Welcome to the Unknown

Does everyone have secrets? Maybe not even a secret but just things about them that no one knows about? And you don't tell because your afraid of what people may think? Or are there things that really are just better left unsaid? I don't know. Lately I have been thinking about things that most people probably don't know about me and maybe they do, I guess some things I just don't like to share becuase they make me sound like a terrible person, other things I am just embarrased and others I just don't like to talk about. I am trying to turn over a new leaf in life ( I know I sound like a broken record how many times have I said I am going to turn over a new leaf?) I have tried to turn over a new leaf many times and I just never do so now all I have is a big pile of un turned leafs.

I hate the feeling of not knowing who I am and what my point of life is here. I think that I should disclose some of these things that I don't like to discuss with others. Maybe letting go of these things that I may be ashamed of or things that I just don't like to talk about becuase I just don't like going back to that place. Maybe by doing this I can start looking forward on life and figuring out what my purpose here is rather then just being so focused on all the hidden things.

***Before I start I just want everyone to know that if you feel like what I say is a personal attack on you its not. I am not doing this to hurt feelings or anything like that I did not have an agenda to do so when I starting writting. This is not about my attacking you and if you feel like it is then stop reading. No one is making you read my blog. This is for me not you. Everyone needs an outlet and as of right now this is mine, so again this is for me not you. But I do apologize in advance if someone is hurt becuase of this I would never intentionally hurt anyones feelings.**

I hate that I no longer have people to talk to. I know that I have my family and they would do anything for me and are always there for me. They are amazing my sisters are my best friends and always have been and I love the fact that I have such different relationships with both of them. My parents would do anything for my sisters and I. Because we have never had any family outside the 5 of us we were always taught that eachother is all that we have and on so many occasions I have learned that to be true. Everyone has a family.. they have parents siblings pets whatever everyone has one. But one thing I have learned as an adult that everyone makes their own family. I don't mean when you get married and have kids and have your own family I mean the people you work with can be your family, your friends can be your family.  I use to have a great group of friends that love and adored me and I love and adored them. And the last 9 years of my life my friends have been people who also had health issues. In the beggining it was great to be around people who understood what I was going threw and that we could support eachother in ways that no one else could becuase no one else really understood how our bodies felt. They understood me and gave me support on those few occasions that I just wanted it over with I didn't want to fight it anymore where the thought of just dying would be so much better then fighting the sickness that no doctor could figure out what it was. But it got to the point where it became unhealthy for me to be around them. It was unhealthy to be around them becuase it got to the point where that was all we ever talked about all we ever did was lay around becuase we didnt feel well and talk about how we didn't feel well and I am not saying I didnt do it becuase I did but it just became unhealthy for me to be around other un healthy people. When it got to the point that everything was tit for tat I had distance myself from them. I could not handle the " My stomache hurts"..." Oh well I have already been throwing up all day." I had to get away.

It took me a long time to realize that I have a huge flaw when it comes to me being a friend to someone. Instead of just distancing myself and doing it the right way I just pushed everyone away. I got annoyed when I was around them I was rude I just did it all the wrong way. I know that there are a few people that would do anything for me and those are not those in my family but my flaws I now know are the  reason why all my friendships that I have left are at best acquaintances. But what else I have realized is that maybe people only need a few special people that have a spot in your heart and you have a spot in theirs. Its not about how many people you have its about knowing those people will take care of you and you will take care of them no matter how many flaws you may have. There at 4  people outside of my family who may live  far away from me who have taken different paths and journeys then me  in life who may not know it but they are very very special to me. These 4 people have helped me in ways that they may not even know it. Who look past my flaws and who help ME look past my flaws. These people mean a whole lot to me. Who inspire me, who I look up to who make me want to be a better person becuase they are so amazing and special. These 4 girls are just beautiful girls and I am so greatful to have them in my life even though 2 of them are so far away they are very close to my heart. Arn't these girls just beautiful?

When I mentioned about how Im going to talk about the places I don't like to go back to I am talking about when I was engaged. Although I thank God every single day that I was able to learn what I want and don't want in a marriage and a husband I hate going back to this place. But I feel that I need to find myself. Although at the time it was so hard for it to be over I am so glad that it is. At the time I never thought that I would be able to lift my head off of my dads lap and never be able to stop crying I just have to think about how hard it would have been if he had left me after we had gotten married. Looking back on that time of my life I wish I knew then what I know now. But I guess I never would have been able to learn this if he hadnt left and it ended. It is not often that I bring this certain even of my life up but when I do I never put the blame just on him. Yes he left. He packed his bags and left. He was the one who said " I'm done" But I did my part to make it all fall apart. And if I knew back then that I should have stuck up for myself when situations came up that HE should have stuck up for me maybe I wouldn't kick myself now thinking about all those situations that I should have stuck up for myself or I should have said that it was not okay for him to just sit back and allow terrible things to be said and done to me and think that it was okay for him to do and say things that should not have been said. But again I put just as much bull shit and drama in the realationship as he did.  I know that our relationship changed when he was diagnosed with cancer becuase he changed.... drasticly. . I am a huge believer that everything happends for a reason. I have said it time and time before that I know I was put into his life for a reason. To help him threw cancer. To help his family threw his cancer. I was the strong one becuase I am use to be around sickness and hospital and doctors. And it took me a long time to realize that I was never ment to marry him that was my purpose of being in his life was to help him threw cancer. The part of me that wants to believe that I am just a good person and I can put aside the bull shit that happend with us and put aside the anger towards him I want to be a good person and just realize that I did something good for him I was there at his bedside I left my family for months to be with him and help him and help his family. And if he couldnt realize how much I did for him then he is the bad person. But on the selfish side of me I hate him. I hate him for breaking me. I hate him for making me never want to get close to anyone and never let anyone in becuase of fear that this will happen again. I hate him for having a huge fear that my relationship to him is the closest that I will ever get to marriage and if thats it that just makes me sick.

