Santa?

Dear Santa,

I know I haven't been the greatest girl this year but if it's not to much trouble I would like to be placed on the "nice list". I have added a my Christmas wishlist in case you change your mind and decide to break into my house like the others and leave me gifts under our house plant. ( in case you get confused since we dont have a tree you can just pick any plant I'm not picky)

~ my court fines paid in full ( please include a reciept for my records Santa)
~someone to do my 14 days of work diversion. I dont think the deputies would mind I'm not that much help chopping up trees anyway. I'm not a trained lumberjack for hells sake.
~ a new laptop ... Mine has cancer or something and is no longer alive and kicking. It's more like dead and being used as a coaster.
~ all of meagens movies back that she has sold. I would ask for mine but hers were better and I just steal them. ( you cAn put me on the naughty list next year.)
~ a new doctor who has not forgotten about their oath he took. And for some certaint doctors to get a swift kick in the ass.
~ a great job for meAgen
~ free time for Madi
~ To have the ability to bark removed from tonka and marley
~ A life supply of sprite, cafe rio, and beef roman noodles.
~ A one way ticket to anywhere thAt is warm has a beach and alcohol and so far away that no one knows where I am.... And never to return again.

Merry ( Insert f word here ) Christmas.

Dear fellow utahns,

Please be more considerate and stop throwing shit outside your car windows while traveling.
Today I did my first day of the work diversion program and let me tell you not only am I basically paralized from hurting so badly after picking up trash for 8 hours straight but I also realized how discusting and rude people are. You would not believe the crap I picked up from I-15 today. I'm talking tupperware storage bins, knifes, phones, kids shitty diapers, take out boxes still filled with food, bags of vomit and that's just the beginning i can't even get into everything else. Now you can say I should t complain because I broke the law you do the crime you do the time blah blah blah that's not whY I'm complaining about but I just realized that people are so rude and inconsiterate to not only destroy and make your state and the earth ugly and discusting but just remember when you are about to throw your perfectly good shoes or blankets and pillows and gloves out your window why don't you stop and think about putting those somewhere else maybe to someone in need of those items instead of just on the side of the rode for someone to eventuLly clean up and just throw away. Never again inmmy life will I litter not even a gum wrApper and if I find out any of you have I will literally physically kick your ass! Okay:) great thanks I'm glad we have an understanding! Also again I'm not complaining because I have to do this but just let me point out that if you think that honking and screaming out your window when you see people in orange vests labeled Utah county Sheriff inmate work crew is funny it's not and to ne honest it makes you look more like an ass then any of us so just don't bother. ThAnks for letting me get this out there.

Happy holidays!

- Trash girl.

One day down and 14 to go.

Ps I wish I was allowed to bring my camera so I could take pictures of all this stuff I found today we probably collected over 45 HUGE bags of trash today if not more.

Apparently I have readers

I was thinking about deleting my blog for a few reasons, 1: becuase my laptop is broken and no longer works so its kind of hard to blog when you have nothing to use. 2: Because I didnt think I still had readers besides My mom and Meagen and frankly they can listen to me bitch ( Which is basically all I do on my blog) everyday. 3: Because I just have nothing positive in my life and well I dont want to blog about what is going on in my life because its all just shit.

But this last week I did have the first good thing that has happened to me in like a year. Ill give you hints.

NO MORE of the BIG BLUE SHOWER CONDOM

NO MORE saline flushes everyday ( Ok not like I really did it every day but if IV therapy asks I totally did)

And NO MORE wearing mesh sleeves over it 

NO MORE PICC LINE!!!

Thats right! I got my picc line removed! Finally after having it it for over a year and a half I finally decided I was DONE with it and I got it pulled out! I can wear short sleeves outside the house again! Im so excited its out!! I kind of had the feeling my doctor wanted me to leave it in but I am not really liking him lately so I thought it threw and decided that idea sucked and I said TAKE IT OUT!!!! So he did!! It feels sooooo weird! I have a little hole in my arm Im sure that mark will be there for ever and my skin is really dry and red becuase of being wrapped up like that for so long to have air on it and get it wet feels really strange! But I am very glad its out and Im done with it. Goal is to NEVER have that again! WHAOOOOO.

For those of you who know about my legal problems I am going threw I will give you an update on my sentencing. ( I know some people might think that it is weird and a litttle.....weird to let this information out to the whole world but I am pretty sure the readers I have left already know what happened and what  has been going on so whatever I just dont care anymore) Sentencing was about 2 weeks ago. It was by far the worst hearing I had been to. Very scary and very emotional. When I took the stand I had the oppurtunity to say to the judge my side and whatever else I wanted to say and then the prosacuter stood up and said if they had the option they would have just dismissed my case. Which was nice to hear but also frustrating because having heard that but knowing I still had to go threw this was just irritating. Anyway I was sentenced to 18 months court probation which is so amazing all that means is I have to let the court know if I move they always have to be able to find me at my current address. So no probation officer anything like that! So thats awesome. Also I have to pay a fine of about $1500 dollars which I have until July to pay off. And also I got sentenced to 15 days of the work diversion program. Which is basically just community service and this is the part I am dreading the most. Its all very hard manual labor and due to my health I just dont know how well I am going to be able to do it and they are very strict on their rules and no working hard enough and I have to pay 25 dollars a month to be in the program its just very stressfull and if I disobey any of their rules or basically do anything to piss them off I just go to jail. If I dont do any of those by the time I was given to finish everything I will serve a one year prison sentence. But dont worry I dont plan on not doing any of those. This whole situation has been so stressfull and it is just a huge blow to your self essteem and self respect and its just very hard. I am not trying to blame anyone else for my actions I am 100 percent responsible for what I did its just hard to think of everything that has happened and has effected my life negativly since being arrested. All becuase I had a slight mental breakdown. Oh yeah I am also required to keep going to therapy which I have been in for about 3 months now. On some levels it is helping I am learing to deal with my stress better and my current situation with my family and learning better coping mechanisms so ya know hopefully I wont do anything else stupid next time I have a breakdown. Which I am pretty much just planning on and have accepted the fact that it will probably happen again but I will handle my crisis mode better then I did 8 months ago.

