Who I Am

I have tried to find myself and discover who I am and what I want. I think life and everything in it needs a theme. I tried to be a punk rock emo girl, and wore nothing but pink black and skulls for a while. Although enjoying wearing pink and drawing hearts with bones under them on everything I found that I am to soft to be a punk emo rock star. Id like to thank my good friend Niesha for going there with me.

Continuing on the search to find who I am I went Granola for a while. I didn't feel that the brown strappy sandals made from grocery bags and and my " Go Green" shirt went good together. And well lets face it.. I don't care about the earth THAT much.

If I could have my and not have to live a normal -go to work from 9 to 5 - do normal things adult every day life-... My life would be totally different. I know that deep down I am such a FLoWeR cHiLd....For reals. I would love to be a hippy. Being a free spirit and just show love to myself and everyone else around. I would love to just travel the world and promote peace and love. That's what its all about. Peace and love.

I want peace. Unfortunately I don't know how to be a peace maker. Hippies and are so amazing in the way that they are so passionate about everything they love... maybe because they are high.. but hey if thats what it takes to be one of them sign me up! =) Hehe I kid I kid. But seriously I am definitely a flower child. I would love to wear nothing every day but a bikini top, a head band, and a flower behind my ear. I want to have nothing to worry about but world peace. I want that. Peace and love is what I wish for, and one day hope to have.But... sadly...I am not a hippie.. Yet. For now, I have to live a normal life with a job, and things to worry about. When did I become an adult.. and how do I make it stop?

I don't know who I really am or what I want out of life but I feel that if I keep trying to change who I am to find who I am I will never find someone real, and that is something I know I want. I love to feel loved and I love to love. My family will be the first to tell you that I do not go a day without telling them I love them. Although people who really know me would beg to differ because they know that I do have a fighting side to me..but I am a lover not a fighter. I don't think there is a better feeling then being in love. Love is the answer, and if you have love then you have everything. The times where I thought I was in love I now realize that I was not in love. But I did learn what love is about, and what it consists of. Maybe I have not learned what true love is yet but I have learned what true love is not. Love should not be difficult, hard, or make you think if its really there or not. Situations can be hard and difficult but if you have love then those things only make you both stronger together.

I know a few things about myself that are definite. I know that I am an emotional person. I know that I worry about everything and everyone. I don't have much self control or will power. I like to write and if you were to look in my journal you would see that's true. Its not writing about how my day went or " dear diary" moments. Its just random rambling about life in general. Not always my life.. just life. I am not willing to settle for someone agian. I wish I could take that part of my life away and pretend it never happened but I can't. The only good thing I got out of it was that I realized what I don't want in a husband. It was all just a lesson learned.

I can't get out there and enjoy being a 21 year old. Around here if your21 and not married there is something wrong with you. And becuase that is how it is around here and becuase of my luck all my friends are married. Friends being married equals.. go find new friends Holli. I can't find friends becuase I have trust issues. There is only 4 people in this world that I can fully trust. My family and my doctor. Anyone else who I have ever loved or became really close to have left me. Everyone always leaves me. I can't learn to get close to someone becuase I can't say goodbye to another person when they leave. And they will. They always leave.

I need to figure out what it is that I want out of life. I can't though until I figure out who exactly I am. You hear about these people who have amazing life experienes, and how they learned so much about themselves and who they are. Well when is my experience. I feel like I am going no where. I have no faith in myself or others anymore.

Faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. Its like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And its not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.

(G.A.)

Feel free to leave me a comment telling me that I need to go to therapy becuase I am well aware.