SORRY IF MY LANGUAGE OR OPINIONS OFFEND

FIRST OF ALL I APOLOGIZE FOR THE POST IN ALL CAPS I AM NOT MAD I AM JUST ON MY PIECE OF SHIT LAPTOP AND THE CAPS BUTTON IS STUCK.

YOU KNOW HOW OLD PEOPLE SAY THEY ARE READY TO DIE? THEY NO LONGER HAVE FRIENDS FAMILY WHATEVER THEY ARE SICK OF WAITING FOR DEATH. IM TWENTY THREE YEARS OLD AND I HAVE REALIZED IM READY TO DIE. AS I WAS REASERCHING FIBROMYALGIA DOCTORS IN UTAH LAST NIGHT ..WHICH BY THE WAY THERE IS NO GOOD ONES IN UTAH I SAW THIS POP UP FOR FIBRO MEDICINE AND IT SAID " FIBROMYALGIA DOES NOT HAVE TO BE A DEATH SENTENCE" .. FOR ME.. THATS EXACTLY WHAT IT IS.

FIBRO HAS TAKEN AWAY EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE THAT WAS NORMAL  THAT WAS GOOD THAT I THOUGHT MY LIFE WOULD BE THAT I WANTED MY LIFE TO BE.. EVERYTHING. BUT FOR 2 YEARS I HAD IT UNDER CONTROL. BUT BY UNDER CONTROL I MEAN A FIVE TIMES PAIN PILL HABIT TO KEEP MY OUT OF THE PAIN.

I REALIZE THAT WHAT I AM ABOUT TO SAY MY OFFEND SOME PEOPLE AND THAT IS NOT MY INTENTION BUT I JUST NEED TO GET THIS OFF OF MY CHEST.

TO START: FOR MY CASE OF FIBROMYALGIA ONE OF THE BIGGEST TRIGGERS OF BAD DAYS IS STRESS. STRESS CAN MAKE ME FEEL TEN TIMES WORSE. THE EVENTS OF MY LIFE THE PAST FIVE MONTHS HAVE BEEN SO UN FAIR AND COMPLETE BULL SHIT THAT IT MAKES ME WANT TO THROW UP JUST THINKING ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED. STRESSFULL DOESNT EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE WHAT I HAVE BEEN FEELING. STRESS MEANS MORE PAIN. MORE PAIN MEANS ME TAKING MORE OF MY  PAIN PILLS. SO WHEN I RAN OUT EARLY I GOT A NEW PERSCRIPTION BUT IT HAD A STICKER ON IT THAT SAID I COULD NOT FILL IT UNTIL A CERTIN DATE BECUASE I WAS EARLY BECUASE I TOOK MORE THEN PERSCRIBED THAT MONTH. SO WHEN I SAW THAT I HAD AN ANXIETY ATTACK. THINKING ABOUT HAVING TO LIVE IN PAIN ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE WAS TO MUCH TO HANDLE. SO WHAT DID I DO.. I TOOK THE STICKER OFF. GOT THE MEDICINE FILLED.

BECUASE OF THAT MISTAKE MY LIFE IS NOW OFFICALLY FUCKED. I WAS REPORTED TO THE POLICE FOR PERSCRIPTION FRAUD AND THEY CAME TO ARREST ME. LUCKY FOR ME I WAS NOT TAKEN TO JAIL BECAUSE I  HAVE A PICC LINE. AND BECAUSE THERE ARE FAR WORSE PEOPLE OUT THERE THEN A GIRL WHO HAS NO RECORD  WHO MADE A MISTAKE OUT OF STRESS ANXIETY AND BECAUSE I WAS  THINKING ABOUT HOW I WAS GOING TO FUNCTION WITHOUT PAIN PILLS. UNFORTUNITLY THAT IS WHAT MY LIFE HAS BECOME. BECAUSE EVERY SINGLE PROBLEM I HAVE EVER HAD HEALTH WISE NOT JUST FIBRO HAS BEEN SOLVED BY GIVING ME A PERSCRIPION FOR PAIN PILLS.