I am still struggling every single day due to my health. Dealing with insomnia, horrible pain from the fibromyalgia that I have not had to deal with this badly for years, fighting doctors, no health insurance, and just having my life temporarily haulted due to it all. It is so frustrating I would give anything just to be able to have it at a level that I could go back to work and get some what of a life back and support myself and put this whole thing behind me but unfortuntly I just dont see a light at the end of  this tunnel and that is the hardest part. Its terrible and I am quickly getting worse and worse and I just dont know where to go from here, this cant be the rest of my life. It just cant. I cant handle it. UGH

My dad Meagen and I are not doing any Christmas this year we dont even have a christmas tree up or anything. This Holiday season has been extremely difficult and emotionally draining so far but its just something we are going to have to get use to and learn that this is how it will be from now on and theres nothing we can do about it. Not being together as a family this time of year is extremely difficult and sometime just sickning but it is what it is I guess. I hope everyone does have a great Christmas. Spend it with your family and friends and cherish it becuase you never know when things may change. Thank you to everyone who has supported me and cared for me the past 8 months or so I know I dont show it or say it enough but I am very greatfull and appreciate it all so thank you.

Anyway thats an update and thats all I got for now. Like I said I apparently still have some readers so I will try and do better at blogging but I will warn you now it will probably not be anything exciting funny or positive so if you want to stop reading I understand and dont blame you.

Peace!

Voices

What do all these guys have in common???

Casey Afleck

Erik Dane Aka McSteamy

Dean Winters Aka Johnny Gavin from Rescue me or Aka The Voice of Meyhem

Romany Malco Aka Conrad From Weeds

Boston Rob from Survivor... ( He has an accent..enough said.)

Jeffrey Dean Morgan Aka Denny from Greys Anatomy

Leo Dicaprio (Watch him in The Departed)

Aaron Paul Aka Jesse Pinkman from Breaking Bad

Wentworth Miller Aka Michael Scofield from Prison Break

Ryan Gosling

Shia Labeouf

Russle Crowe

Kenneth Johnson

Keifer Sutherland

Heath Ledger

Paul Walker

Paul Rudd

Seann William Scott AKA STIFFLER

 

 

Justin Chambers Aka Alex Karev from Greys Anatomy

THEY ALL HAVE THE HOTTEST VOICES EVER!!!

**Wildcard Selection**

                               Jim Parsons AKA Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory

                                                The Sorting Hat From Harry Potter

                                              Christoper Mintz-Plasse AKA McLovin'



( Hahaha Ok The Wildcard ones are just suppose to be funny but the ones before those....Hottest...voices....ever..!!)

um..yes your honor.....

I have a few questions

I do swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth but if you dont mind i would like to ask some questions:

Your honor if I could just take a teensey bit of your time to help me get my questions answered that would be fabooo!!!!

First of all

Are you sending me to prison?

I understand there is a difference between jail and prison. 

Which Prison will I be going to and where is it located?

Will I need my swim suit?

Or will I need some winter gloves with the fingers cut out so I can use my hands better...

(not for shanking I promise!)

Speaking of shanking...will I really need one? .. A Shank?.. If yes, is there a youtube video available to self teach me how to make one. . Maybe I should stop by barnes and noble and catch up on my shank making skills.

There is a few things I would like to bring with me should you decide your punishment for me be prison..

My pink pig. Its always with me when Im sick,  which I am. Will my doctor be able to come and visit me or will I be seeing a prison doc? 

And your jail hospital... do they have supplies to clean my picc line? I can do it myself, you just supply the supplies! 

I have been thinking about how to make my time go by faster and put it to good use while I am doing time in prisneyland.

Just a few ideas: How would you feel about BEDAZZLED hand cuffs? You know, make them sparkle!! 

no..? 

Okay


I could also Bedazzle the jumpsuits.. Have the words " NAUGHTY" on the butt of the jumpsuits eh eh?

How about classes for kniffty knitters? We will need to talk about getting plastic hooks for it. We'll talk budget and ideas more after you deliver the news of the whether I'm in or out.

Entertainment:  Will I have access to my weekly show? Greys Anatomy, The Big Bang Thoery, Weeds, Americas Next Top Model... ya know...my shows. Is there TIVO? A sign up sheet to reserve a spot?


Is there Red Box? I like romantic comedies where the leading ladies fall down alot.


Is there some kind of good prisoner bucks program? Similar to penny for a page reading program?


Is prison a BYOPP (bring your own personal products) or will prison provide them for me? For example  : Shampoo and conditioner I will be needing Herbal Essence color me happy shampoo AND conditioner.. Prison is no excuse for split ends!
Dove Soap
Johnsons baby lotion
 Collegen building mascara ( Not waterproof!)
And don't forget my loofa!
Pink nailpolish
If prison is not providing these things is there a prison gift shop that I can use my prison pennies to purchase them at?
It is very important that I have an extra orange jumpsuit to lay out as my kidnapper clothes.
Will the Twilight Series be available in the prison library or do I need to ask Brooks to pre order them on amazon?
Will my cell have extra outlets provided for my bath and body works Wallflower? Coconut Lime Verbena.
I will be needing some tape to hang up pictures of myself when I was healthy and happy.. that is my treatment plan after all! Maybe you could talk to the prison doc about giving out that treatment plan to other inmates.
Is there anyway I can get the name of my celly (Im fluent with the prison lingo) so that I can look her up on myspace or facebook to get to know her. Poke her on facebook ( no shankey!)
What kind of computers are available in the big house? And please don't say a white one.
Im putting together a prison playlist on my ipod here is what I have so far:
Jail House Rock - The King!
Rehab - Amy Whinehouse
Folsom Prison Blues-Johnny Cash
I'm a Slave for youuuuuuu- Britney Spears because every playlist needs a little britney!
Do you have anymore suggestions?


Just so you know the tattoo on my wrist has nothing to do with escaping jail. I know I seem like a criminal mastermind and I can pull a lil Michael Scofield but really.. not so much.


I have many friends all over the world will Skype be available?
For my welcome to prison meal this is what I would like:


 1 chicken soft taco from dell taco
1 large coke from mcdonalds
1 bag of salt and vinegar chips
I packet of fruit gushers
3 totinos pizza rolls
and a small side of ranch dressing.
 1 prison popsicle. 


Halloween is right around the corner what costumes will be made available to me? Also, will the prison gift shop have candy available for prison trick or treating?


When I check out of prison will I be assigned a parol officer? If so do I need to get him a Christmas present? Whats his or her shirt size? Do they enjoy bedazzled things? Hopefully they have a facebook or myspace as well.

Now, toilet wine. How does THAT work?

..oh one more thing.. can I reserve a top bunk? If I reserve before I check in it should be guaranteed. Just sayin'...  


