Insomnia and frustration

iNsOmNiA.... I HaTe YoU!!

My insomnia is making my life REALLY frustrating. Its really starting to piss me off. And tonight I have so much on my mind that it is making it 10 times worse. 

Today I had to go BACK to court (UGH) to ask the judge to switch my work diversion into community service. Let me just start off by saying there is a HUGE difference between the two. Work Diversion is very physical manual labor. It is all outside doing things such as picking up trash, cutting down trees, shoveling snow things like that. For 8 hours straight. Community service is basically doing volunteer work... working in libraries, hospitals, some office work, its all inside and not physical work. 

Now that I have explained that let me just say that having to go back to court is so depressing! Court is depressing! I want so badly to correct my mistake and put this behind me. Every time I walk into the courtroom I get a sick feeling in my stomach. It just reminds me of the mistake that I made and how badly I hate myself for it. Court is terrifying and being surrounded by inmates in shackles and having to go before a very intimidating judge for the FOURTH time is just depressing and I hate it. But I had to do it and I will be honest and say that I have actually been blessed with a very good public defender ( Its not the HOT one who looks like Ryan Gosling who I will confess Meagen and I TOTALLY have a crush on who  makes court so much better when he walks into a room.... Let me put it this way.. He is so good looking I would go out and commit another crime in hopes that he will be my public defender hahahah JUST KIDDING I am not really thinking about doing that but he is so good looking) Anyway... what was I saying? Oh yes, I have been blessed with a very good public defender who has made this whole situation a lot easier. She explains things very well and has done everything to make this not so scary! She did a great job of getting a plea deal for me and well... I wont go into more detail but she has made things a lot easier and has worked very hard on my case! Also, I have been very blessed to also get on the judges good side. I don't know what I did to do that but she is very nice to me and even though I am ALWAYS one of the lasts ones to go up and talk to her she never gives me the lecture that she usually gives everyone else who is there. Its weird when I am sitting there and listening to everyone elses cases and everything she seems so scary and I am SO nervous to go up even though my attorney does all the talking I just stand there I am so nervous to go up but once I get up there Its really not that bad because she is not mean to me or scary with me at all. So I feel like I have been blessed with those things. 

( I promise I am going somewhere with this... thanks for continuing reading this far.) 

But today I had to go back and ask for my work diversion to be switched to community service. When I was sentenced she ordered me to do 15 days of work diversion I was only able to do one. 8 hours of picking up trash gave me about 6 days flat on my back literally having to have meagen help me walk up and down the stairs, get in bed, brush my hair, everything because I was hurting so badly just from that 1 day. I knew that I just physically was not going to be able to do the physical work involved with that. I immediately called my attorney and she told me to call the deputies with the program explain that I have a medical condition that is not allowing me to be able to do everything involved with the program. I did just that he said that I had credit for 1 day and that I can either just go spend the rest of the 14 days in County Jail or I can go before the judge and asked it to be switched to community service. Okay well HELLO Obviously I am going to avoid jail if all possible so my attorney started the process of getting it switched over. She first tried asking the prosecutor if they were okay with it if they were there was no need for me to go before the judge. She never got a response from them so we set a court date. Which was today. I brought in medical documents including a letter from my doctor saying that I have fibromyalgia. Let me just say the prosecutor was SUCH an ASS! And if I had the chance I would have let him have a piece of my mind but had I said what I wanted to I am pretty sure my ass would be in the slammer tonight so I am going to get it off my mind right here! We went before the judge and explained the situation and asked her to have it switched over. She said okay does the state (prosecutor) have any problems with that? This guy stood up and said " Well, my only concern is is that she just doesn't want to be out in the cold picking up garbage. I think that this illness she is claiming to have may just be an excuse to get out of this and blow it off." So my attorney turned around and said " Well, to be honest I am not extremely familiar with fibromyalgia but I know enough that the cold does make the pain worse but this is not an excuse to get out of anything her illness is just not going to allow her to do the physical work." So he replied by saying " Well, she did one day and there is no record of her saying anything or complaining of pain or any mention of her not being able to do the work because of it." OKAY! HELLO!! Of course I am not going to complain while I am there I was told I would go to jail for that and what was I suppose to do go to the officer and say "Yeah I hurt so can I just sit in the van with you the rest of the day" OH MY GOSH!! So the judge actually kind of defended me by saying "Well community service is not physical manual labor like work diversion is I see why they are asking for it to be switched." And the prosecutor said "Well its your call your honor but I just think that we may be here in a few weeks with her saying that she can't do that either and is finding a way to get out of it."
I was SOOOO MAD!! I so badly just wanted to turn around and be like ya know what I would LOVE to be able to just go and do the work and be done with this. But something as simple as picking up garbage just about killed me. I would love for my body to be able to allow me to do the work that so many other are able to do. I am not trying to get out of anything I followed every step that I was told to do to make everyone aware that it is a physical illness that is not allowing me to do it. And if you were familiar with fibro AT ALL you would know why its not easy for me. DO NOT make accusations such as I am just trying to find a way to get out of this and I just don't want to be out in the cold and just whining about working. I was SO MAD!!  And I just can not get this off of my mind. It is just bugging me so badly how rude he was and the rude things he was saying like so much of it was just so uncalled for I so badly wanted to stick up for myself but I couldn't. It makes me want to send a letter and say everything I wish I could have said in the courtroom with just a few sheets on information about Fibro. But honestly it wasn't even the fact that he didn't think that fibro was a good enough reason it was the fact that he accused me of just wanting to get out of this and trying to blow it off because I just don't want to pick up garbage. UGH! SO FREAKING RUDE!!! In the end the judge ruled in my favor and gave me 112 community service hours on the condition that I turn in progress reports to let her know that I am doing it. I am going to do it as QUICKLY as possible she gave me until August 31st to finish it but I am going to get it done ASAP just so I can show that guy that I am not trying to blow this off I just physically am un able to do the hard manual labor. JERK OFF! 


If there is anyone that actually read all of that thanks for listening to me vent... Haha! I know it seems like all I do is bitch but for those of you who worry about my emotional mental status I promise I am doing better despite my anger that I just displayed! Thanks again for reading and here are some pictures that I wanted to share... They are of me and my awesome friend Sam years ago modeling for a Paul Mitchell hair show. It was SO much fun!!  Enjoy! ( And dont worry my hair was only that freaking WHITE for the show... they gave me a more natural looking blonde afterwards! For free!! Yay!!) Oh and also! I am flying out on Monday to see Madi and I can not wait!!