My brain is depressed

 I have started a post everyday this week while at work, and I never know how to get it started. There is a lot I want to write about but I never know how to actually put it all together. I think I will just do a list of things that are on my mind.

• I feel very homesick. I feel at home where I am its just I miss my comfort zone. I am not familiar with California and its hard to work in a place where people expect you to be because they are not. I don't know where anything is and its very frustrating. Since I don't have my car out here I feel like a 14 year old having to have my mom drive me everywhere. I hate it. I know that if I were the one driving I would be able to learn my away around more but if I'm not driving I'm not paying attention. ( I know I can change that, and I'm working on it.) I don't know anyone which is also very hard. I have no friends here and I feel like the few people that I do know ( The people that I work with) are just co-workers and I don't really know them and to be honest they have no clue as of to who I really am. I miss my dad and Meagen, and even though I wouldnt go out with my friends that often it was still nice to know that there were people that really know who I am and I really know who they are. That I can trust and actually call friends.  I get to see Madi which is nice but she lives like an hour away so its not very often but when I do get to see her it always cheers me up. I am just very lonely and having a hard time. I just wish I had a comfort zone here. I miss that.
• I am very tired of my job. I am doing the exact same thing I have been doing for the past 8 years. Everyday is the same. Nothing changes. Same people, same paperwork, same system. I know the system like the back of my hand I know exactly what I am doing but yet somedays I stare at the screen and litteraly have no idea what to do next. I leave everyday feeling like I have made mistakes when I know I havent. I know that I do a job that a monkey could do maybe this is my brains way of telling me that its sick of doing the same thing. I am to much of a chicken shit to just go out and look for something new. And by something new I mean something that is not a hotel and has nothing to do with Hilton. Everytime I think about starting to look for something else I remember that starting November 1st I have health insurance again. I just don't know which is more important health insurance or happiness. Probably with my shitty health its health insurance.
• I had 10 thousand dollars 4 months ago... where the hell did it go?
• I started weight watchers and in the first week I lost 5 pounds! Woo!! I weigh in again tomorrow I am hoping that I have lost some more! I really like the program and I am enjoying doing it. I like that I can still eat whatever I want I just can't go over my points for the day!
• I feel like a failure. I feel like I failed in Utah so I thought moving to California would be a nice way to start over and try again somewhere new. I feel like someone has pushed the pause button on my life. I was really hoping that by now I would feel like I have started my life over in california but I am in the exact same position I was in when I got here. Its really frustrating to feel like such a failure.
• I think I am going to go back to therapy. I feel like I have started to forget things that I have learned and I have started getting into old routines that I worked hard on to change.

I am kind of sick of making this list now so I am going to be done. . . What a depressing life.

Tattoo Help

Okay.. I need some help. I am planning on getting a tattoo with the money that I won at the casino. Everyone knows how much I LOVE Marilyn Monroe so I am going to be getting a quote by her as this tattoo. I have some many favorites that I need some help choosing which one to actually get. I have decided I want the tattoo on my foot, but there is a longer quote that I really like and if I were to get that one I don't think it would fit on my foot so I thought maybe the back of my shoulder? Anyway I think I have it narrowed down to a few that I really like but I need to choose one. I am going to number them and put them into a poll so you can all vote. You can also just leave me a comment on this post or leave a comment on the link to this post that will be on my facebook page. However you want to do it please let me know which one you like the best. Becuase I won the money on a pink diamond slot machine I am going to dot the "I" in Marilyns name with a diamond to always remember winning the money. =) Here are the choices:

NUMBER ONE: " A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left" - Marilyn Monroe

NUMBER TWO: " Beneath the make up and behind the smile I am just a girl who wishes for the world"- Marilyn Monroe

NUMBER THREE: " We are all of us stars, and we deserve to twinkle" - Marilyn Monroe

NUMBER FOUR: " I am good but not an angel, I do sin but I am not the devil, I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love" - Marilyn Monroe

NUMBER FIVE: " I believe that everything happens for a reason, people change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so that you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together" - Marilyn Monroe

If any of you know of other Marilyn quotes that you think I may like let me know! Thanks everyone for your help!

I'm Sensative

I've been told that this song describes me perfectly..What do you think?

I'm Sensative

Jewel:

I was thinking that I might fly today

Just to disprove all the things that you say

It doesn't take a talent to be mean

Your words can crush things that are unseen

CHROUS: So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive

And I'd like to stay that way

You always tell me that it's impossible

To be respected, and be a girl

Why's it gotta be so complicated

Why you gotta tell me if I'm hated

CHROUS: So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive

And I'd like to stay that way

I was thinking, that it might do some good

If we robbed the cynics and took all their food

That way what they believe will have taken place

And we can give it people who have some faith

CHROUS: So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive

And I'd like to stay that way

I have this theory, that if we're told we're bad

Then that's the only idea we'll ever have

But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty

Someday we will become what we see

'Cause anyone can start a conflict

it's harder yet to disregard it

I'd rather see the world from another angle

We are everyday angels

Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way

New Hotel Blog!

Ready for some totally AMAZEBALLZ news? Here it is....