Thank you for your time-
 the possible new fish


Hugs and kisses!!

SORRY IF MY LANGUAGE OR OPINIONS OFFEND

FIRST OF ALL I APOLOGIZE FOR THE POST IN ALL CAPS I AM NOT MAD I AM JUST ON MY PIECE OF SHIT LAPTOP AND THE CAPS BUTTON IS STUCK.

YOU KNOW HOW OLD PEOPLE SAY THEY ARE READY TO DIE? THEY NO LONGER HAVE FRIENDS FAMILY WHATEVER THEY ARE SICK OF WAITING FOR DEATH. IM TWENTY THREE YEARS OLD AND I HAVE REALIZED IM READY TO DIE. AS I WAS REASERCHING FIBROMYALGIA DOCTORS IN UTAH LAST NIGHT ..WHICH BY THE WAY THERE IS NO GOOD ONES IN UTAH I SAW THIS POP UP FOR FIBRO MEDICINE AND IT SAID " FIBROMYALGIA DOES NOT HAVE TO BE A DEATH SENTENCE" .. FOR ME.. THATS EXACTLY WHAT IT IS.

FIBRO HAS TAKEN AWAY EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE THAT WAS NORMAL  THAT WAS GOOD THAT I THOUGHT MY LIFE WOULD BE THAT I WANTED MY LIFE TO BE.. EVERYTHING. BUT FOR 2 YEARS I HAD IT UNDER CONTROL. BUT BY UNDER CONTROL I MEAN A FIVE TIMES PAIN PILL HABIT TO KEEP MY OUT OF THE PAIN.

I REALIZE THAT WHAT I AM ABOUT TO SAY MY OFFEND SOME PEOPLE AND THAT IS NOT MY INTENTION BUT I JUST NEED TO GET THIS OFF OF MY CHEST.

TO START: FOR MY CASE OF FIBROMYALGIA ONE OF THE BIGGEST TRIGGERS OF BAD DAYS IS STRESS. STRESS CAN MAKE ME FEEL TEN TIMES WORSE. THE EVENTS OF MY LIFE THE PAST FIVE MONTHS HAVE BEEN SO UN FAIR AND COMPLETE BULL SHIT THAT IT MAKES ME WANT TO THROW UP JUST THINKING ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED. STRESSFULL DOESNT EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE WHAT I HAVE BEEN FEELING. STRESS MEANS MORE PAIN. MORE PAIN MEANS ME TAKING MORE OF MY  PAIN PILLS. SO WHEN I RAN OUT EARLY I GOT A NEW PERSCRIPTION BUT IT HAD A STICKER ON IT THAT SAID I COULD NOT FILL IT UNTIL A CERTIN DATE BECUASE I WAS EARLY BECUASE I TOOK MORE THEN PERSCRIBED THAT MONTH. SO WHEN I SAW THAT I HAD AN ANXIETY ATTACK. THINKING ABOUT HAVING TO LIVE IN PAIN ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE WAS TO MUCH TO HANDLE. SO WHAT DID I DO.. I TOOK THE STICKER OFF. GOT THE MEDICINE FILLED.

BECUASE OF THAT MISTAKE MY LIFE IS NOW OFFICALLY FUCKED. I WAS REPORTED TO THE POLICE FOR PERSCRIPTION FRAUD AND THEY CAME TO ARREST ME. LUCKY FOR ME I WAS NOT TAKEN TO JAIL BECAUSE I  HAVE A PICC LINE. AND BECAUSE THERE ARE FAR WORSE PEOPLE OUT THERE THEN A GIRL WHO HAS NO RECORD  WHO MADE A MISTAKE OUT OF STRESS ANXIETY AND BECAUSE I WAS  THINKING ABOUT HOW I WAS GOING TO FUNCTION WITHOUT PAIN PILLS. UNFORTUNITLY THAT IS WHAT MY LIFE HAS BECOME. BECAUSE EVERY SINGLE PROBLEM I HAVE EVER HAD HEALTH WISE NOT JUST FIBRO HAS BEEN SOLVED BY GIVING ME A PERSCRIPION FOR PAIN PILLS.


AGAIN I AM NOT AN ADDICT. MY BODY IS DEPENDANT  ON THEM AND YA KNOW WHAT AFTER  EIGHT YEARS OF BEING ON THEM EVERY SINGLE DAY  NUMEROUS TIMES A DAY WHOS BODY WOULDNT??  AND THERE IS A HUGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN ADDICT AND BEING YOUR BODY BEING DEPENDANT.  BUT BECAUSE OF THAT MISTAKE MY DOCTORS HAVE TAKEN ME OFF OF EVERYTHING . NOT JUST PAIN PILLS  EVERY MEDICATION I WAS ON. SO FOR 2 MONTHS I WENT THREW THE HELL OF WITHDRAWLS.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING IF A DOCTOR EVER TELLS YOU IT ONLY TAKES ABOUT 6 TO 9 DAYS FOR A MEDICATION TO GET OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM AND YOU WILL BE FINE AFTER THAT IS FULL OF SHIT. 2 MONTHS OF WITHDRAWLS A HOSPITAL STAY BECAUSE MY HEART WAS GIVING OUT BECAUSE MY BODY HAD NO POTASIUM FROM BEING SO DEHYDRATED LOSING THIRTY POUNDS AND DAY AFTER DAY OF THOUGHTS OF DOWNING EVERY BOTTLE OF PILLS AND BOOZE YOU CAN FIND AROUND THE HOUSE TO KILL YOURSELF AND END IT ALL RATHER THEN LIVING ONE MORE DAY OF THAT.. NONE OF THAT LASTS 6 TO 9 DAYS. AND THE ONLY HELP I GOT WITH ANY OF THAT AND BY THAT I MEAN I DIDNT GET TAPERED OFF OF THE MEDICATIONS I DIDNT GET ANY HELP WHAT SO EVER FROM MY DOCTORS THE THERAPIST I WAS SEEING..DISMISSED ME AS  A PATIENT ( YA THANKS ASSHOLE  THE ONLY HELP I GOT WAS
THE ADVICE TO WRITE DOWN ON A PIECE OF PAPER THE WORDS...THIS TO SHALL PASS.

