My brain is depressed

 I have started a post everyday this week while at work, and I never know how to get it started. There is a lot I want to write about but I never know how to actually put it all together. I think I will just do a list of things that are on my mind.

• I feel very homesick. I feel at home where I am its just I miss my comfort zone. I am not familiar with California and its hard to work in a place where people expect you to be because they are not. I don't know where anything is and its very frustrating. Since I don't have my car out here I feel like a 14 year old having to have my mom drive me everywhere. I hate it. I know that if I were the one driving I would be able to learn my away around more but if I'm not driving I'm not paying attention. ( I know I can change that, and I'm working on it.) I don't know anyone which is also very hard. I have no friends here and I feel like the few people that I do know ( The people that I work with) are just co-workers and I don't really know them and to be honest they have no clue as of to who I really am. I miss my dad and Meagen, and even though I wouldnt go out with my friends that often it was still nice to know that there were people that really know who I am and I really know who they are. That I can trust and actually call friends.  I get to see Madi which is nice but she lives like an hour away so its not very often but when I do get to see her it always cheers me up. I am just very lonely and having a hard time. I just wish I had a comfort zone here. I miss that.
• I am very tired of my job. I am doing the exact same thing I have been doing for the past 8 years. Everyday is the same. Nothing changes. Same people, same paperwork, same system. I know the system like the back of my hand I know exactly what I am doing but yet somedays I stare at the screen and litteraly have no idea what to do next. I leave everyday feeling like I have made mistakes when I know I havent. I know that I do a job that a monkey could do maybe this is my brains way of telling me that its sick of doing the same thing. I am to much of a chicken shit to just go out and look for something new. And by something new I mean something that is not a hotel and has nothing to do with Hilton. Everytime I think about starting to look for something else I remember that starting November 1st I have health insurance again. I just don't know which is more important health insurance or happiness. Probably with my shitty health its health insurance.
• I had 10 thousand dollars 4 months ago... where the hell did it go?
• I started weight watchers and in the first week I lost 5 pounds! Woo!! I weigh in again tomorrow I am hoping that I have lost some more! I really like the program and I am enjoying doing it. I like that I can still eat whatever I want I just can't go over my points for the day!
• I feel like a failure. I feel like I failed in Utah so I thought moving to California would be a nice way to start over and try again somewhere new. I feel like someone has pushed the pause button on my life. I was really hoping that by now I would feel like I have started my life over in california but I am in the exact same position I was in when I got here. Its really frustrating to feel like such a failure.
• I think I am going to go back to therapy. I feel like I have started to forget things that I have learned and I have started getting into old routines that I worked hard on to change.

I am kind of sick of making this list now so I am going to be done. . . What a depressing life.