There are things that I fear my future husband... again if I have one will not understand. I know that becoming an adult and having a marriage is about sacrafice I know that I know that all to well but after my engagement fell apart the best advice I recieved was to have 3 things in your life that you are not will to change or sacrafice for someone else. And if that person understands that then be with them and if they don't yu are better off. I feel like my family should be one of them. They are one of them in a way that my relationship with my family will never change, they mean the world to me. they mean more then the world to me they are my everything they are all that I have. . And if for some reason my family has a problem with someone who I someday may marry then I am going to have a problem. My familys opinion of my future husband or my boyfriends mean as much to me as if they were my own opinions. They would support me no matter who I choose to be with but their opinion makes a huge impact on me. Love is blind. Love can make you look past the flaws of someone or make someone that could be a huge mistake or a huge problem seem so small becuase the love is making the good weight out the bad. And even though it may hurt my family is going to be the one to see the flaws the bad and the mistake that could have be and they know and I know that even though it may be hard to hear that can tell me that and I will trust them and know that its for my own good and they will still be my family.

Right now I only have 2 things that I am not willing to give up or change. And my second thing is pregnancy. I am not saying that I don't want kids becuase I do want kids someday. I really do want to be a mother and to have kids of my own I really really do but I never ever and will not ever ever be pregnant. I will not go threw that. And this is something that I have said for as long as I can remember. I never want to be pregnant. No one can expect if their pregnancy is going to be easy or difficult but I do know my body and I just don't think that it could handle it. I could not handle it. For medical reasons I have asked for years for a hysterectomy. They have always said " You will regret it becuase you will want to have kids some day" No. I made the desision years ago that I never want to be pregnant. Just because I did not birth my future child does not mean that I can't be there mother. My sister has told me that if I wanted this option that she would be a suraget for me. ( How awesome is that?!)  My doctors have told me that once I get my kidney problems and everything taken care of we will look into a hysterectomy again. They told me to truly think about it... If they are willing to do it ( And they would do it for medical reasons not just becuase I dont want to be pregnant) I would say yes in a heart beat. I hope that my future husband will understand that I made the choice years ago even before my health got very bad that I just never want to go threw pregnancy.

              ( At this point of this post I just want to tell readers congrats for making it this far without clicking on the big red X or fallen asleep. Also, I want everyone to know that I understand that if you now think of me as the worlds biggest selfish bitch.. I get it and if you are thinking that its okay your not thinking anything bad of me that I don't already feel for myself so its okay.)

I know in life everyone has things that they are afraid of. May be little things may be huge things, I feel like my life is just filled with fear. My life long fear of being kidnapped has made my ocd out of control. My ocd of having to lock the doors at night check them so many times and I can't just look at them I have to litteraly fill the door knobs and the locks and turn them so hard to make sure that the door is shut all the way and its really locked so badly and so many times at night that I have blisters on my hands from it. And the ocd doesn't stop there. I have a constint fear of so many things and fear is not a good feeling. I have a fear that something is going to happen to my family. I have a fear of them dying or something terrible is goign to happen to them. If I go to bed or if I am going somewhere or if they are going somewhere the last thing I ALWAYS say to them is I love you. I never let them go anywhere or me go anywhere or go to bed at night without telilng them that. No matter what even if we have just gotten into a collasal fight I always say it. Sometimes more then once. Becuase if something happends to me or to them I want me last words to them is I love you. They need to know that I love them. I have this fear that the shit is gonna hit the fan one day and my world is going to be turned upside down. I just feel like everyday I have to walk on egg shells for my life.

I just wish I knew what my purpose in my life is here. When I was in junior high and I was healthy and active I really felt like I was going to do something spectacular in life. Something amazing. I knew my life would be one filled with excitment. I never was a good student in fact I was a terrible student but back then I felt like I had so many other things going for me I didnt' need to me a good student. Because who needs a good education to be a professional dancer. Back then I knew thats what I was going to do with life. In school I was named most likely to be a super star. My life is so far from that. I am not by any means saying my life is not worth living or I hate my life I am not saying that AT ALL. I just wish how I knew I got here. Well I know how I got here. I got sick. I got very sick and everything changed. 

I just need to know who I am. I need help finding myself and who I want to be and what I want to do with this life. Where I am now I have no dreams. Everyone has a dream. I need to find mine.

How long should someone try and find themselves before they give up and ask whatever god they believe in why he put you in this earth if you feel like you have done nothing and will be nothing?

Where do I start?

*** One more time I want to apologize if I came off as dramatic, throwing a pitty party for myself and how selfish I sound again this was about me I needed an outlet and this is where I ended up writting the unknown about me***