BUT THAT DIDNT WORK FOR ME BECAUSE I KNEW THAT ONCE THE WITHDRAWLS OF COMING OFF OF ALL TWELVE MEDICATIONS I WAS TAKING A DAY ..I WOULDNT FEEL BETTER BECUASE I WOULD BE IN PAIN EVERY SINGLE DAY. AND NOW THREE MONTHS LATER IT IS WORSE THEN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE. YOU CAN SAY I HAVE ONLY MYSELF TO BLAME AND YA KNOW WHAT I DO BLAME  MYSELF I DID WHAT I DID AND I WILL HAVE TO LIVE WITH THAT MISTAKE..AND POSSIBLY LIVE WITH THAT MISTAKE IN JAIL BUT IT IS SO UNFAIR THAT BECUASE OF A MISTAKE THAT I MADE OUT OF STRESS AND PANIC AND FEAR I HAVE TO LIVE IN PAIN AND SUFFERING EVERY SINGLE DAY.

HERE IS MY BIGGEST ISSUE: AGAIN MY INTENT IS NOT TO HURT OR OFFEND ANYONE BY SAYING THIS BUT YA KNOW WHAT I FEEL LIKE I HAVE BEEN LET DOWN AND HURT BY EVERYONE I ONCE LOVED OR TRUSTED AND RESPECTED SO IM DONE WITH TRYING TO GIVE ANYONE ELSE ANY OF THOSE THINGS. WHY IS IT THAT ANYONE WHO HAS A DRUG ADDICTION WHETHER IT BE DRUGS ALCHOL SEX WHATEVER....THEY CAN SAY ITS A DISEASE AND THEY GET ALL THE HELP IN THE WORLD. IM SORRY BUT SOMETHING YOU BRING ON YOURSELF LIKE THIS IS NOT A DISEASE. BUT SOMEONE LIKE ME ON THE OTHER HAND WHO REALLY DOES HAVE AN ACTUAL MEDICAL DISEASE THAT I SURE AS HELL DID NOT ASK FOR OR BRING ON MYSELF IS FUCKED OVER BY HER DOCTORS AND IS NOW EXPECTED TO LIVE IN PAIN AND EVERYTHING THAT COMES ALONG WITH FIBRO BECUASE OF A MISTAKE THAT I MADE.... IM SORRY BUT ADDICTION IS NOT A DISEASE BUT  YOU ARE  GOING TO GET MORE HELP WITH YOUR SO CALLED DISEASE  THEN SOMEONE WHO  LIVES IN PAIN EVERY SINGLE DAY TO THE POINT OF NOT BEING ABLE TO GET OUT OF BED OR WALK UP AND DOWN THE STAIRS BECAUSE I MADE A MISTAKE THAT WAS MADE TO PROTECT MYSELF FROM THAT SO THAT I COULD GET UP AND GO TO WORK AND  LIVE AND FUNCTION THE BEST I CAN.  THAT SHOULD TELL YOU HOW BAD  LIFE WITH THIS DISEASE IS.  TO DO SOMETHING  LIKE WHAT I DID  SO I WOULDNT HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT... JUST THINK ABOUT THAT. I AM NOT TRYING TO GET PITTY  OR HAVE SOMEONE TELL ME TO HANG IN THERE THINGS WILL GET BETTER OR MAKE ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT WHAT I DID OR HAVE ANYONE FEEL SORRY FOR ME THAT IS NOT MY PURPOSE OF THIS.  AND I AM NOT TRYING TO SAY THAT PEOPLE THAT LIVE WITH ADDICTION HAVE IT EASY OR ITS NOT HARD ALL IM SAYING IS THAT ITS OFFENSIVE TO ME TO HAVE  SOMEONE CALL THAT A DISEASE WHEN I AM LIVING WITH  AN ACTUAL DISEASE AND WILL THE REST OF MY LIFE. THERE IS NO GETTING SOBER FROM FIBRO THERE IS NO SPONSERS TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER EVERY NIGHT WHEN I GO TO BED IN HOPES THAT I DONT WAKE UP THE NEXT DAY BECUASE WAKING UP IN THE PAIN I WAKE UP TO IS A PRETTY HORRIBLE THING.

I HAVE LOST SO MUCH IN THE PAST FIVE MONTHS THAT LIKE I SAID I WOULD BE OK IF I DIED TODAY. IN FACT I THINK IT WOULD BE BEST IF I DID.  I HAVE LOST MY JOB THAT I HAVE BEEN AT FOR THE PAST 6 YEARS  BECUASE I AM TO SICK  TO GO TO WORK I HAVE BEEN IN BED SINCE JUNE BECEAUSE AGAIN I CANT EVEN GET OUT OF BED MORE THEN TWICE A DAY TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. I HAVE LOST MY FAMILY I HAVE NO FAMILY AND THERE IS NOTHING MORE DEPRESSING AND HEARTBREAKING LIVING IN A HOUSE THAT ONCE WAS A HOME THAT ONCE HAD A FAMILY LIVING IN IT. THE ONE PERSON THAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN AT MY BED SIDE WHEN IM SICK AND THE ONE PERSON THAT  I HAVE WANTED HERE MORE THEN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD HAS A BETTER LIFE NOW THAT DOESNT INCLUDE SICK CHILDREN. MY DOCTOR WHO HAS ALWAYS BEEN ONE OF THE VERY FE PEOPLE WHO I COULD TRUST HAS LET ME DOWN  IN WAYS THAT  I NEVER  THOUGHT WOULD HAPPEN.  HIS NEW  TREATMENT PLAN FOR MY FIBRO... PUT  UP PICTURES OF YOURSELF OF BEFORE YOU WERE SICK AND REMEMBER THAT YOU CAN FEEL BETTER ON YOUR OWN.... ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? THAT IS YOUR TREATMENT PLAN??? JEE WHY DIDNT YOU SUGGEST THAT EIGHT YEARS AGO BEFORE YOU  PERSCRIBED ME MY  NARCOTIC DEATH WISH?  WHEN YOU YOURSELF ARE THE ONE THAT SAID YOU ARE NOT AN ADDICT YOUR BODY IS DEPENDENT ON THEM BECUASE YOU HAVE A PAINFULL DISEASE....YOU REALLY THINK THAT ME STARING AT A PICTURE OF MYSELF WHEN I WAS HEALTHY AND HAPPY AND MY LIFE WAS FULL OF HOPE AND DREAMS AND WASNT COMPLETE SHIT YOU REALLY THINK THATS GOING TO HELP ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT THIS..  YEAH YOUR PICTURE PERFECT TREATMENT PLAN IS BULLSHIT. THERE  IS A HUGE DIFFERENCE THEN SOMEONE TAKING A PAIN PILL TO FEEL HIGH THEN THERE IS SOMEONE TAKING HOW MANY EVER IT TAKES TO NOT FEEL PAIN.