I have created a new blog!

http://hollishotelhorrorstories.blogspot.com/

I decided that with all my years of working in a hotel its time to share some of the crazy and insane stories that I have experienced with guests, co-workers, and also employees of hotels that I have been the guest at. I am really excited about this! I hope that everyone has fun reading all my crazy stories that I am going to share! Be excited! Be Be Be Excited! ( Yes I did just cheer...what of it?)

Pink Diamond Slots!

I went to the Thunder Valley Casino a few weeks ago, and I won BIG TIME!!
Let me set the scene for you. This was the second time I had gone to the this Casino. The first time I went I won $161.00 dollars on a penny machine! Wahoo! This time I went I set a limit for myself so that I would not spend all my moneies. I brought $100.00 dollars in and said to myself I would not spend more then $60.00 dollars.


I went to the Wheel of Fortune machine first becuase my mom always wins on it so I thought I would try it out. I put in $20.00 and lost it all. So then I moved to another machine and lost another $20.00. Didnt even break even nothing I just lost it all. So I decided that I was just not having good luck so I thought I'd just be done for the night.


As we walked around I saw a pink diamond slot machine... I thought to myself... I HAVE TO PLAY THE PINK DIAMOND MACHINE! I mean come.. its PINK! So I pulled out my $20.00 and said to my mom and Joe ( With a frowny face) " Ok if I lose all of this can you please give me milk money for the rest of the week?"

I put the money in and pulled once and I got nothing. I pulled again and I won $40.00 and I said that I was just going to cash out with that. My mom had told me not to that she had a "feeling" that I shouldnt.... Uhh ok mom. She pointed to the top of the machine and explained to me what it was that I needed to win the jackpot. I pulled again...

1 pink diamond...

another pink diamond...

and a THIRD PINK DIAMOND!!!!

I won the Jackpot!!!!

$9,595.31!!!


Yes that is nine thousand five hundred ninety five dollars and thirty one cents!!
I was in shock for like 10 minutes afterwards. People kept crowding around me congratulating me I just stood there like " what..?? what is going on?? Did I just win?"
When the people came over the asked if I wanted the taxes taken out right then or later, I was greedy and wanted ALL of it right then! So they walk out with a huge stack of 100 dollar bills. WHUUA??? I asked them" You really are going to give this to me in cash?" They said yup and made me put my hand out and I watched them count and put $9,595.31 right into my hand! Becuase they gave it to me in cash I obviously didnt want to walk around all night with all that cash expecially becuase of how many people sat there and watched me as I was being handed all that money. So we had to have a security guard walk us out to our car after only being there about 15 minutes!

This money is just craziness! Its like a month later and I still cant believe that I won! ( I know I am seriously slacking on my blogging)
Now that its a month later I realized how quickly that money has gone. Jeesh! I have spent a little here and there and a lot here and there. I plan to get another tattoo and I have bought myself a lot of new clothes and a new laptop and helped out family members... and some very lucky homeless people. But I still have a lot left that I plan to do things that I have been trying to do for years that I just havent had the money to be able to but now I do!! Yay!!!

That was the best night ever! And the best part about it is that I was wearing a shirt with Marilyn Monroe on it that says " Diamonds are a girls best friend"... Pink Diamonds were deffinitly my friend that night!

A family thats FORD tough

My heart goes out to the Ford family during this difficult time for them. I could go on and on about him and how truly amazing he was. He was there for me during difficult times in my life and was always able to make me smile when I thought it was impossible. I will always cherish the friendship I had with him and the times that we spent together. I will never forget the mornings he would cut school and come to my house to watch music videos with me because I was home sick and lonely. He would always be there to keep me company, watch movies with me or just talk whenever I needed a friend. He would always protect me and was always by his friend's sides no matter what. I know there were days I would not have been able to make it threw without him and his kindness and ways to make even the darkest days seem bright . Scotty will always have a place in my heart that will never be forgotten and I will always cherish his friendship and everything he had done for me. I feel honored and greatfull to have known him and had him in my life. Rest In Peace Scotty. We all love and miss you.

Scotty's Obituarie

http://m.heraldextra.com/lifestyles/announcements/obituaries/article_f9d0a603-2504-585e-8288-78eeade39738.html