AGAIN I AM NOT AN ADDICT. MY BODY IS DEPENDANT  ON THEM AND YA KNOW WHAT AFTER  EIGHT YEARS OF BEING ON THEM EVERY SINGLE DAY  NUMEROUS TIMES A DAY WHOS BODY WOULDNT??  AND THERE IS A HUGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN ADDICT AND BEING YOUR BODY BEING DEPENDANT.  BUT BECAUSE OF THAT MISTAKE MY DOCTORS HAVE TAKEN ME OFF OF EVERYTHING . NOT JUST PAIN PILLS  EVERY MEDICATION I WAS ON. SO FOR 2 MONTHS I WENT THREW THE HELL OF WITHDRAWLS.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING IF A DOCTOR EVER TELLS YOU IT ONLY TAKES ABOUT 6 TO 9 DAYS FOR A MEDICATION TO GET OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM AND YOU WILL BE FINE AFTER THAT IS FULL OF SHIT. 2 MONTHS OF WITHDRAWLS A HOSPITAL STAY BECAUSE MY HEART WAS GIVING OUT BECAUSE MY BODY HAD NO POTASIUM FROM BEING SO DEHYDRATED LOSING THIRTY POUNDS AND DAY AFTER DAY OF THOUGHTS OF DOWNING EVERY BOTTLE OF PILLS AND BOOZE YOU CAN FIND AROUND THE HOUSE TO KILL YOURSELF AND END IT ALL RATHER THEN LIVING ONE MORE DAY OF THAT.. NONE OF THAT LASTS 6 TO 9 DAYS. AND THE ONLY HELP I GOT WITH ANY OF THAT AND BY THAT I MEAN I DIDNT GET TAPERED OFF OF THE MEDICATIONS I DIDNT GET ANY HELP WHAT SO EVER FROM MY DOCTORS THE THERAPIST I WAS SEEING..DISMISSED ME AS  A PATIENT ( YA THANKS ASSHOLE  THE ONLY HELP I GOT WAS
THE ADVICE TO WRITE DOWN ON A PIECE OF PAPER THE WORDS...THIS TO SHALL PASS.

BUT THAT DIDNT WORK FOR ME BECAUSE I KNEW THAT ONCE THE WITHDRAWLS OF COMING OFF OF ALL TWELVE MEDICATIONS I WAS TAKING A DAY ..I WOULDNT FEEL BETTER BECUASE I WOULD BE IN PAIN EVERY SINGLE DAY. AND NOW THREE MONTHS LATER IT IS WORSE THEN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE. YOU CAN SAY I HAVE ONLY MYSELF TO BLAME AND YA KNOW WHAT I DO BLAME  MYSELF I DID WHAT I DID AND I WILL HAVE TO LIVE WITH THAT MISTAKE..AND POSSIBLY LIVE WITH THAT MISTAKE IN JAIL BUT IT IS SO UNFAIR THAT BECUASE OF A MISTAKE THAT I MADE OUT OF STRESS AND PANIC AND FEAR I HAVE TO LIVE IN PAIN AND SUFFERING EVERY SINGLE DAY.