THIS IS JUST SO UNFAIR. THATS ALL MY LIFE IS NOW IS UNFAIR. MY JOB.. THE ONE PLACE   THAT I FELT LIKE I HAD FAMILY AND STABILITY AND SUPPORT HAS BEEN TAKEN AWAY FROM ME BECUASE OF THIS DISEASE.  MY ACTUAL  FAMILY IF YOU EVEN WANT TO CALL THEM THAT ANYMORE HAS BEEN RIPPED APART  FROM  BETRAYAL  LIES  SELFISHNESS  HATE  AND THE  ONE THING THAT  I HAVE BEEN TAUGHT AND DRILLED IN MY HEAD EVER SINCE I CAN REMEMBER FROM THEM  IS  US  FIVE  FAMILY MEMBERS  ARE ALL THAT WE WILL EVER HAVE IN LIFE ... YEAH  AND LOOK AT US NOW  COULDNT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT EACHOTHER  AND HAS NOT ONCE STOPPED AND THOUGHT HEY I WONDER HOW THOSE  OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS THAT I PROMISED TO ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ARE HANDLING THIS.  REAL NICE.

SO STRESS NOT SO GREAT . AND BECAUSE OF A BAD CHOICE ON MY PART BECAUSE OF A CHOICE TO PROTECT MYSELF FROM EVEN MORE PAIN AND SUFFERING I NOW HAVE TO LIVE IN MISERABLE PHYSICAL AND MENTAL PAIN BECUASE OF A REAL DISEASE. YEAH THAT SEEMS REALLY FAIR.

IM GONNA GO LOOK AT A PICTURE OF MYSELF FROM NINE YEARS AGO AND SEE IF THAT MAKES ME NOT WANT TO THINK ABOUT HOW MUCH BETTER DYING SOUNDS THEN LIVING LIKE THIS ANOTHER DAY. AND IF IM LUCKY ENOUGH TO DIE IN MY SLEEP I WOULD LIKE A COPY OF THIS BLOG POST DELIVERED TO ALL OF THE MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS OUT THERE THINK THAT ADDICTION IS A DISEASE THAT NEEDS MORE HELP THEN AN ACTUAL DISEASE. A DISEASE THAT IS NOT BROUGHT ON BY CHOICE , EVERY DOCTOR WHO THINKS THAT CUTTING SOMEONE OFF OF THE ONLY THING THAT HAS OFFERED THEIR PATIENT RELIEF FROM THIS DISEASE IS OKAY BECUASE THEY MADE A MISTAKE AND TO THE THERAPIST WHO I HAD TO GET OVER MY TRUST ISSUES AND TELL EVERYTHING TO WHO TOLD ME I HAVE ABBANDOMENT ISSUES THAT DECIDED DISCHARGING ME AS A PATIENT BECUASE OF A MISTAKE I MADE WAS REALLY GOING TO HELP.. YA YOUR A REAL CLASS ACT. AND TO EVERYONE ELSE WHO IS STUPID ENOUGH TO BELIEVE THAT YOU HAVE FRIENDS AND FAMILY THAT  WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR YOU NO MATTER WHAT ... ALL YOU HAVE IS YOURSELF IN THIS WORLD. AND EVEN WHEN YOU DO SOMETHING TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM PAIN AND SUFFERING THOSE  PEOPLE WHO YOU THOUGHT YOU CAN TRUST AND DEPEND ON WILL STILL FIND A WAY TO SCREW YOU OVER.

BUT JUST GO LOOK AT A HEALTHY PICTURE OF YOURSELF... YOUR PROBLEMS WILL JUST VANISH. AND IF THAT DOESNT WORK GO FIND A POST IT AND WRITE THIS TO SHALL PASS ON IT


OH THAT DIDNT WORK EITHER... WOW... SHOCKING.

JUST CONSIDER YOURSELF ALONE AND FUCKED THATS ALL THAT IS  A SURE THING IN MY WORLD

The Start Of Therapy

"Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn't you - all of the expectations, all of the beliefs - and becoming who you are."

-Rachel Naomi Remen

I went back and forth about whether or not to post about my therapy on this blog or start a new blog just for my therapy. But I have started a personal journal that I actually write in and the reasons that I am going to therapy are very personally, raw, and right now I am not ready to have the world wide web know everything that I am going for.

One of the reasons and this is a big fat reason I'm going is for my parents divorce. As my therapist said one crisis can bring up old ones that were never talked about and treated and healed. Without going into detail becuase right now Im not ready to share with anyone but I have been carrying around a burdon from a terrible thing that happened to me a few years ago that I hope I can get help with releasing the anger and sick feelings it brings to think about it.

So far, I have only had 2 sessions. 2 sessions and a lot of journal writting. First sessions was really rough luckily Meagen has been so awesome and supportive she came with me and becuase I was so scared and having anxiety and just un able to do it alone she came with me and honestly talked for me hahah she said more then I did which I appreciate so much she has been unbelievably great to me and I love her for coming and being there for me. 

We mostly talked about what I am here for and what I hope to get out of it. I was very emotional so it was really hard to get threw. It brought a lot of comfort to me to know that he knows and works with my doctor whom I trust and love so much.. that deffinitly helped calm some of my fears.

On our second session we talked mostly about my parents divorce. Again I am not going into detail on here about our session but when I left I felt a release of not guilt but ... I dont know how to explain it but I left feeling comforted and knowing that its okay to tell people how I am doing. He told me that its okay for me to be pissed off and upset. And its okay to tell people what happened. I need to protect myself and start working out these secrets and burdons and get better. Emotionally and mentally get myself together.

Right now I am a flat out freaking mess but I have hope that medicine and therapy can start to help me heal. I am doing the best I can with everything in my life right now. Unfortunitly my best isnt great but I am trying.

Thank you to all of those who know who you are for the love support and prayers. I hope that one day I can have my old self back and somehow show and tell you how much your love and support is appreciated. I love you all.

Also a big thanks to Ativan and Zoloft. Even though it just makes me numb to the world, right now I think numb is what I need.

