I am Human.. almost.

This past week I have almost felt human again. First of all I have started working on call at the hotel which I love... it gets me out of the house, its money coming in, and I never thought I would say this but I actually miss the hotel and the guests so much I just love being there.

Yup thats me working back in my work uniform.. and wanna know the best part? Is that when I left the hotel in July I was ( I am to embarassed to say the actuall number I weighed) So when I left I was... heavy. And now since I have lost about 37 pounds my uniform is SO big on me! That is so exciting to me knowing that I have lost so much weight! Even though it wasnt really a healthy way of losing the weight but whatever I don't care I like it! 

The other day I was able to go and get my hair cut and colored. Which I sooo badly needed. I had not had either done since May! My hair got so long and dead that it would hurt having to brush out all the knots and it would take forever to blow dry. So anyway I went and got it done. The girl who did it didn't cut it as short as I would have liked it but oh well atleast its cut and looks healthy again. And since I died my hair that dark brown it was at this ugly poo brown color and I really want to go back to blonde so I put blonde highlights in it. She said I just need to keep doing that and eventually it will bleach out the brown. So hopefully by Summer time I will have my blonde back like normal but for now I am okay with the brown with blonde highlights.

( I know my photo taking skills are pretty ligit... and also I am not sure why my fingers look like vienna sausages... I swear my fingers are not that huge and pig like. Sick.. )

Meagen and I have been tanning twice this week and let me tell you how GREAT it felt! I think everyone in our family has seasonal depression and I think Meagen has it the worst of all of us so I know that it helps her out alot.. and to my suprise it really help me feel pretty relaxed and being in the warm tanning bed even for just 9 minutes it really felt good on my muscles it was great! Plus I have a little color now so I don't look like death anymore! Win Win!

I got into work this morning to my suprise there was a pay check for me! For last Sunday I guess the pay period was not over so I got a check for the one day! I was so excited!! I have not had a check or money anything in so long that belongs to me!!

I was so excited I know 67.00 dollars is not much but it just felt good to have money of mine that I worked for again and not just been given to me. I have not worked since July so its a really good feeling. It makes me feel like a normal functioning person of society again.

Also a great feeling... I had to go and get my court ordered substance abuse evaluation a few weeks ago and I got the results of it on Thursday.. Take a look...

" Holli does not meet the criteria for substance abuse treatment."

"No recommendation for treatment is being made."

So for everyone who thought my mental breakdown had anything to do with an addiction problem it wasnt. And after having doctors and therapist saying that it wasn't as well I now have proof from a professional drug councler saying that I am not an adict. So thanks everyone for sharing your opnions even though I did not ask for it you can now go and shove it! Thanks!

Last night was New Years Eve and I had so much fun hanging out with Meagen. We had a Harry Potter and Zelda Marathon! It was really fun! I think we still have 2 Harry Potters left and then we are gonna go and see the new one! Meagen has already seen it but I havent so I am excited.

I don't really believe in New Years Resolutions so what I have decided to do is put the year 2010 in a big box... put it away to a place that I will never find it again and FORGET everything about it! 2010 has been by far the WORST year of my life and I never want to have to think about it ever again.

But I woke up this morning with dog shit all over my room so Im hoping that is not a sign that 2011 will be just as shitty as 2010. No pun intended.

I just almost feel human again getting out of the house to get my hair done and go tanning like I use to before my life fell apart. Just getting out of the house and being able to work is just an amazing feeling for me I almost feel like a normal person! I am really trying me best to get up and around no matter how badly I hurt and feel but I am on my own with my health issues so I have to find a plan that works for me. So far, No plan. But hopefully the year 2011 may bring a good doctor for me, a good treatment plan for me, and something that really works so that I don't have another mental breakdown like the mental breakdown of 2010. Heres to the New Year.