Scott G. Ford
1988 ~ 2011
Scott G Ford, age 23, passed away on July 22, 2011, returning home to his Heavenly Father.
He was born on July 7, 1988 in Provo, Utah to Derin and Lisa Ford. He was a sweet and happy little boy. He attended Orem Elementary, Lakeridge Junior High and Mountain View High School. He had a passion for sports. He loved baseball, wrestling, football, wakeboarding and snowboarding. He also loved to dance. Scotty was extremely dedicated to keeping fit and motivating others to do the same. He pushed himself to excel in all that he did. He loved a new challenge.
Scotty loved life. He had so much compassion for those who were hurting. He had the most sensitive and tender heart, and with that, a quiet inner strength. He had so much insight regarding the things most important in life. He had an unmistakable and infectious laugh. Scotty was a loyal and true friend to everyone who knew him. His brothers Curt and Mitch, however, were unquestionably his closest allies and friends. They had a bond unlike any other.
He is survived by his parents, Lisa and Derin Ford, brother Mitch and his wife Christine and their children Hudson and Demi; brother Curt and his wife Cassie and their children Hallie, Mayzie, and Dirk; grandparents John and Joan Ford and Glenn and Colleen Mott. He is also survived by numerous aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. He was loved and adored by them all. He was preceded in death by his close cousin Ryan Ford.
Viewing will be Friday, July 29th from 6-8pm at Sundberg Olpin Mortuary located at 495 South State Street in Orem. There will be another viewing prior to the funeral, Saturday, July 30th from 10:30 to 11:45 am at the Canyon View Stake Center, located at 575 E. 800 N. in Orem. The funeral service will begin at noon. Interment will be at the Orem City Cemetery. Condolences may be sent to the family at www.sundbergolpinmortuary.com
The Ford family would like to express their deepest, heartfelt gratitude for the outpouring of love and support they have received from their family and friends. We have felt your love for Scotty.
Scotty, we feel you with us and we'll see you soon. Save us a spot on the roster.


I love that personal note: "Save us a spot on the roster"...amazing. Here is an article written by Neil Warner. I know him and his family and I am touched by what he had wrote about Scotty and his family.

A FAMILY THATS FORD TOUGH

http://www.heraldextra.com/sports/blogs/neil-warner/article_cf8d1b1c-b8d5-11e0-985e-001cc4c002e0.html

I was at a concert when my phone buzzed and a text came in. 'Did you hear about Scott Ford?'
When you get a text like that it's usually bad news.
I hoped it was referring to the success of Scott Ford's summer sales or that he was going to join his older brothers Mitch and Curt for a baseball tournament.
Nope.
He was on life support.
Turns out Scotty was already gone.
The life of a 23-year-old had been robbed. Stolen before its time.
The news was received like i was running down the field on a kickoff return and was blindsided.
There was not enough air to breath. The shock of this tragedy has not faded since the news broke last week.
Death can be like lightning strikes. They are all around you- always hitting objects that are out of sight.
That is until the lighting scores a direct hit.
Derin and Lisa Ford are one of the class families in Utah. I have covered all three of their sons when they played (football and baseball) at Mountain View High School, and I have played in many baseball tournaments with Derin.
They are a close family, who have been tied together by baseball over the years. I love them and I know so many people in this community feel the same way I do.
What makes this so difficult to accept was the way it happened. Scotty was killed (run over) by a vehicle after an altercation while working in Mississippi. Now there will be legal action and court dates to follow. At some point the family must deal with the tug of war they will have with vengeance and forgiveness. Pain will continue as the judgement comes down on the person who took Scotty's life. The Ford family, who have been built Ford tough, will be tested.
Those who know the family are now only left with memories. I remember watching Scotty as a little second baseman on the Orem Thunder Super League team when he was in junior high. He played with my son and we spent many summer weekends watching them play in baseball tournaments out of state. Those memories are so easy to recall.
We can't do anything about what happened, but what we can do is show the Ford family that we care. Love does not have to be silent, It can be and should be communicated.
There is a viewing on Friday and the funeral will be on Saturday at Noon in Orem.
So many people have told me 'I don't know what to say.' I'm a writer and I can't think of the right words to say either. Perhaps what matters most now is that we support the family and let them know that life does not end here and neither does the love we have for each other.

Scotty Ford

 Rest in Peace my friend. You will be missed and never forgotten.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure...

After 900 stops (okay more like 2 but it felt like 900.) I finally made it to California for the summer. It was a hard decision for me to choose to come here but as I was sitting on the plane I realized that it was the right decision.


It was a hard decision for me for a lot of reasons. I didnt know what would be easier for everyone involed. Would it be easier for Meagen and my dad if I was not there. One less mouth to feed, Wouldnt have to worry about Meagen and I having to share a car, things like that. But it was so so hard to leave Meagen and my dad. Since its just been the 3 of us for a year now I feel like we have developed a new bond with eachother after being threw what we have been threw together. I felt like I needed to stay and help Meagen with everything going on there and start working again to be able to pay rent and bills. I felt like I was just leaving them and thinking about if I am causing more problems by not being there to help with things. It was hard for me to think about how things would be in California as well. Even though I was told I was welcome to stay and get a job but there is always this feeling of me overstaying my welcome, and being an inconvience.  It was like either place I would be at I felt like I may be an inconvience. Because that is just the way I think....Apparently therapy did not heal me of everything.


I know this may sound weird but as I was sitting on the plane something that was said hit me and made me realize I was making the right choice. Because my plane had to stop in Vegas, Burbank, and then my final stop Sacramento I took off 3 different times. And each time new people came on so the flight attendants made their speech about the exits and what to do in an emergency water landing and blah blah blah. During their speech they explained that in the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure that oxygen masks will fall from above you and that you should always put yours on first before helping others. And after the third time of hearing that it finally became clear to me. Take care of yourself before helping others.
For the past year I have been so worried about others and helping take care of others that I have been un happy. People would tell me " Take care of yourself" " Do whatever makes you happy" but there has just been so many other important things to think about and take care of that doing what I want or what I think would make me happy just didnt ever cross my mind and when I did I thought it was selfish of me. Theres has always been an open offer to come and stay with my mom. And after I got really sick when I was here in April, and then I went home I just decided that this Summer I would take her up on that offer and spend the Summer out in California.