Allix and Luke Fundraiser

My dear coworker Mikaela ( Well use to be co worker ) and her family are going threw a very hard time right now. Her nephew and Sister in law were involved in the herriman apartment fire that happened about a week ago. The fire started by a little kid playing matches. You can read the article from ksl HERE 

They both were severealy injured and have been in the ICU burn unit at the U of U ever since. My heart aches for their family and although I wish I could do more all I can do is ask that you keep them in your prayers and get the word out about the fundraiser they are doing for them.

The Fundraiser will be on Saturday July 10th In the Macey's grociery store lot (7859 s 3200 w West Jordan, UT) It will start at 8:00am and go until 4:00pm. It sounds like they have alot of great things planned for it. Here is the description of it that is on the Facebook event page for the fundraiser.

"Allix and Luke were critically burned in an Apt fire and we are having a fundraiser for them. Many of people are involved. Maceys has offered their parking lot, and donated 5000 hotdogs, chips, and drinks. Channel 4 news will be present all day broadcasting. We have many items to raffle off includingTwilight memorabilia signed by main cast members. Jazz memorabilia, gift certiciatcates, garage sale items, ice cream, baked goods, airline passes,and many other things in the works..any little bit will help allix and little Luke...The doctor says it will take months of therapy, and she has lost most everything due to water and smoke damage. We want to keep her at home with her son...If you feel inspired to help this beautiful family..please stop by maceys ...Thankyou to all who have stepped up to the plate to make this happen..Allix is still on a respirator and still sedated, but will one day be able to see all of this outpouring of love. Anyone interested in donating or assisting, please contact Janet Kohler at 801-688-9644...and there has also been an account set up under allix and luke thrall at Wells Fargo bank.., Thankyou for your love and support...xoxoxoxo"

Like I said I wish I could do more to help their family out but hopefully this will help get the word out! Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers and if you have time stop by there on Saturday to show your love and support for such a good cause.

Hope For Holli Update

HOPEFORHOLLI.BLOGSPOT.COM

About a year ago my amazing friend McKenna created a website and foundation called Hope For Holli (Yes, thats me!)

She made it to help get my story out about my health that has just continued to get worse and worse expecially this last year. Last April I went into renal failure becuase the nerves around my kidney and bladder stopped working. I ended up finding out that I needed a surgery to have a unit called an interstem unit placed in my hip to keep my kidneys and everything running.

My insurance will not cover it.

The unit alone is $40,000.

So McKenna was so nice to make this website for me and to help raise money for my surgery. I was so amazed by this and I have never felt the kind of love I felt when she showed me this. I could not believe it! She is such an amazing person and I can not thank her enough for doing this!

A few weeks after the website was put up my friend Bethany decided that she was going to help out in another way too!! She worked at a hair salon and she put out this super cute jar that had my story on it. She recently moved out of the State but before she left she came over and brought me the money people had donated! I was so amazed!! It was seriously such a blessing all the money she gave me was put towards buying my monthly medicine! It could not have been given to me at a better time. I never thought that I would be one of those people that has my face and story on a can or jar or whatever around the city but I am! I could not believe how much money she had collected! I was so greatful!

I just want to thank McKenna again for creating this foundation for me I love you so much and am so greatful for everything you have done for me and to have such a kind person like you in my life!

And thank you Bethany as well for doing that! I just feel so greatful to have such an amazing friend who would do this for me! ( And Ps... Lets give a congrats to Bethany for getting engaged recently!!!)

Everyone should have friends like these girls they are so amazing and I hope they know how much I appreciate what they have done for me and how much all their prayers, love, support, the money they have collected everything has ment to me and has helped me so much!!! Thank you sooo much girls! I love you!!!

I returned to a life that was not there when I left.

I just got back from visitng my sister brother in law and nephwe in California. I had a great time. I was so happy to see and spend time with them and live in their world for a few days. Help out with the baby ( Who but the way told me that I am his favorite aunt... he even picked out my flowers for my birthday while I was there.) It was a lot of fun to be there. . We visited the Jelly Belly Factory which was a blast... It was so cool to see how they are made and all sorts of stuff ... They had an awesome gift shop where I purchesed one to many bags of the Jelly flops. ( I have pictures but I'll have to add them later.) We went out to dinner, stayed home and watched movies together and had amazing meals and they were so kind to make vegetarian meals since they know that I don't eat meat. They showed great hospitality towards me and I felt right at home!

My favorite part of my trip was also the worst day of my life.

( And I am only sharing what is going on so I can tell you why my tattoo means so much to me now and more then I thought it would. . . I am not ready to talk about anything with anyone right now. You can leave comments I could use to blogging love but right now this is all im going to share until I have got a grip on my own emotions and am ready to share more for who ever may want to listen.)

I have known for a while that I have wanted to get a tattoo but I just could never figure out what I wanted. I always knew that I wanted to either get it on the inside of my wrist or the back of my neck. For a very long tiem I wanted to get the chinese symbole for either peace or courage..but I felt that those have become so popular they are no longer unique or anything,  I recently came across a picture of a tatoo that I found on someone elses blog and I really really liked it.

I decided that for my birthday I would get my self a tatoo... so we went in on a saturday the day I got into california and made an appointment for tuesday. I had given them the picture of what I wanted and said ok see you then.

The night before I got my tattoo my mom called to tell me that she and my dad are getting a divorce and she would be moving to California at the end of the week. I can't explain to you how it felt to have all those emotions come over you at once the feeling of just being numb and i felt like I could litteraly feel my heart hurting. Feelings of sadness and tears and wanting to throw up and another rush of anger emotions just so angry and pissed off. I don't know how to explain how heartbroken I am.

My sister was determined to not let that ruin my trip or my birthday. Even though all I wanted to was stay put in my little ball I was curled in and cry and cry Brady and Madi would not let this ruin my trip. They were so sweet to me they were amazing.

So the next day I went to get my tattoo Madi came with me and lets just say the tattoo artis and I didnt start out on good terms. When we walked in I told her I had an appointment made with her and she asked for the picture of what I wanted. I told her that we had emailed it to them when I came in and made the appoitment. Her response was " Do not tell me it was those god awful prissy stupid birds." ( I should probably tell you now that this lady was probably around 65 and a total jesus freak). After she said that I didn't see say anything back to her I was so pissed off and upset about everything any way I just blew it off and ignored it. So I told her what wrist I wanted it on and she asked me if I knew the person who I had gotten the idea from. I said no I do not know her. ( Let me say no that I did not copy the tatoo.. it inspired me for what I ended up getting but it was not a copy.) She then goes off on how I am sooo tacky for copying this person and how rude it is and that she didn't even want to be the artist becuase its just so tacky and the birds are just so ugly and small that there is no point of even getting them. She kept saying that She hates prissy girls like me that she has to waist her time on for some tiny little tattoo. After she got done ranting about all that bull shit I finally just said to her " Well then I guess its a good thing its not going on your body isn't it."

