Ch-Ch-ch-changes

Caution: This post is long. This post is not funny. There is no quirky, witty, bitchy, sayings or jokes in this post. This is not a post for people to say " Poor Holli". This is purely a selfish post. A post for me to get this stuff out of my head for me to start a change. There is details into my life that people probably don't care about or probably shouldnt know. But I needed a place to let this out. I could write in my personal joulrnal but then my little fingers would be much to tired and dead. And nobody likes little dead fingers.

I have some things I need to change in life. I think if I do my attitude might change. I have a horrible attitude. Lets just face it. I am a bitch. I am not proud of that.. well some days I am. Some days I can think of some pretty clever bitchy things to say but for the most part... I am a bitch with a bad attitude, and I don't like it. And its wearing me out to be constinitaly in a bad mood.

I am not one of those girls who is a bitch just to be one. I have good reason to always be in a bad mood. Maybe somethings I am just bitter about and in my opinion I have the right to be bitter. But for the most part I just have a bad attitude and a rude personality. There is no excuse to be rude to people and treat others like I do some days. But sometimes I just can't help it. I have a condition called Perma bad mood.

There is so many things going in my life that are not good. That would make no one happy or in a good mood. I have had alot of people bring to my attention lately that I am not pleasent to be around. I am aware of that. I know I am not pleasent to be around when I don't feel well which is about 98 percent of the time. But apparently I am never pleasent to be around anymore at all. I think that if I start realsing some of this unpleasent crappy stuff out of my head it might help. I am not making any promises. Becuase sometimes I just like to be rude so people won't try and talk to me =) but I have been trying. I have been trying to have a better attitude at work. Even though I have to fake a smile and fake a good mood I am trying. Unfortunitaly I have a job that gives me a lot of down time. A lot of time to just sit... well stand.. and think..think about everything. Last Friday my parents went out on a date and we all know my issues about being alone. I don't like to be left alone, so Meagen hung out with me at the house. While she was making cookies we started talking about some of the crappy things that are going on in my life and it kind of helped to get it out. So here is to a new Holli. I am doing SELF HELP: THERAPY FOR DUMMIES.... and the uninsured so you can't afford to go see a real therapist. I am trying to be a happier nicer better attitude having person. Operation Bright and Shiney is back on. Heres the game plan. Plan A is to start with these things... If Plan A fails.. I will go to plan B... become a drunk. People are always happy when they are drunk. If plan B fails then I will go to plan C... and well plan C is I might just put out a warning for people to stay away from me. It would be best for all.

Befor I rant.. I know that this post is just a bunch of rambling that no one really cares about. But if you don't want to continue reading... as I have instructed readers befor.. click the little red X on the top right of your screen and peace out. If you don't want to continue reading just know that I am aware of the fact that some of this stuff is not things most people would want to publish about their life on a blog. Maybe a personal journal is where I should have written this but the people who know me and I care about already know this stuff and whats going on and thats all that matters.

Here we go. First of all. I have made the decision that I am going to try and file for bankruptcy. I know it really sucks to have to do. I am 21 years old and having to do that. I know I am aware. If I had become in debt from buying cars and toys this would not upset me. It would have been my own fault and I would know better then to complain. But I had no choice or control in this. I have no health insurance and I have had numerous hospital stays and surgeries in the past 2 years, and the bills have piled up into about 40 grand worth of debt. I can only pay so many with the little amount of money that I make. I need help. I need to start over becuase the more I put paying this stuff off the more trouble I get myself into. Its not that I am putting them off its that it is impossible for me to pay this off. I know that my credit will be shot and my name will not look good when it comes time to buying important things houses cars ect. But my credit is shot no matter what I do and will only look worse when I am 40 years old paying off bills from when I was 20. I am screwed if I do I am screwed if I don't. I need help and this is the only thing that I can do to get this taken care of. I can not think about this debt anymore becuase when I do it makes me physically ill. It is my only option left. This is no way to live, and I will never be able to if I don't do something now.

