have all my pictures to hang up but other then that its finished. My dad helped me move my mattresses over last night I have just been sleeping on the floor with my memory foam. He set my bed all up and it was so nice to sleep in my own bed. Awww! I love.

Also

Yesterday my neighbor slash second mom took my car in to get the tire changed becuase it has a nail in it... Boo.. But when I went to my house to pick it up she had cleaned the inside and out ( Which I have needed to do since the baseball players left becuase they left it so dirty... such trouble those boys) she had put a full tank of gas in it and a huge thing of food and halloween treats!! How sweet is she!!?? I love her! What a blessing!!!

Depressed Much?

I have been feeling very depressed lately. I am writting in red. Red is an angry color. Im angry!

Perhaps becuase I have not taken my anti depressant for like 3 weeks. Hm. I should get on that.

If you don't want to hear me bitch about things then you probably don't want to read this post.

First of all, I am so sick of being fat and not having any control over it. I am not trying to be one of those girls who says that so they can get replys that say " Oh your not fat"..Please don't do that to me. Becuase I am fat. I am so sick of people mistaking me for being pregnant. I went to have the dressings on my picc line changed last week and the nurse said " So do you have this in becuase of complications with your pregnancy?"... It is really depressing going from a size 0 to a size 9 and it being completely out of your control... The huge sweatshirts and pants that use to drown me are now the only thing I can get into and even those do not fit me becuase they are to small. Its really depressing and is really hard on your self esteem looking into the mirror and hating your hair becuase its not colored but you don' thave the money to have it done. Or your skin is white and pasty becuase your sick. Its really really depressing and frustrating.

Reason number two. I am really sick of people thinking that becuase I am not in school just working full time is a bad thing. I just had a guest check into the hotel and she asked " So are you in school?" ... No... " Oh, well then your already done?" No... Im not in school " Oh... well when are you planning on going?" So what becuase I'm not in school everything else that I am doing in life is just worthless? That really bugs. Which brings me to my next subject. I am really sick of people complaining about how they are in school and its so stressfull and they have so much homework. Get over it. Be greatful you have the oppurtunity to further your education.

Reason number... I forget what number im on. Why does everything have to hit at once? Why does my family go threw so much and it all hits at once. Meagen loosing her job, everyone is sick.. EVERYONE.. Madi and Brady struggling in California, blah blah blah its so frustrating! I know that everyone has their problems but I swear it is just one shit storm after another in my family... .we can never catch a freaking break.

Why is this "trial" with my crappy health never ending? MINE IS NEVER ENDING. Why do I have to be a 22 year old that has to use a freaking cathadar do take a freaking pee! And what I have to worry about everyday is who is going to pump the medicine in my picc line that goes straight to my heart. Ya thats not terrifying at all. Or every monday I have to go to the hospital to have the dressings changed on it. And what if I go back into renal failure again becuase I my surgery is not ever going to be approved. If it is not one thing it is another. I HATE being a 22 year old that has been on narcotics since I was 15 years old just so that I can function day to day. I HATE it.

I am lonely. I have friends but I never see them. I  have no boyfriend. Which sucks. I am so not one of those girls that always has to have a boyfriend but I am lonely. Come on!


I think that I am done bitching for now. But becuase I just made everyone listen to me vent about being depressed I have some good news to share

Im going to have surgery soon!!!!

Well hopefully.

I went to see the surgeon on Friday, and he just looked at me and said you deffinitly need to have this surgery and I will do whatever it takes to get it done. So today I just have to send him in my journal that I did when I had the test unit in and he will add it to my chart and make his notes and send it into my insurance to get it approved. Yay! So Cross your fingers that it will be approved by this week.... This makes me so happy I am crying!! When I got home from the doctor I went into my room and just started crying and I was kind of in shock of thinking that this could all be over with in a few weeks! I could have my normal stomach again I can pee again I don't have to worry every single morning if I am going to be able to feel my legs. My stomach is so huge that it is pinching nerves that go to my legs just like pregnant women get. I don't have to worry every single day that if I'm feeling worse then yesterday am I going back into renal failure? When I am hungry I don't have to think " Hmm what is going to be the easiest to throw up?" Becuase I can't keep anything down. I am so excited that this may all be over with soon!!! Yay!!!!

I hope people do not read this and think that I am not greatful for the good things that I have in my life. I am so greatful for my family. I love them so much. I miss Madi and Brady and Kelvin so much I wish that they lived closer so that we could spend more time with them. I am so greatful for my parents who take such good care of me when I am sick. My mom who is never not by my side whenever I am in the hospital, or having a procedure done, or am to sick to drive myself to the doctor she is always there no matter what. My dad who is always taking good care of me when I am at home sick. A few weeks ago he had to give me shots every 4 hours and when I would cry because they hurt so bad he would stay with me and make sure I was okay. I am so greatful for the oppurtunity to be able to move in with my meagen my best friend! I have had so much fun living with her and she is so great. She knows that I can't help out much with rent but she lets me live there anyway. Hehe... I love her so much she has been taking such good care of me while I have been sick too. I love my family so much and I have the greatest second family too! My neighbors the Doxeys.... They are so amazing! They take such good care of me. Whenever someone in my family is not able to sit with me when I am sick or in the hospital they are always there to make sure I am not alone, and to give me blessings, and movies to watch, and love and prayers. They are so amazing a few months ago they gave me a car that they were not in need of anymore and it has been such a great blessing. I was never going to be able to afford a car on my own when my other one broke ( RIP Green car) They have been great they come and check the oils and fluids in it and this weekend I ended up getting a nail in one of my tires and they just took my car over to get the tire repaired for me. They are so amazing I love them so so much! I know I bitch about work alot but I really am so greatful to have a job that is understanding and always works with me whenever I need time off. I am so greatful that they have always kept my job for me whenever I have been gone for months at a time. They really are so great and I love working here. I love it so much that this months is my 6 year here... I don't know if I should be proud of that or depressed. Hm. I am really greatful for all of my friends who have spread the word around about my hopeforholli.blogspot.com site. And for Mckenna for taking the time to make it and get the word out that is so awesome and I have never had anyone do anything like that for me. I feel so loved. Thank you!

I know that this is more of a personal journal for me to vent and get my feelings out I didnt mean to offend anyone or sound un greatful. I'm sorry for the bitch session. I should be done.. for a few days atleast  =)