When I decided to come stay for the summer I had 2 goals in mind. Number one was to find a job. I have completed that goal. I turned in applications for the Hampton Inn which I would prefered to work at obviously since I know the system like the back of my hand. I was offered a job at the Orchid Suites and I took it. It was good for me to step out of my comfort zone and learn something new. I am still learning and probably screwing alot of things up but I like it. Its good to be working again and feeling somewhat like a human being again. I miss working at a hotel and getting to know guests and everything I just hate not knowing what Im doing. I am use to being the one that everyone came to to fix the problem or help them with something that they couldnt do or didnt know. Its very hard for me to not know what I am doing and feeling uncomfortable. Its difficult to focus on the guests and customer service when your so concentrated on not screwing things up on the computer. Hopefully things will get easier and I will get more comfortable as time goes by.


Goal Number 2: FINALLY lose all of this discusting weight that I have gained. Alot of it has to do with 2 of my medications. The depo shots and lyrica. Number one side effect is weight gain. Alot of people refuse to even take them because of how much weight you gain while you are on them. Its terrible. Unfortunitaly I dont have the choice of not taking them. I have to take them. I wish I could blame it all on the medication but I can't. Most of it is becuase I have just gotten lazy and stopped caring and now I just want to scream. I am so dissapointed in myself.. Everytime I look in the mirror I just feel ashamed. Discusted. So much hate. I have to get rid of this weight, I want to go back to looking thin and being able to wear all my clothes that no longer fit. Be able to look in the mirror and like what I see. I know its going to take a lot of work I would like to lose at least 30 pounds. I have been asking for suggestions on what some good diets are or work out routines people do to lose weight. Some of the suggestions I have been given are : Meth, Cocaine, get rid of one of my legs, eat only a half of a tortilla chip a day, and just get good nutrition. I dont really want to cut of one of my legs so i think ill pass on that one. Unfortunitly I dont have the will power to only eat a half of a chip a day. ( maybe thats part of how I got into this discusting over weight body.) I could go the drug route but lets face it I dont really need " are you really an addict" conversation with people again. Because I wouldnt be so polite in holding in my fuck you's to people. I have started my Wii Fit account again and according to it I am obesse. WTF? So I am working out on it for a half hour every day. And also trying to cut my portions in half. If that doesnt work Ill go to not eating for days and when I feel like I am about to faint Ill eat a cube of cheese. With that and one stomach flu away ill reach my goal weight.


Hopefully by the end of Summer Ill be back to my normal weight and Ill have saved some money to get back to a normal life again.


But what if this is as good as it gets?

Here To Make An Apperance

Well here go.



I havent  blogged in so long because I don't have a computer at home to blog from. I know how sad is that? I know you all miss my blog dearly so to all my readers my birthday is May 26th so if you miss it buy me a laptop then you will get lots of hollipocket blog posts! Yay!


I have some things I would like to post about becuase it is so exciting and so thoughtful that It is totally blog worthy. Other things I have debated on blogging about it becuase well its depressing and then I thought when I have ever had anything against being depressive and negative on my blog... well hmm. never so what the hell?


So here we go. The Good, The Bad, and the everything else

THE GOOD 

I started with the good becuase your always suppose to start with the good right? First of all I owe a big shout out to my sister and BFF Meagen who has recently started working at great new job and Center for Change. I just knew that she would find a great job and at a place she will love. After being there a week she has already received a promotion and I am so proud of her. I admire her and her strength and work ethic and the ability to be able to start a new job with a great attitude and hopes for the future. I for one am terrified to start a new job and Meagen has deffinitly been someone I look up to when it comes to never loosing hope that something will come along and everything will be okay. I am so happy for her and I am familar with Center for Change becuase I worked with them as a corporate client at the hotel and I know its going to be a wonderful place for her to be and I hope she loves it and goes far there! Go Meagen Go!

I have been in California since the first week of April and while I have been here I have recieved some AUSSIE love! I have recieved a wonderful birthday package from my beautiful friend AMY ( Thanks Amy!) filled with aussie love! She sent the most ADORABLE shirts ever and soome yummy snacks! She always sends me something on my birthday and it always makes my entire day and I am so greatful to have such an amazing friends like her and even though we have never met she is so special to me! One day I will go to Australia and meet my beautiful Aussie Friend! ( and hear her cute accent! hehe)

Another AMAZING Aussie birthday gift I recieved is so special to me and makes me relized how loved I am and again how blessed I am to have amazing people in my life. My Aussie Mom and Dad Lynn and Neil have given me two such special birthday gifts to me that I will always cherish. On my 21st birthday they gave me this BEAUTIFUL pink stone that I had set in a ring and it is so precious to me. And about 2 months ago I posted on facebook about this beautiful Marilyn Monroe blanket that I found and fell in love with but I did not have the money to buy. ( I think everyone knows how much I LOVE Marilyn Monroe) Well, Neil just happened to be in the states last month (I am so sad that I was not in Utah at the time so I missed being able to see and get together with him) While he was in Utah he went and FOUND the Marilyn blanket and bought it for me and delivered it to my house. How amazing is that?!? They are so amazing to me and make me feel so loved and always call me their American Daughter and I love that! They will never know how much that gift means to me and again I will always cherish. They said they didn't know if it was the same one that I wanted and I coulld exchange it if I wanted to but I will keep the one they picked out for me. I love it so much and will always think of them when I use it. Which will be alot!  Thank you Aussie mom and dad and Thank you sweet Aussie Amy!  You guys are so special to me and I hope you know that and how much I love all of you.

