The Start Of Therapy

"Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn't you - all of the expectations, all of the beliefs - and becoming who you are."

-Rachel Naomi Remen

I went back and forth about whether or not to post about my therapy on this blog or start a new blog just for my therapy. But I have started a personal journal that I actually write in and the reasons that I am going to therapy are very personally, raw, and right now I am not ready to have the world wide web know everything that I am going for.

One of the reasons and this is a big fat reason I'm going is for my parents divorce. As my therapist said one crisis can bring up old ones that were never talked about and treated and healed. Without going into detail becuase right now Im not ready to share with anyone but I have been carrying around a burdon from a terrible thing that happened to me a few years ago that I hope I can get help with releasing the anger and sick feelings it brings to think about it.

So far, I have only had 2 sessions. 2 sessions and a lot of journal writting. First sessions was really rough luckily Meagen has been so awesome and supportive she came with me and becuase I was so scared and having anxiety and just un able to do it alone she came with me and honestly talked for me hahah she said more then I did which I appreciate so much she has been unbelievably great to me and I love her for coming and being there for me. 

We mostly talked about what I am here for and what I hope to get out of it. I was very emotional so it was really hard to get threw. It brought a lot of comfort to me to know that he knows and works with my doctor whom I trust and love so much.. that deffinitly helped calm some of my fears.

On our second session we talked mostly about my parents divorce. Again I am not going into detail on here about our session but when I left I felt a release of not guilt but ... I dont know how to explain it but I left feeling comforted and knowing that its okay to tell people how I am doing. He told me that its okay for me to be pissed off and upset. And its okay to tell people what happened. I need to protect myself and start working out these secrets and burdons and get better. Emotionally and mentally get myself together.

Right now I am a flat out freaking mess but I have hope that medicine and therapy can start to help me heal. I am doing the best I can with everything in my life right now. Unfortunitly my best isnt great but I am trying.

Thank you to all of those who know who you are for the love support and prayers. I hope that one day I can have my old self back and somehow show and tell you how much your love and support is appreciated. I love you all.

Also a big thanks to Ativan and Zoloft. Even though it just makes me numb to the world, right now I think numb is what I need.