She said well can I please draw up something a little different and see how you like it. I said fine.

While she was drawning a friend of hers or another employee I don't know who it was came in and started talking to her and she tells her some story about how she is fighting with her best friend over money. When that girl left the artist looked at me and Madi and quoted something from the bible about money. She then started to tear up and said " I don't usually do this but I feel that I need to talk to someone. She goes on to tell us about how her and her husband have just recently divorced. She went into the details of it but I won't on here. She just started telling us how heartbroken she is and how hard its been on her and the reason they divoced was becuase of money issues and while she is telling madi and I this I lose it. I just started crying so hard... and she just stopped and looked at me and said " Dear, your crying.. why are you crying?" I had told her that I just found out the night before that my parents were divorcing and that my mom was moving away. We all just sat there for about 25 minutes... talknig took longer then the tattoo did. She finally finished her idea for the tattoo and I loved it.

The tattoo took about 5 minutes it went by really fast and afterwards she said " I don't know if this is appropriate or not or what god you beileve or don't believe in but I need to pray with you. She held our hands and prayed for me and my family. In her prayer she asked for comfort and guidence or us and to help understand and have time to grieve. She said that seeing us she could tell Madi had it more together then me she had her emotions together and she was a little bit stronger then me. She needed to stay strong for me becuase she could tell I am not handling this well. She just knew that I was ment to come to her so that she could talk to someone and that I could talk someone. Even if we are perfect strangers God knew that we needed eachother.

( I know its not the best picture and you can't really tell where it is on my arm but this is the only one I have so far)

She ended up drawing 5 peace doves. on the inside of my wrist on my right arm. I love it so much and it means so much to me. It shows each of the doves flying a different way and at what is going on in my life right now... 5 people in my family but now our family is seperating.

The tattoo means a lot to me and I am so glad that Madison was there to support me and let me hold her hand and let me cry for hours on her lap when I was told my parents are divorcing.. not just divorcing but that my mom left 2 days after I got home to move to California.

( Again that is all that I am sharing for now my feelings are still to new and raw that I need to deal wieh tthem first before I can share them with someone else but my sisters whom I love more then anything in this world.

Welcome to the Unknown

Does everyone have secrets? Maybe not even a secret but just things about them that no one knows about? And you don't tell because your afraid of what people may think? Or are there things that really are just better left unsaid? I don't know. Lately I have been thinking about things that most people probably don't know about me and maybe they do, I guess some things I just don't like to share becuase they make me sound like a terrible person, other things I am just embarrased and others I just don't like to talk about. I am trying to turn over a new leaf in life ( I know I sound like a broken record how many times have I said I am going to turn over a new leaf?) I have tried to turn over a new leaf many times and I just never do so now all I have is a big pile of un turned leafs.

I hate the feeling of not knowing who I am and what my point of life is here. I think that I should disclose some of these things that I don't like to discuss with others. Maybe letting go of these things that I may be ashamed of or things that I just don't like to talk about becuase I just don't like going back to that place. Maybe by doing this I can start looking forward on life and figuring out what my purpose here is rather then just being so focused on all the hidden things.

***Before I start I just want everyone to know that if you feel like what I say is a personal attack on you its not. I am not doing this to hurt feelings or anything like that I did not have an agenda to do so when I starting writting. This is not about my attacking you and if you feel like it is then stop reading. No one is making you read my blog. This is for me not you. Everyone needs an outlet and as of right now this is mine, so again this is for me not you. But I do apologize in advance if someone is hurt becuase of this I would never intentionally hurt anyones feelings.**

I hate that I no longer have people to talk to. I know that I have my family and they would do anything for me and are always there for me. They are amazing my sisters are my best friends and always have been and I love the fact that I have such different relationships with both of them. My parents would do anything for my sisters and I. Because we have never had any family outside the 5 of us we were always taught that eachother is all that we have and on so many occasions I have learned that to be true. Everyone has a family.. they have parents siblings pets whatever everyone has one. But one thing I have learned as an adult that everyone makes their own family. I don't mean when you get married and have kids and have your own family I mean the people you work with can be your family, your friends can be your family.  I use to have a great group of friends that love and adored me and I love and adored them. And the last 9 years of my life my friends have been people who also had health issues. In the beggining it was great to be around people who understood what I was going threw and that we could support eachother in ways that no one else could becuase no one else really understood how our bodies felt. They understood me and gave me support on those few occasions that I just wanted it over with I didn't want to fight it anymore where the thought of just dying would be so much better then fighting the sickness that no doctor could figure out what it was. But it got to the point where it became unhealthy for me to be around them. It was unhealthy to be around them becuase it got to the point where that was all we ever talked about all we ever did was lay around becuase we didnt feel well and talk about how we didn't feel well and I am not saying I didnt do it becuase I did but it just became unhealthy for me to be around other un healthy people. When it got to the point that everything was tit for tat I had distance myself from them. I could not handle the " My stomache hurts"..." Oh well I have already been throwing up all day." I had to get away.

It took me a long time to realize that I have a huge flaw when it comes to me being a friend to someone. Instead of just distancing myself and doing it the right way I just pushed everyone away. I got annoyed when I was around them I was rude I just did it all the wrong way. I know that there are a few people that would do anything for me and those are not those in my family but my flaws I now know are the  reason why all my friendships that I have left are at best acquaintances. But what else I have realized is that maybe people only need a few special people that have a spot in your heart and you have a spot in theirs. Its not about how many people you have its about knowing those people will take care of you and you will take care of them no matter how many flaws you may have. There at 4  people outside of my family who may live  far away from me who have taken different paths and journeys then me  in life who may not know it but they are very very special to me. These 4 people have helped me in ways that they may not even know it. Who look past my flaws and who help ME look past my flaws. These people mean a whole lot to me. Who inspire me, who I look up to who make me want to be a better person becuase they are so amazing and special. These 4 girls are just beautiful girls and I am so greatful to have them in my life even though 2 of them are so far away they are very close to my heart. Arn't these girls just beautiful?