 

Also My sister Madi got me a KICK ASS gift as well! She got me a bottle of Marilyn Monroe Wine called Marilyn Merlot! How awesome is that! Uhmazing!!

THE BAD



Well... Ill be honest I have been working on this post for a month now. I will just say this, My california visit did not turn out the way we wanted it to. I got sick about five days before I left with the worst stomach flu virus thing in the entire world! MISERABLE! I would tell you what came next but to be honest... I litteraly don't remember. I dont remember like the first week and a half I was here and there is still alot of missing days and pieces of days that I just do not remember I have been so sick and the medication I have been taking its just been sucky. I wont go into detail about it all mainly I will just give a shorter version of it all. Here we go.. ( and remember this has all happpened in just one month.)  Thought I had the measles, went to an insta care they said go straight to the hospital. Went to the hospital no measles was treated for this horrible cough I had. Then came the most awful neck pain I have ever experienced had a bad fever constintaly had the cold sweats just feeling miserable. So went to another insta care immediatly sent me to the hospital to be tested for menigitis. Waited in the ER waiting room for about 7 hours to be seen. ( Thats a whole other story lets just say I was NOT a happy patient after that. O M G!) Had the spinal tap no menigitis- but didnt really tell me what else it could be just sent us on our way. ... still miserable with neck pain and headaches then I started having tremors like big time. Mom and Joe said I needed to go to the hospital and I fought them becuase I did NOT want to go back there but I knew I needed to go. Got medicine to stop the tremors had a brain and neck MRI apparently they found a cycst on my brain but i guess its not that big of a deal so whatev! aaaaand then today still having neck pain have not slept in like forever and having horrible horrible kidney pain.. went to the insta care again they said I have a kidney infection.Oh and on top of this I have had the WORST sunburn ever! I cant even explain how bad my skin looks right  now I had this awesome tan and now I just look like a lepor. Ugh FML!!!! I will say this, I am so greatful that I was in California when all of this happend, it was sooo nice to have my mom with me while being sick I dont care how old you are, you still want your mom when your sick! And she took great care of me as well did Joe. They made it possible for me to get seen and checked out and able to get the treatment that I needed. I don't think I would have been able to get that if I had been in Utah. So so very greatful for that and big thank you to them! ( And let me be clear this part of the blog was only the "THE BAD" section becuase of how sick I have been thats all)

Even though it was not the stay we were expecting because of me being so sick I have really loved being here and on the days that I felt somewhat OK we were able to go out to movies or go fishing and I have just really enjoyed spending time with them and have had a lot of fun. They have been kind enonugh to allow me to spend the summer with them if I want and I think I am going to take them up on that offer and spend the summer out here working and enjoyingtime with them and the sun! I have had a GREAT time with them this past month and I cant wait to get back out here. And unfortunetly the " holli is a bitch becuase she doesnt  feel good" side of me came out while I have been here and so if they are willing to offer me to stay for the summer after seeing that side of me... I guess they like me enough to spend more time with them even after that side of me coming out. They are brave people.

EVERYTHING ELSE 

( My new fibro shirt! Sorry for the rotten face sally picture of me... focus on the shirt!)

Thursday May 12th was National Fibromyalgia Awareness Day!! I want to wish all my Fibro Friends a Happy Day and let them know how much I love them and am so greatful for their support. No one can truly understand until you live with it and my fibro friends are such strong fighters and help me be strong too! HAPPY FIBROMYALGIA AWARENESS DAY!!!  If I had a cake for that day with candles on it I would wish for more awareness on this awful disease. For people to try and understand and really try to know fibro before making an opinion or place judgement about it and the people who have it. I have been living with Fibromyalgia for eight years and it is a hard hard battle every single day I know this is something I will have my entire life and I will be apart of the fibro crusade the rest of my life! Yay For Fibro Fighters!

Just a few other things- I was able to be here for my nephews SECOND BIRTHDAY!!!! YAY KELVIN!!!! Even though I was mostly out of it the entire weekend I spent with them I LOVED being able to have Easter Dinner with Madi and Brady and be able to here for Kelvins Birthday. I just love spending time with them and I just cant get enough of Kelvin! And Madi also took good care of me while she was also taking care of brady who just had shoulder surgery a few days before! She is Super Mom! Thank you!!

HOW CUTE IS THIS LITTLE GUY!?!?!??!

