My Wednesdays

4:20 am First Alarm Goes Off - Wake up Take 1 Methadone so that when its time for me to get out of bed I can function.

5:10-am Alarm Goes off  ... I snooze for 10 More Minutes

5:30- Snooze Again

( A normal healthy person usually has to plan for atleast 5 minutes to get up and pee...But since I cant pee I get to enjoy that extra 5 minutes in bed!... Ahh the perks of Renal Failure.)

5:30am- 6:30am I get ready to go work. BOOO No one likes getting ready to have to go to work so I won't post a picture of that.

Drive to work....

7:00am My shift at work starts.

Some days are better then others at work. Most days I have to sit in a chair at the desk all day becuase I just can't be on my feet for 8 hours straight.. ( yeah the front desk doesnt get a lunch break or anything )  I am just greatful that my job works with me and understands my health issues and the days I can't come in they always understand. Its a huge blessing.

While I work I slap a smile on my face even though some days that is the last thing on earth I wane to but... it must be done... From 7am to 3pm I  take reservations, check people in and out, do my supervisor duties, take all phone calls, blah blah blah. I do the same thing litteraly every. single. day. It all just turns into a blur becuase when you have a job like mine... nothing changes, nothing exciting happends.

 One thing I have learned to do at the hotel is just to come in do your job and leave. Dont get cought up in the gossip and bull shit that every place of employment has. I always talk about the bad things about my job but there are things that I really love. I have met so many amazing people that have stays here and I still keep in touch with.  My friends Lyn and Niel from Australia are such sweet and amazing people! In fact Niel came over to my house for Sunday Dinner with my family last week. For my birthday a few years ago they gave me this amazing pink stone its so beautiful its now placed in a ring and I love it I wear it all the time! I wish I had a picture!

I wont go into all my favorite guests or the celebrities that I have met while working here but there are things about this job that I do like. I love meeting guests from all over the world and getting to know them. I love making guests feel like home while they are here.

At 3:00 pm I hurry home and get the hell out of my discusting uniform that I have to wear, change into something cute... the cute clothes that still fit anyway.. and  drive down to Utah Valley Regional Medical Center

Every Wednesday I go to the hospital to IV Therapy and have my picc line dressing changed.

 I wish I had pictures of all the nurses there! They are all so sweet and treat me so good! And they make my picc line dressings all pretty and clean! And if you had a picc line in your arm for 7 months now, you will agree with me that there is nothing more annoying then having dirty bandages that is covering the picc line. 

See how pretty and clean? See how my skin is blistering from having all of that on my arm for going on 8 months now.

After the hospital I head home.. and as pathetic as it is when I get home I get into bed and cuddle with Tonka. He is always waiting for me when I get home!

Usually when people get home from work and everything they come home and eat dinner. But Meagen and I don't believe in going food shopping so we never have food to make for dinner. . .

Its still a mystery to me how we never have any food to eat in our apartment but I am still a freaking chubkins.

Once I am in bed for the night I usually watch a TV series on DVD.. Right now I am watching 24

For the longest time I refused to watch this show becuase I thought it was so stupid for people to believe that an entire Season of this show and everything that happends all happends in one day.. Uh.. Yeah I don't think so.

But then I really needed something new to watch so I gave in and started it... Its really good I like it. Well... I really liked the first season and I am now in the 2nd season.. I am kind of bored with it but Meagen says that the 3rd season is Uh Mazing so I gotta keep watching!... And Jack Bauer... What a hot piece of Eye Candy. I mean Seriously! And he can like... Shoot people. Thats Hot.

By the end of my day I am so tired and just beat that I usually am asleep by like 9pm... ( I know pathetic right?) But I can't help it.

And my day ends by 9:00pm and I am sound asleep and once I am asleep there is no waking me. Just ask Meagen.

Time for Lights Out!

A Wednesday in the life of Holli

Whats a day in your life like?

Starting today

“Life can either be accepted or changed. If it is not accepted, it must be changed. If it cannot be changed, then it must be accepted.”

 

Starting today...

Starting today I will no longer worry.

Starting today I will no longer cry.

Starting today I will no longer wonder if you are thinking about me.

Starting today I will accept the fact that I am sick, and as much as I wish there was end to all of this.. theres not.

Starting today I will do the things that will help me feel better.

Starting today I will acept the fact that I have gained a lot of weight, and I am fat. And as upseting and embarassing as it is. It is what it is. I can not get rid of my pregnant looking belly until I have surgery.

Starting today I will start doing the things I can to lose the weight that is able to come off.

Starting today I will have a better attitude. At work, home, and just life in general.

Starting today I will no longer dwell on the problems at hand

Starting today I will pay the bills that I am able to pay instead of going to dinner or buying a new shirt.

Starting today I will laugh more and smile more.

 Starting today I will no longer be sad that I only have a few friends left in my life, and I will cherish the ones that I have and try and be a better one to them.

Starting today I will no longer let my OCD get the best of me.

Starting today I will no longer get into bed when I get home from work. I will walk to the dog, knit, and maybe even do laundry. I will do whatever that keeps me up and going.