When I mentioned about how Im going to talk about the places I don't like to go back to I am talking about when I was engaged. Although I thank God every single day that I was able to learn what I want and don't want in a marriage and a husband I hate going back to this place. But I feel that I need to find myself. Although at the time it was so hard for it to be over I am so glad that it is. At the time I never thought that I would be able to lift my head off of my dads lap and never be able to stop crying I just have to think about how hard it would have been if he had left me after we had gotten married. Looking back on that time of my life I wish I knew then what I know now. But I guess I never would have been able to learn this if he hadnt left and it ended. It is not often that I bring this certain even of my life up but when I do I never put the blame just on him. Yes he left. He packed his bags and left. He was the one who said " I'm done" But I did my part to make it all fall apart. And if I knew back then that I should have stuck up for myself when situations came up that HE should have stuck up for me maybe I wouldn't kick myself now thinking about all those situations that I should have stuck up for myself or I should have said that it was not okay for him to just sit back and allow terrible things to be said and done to me and think that it was okay for him to do and say things that should not have been said. But again I put just as much bull shit and drama in the realationship as he did.  I know that our relationship changed when he was diagnosed with cancer becuase he changed.... drasticly. . I am a huge believer that everything happends for a reason. I have said it time and time before that I know I was put into his life for a reason. To help him threw cancer. To help his family threw his cancer. I was the strong one becuase I am use to be around sickness and hospital and doctors. And it took me a long time to realize that I was never ment to marry him that was my purpose of being in his life was to help him threw cancer. The part of me that wants to believe that I am just a good person and I can put aside the bull shit that happend with us and put aside the anger towards him I want to be a good person and just realize that I did something good for him I was there at his bedside I left my family for months to be with him and help him and help his family. And if he couldnt realize how much I did for him then he is the bad person. But on the selfish side of me I hate him. I hate him for breaking me. I hate him for making me never want to get close to anyone and never let anyone in becuase of fear that this will happen again. I hate him for having a huge fear that my relationship to him is the closest that I will ever get to marriage and if thats it that just makes me sick.

There are things that I fear my future husband... again if I have one will not understand. I know that becoming an adult and having a marriage is about sacrafice I know that I know that all to well but after my engagement fell apart the best advice I recieved was to have 3 things in your life that you are not will to change or sacrafice for someone else. And if that person understands that then be with them and if they don't yu are better off. I feel like my family should be one of them. They are one of them in a way that my relationship with my family will never change, they mean the world to me. they mean more then the world to me they are my everything they are all that I have. . And if for some reason my family has a problem with someone who I someday may marry then I am going to have a problem. My familys opinion of my future husband or my boyfriends mean as much to me as if they were my own opinions. They would support me no matter who I choose to be with but their opinion makes a huge impact on me. Love is blind. Love can make you look past the flaws of someone or make someone that could be a huge mistake or a huge problem seem so small becuase the love is making the good weight out the bad. And even though it may hurt my family is going to be the one to see the flaws the bad and the mistake that could have be and they know and I know that even though it may be hard to hear that can tell me that and I will trust them and know that its for my own good and they will still be my family.

Right now I only have 2 things that I am not willing to give up or change. And my second thing is pregnancy. I am not saying that I don't want kids becuase I do want kids someday. I really do want to be a mother and to have kids of my own I really really do but I never ever and will not ever ever be pregnant. I will not go threw that. And this is something that I have said for as long as I can remember. I never want to be pregnant. No one can expect if their pregnancy is going to be easy or difficult but I do know my body and I just don't think that it could handle it. I could not handle it. For medical reasons I have asked for years for a hysterectomy. They have always said " You will regret it becuase you will want to have kids some day" No. I made the desision years ago that I never want to be pregnant. Just because I did not birth my future child does not mean that I can't be there mother. My sister has told me that if I wanted this option that she would be a suraget for me. ( How awesome is that?!)  My doctors have told me that once I get my kidney problems and everything taken care of we will look into a hysterectomy again. They told me to truly think about it... If they are willing to do it ( And they would do it for medical reasons not just becuase I dont want to be pregnant) I would say yes in a heart beat. I hope that my future husband will understand that I made the choice years ago even before my health got very bad that I just never want to go threw pregnancy.

              ( At this point of this post I just want to tell readers congrats for making it this far without clicking on the big red X or fallen asleep. Also, I want everyone to know that I understand that if you now think of me as the worlds biggest selfish bitch.. I get it and if you are thinking that its okay your not thinking anything bad of me that I don't already feel for myself so its okay.)

I know in life everyone has things that they are afraid of. May be little things may be huge things, I feel like my life is just filled with fear. My life long fear of being kidnapped has made my ocd out of control. My ocd of having to lock the doors at night check them so many times and I can't just look at them I have to litteraly fill the door knobs and the locks and turn them so hard to make sure that the door is shut all the way and its really locked so badly and so many times at night that I have blisters on my hands from it. And the ocd doesn't stop there. I have a constint fear of so many things and fear is not a good feeling. I have a fear that something is going to happen to my family. I have a fear of them dying or something terrible is goign to happen to them. If I go to bed or if I am going somewhere or if they are going somewhere the last thing I ALWAYS say to them is I love you. I never let them go anywhere or me go anywhere or go to bed at night without telilng them that. No matter what even if we have just gotten into a collasal fight I always say it. Sometimes more then once. Becuase if something happends to me or to them I want me last words to them is I love you. They need to know that I love them. I have this fear that the shit is gonna hit the fan one day and my world is going to be turned upside down. I just feel like everyday I have to walk on egg shells for my life.

I just wish I knew what my purpose in my life is here. When I was in junior high and I was healthy and active I really felt like I was going to do something spectacular in life. Something amazing. I knew my life would be one filled with excitment. I never was a good student in fact I was a terrible student but back then I felt like I had so many other things going for me I didnt' need to me a good student. Because who needs a good education to be a professional dancer. Back then I knew thats what I was going to do with life. In school I was named most likely to be a super star. My life is so far from that. I am not by any means saying my life is not worth living or I hate my life I am not saying that AT ALL. I just wish how I knew I got here. Well I know how I got here. I got sick. I got very sick and everything changed. 

I just need to know who I am. I need help finding myself and who I want to be and what I want to do with this life. Where I am now I have no dreams. Everyone has a dream. I need to find mine.

How long should someone try and find themselves before they give up and ask whatever god they believe in why he put you in this earth if you feel like you have done nothing and will be nothing?

Where do I start?

*** One more time I want to apologize if I came off as dramatic, throwing a pitty party for myself and how selfish I sound again this was about me I needed an outlet and this is where I ended up writting the unknown about me***