Well I am not sure if there is anything else to share just that I really miss blogging. Even though I dont have anythinig exciting to blog about sometimes its just nice to be able to pop in and say Hey Im still alive and just talk blog about random stuff like how I think im going to start wearing a watch.. its my new thing. Or sharing pictures of the box of balloons I stole! ( Hehehe yeah I totally did... it was on accident though... I returned them.... I figured I couldnt afford another strike on my record!) But hopefully you will be seeing more of me my mom is nice and lets me take over her laptop while I am here sooooo THIS SUMMER COMING TO A LAPTOP OWNED BY YOU..... HOLLIS BLOG POSTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hahahah Oooopsie! My bad

Love you sibligns, friends, mom and joe, and stalkers. Im so glad I have you and you read my blog even though I only make an appearence like every 5 months. . . I used to be such a good blogger. Oh wait that was becuase I was working and had nothing else better to do then blog. hmmmm.

Peace Out!

Oh and just a picture of how The California sun left me with this rot ass tan line

 COME ON!!!!!

The Women of Virtue Organization

Hey everyone go check out and join this great organization that my amazing friend Mckenna and her friend Rachel have created! 

wovorganization.blogspot.com

Sisters By Chance Friends By Choice

I must say... I have the best sisters in the world.  No one has better sisters then I do.. and they are not just my sisters but they are my best friends. They have always been my best friends. Even when we were little we never fought we never hated each other we were always so close and I think now we are even closer then ever. Even though Madi lives in California so we are not able to be together very often we still take care of each other and are always there whenever we need each other. No one can make me laugh harder then these those two when we get together we have so much fun. I love all of our inside jokes I love that we all have the same since of humor. I just want to take some time to tell them and the blogging world how amazing they are!


My sisters have always been there for me. When I think about everything I have been threw in my life all the good and bad they are always by my side. They never judge me for the bad choices I have made, they support me with everything, and they never leave my side when I need the most. I know that they will always be by my side my entire life I trust them more then anyone else in the world and they will always be there for me as my sister and as my friends.

MEAGEN:

Meagen is so amazing. Over the years her and I have formed a very special bond. We lived together for about 8 months and we had so much fun together. She is such a strong person. I look up to her in so many ways. She is so creative and I have always admired her for that. I wish I had the creativity she has. She has so many talents she is a great photographer and has the ability to make anything and everything beautiful. She has a way of making wherever she is living feel like home. I just loved the apartment that we lived in together she made it so beautiful. She has a strength inside of her that I think everyone wishes they had for themselves. Sometimes I dont think she realizes what a truly strong and inspiring person she is. While we were living together we both went threw very hard times in our lives. I just hope that I was as much help and support to her as she was for me. 

 Over the years Meagen has taken care of me in ways that has helped me so much and has helped me get threw things that I never thought I would be able to survive. I can not even express how appreciative I am of the things she has done for me. She has taken care of me so many times while I have been sick I could be here all night talking about all the times she has stepped up and took care of me. She has helped me recover after surgeries, she has held my hair while I threw up, she has spent numerous sleepless nights in the hospital with me but always makes it as fun as possible. She may not know this but she has a way of ALWAYS lifting my spirits as soon as she walks into my hospital room. She always makes sure that I have fun movies to watch and if I am allowed to eat she always makes sure that I have whatever sounds good. She has even made trips to 3 different places in one night just to give me everything that sounded good to me. She always makes sure that I have all my medicine, she has learned how to change IV bags, administer medicine threw a picc line. She always make sure that I know whatever I am going threw I will make it out of it alive. She is such an amazing care taker. The past 6 months have been so hard for me physically and emotionally. I had an extremely hard hospital stay in August and she stayed with me all day all night. She never left my bedside. When I was first taken to the hospital I started out in the Emergency Room at one hospital and taken to another hospital by ambulance. When she knew that I would be transferred she immediately went home, got me clothes, movies, and of course my stuffed pig that is always with me in the hospital to make sure that I was comfortable. She even beat the ambulance to the hospital to make sure that she was there when I arrived. She has never once questioned my pain, or sickness and when she knew that I was going threw a very hard time and in what we like to call the "dark place" she suggested that I get some help and start seeing a therapist and since I have been in therapy she has been so supportive and is always on my side no matter what. She is such a great caretaker and I don't think that anyone can say that their sister has done as much for them as she has done for me. She has been there to always defend me and stick up for me in any situation. I know there are times that I have leaned on her probably more then I should but she just always makes me feel safe. She has helped me in ways that she doesn't even know and I am SO grateful for her and her love. 

Like I said Meagen and I have a very special bond. We have a way of always know what each other are thinking and can always finish each others sentences. It sometimes freaks us out at the way we are able to read each others minds! I want her to know how much I love her and admire her so much. She is such an amazing person and I cherish our relationship so much. I am so glad that we have been able to maintain such a beautiful and awesome bond threw the years that continues to grow every day. I love you Meagen!

MADISON:

Oh Madi my love! I have so much to say about Madi I dont even know where to start! Actually I do. Let me just start off by saying that I LOVE her personality. She is the FUNNIEST person I know. Seriously.  She can make me so laugh so hard its amazing and I love it. She is so quick to make hilarious remarks and jokes it amazes me at how quick she is! She is also an amazing friend. Everyone who can call her a friend is truly lucky. She will do ANYTHING for everyone she loves and cares for. She is so protective of the ones she loves that she will always be there for every one of her friends. No matter what they need she will always be there. I am truly honored to not only be able to call her my sister but also my friend.