Starting today I will try and find myself and figure out who I am.

Starting today I will figure out who and what I believe in that makes me happy and gives me faith. And not just beileve in the religion that I was raised to do and will not let anyone make me feel like a bad person becuase its not what they think is right.

Starting today I will tell everyone that I love that I love them and that they mean the world to me.

Starting today I will start believing again.

Starting today I will not depend on other so much.

Staring today I will be positive instead of negative.

Starting today I will let people in.

Starting today I will be a better blogger. I know I don't have many readers but its a great release for me.

Starting today I will try my hardest not to say the word hate.

Starting today I will try to be a better person.

Starting today I will not overreact or jump to conclusions.

Starting today I will try and find and learn a new hobby.

Starting today I will try and understand why bad things happen to good people.

Starting today I will learn that some things are the way they are for a reason.

Starting today I will take better care of myself.

Starting today I will do things that make me happy and not just do things to make others happy.

Today I will learn that even though I am not where I would like to be in life but I will accept the fact that I am where I am and I have to make the best of it.

Starting today I will no longer be upset that I have to take extremely strong pain pills in order to function every day. I will just be greatful for modern medicine and that I am able to have something that can offer my comfort and less pain.

Today is the day that I decide I love Dennis Leary.

Today is the day I realize how great my country is. And that I am so blessed and so unbelievably honored to know 2 great and amazing people who are fighting for my freedom right now.

Starting today I am getting off of my Salt and Vinegar chips and Sprite diet.

Today is the day that I let my bitterness for the trainweck that was my engagment go. And let him know... That I deserve so much better then you.

Starting today I will learn that some things just cant be fixed.

Today I will learn that even if I never find anyone that I love and who loves me. My family will always love me and be there for me.  I will never be alone.

Starting today I will say my prayers to whoever I believe is my God.

Starting today I will count my blessings.

Starting today I will not be ashamed to tell you that I know every word to every Missy Eliot song thats out there.

Starting today I will learn to love myself even when I hate myself. I will love myself even though I have gained 60 pounds in the past 4 months and I feel and look discusting I will love myself.

Starting today I will try and find what makes me unique from others.

Today is the day that I stop procastinating.


Starting today I will do whats best for me.

Starting today I will try so hard not to fall apart.

Starting today I will live, love, and laugh. I will dance like no ones watching and I will love me for me and hopefully one day find someone who loves me for me. 

Starting today I will set goals and try my hardest to accomplish them.

Starting today I will not be so un happy with my job. I know that I always have the choice to leave but I don't...  I have a fear of change, of not knowing what I am doing... I made the decision to stay here so I am going to make the best of it.

**"The key to change... is to let go of fear.”**

Starting today I will no longer say no. I will not longer say no when I get invited to things. I need to get out.

Starting today I will start answering my phone to those numbers that I avoid becuase I don't have money to pay them. Atleast if I answer and tell them I have zero money I will feel like I am atleast trying to be responsible.

Starting today I will learn that only kidness matters in the end.

Knees, needles, and fluid Oh My!

About 9 years ago when I was on a crusie with my family I hurt my left knee. I have no idea what I did to it nothing it just started hurting really bad and each day it got bigger and bigger. While driving home from California I had to sit in the middle seat so that I could keep my leg straight becuase it was to big to even bend it. When we got home I went to see an ortho doctor and did some X rays and an MRI and he said that I had torn my miniscus. It wasnt bad enough that I needed surgery or anything just was on crutches for a few weeks and did some Physical Therapy and that was it. Still to this day I have absolutely no idea what I did to it.

It never really bothered me until about 3 months ago it swelled up for like 3 days and I couldnt walk on it but after I iced and elevated it it was fine and I didn't really worry about it. But then it happened again like 2 weeks ago but the swelling was 10 times worse and it hurt soooo bad! I thought that if I just did the same thing, ice, elevate blah, blah, blah it would go away. But when it continued to get bigger and bigger I finally decided it was time to go to the insta care.

The doctor took one look at it and said " You need to be seen by an ortho doctor asap!... He drained all the fluid out of it and after the fluid was out I tried to walk on it and every time I put pressure on it it now POPS.. pop pop pop POP!

It hurts really bad and quit frankly I am getting sick of my leg not looking like it has no knee at all its so swollen. My leg is just thigh and calf. I  have a Thalf. Ha.

Anyway, so the insta care doctor said that there is a very good possiblity that I may be having surgery on my knee to get a scope of it and see whats going on and to clean it up. Clean the minisucs and the cartlidge thats floating around in there. If I have this surgery this will be my 32nd surgery in 7 years. Lets see how fast my insurance will deny this surgery too. My appoitment is on Tuesday..  Yeah I'm really looking forward to this.

Plain Jane

Lately I have been feeling really Plain Jane. I know this sounds so dumb but I have been reading and stalking alot of girls blogs and it seems like everyone has a talent. Everyone has something that makes them unique. I feel so plain Jane. There is a lot of girls out there that can cook, or sew, or write, or , dance whatever and I pretty much have none of that.

