Sorry.. I'm Closed.

I believe John Lennon said it best " All You Need Is Love." I believe that to be very true. True LOVE love. His and hers towels love. Let you eat the last bite of cheesecake love. Hold a radio over my head outside your window love. Let you pick what we do tonight becuase I don't care I just want to be with you love. Some friendships are love. Always being there for you. Doing nothing but sit and talk and having the best time of your life love. Euphoric feelings becuase you are so happy being surrounded by friends who love you. I believe Both of those loves are all you need. But what happends when you believe that but can't accept it anymore? Why don't I date? Becuase I don't want to fall in love. Why don't I want to fall in love? Becuase I don't want to get hurt. Why don't I go and hang out with friends when they ask? Becuase I don't want to become close, and then they leave me. I have trust issues. Its all a lose lose for me. Friends ask me to hang out and all the time and I always come up with some excuse why I can't. I don't know why. I want to go out and have fun but I can't trust people. And I am sick of loosing people. I can't get close to anyone. But after I say no I feel bad becuase I let my friends down, and I am sad because I am sitting at home depressed. I don't get asked out often.. or ever.. ha but when I do I immediatly come up with a reason why I can't. " I'm seeing someone".. I give them my number but I never answer when they call. I so badly wan't that LOVE LOVE. For the last 3 months I have stayed away from the people who have hurt me.. I didn't not give in and agree to see them like I usually do. I have let my heart and emotions take a break and took care of myself. Im done with that. I am finally in a stage where I am happy with my job. I have taken care of myself very well and I have a lot more good days then I do bad. I am as healthy as I can be under the circumstances. I am rarely in a bad mood anymore. I am not a bitch to everyone everyday. ( most of the time) I spend a lot of time with my family and I love it. I love my family so much. But why can't I love anyone else and let anyone else love me? I am ready to have love and to have friends agian. I want it so badly I want to be a happy 21 year old like everyone else my age. Out dating.. out with friends.. having a relationship.. even being married. I am not saying I want to be married anytime soon becuase believe me I am not ready to go down that road agian.. thats a whole other issue. But I want love.. love with a relationship and good friends. I just can't have my heart broken agian. I don't want that agian. I can't have that agian. I don't want to feel that pain of being alone and being hurt. And I don't want my friends and people who I become close to and can count on to leave me. People are always leaving me. Saying goodbye to me. Why can't I get over my trust issues and just let love in? What is wrong with me? I use to be such an open person.. share anything with anyone.. but I can't let people in anymore. I can't let love in. I have been broken, beaten down, and had my heart and feelings hurt to many times. I am damaged goods. I have issues... and seriously need a therapist.