HERE IS MY BIGGEST ISSUE: AGAIN MY INTENT IS NOT TO HURT OR OFFEND ANYONE BY SAYING THIS BUT YA KNOW WHAT I FEEL LIKE I HAVE BEEN LET DOWN AND HURT BY EVERYONE I ONCE LOVED OR TRUSTED AND RESPECTED SO IM DONE WITH TRYING TO GIVE ANYONE ELSE ANY OF THOSE THINGS. WHY IS IT THAT ANYONE WHO HAS A DRUG ADDICTION WHETHER IT BE DRUGS ALCHOL SEX WHATEVER....THEY CAN SAY ITS A DISEASE AND THEY GET ALL THE HELP IN THE WORLD. IM SORRY BUT SOMETHING YOU BRING ON YOURSELF LIKE THIS IS NOT A DISEASE. BUT SOMEONE LIKE ME ON THE OTHER HAND WHO REALLY DOES HAVE AN ACTUAL MEDICAL DISEASE THAT I SURE AS HELL DID NOT ASK FOR OR BRING ON MYSELF IS FUCKED OVER BY HER DOCTORS AND IS NOW EXPECTED TO LIVE IN PAIN AND EVERYTHING THAT COMES ALONG WITH FIBRO BECUASE OF A MISTAKE THAT I MADE.... IM SORRY BUT ADDICTION IS NOT A DISEASE BUT  YOU ARE  GOING TO GET MORE HELP WITH YOUR SO CALLED DISEASE  THEN SOMEONE WHO  LIVES IN PAIN EVERY SINGLE DAY TO THE POINT OF NOT BEING ABLE TO GET OUT OF BED OR WALK UP AND DOWN THE STAIRS BECAUSE I MADE A MISTAKE THAT WAS MADE TO PROTECT MYSELF FROM THAT SO THAT I COULD GET UP AND GO TO WORK AND  LIVE AND FUNCTION THE BEST I CAN.  THAT SHOULD TELL YOU HOW BAD  LIFE WITH THIS DISEASE IS.  TO DO SOMETHING  LIKE WHAT I DID  SO I WOULDNT HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT... JUST THINK ABOUT THAT. I AM NOT TRYING TO GET PITTY  OR HAVE SOMEONE TELL ME TO HANG IN THERE THINGS WILL GET BETTER OR MAKE ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT WHAT I DID OR HAVE ANYONE FEEL SORRY FOR ME THAT IS NOT MY PURPOSE OF THIS.  AND I AM NOT TRYING TO SAY THAT PEOPLE THAT LIVE WITH ADDICTION HAVE IT EASY OR ITS NOT HARD ALL IM SAYING IS THAT ITS OFFENSIVE TO ME TO HAVE  SOMEONE CALL THAT A DISEASE WHEN I AM LIVING WITH  AN ACTUAL DISEASE AND WILL THE REST OF MY LIFE. THERE IS NO GETTING SOBER FROM FIBRO THERE IS NO SPONSERS TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER EVERY NIGHT WHEN I GO TO BED IN HOPES THAT I DONT WAKE UP THE NEXT DAY BECUASE WAKING UP IN THE PAIN I WAKE UP TO IS A PRETTY HORRIBLE THING.

I HAVE LOST SO MUCH IN THE PAST FIVE MONTHS THAT LIKE I SAID I WOULD BE OK IF I DIED TODAY. IN FACT I THINK IT WOULD BE BEST IF I DID.  I HAVE LOST MY JOB THAT I HAVE BEEN AT FOR THE PAST 6 YEARS  BECUASE I AM TO SICK  TO GO TO WORK I HAVE BEEN IN BED SINCE JUNE BECEAUSE AGAIN I CANT EVEN GET OUT OF BED MORE THEN TWICE A DAY TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. I HAVE LOST MY FAMILY I HAVE NO FAMILY AND THERE IS NOTHING MORE DEPRESSING AND HEARTBREAKING LIVING IN A HOUSE THAT ONCE WAS A HOME THAT ONCE HAD A FAMILY LIVING IN IT. THE ONE PERSON THAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN AT MY BED SIDE WHEN IM SICK AND THE ONE PERSON THAT  I HAVE WANTED HERE MORE THEN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD HAS A BETTER LIFE NOW THAT DOESNT INCLUDE SICK CHILDREN. MY DOCTOR WHO HAS ALWAYS BEEN ONE OF THE VERY FE PEOPLE WHO I COULD TRUST HAS LET ME DOWN  IN WAYS THAT  I NEVER  THOUGHT WOULD HAPPEN.  HIS NEW  TREATMENT PLAN FOR MY FIBRO... PUT  UP PICTURES OF YOURSELF OF BEFORE YOU WERE SICK AND REMEMBER THAT YOU CAN FEEL BETTER ON YOUR OWN.... ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? THAT IS YOUR TREATMENT PLAN??? JEE WHY DIDNT YOU SUGGEST THAT EIGHT YEARS AGO BEFORE YOU  PERSCRIBED ME MY  NARCOTIC DEATH WISH?  WHEN YOU YOURSELF ARE THE ONE THAT SAID YOU ARE NOT AN ADDICT YOUR BODY IS DEPENDENT ON THEM BECUASE YOU HAVE A PAINFULL DISEASE....YOU REALLY THINK THAT ME STARING AT A PICTURE OF MYSELF WHEN I WAS HEALTHY AND HAPPY AND MY LIFE WAS FULL OF HOPE AND DREAMS AND WASNT COMPLETE SHIT YOU REALLY THINK THATS GOING TO HELP ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT THIS..  YEAH YOUR PICTURE PERFECT TREATMENT PLAN IS BULLSHIT. THERE  IS A HUGE DIFFERENCE THEN SOMEONE TAKING A PAIN PILL TO FEEL HIGH THEN THERE IS SOMEONE TAKING HOW MANY EVER IT TAKES TO NOT FEEL PAIN.