I would like to think that one day when I get married I am going to be a good wife, and maybe someday mom and when I think about things that make someone a good wife and mother is someone who can cook for their husband. Someone who has a talent and can maybe teach their kids one day how to do.

I just wish I had a " thing."  When I was in Junior High and High School I was a dancer and pretty good one if I do say so myself, but I no longer have that. And as much as I wish I could have that again I can't. When I graduated from 9th grade I was voted most likely to become a superstar. If Class of 2005 could only see me now.

I know that I could go out and find something to be my "thing" or hobby but I just don't know what it would be. It just seems like everyone has something that just makes them stand out and I am just plain Jane. Lots of blonde hair blue eyed girl has a job. Has uh.. oh wait yeah thats about all I got.  I wish I had the money to go out and try new things and find something that I like and am able to do and that would make me feel different. I know that sounds really weird " make me different " but  I just need something...

Will Work For Food

Actually.... will do ANYTHING for food....

Will someone please put together a canned food drive for Meagen and I? We are so hungry.

So hungry.

No food.

No Moneys to buy food...

Did I mention that we are hungry?

Its really sad that there is more of my medicine for my PICC line then there is food...

DO YOU SEE THIS!? THERE IS NO FOOD!!

I am so weak I can barley type this post...I am withering away to nothing from having no food.

(Ha! I wish that was true....)

Lets just take a look again at this fridge...

So hungry.....

The things I have never done

I have never...

 *Hiked to the "Y"

*Been skiing ( I have been snowboarding which I loved though)

*Been paint balling

*Held or shot a gun

*Kept a New Years resolution

*I have never been pregnant ( although I look like I am now)

*I have never gotten a ticket

*I have never been able to play an instrument

*Been scuba diving

*Seen the movie Wizard of Oz

*Cooked a meal for others

*Learned to whistle

*Owned a gym pass

*Kareoked

*Hiked Timp

*Cheated on someone

*Had a house key

*Had a pedicure

*Karaoked

*Learned to water ski

*Been to a rodeo

*Slowed danced with someone that I love

*Traveled to another continet

*Attended a professional sporting event

*Attended an opera

*Parasailed

*Owned a pet that was just mine

*Swan with dolphins

*Ridden a horse 

**These things I've never done**

Welcome 2010

Hello Friends.

I hope everyone had a good Holiday Season and is having a great New Year so far!

My Christmas was really good. It was really different but I had alot of fun. It was so much less stressful then years past and that was great! My parents suprised Meagen and I with a beautiful Christmas Eve dinner set up at the hotel and we ate, played games, watched movies, ( Well they ate, played games, and watched movies... I slept.... alot) It was so much fun and it was so weird actually sleeping on Christmas eve! Christmas morning my mom and I both worked and when we got off we went back to our room and played some more games and watched a movie then went home for the night. We skipping doing presents this year ( which is why it was less stressfull , not having to worry about money and blah blah blah) But Meagen suprised us with the most rotten ass ugly slippers for every to wear ( Which i LOVE them) And my parents got meagen and I some presents. We each got a blue tooth for our phones, some pajamas pants that are susper cute and Wii fit!!!  ( It was their way of telling me that I am now a beefkins and need to do something about it) hehe. Just kidding. Christmas was great I wish Madi and Brady were able to spend it with us but they had a great first Christmas together with their little family. I love my family so much I loved spending Christmas with them!

New Years was not so great for me. Once again we spent the night at the hotel to spend the night and play games. When I got off work I went home to shower and I was just going to meet everyone there. I was carrying alot of stuff with me and as I was walking out to my car I slipped on a huge ice patch and fell... smacked my head on the cement. Smacked my ribs on the cement and everything I was carrying just fell on top of me. I didn't want to go to to the hospital so I had a terrible headache and started throwing up but I didn't want to go to the hospital so I just waited 2 days to see if it would go away. The next day I started to develope a bruise on my ribs and this weird knot on them. So I went to the Emergency room just to make sure everything was okay with me. They did a cat scan on my head and I just have a cuncusion. They took X rays of my ribs and they were not cracked but I tore the cartlidge on them. With all the kidney problems I am having they checked to make sure I didn't bruse them or anything but they were okay which is good I guess. So they drugged me up  gave me some fluids for dehydration from throwing up so much smacked a brace on me and off I went to start the new year! I didn't start the year off so great. I still have a terrible headache and bruises ... Jeeze. I need to be put in a bubble.

I havent really set any New Years resolutions. I hate those. I don't think someone should need a new year to change something that they want to change or do something that they want to do. I want to try and be a happier person this year. I am not happy, and I know alot of it has to do with me being sick all the freaking time but I can't control that. I just want to be happier. Have fun. Be a better person, but I don't really have any goals for the year. Just be happier.

\

I thought about the Scene in Sex and the City where Charolette yells out " I am going to get married this year!!!!) .. but then I thought... I don't want to get married this year I just want to find my prince this year.. and then maybe next year get married.. Hehe

.. maybe my resolution should be to blog more. I am a terrible blogger but I don't think anyone reads my blog anymore so thats okay. .. Hi mom! Hi Meg!