Surviving

It has been a pretty tough week. Sometimes it is really hard to stay positive while going threw something like I am going threw. Last week I got some pretty disapointing blood test results. Last year I was hospitalized for having very elivated liver enzymes. And on Friday I got my results back and it showed that my liver levels were at about the same spot that they were last year. I was really upset and I just tried to fight back tears and I was doing okay until the nurse that was standing next to me performing this procedure on me set the tools that she was using down and said " Ya know, I think we just need to stop here for a second a take a deep breath and try some hug therapy." I just started crying and even though she and the doctor are basically strangers to me it felt so good just to have them understand and tell me that its okay to cry and be upset. I have been working so hard and doing everything I can and doing all that is asked of me to change my health and to get a test result that tells you what you are doing is not enough is so hard to hear. And to be honest it is really scary to know that my liver is just as bad as it was when I was hospitalized becuase of it. They don't know what it is thats causing this they have done every test they can think of every blood test everything and they don't know why. I saw my doctor today and found out that I have tonsilitis which in itself is a step back and it a huge problem of its own. I am suppose to have my tonsils out but I keep having set backs... anyway.. I found out that the next step is to do a liver biopsy to help figure out why my liver enzymyes are so high. I know I have my family and close friends but even people who I thought would understand and support me I kind of feel like they don't really think what I am doing is that big of a deal and dont really care and that is really hard. So it was really nice to just have a hug from the nurse and the doctor tell me they are on my side and will do everything they can for me. It made me start to think about what it would be like to not be sick. How different my life would be, what I would be doing, the people who would be in my life and what its like just to feel normal.

I started making a list of all the things that sickness has brought upon me and taken away from me. But then I started to think that it wont do any good or change anything to dwell upon it. This is my life. Sickness has made me who I am. It has made me stronger then I think I ever would have been had I not gotten sick. There are a lot of people in my life that I never would have met had I not gotten sick. I truly believe that I was given sickness to live with to help others threw their sickness. I have the ability to connect with people and I have been taught by being sick that everyone has a story. You should never judge someone on the look they have on their face or the attitude that they may have becuase everyone has a story. You don't know why they are the way they are. You don't know what they have gone threw in their life or just in that day. I know that when I am having a bad day and feel really horrible I can come off as the biggest bitch in the world and you don't want to cross me but thats not who I am. People who truly know me know thats not who I am.. at all..My sickness and trials has had a lot to do with who I am today but sickness is not everything I am. I have a lot of other things about me that have nothing to do with sickness. Something I need to work on though is showing other things about me that dont have to do with my health. I know lately all I have been able to show and talk about is my health and I need to work on that. Thats not all there is to me, but like I said I am greatful for some of the things that sickness has given me. I don't want to be a sad sick person my whole life. I want to get better and let other people get to know what else there is to me and show them that there is more to me. I need to try and stay more postive and remind myself at times that there is hope and that there will be a day when I can start letting people in without feeling like I will just be a burden to them. Becuase right now I feel like thats all I am. I was watching the movie Georgia Rule the other night and I heard a quote that said " We can all survive, we just don't have to be so damn sad doing it." I think that is so true and something that I need to remember..

Reading over this post I feel sorry for everyone else who reads it.. its so random and all over the place and probably has no point what so ever but thats okay... I am writting how I am feeling and thats all that matters. Thanks for reading.