THIS IS JUST SO UNFAIR. THATS ALL MY LIFE IS NOW IS UNFAIR. MY JOB.. THE ONE PLACE   THAT I FELT LIKE I HAD FAMILY AND STABILITY AND SUPPORT HAS BEEN TAKEN AWAY FROM ME BECUASE OF THIS DISEASE.  MY ACTUAL  FAMILY IF YOU EVEN WANT TO CALL THEM THAT ANYMORE HAS BEEN RIPPED APART  FROM  BETRAYAL  LIES  SELFISHNESS  HATE  AND THE  ONE THING THAT  I HAVE BEEN TAUGHT AND DRILLED IN MY HEAD EVER SINCE I CAN REMEMBER FROM THEM  IS  US  FIVE  FAMILY MEMBERS  ARE ALL THAT WE WILL EVER HAVE IN LIFE ... YEAH  AND LOOK AT US NOW  COULDNT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT EACHOTHER  AND HAS NOT ONCE STOPPED AND THOUGHT HEY I WONDER HOW THOSE  OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS THAT I PROMISED TO ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ARE HANDLING THIS.  REAL NICE.

SO STRESS NOT SO GREAT . AND BECAUSE OF A BAD CHOICE ON MY PART BECAUSE OF A CHOICE TO PROTECT MYSELF FROM EVEN MORE PAIN AND SUFFERING I NOW HAVE TO LIVE IN MISERABLE PHYSICAL AND MENTAL PAIN BECUASE OF A REAL DISEASE. YEAH THAT SEEMS REALLY FAIR.

IM GONNA GO LOOK AT A PICTURE OF MYSELF FROM NINE YEARS AGO AND SEE IF THAT MAKES ME NOT WANT TO THINK ABOUT HOW MUCH BETTER DYING SOUNDS THEN LIVING LIKE THIS ANOTHER DAY. AND IF IM LUCKY ENOUGH TO DIE IN MY SLEEP I WOULD LIKE A COPY OF THIS BLOG POST DELIVERED TO ALL OF THE MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS OUT THERE THINK THAT ADDICTION IS A DISEASE THAT NEEDS MORE HELP THEN AN ACTUAL DISEASE. A DISEASE THAT IS NOT BROUGHT ON BY CHOICE , EVERY DOCTOR WHO THINKS THAT CUTTING SOMEONE OFF OF THE ONLY THING THAT HAS OFFERED THEIR PATIENT RELIEF FROM THIS DISEASE IS OKAY BECUASE THEY MADE A MISTAKE AND TO THE THERAPIST WHO I HAD TO GET OVER MY TRUST ISSUES AND TELL EVERYTHING TO WHO TOLD ME I HAVE ABBANDOMENT ISSUES THAT DECIDED DISCHARGING ME AS A PATIENT BECUASE OF A MISTAKE I MADE WAS REALLY GOING TO HELP.. YA YOUR A REAL CLASS ACT. AND TO EVERYONE ELSE WHO IS STUPID ENOUGH TO BELIEVE THAT YOU HAVE FRIENDS AND FAMILY THAT  WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR YOU NO MATTER WHAT ... ALL YOU HAVE IS YOURSELF IN THIS WORLD. AND EVEN WHEN YOU DO SOMETHING TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM PAIN AND SUFFERING THOSE  PEOPLE WHO YOU THOUGHT YOU CAN TRUST AND DEPEND ON WILL STILL FIND A WAY TO SCREW YOU OVER.

BUT JUST GO LOOK AT A HEALTHY PICTURE OF YOURSELF... YOUR PROBLEMS WILL JUST VANISH. AND IF THAT DOESNT WORK GO FIND A POST IT AND WRITE THIS TO SHALL PASS ON IT


OH THAT DIDNT WORK EITHER... WOW... SHOCKING.

JUST CONSIDER YOURSELF ALONE AND FUCKED THATS ALL THAT IS  A SURE THING IN MY WORLD