 I have to admit that Madi and I have always been close but Madison and I didn't always have the relationship that we do now. And the relationship and bond that we have now is so important and special to me. Even though she lives in California I feel closer to her now more then ever. 

Madi is such a strong person she can make it threw anything. I admire the strength that she has. There are things that she has been threw in life that I know that I would not be able to make it threw, and the way she has is truly amazing and admirable. Growing up she was always a "sort your own laundry" kinda girl but I know that she has changed since she was living at home with us and I love it when she calls me to vent or ask advice anything like that. I feel so special when she does that I love that she and I are able to talk to each other about hard things we are going threw or anything like that and anytime I am having a hard time she can ALWAYS make me feel better by laughing and always reminding me to not take things so seriously and that everything will find a way to work out. Even if it may not be the way I want it to she always reminds me that however it does things will be okay and we will find a way to survive. I don't think that there are many people in the world who have the ability to make people realize things like that and Madi truly has that talent. I love the relationship that Madi and I have now and I hope that we can continue to make our bond stronger and I hope she knows how much I cherish our relationship!
Madi helped me threw a very difficult situation in May. When I was out visiting her for my birthday was when I found out that our parents were getting a divorce. As soon as I got off of the phone I broke down and she was right there to comfort me. I feel like it was a blessing that I was there with her during that time because she made things a lot easier for me. And even though I got that phone call on my birthday she made sure that it did not ruin my day! She made it so much fun and did everything she could to take my mind off of what was going on at home. Like I said I am grateful for the blessing that I was able to be with her during that time. Thank you Madison you will never know how much easier you made that situation for me! I love you!

Madison is an AMAZING mother. As soon as she found out she was pregnant she immediately had this amazing spirit about her. She was such a cute little pregnant girl who had so much love for  Kelvin while he was growing inside her. I loved hearing the updates about her appointments and the growth of the baby and everything exciting that comes along with pregnancy. I cant even tell you how amazing of a mother she is. She is the most selfless person and the love she has for Kelvin is so beautiful. When she found out that he has Downsyndrom she learned everything there is to know about it so that she can always take care of him and give him the most healthy and wonderful life. She is so caring and again the love that she has for him is just beautiful. Kelvin is truly lucky to have such wonderful parents who love him so much and would do anything in the world for him. She is so protective of Kelvin and the bond that they have is wonderful. I love being able to spend time with her and see her in action! She takes such good care of him and he is just the happiest baby in the world! She has always been very mature for her age and she just makes me SO proud of her of how great a mother and wife she is. If I ever have kids I hope that I can be the kind of mother that she is. I hope that if I do have kids she will be there to help me out and teach me everything there is to know and how to be so caring and loving like she is! I love Kelvin so much he is the CUTEST kid in the world. He has such an amazing spirit about him I just love him so so much. I wish that we lived closer so that we could spend more time with her and her family but I cherish the times that we get to be together. Thank you Brady and Madi for bringing him into the world! I have the cutest most kick ass nephew in the entire world!!! If that smile doesn't make you melt I don't know what will!

I just wanted to take a little time and let everyone know how special my sisters are. I could be here all night sharing stories and great things about them! I hope they know how much I love them and how important they are to me. I sometimes feel like people should be jealous of how great my sisters are and how close we are to each other. Anyone who has sisters should always make time for each other and should develop great relationships with them. I don't think that there is any friendship more important and great then the ones that sisters have with each other. Like I said Sisters by chance friends by choice!! 

Let me just finish off by saying.. LOOK HOW BEAUTIFUL MY SISTERS ARE!!!

Insomnia and frustration

iNsOmNiA.... I HaTe YoU!!

My insomnia is making my life REALLY frustrating. Its really starting to piss me off. And tonight I have so much on my mind that it is making it 10 times worse. 

Today I had to go BACK to court (UGH) to ask the judge to switch my work diversion into community service. Let me just start off by saying there is a HUGE difference between the two. Work Diversion is very physical manual labor. It is all outside doing things such as picking up trash, cutting down trees, shoveling snow things like that. For 8 hours straight. Community service is basically doing volunteer work... working in libraries, hospitals, some office work, its all inside and not physical work. 

Now that I have explained that let me just say that having to go back to court is so depressing! Court is depressing! I want so badly to correct my mistake and put this behind me. Every time I walk into the courtroom I get a sick feeling in my stomach. It just reminds me of the mistake that I made and how badly I hate myself for it. Court is terrifying and being surrounded by inmates in shackles and having to go before a very intimidating judge for the FOURTH time is just depressing and I hate it. But I had to do it and I will be honest and say that I have actually been blessed with a very good public defender ( Its not the HOT one who looks like Ryan Gosling who I will confess Meagen and I TOTALLY have a crush on who  makes court so much better when he walks into a room.... Let me put it this way.. He is so good looking I would go out and commit another crime in hopes that he will be my public defender hahahah JUST KIDDING I am not really thinking about doing that but he is so good looking) Anyway... what was I saying? Oh yes, I have been blessed with a very good public defender who has made this whole situation a lot easier. She explains things very well and has done everything to make this not so scary! She did a great job of getting a plea deal for me and well... I wont go into more detail but she has made things a lot easier and has worked very hard on my case! Also, I have been very blessed to also get on the judges good side. I don't know what I did to do that but she is very nice to me and even though I am ALWAYS one of the lasts ones to go up and talk to her she never gives me the lecture that she usually gives everyone else who is there. Its weird when I am sitting there and listening to everyone elses cases and everything she seems so scary and I am SO nervous to go up even though my attorney does all the talking I just stand there I am so nervous to go up but once I get up there Its really not that bad because she is not mean to me or scary with me at all. So I feel like I have been blessed with those things. 