Lately I have been looking for a new job. I had a great job offered to me but as my luck had it I had to turn it down becuase of the situation above. I have had a few interviews but nothing really worked out. Everday I am looking I am really trying to put an effort into it. I am a very big believer in thinking that every happeneds for a reason, and that the right job just has not come along for me yet. The one that was offered to me was just not ment to be. I am fine with that. I know that looking for a new job is a very long and hard process. In the meantime, I am really trying harder to have a better attitude about where I am now. There is some very shady and just flat out wrong things that go on in the hotel but I am trying to be greatful for the things that I do have there. The hotel knows my situation. They know how bad my health is and they know that I get sick often.. and when I do it can take weeks for me to feel better. They are always so understanding and always willing to get my shifts covered and always have my job waiting for me when I get back. There has been times where I was not at work for 3 months becuase I was in the hospital, having surgeries, and just physically un able to work. Never did they once say anything about how inconvient it is to them when I get sick they are always very understanding, and willing to help me. It is nice to have job security expecially when I have a situation like mine. Also, I get to work with my mom. It is so fun to be able to hang out with my mom at work and even at the end of the day when we leave all we do is complain about everything there its nice to have something to bond over =). I get asked alot " How do you do it? How can you stand to work with your mom all day? I could never work with my mom all day!" But I love it. We have alot of fun working together and looking back at all of the craziness that goes on. And its nice to have someone there who I can make buy me lunch every day =). I use to never wake up in the morning and dread going to work. I always look forward to it. I loved working with all the people I get to meet. I don't have that feeling anymore. But I am trying to have a better attitude about it and when I am there. All last week I tried to have a good attitude and just not let the little crap that goes on bother me. I made an effort to be very helpful and friendly like I use to be, and to be honest I had a much better week. I had fun at work agian. I know that I will not be able to change the things that go on there or change the people that I work with who I dislike. But I know that work goes better when I am in a good mood and I have a good attitude so I am really trying to do that everyday. I just need to have better patience and try to enjoy the good things at the place I am at now while I look for a new job. I am really trying to have make an effort to have a better and happier attitude. Then maybe people won't be afraid of me. Its true.. they are. I would be afraid of me to somedays.

Agian this is not a post for people to say " poor holli" This is not a pitty party for me. Trust me. There is nothing I hate more then people who throw pitty parties. Nothing good comes from those. People just think your a whiner who want people to feel bad for you.. and.. there is no presents. I am just trying to make a change in life. I need to write this somewhere so that when I am having a bad day and I think to myself " I just want to be in a bad bitchy mood" I can go back and read this and remember the attitude that I have right now while writting this.

Lets continue.

I am sick of being sick. I NEVER feel good. Ever. It gets extremely old waking up every morning and never feeling good. I have been dealing with this since I first got sick in high school. I am sick of having to wake up in the morning and having to take a pain pill in order to get out of bed. It is the worst feeling ever. I hate not being able to move my muscles, and my stomach hurting, and having headaches, and no matter how many times I get put in the hospital or have surgeries it never goes away. And its never going to go away. I have a disease. Some days are better then others but agian for the most part I never feel good. Even on the good days there is something bothering me and causing me to say " I don't feel good." I know that there is people who are much worse then me. My dad for example. But still it sucks never feeling good, and knowing when you get a little cold like everyone else does for me its 20 times worse. It hard knowing that I will deal with this for the rest of my life. Having said that. There are things I can change to make me feel better. I can eat better I can start working out agian ( maybe that will make me not so much of a chunker) When I get sick I can work threw it instead of just giving up and laying in bed until it has ran its course. I am going to start looking into taking dance classes to get me up and around. It obviously won't be like it was when I was in school dancing 6 hours a day every day of the week but it will be something. I think that will help me not only physically but mentally. I really miss dancing. That is the hardest part of me being sick is that I had to give that up becuase my body couldn't do it anymore. I really want to get back into it even if its just one class a week or something like that, I want to do it.

Even just little things I want to change and get back in life. I went to church last Sunday for the first time in .. I can't even remember. Yes I did only go to sacrament meeting but come on.. we start with baby steps here =)... But I really enjoyed it. It made me feel really happy being there and to feel the spirit. All of the things I am writting about here and things that are to personal to write about I just felt comfort from them all while I was there. I know it might sound dumb but its true. I know that I can't always make it to church becuase I work at a place that never closes and I usually work on Sundays but I want to make an effort to go when I can. I have fallen so far away from the church I feel like my testimony of the church, my morals, and what I believe in has changed and that really does not make me feel good. I want to gain my testimony back and become more involved with church. But don't worry the second they offer me a calling I am out of there =)

I have realized lately that in life you can only count on yourself. Even if your married and you think you can depend on your husband or whoever you can only depend on yourself to get by in life. I am not saying that you can't count on people to help or support you but there are some things that just don't work that way. I thought that I had someone in my life who was going to become my husband and he was going to help me out with all my personal, financial, all of my problems. Look how that turned out for me. I gave everything I had and more to him and I got no support or help what so ever in return and I am as single as one can be. Things don't always turn out how we plan, and becuase of that you can only count on yourself to get by in life. And the life I am living now is no way to be a happy person.