Monday, November 25, 2013

Love to Hate, Hate to Love

Lately something has been bothering me. I don't know what it is. I can't describe the feeling. I just feel off. Like maybe I have forgotten something important, or I am worried about something or maybe its just the stress and anxiety of the Holidays being here... Whatever it is it is really bothering me. I thought maybe I could write some stuff down and it might help me feel better. If not it will at least have killed some time until I can go to bed.

Usually when I am in the dark place I know why. Something specific is going on that is bringing me down but I just can't think of anything. In fact lately I have been doing really well with life. I have been getting up and going to work (Which is no easy task for someone with Fibromyalgia) but I do it. I feel like no matter how shitty I may feel that day I work just as hard as the days that I don't feel so bad. Going to work makes me feel like a normal person. It gives me something to be proud of doing while living with the pain and sickness that I do every day. It makes me feel lucky that I am able to do it because a lot of fibro patients can't hold down a job. I am so proud of myself for being at the spa for almost a year now and I have only had to call in sick twice and both of those times I was in the hospital. That is HUGE. I really try to not be the sick person at work. I don't want it to show how hard it is for me to come to work everyday. I think I do a fairly good job of hiding how badly I feel sometimes but other times I just can't. But no matter what I feel really proud that I am able to work. Each day that I am able to come in is a win for me. I won that day.

Also after living in California for a few years now I have finally made some really amazing friends. And that alone has been such a blessing for me. I would say in the last 10 years I have lost a lot of people in my life but I've been okay with that because the people who are really important to me and the ones who are true friends are still in my life and for that I am thankful. I would rather have 1 really good amazing friend then a lot of fairweathered friends. And the friends that I have made here are true friends. Ones that I know I could go to ( and have gone to already ) and ask them for anything and they would do it. They are truly amazing people. I am so happy that I have finally made a social life here in California. And I feel really lucky that I have them in my life now. I don't think they know how much they have improved my life for the better and how much I love them. And all of you know who you are!

As far as my health goes the update will always be that every single day is a battle for me. Every. Single. Day. Physically and mentally. Every morning is a struggle to get out of bed. Having a job is so important to me because it keeps me going. It gives me a reason to get up and fight threw the pain and try to ignore it the best that I can. And some days I can do that and I can go to bed at night and think " wow.. I made it another day. I did not let my bad heath win today. I won." And other days I can try to find a single ounce of energy just to get up and make my bed and I can't. Those are the days that not only does fibro win but depression wins as well. Those are the days that I feel so worthless that I am just a waste of a body. Days that I lose every battle that I fight every day are just debilitating. Days that I have to cancel plans with someone because I can't get out of bed. Days that I can't walk or play with my dog because I don't want him jumping on me because it hurts when all he wants is to play. Ever since I got sick I have always said the thing I hate most is having to depend on medication.. having to wake up and the first thing I do is have to take a pill because without I may not make it threw the day. And when I go to bed at night I have to take a pill because without it I won't sleep. The past year I have tried a lot to make that change. I stopped going to the fibro clinic and I stopped doing the diet and that eats at me every single day. I stopped going because they wanted to start addressing some of the issues that are affecting me mentally and I am just not ready to do that. But I live with the disappointment that I have in myself for not sticking to the diet that really did help me. Not going in every week to be seen by the doctor and continue the treatments he was doing. But on the other hand I am so proud of myself because I have cut back on so much of the medication that I was taking and that was the main goal. But every day that I have to take those pills just feels like a reminder that I am just not strong enough to get off of everything that everyone wishes I could do. Its a physical battle and an emotional battle. But lately I have been really proud of how much I have been able to cut back on so much medicine and get a handle on that.

Some days I can look in the mirror and still be able to tell myself " I know I am over weight, I know I don't look like I use to. But I still feel pretty." Other days I can't find one thing about myself that I could say I like. And then that internal battle of hating to love myself but loving to hate it starts. I know there is so much of my life that I could change and it could improve I just don't know why I don't do it. Its like I want myself to fail and be miserable. Like I said I don't know what it is that is making me feel so worried and anxious and off but I hope I figure it out soon. Thanks for reading my garbage. Ok bye.

5 comments:

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Unknown said...

Your blog is just fascinating, I have fibro and some other health issues. I completely understand the emotions that you have. I think its awesome that you work, I have struggled over the years with that. I forget others have this struggle and understand.

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Amanda Johnston said...

I love you! You are so strong!!

bensmom said...

I somehow stumbled across your blog--I was supposed to find it, I immediately began to read your post on Fibro, which I have as well, and I was hooked. You have an amazing way about you. You put words to how I live every day...I hope you are still out thee somewhere and resume this amazing blog! <3
seajaye