( I promise I am going somewhere with this... thanks for continuing reading this far.) 

But today I had to go back and ask for my work diversion to be switched to community service. When I was sentenced she ordered me to do 15 days of work diversion I was only able to do one. 8 hours of picking up trash gave me about 6 days flat on my back literally having to have meagen help me walk up and down the stairs, get in bed, brush my hair, everything because I was hurting so badly just from that 1 day. I knew that I just physically was not going to be able to do the physical work involved with that. I immediately called my attorney and she told me to call the deputies with the program explain that I have a medical condition that is not allowing me to be able to do everything involved with the program. I did just that he said that I had credit for 1 day and that I can either just go spend the rest of the 14 days in County Jail or I can go before the judge and asked it to be switched to community service. Okay well HELLO Obviously I am going to avoid jail if all possible so my attorney started the process of getting it switched over. She first tried asking the prosecutor if they were okay with it if they were there was no need for me to go before the judge. She never got a response from them so we set a court date. Which was today. I brought in medical documents including a letter from my doctor saying that I have fibromyalgia. Let me just say the prosecutor was SUCH an ASS! And if I had the chance I would have let him have a piece of my mind but had I said what I wanted to I am pretty sure my ass would be in the slammer tonight so I am going to get it off my mind right here! We went before the judge and explained the situation and asked her to have it switched over. She said okay does the state (prosecutor) have any problems with that? This guy stood up and said " Well, my only concern is is that she just doesn't want to be out in the cold picking up garbage. I think that this illness she is claiming to have may just be an excuse to get out of this and blow it off." So my attorney turned around and said " Well, to be honest I am not extremely familiar with fibromyalgia but I know enough that the cold does make the pain worse but this is not an excuse to get out of anything her illness is just not going to allow her to do the physical work." So he replied by saying " Well, she did one day and there is no record of her saying anything or complaining of pain or any mention of her not being able to do the work because of it." OKAY! HELLO!! Of course I am not going to complain while I am there I was told I would go to jail for that and what was I suppose to do go to the officer and say "Yeah I hurt so can I just sit in the van with you the rest of the day" OH MY GOSH!! So the judge actually kind of defended me by saying "Well community service is not physical manual labor like work diversion is I see why they are asking for it to be switched." And the prosecutor said "Well its your call your honor but I just think that we may be here in a few weeks with her saying that she can't do that either and is finding a way to get out of it."
I was SOOOO MAD!! I so badly just wanted to turn around and be like ya know what I would LOVE to be able to just go and do the work and be done with this. But something as simple as picking up garbage just about killed me. I would love for my body to be able to allow me to do the work that so many other are able to do. I am not trying to get out of anything I followed every step that I was told to do to make everyone aware that it is a physical illness that is not allowing me to do it. And if you were familiar with fibro AT ALL you would know why its not easy for me. DO NOT make accusations such as I am just trying to find a way to get out of this and I just don't want to be out in the cold and just whining about working. I was SO MAD!!  And I just can not get this off of my mind. It is just bugging me so badly how rude he was and the rude things he was saying like so much of it was just so uncalled for I so badly wanted to stick up for myself but I couldn't. It makes me want to send a letter and say everything I wish I could have said in the courtroom with just a few sheets on information about Fibro. But honestly it wasn't even the fact that he didn't think that fibro was a good enough reason it was the fact that he accused me of just wanting to get out of this and trying to blow it off because I just don't want to pick up garbage. UGH! SO FREAKING RUDE!!! In the end the judge ruled in my favor and gave me 112 community service hours on the condition that I turn in progress reports to let her know that I am doing it. I am going to do it as QUICKLY as possible she gave me until August 31st to finish it but I am going to get it done ASAP just so I can show that guy that I am not trying to blow this off I just physically am un able to do the hard manual labor. JERK OFF! 


If there is anyone that actually read all of that thanks for listening to me vent... Haha! I know it seems like all I do is bitch but for those of you who worry about my emotional mental status I promise I am doing better despite my anger that I just displayed! Thanks again for reading and here are some pictures that I wanted to share... They are of me and my awesome friend Sam years ago modeling for a Paul Mitchell hair show. It was SO much fun!!  Enjoy! ( And dont worry my hair was only that freaking WHITE for the show... they gave me a more natural looking blonde afterwards! For free!! Yay!!) Oh and also! I am flying out on Monday to see Madi and I can not wait!!