A Change Is Gonna Come

I know I havent posted anything in like ... forever but I am about to make a big change in my life and I thought now would be a good time to start blogging again. Im sure I don't have any readers anymore so even if this is just used as an outlet or journal thats okay too. But hopefully maybe I will gain some more readers and mabe offer some hope to others out there that might be in the same situation I am in.

Most of you know that for the last 11 years I have been suffering with the miserable disease Fibromyalgia. Since being diagnosed I have been having a really hard time with a lot of things. Dealing with having to give up the things I love like daning becuase my body just cant do it anymore. Losing friends becuase they were sick of me never being able to go out with them becuase I didn't feel well. Dealing with the doctors and other people who don't believe that fibromyalgia is real. ( Let me tell you... it IS real. The pain and everything else IS REAL.) Trying to find which medications work and which ones don't. Dealing with the stress and anxiety of not knowing what I am going to feel like when I wake up. Its been a really hard time.

Even though the last 11 years have been a hard time this past year has been the worst of them. The fibro is taking over my life. Its no longer something I live with its something that is stopping me from living at all. Its gotten to the point that I have given up fighting it and I have just let it take over. I have just dug a dark hole of depression that no matter what is going on I can't get out of it. I no longer have good days. Every day is a bad day. Its not longer just a physical sickness its become mentally sick as well. My body has turned on me and its attacking itself and I don't have the energy to fight it anymore. The only thing I do is take the medication given to me each day and live like a physically hurt zombie. I am just walking threw life I am not living it. Someone recently said to me that all the damage I have done to my liver and body with all the medication I take and have been taking for 11 years now I probably won't make it to the age of 30. I am 25 yeas old now. It stung and it hurt but what was even more frightening to me was the fact that I thought to myself " ya know, I don't care. I'm not suicidal but if something were to happen to me and I were to die I wouldnt be mad about it. Knowing that I could get out of the pain I live with then so be it."  The more I thought about it the more I was okay with it. This past year I have taken more medication then I have sine I got sick. I have let myself go becuase I know that nothing I do is ever going to make me feel healthy again, nothing I do is going to get rid of the pain, and nothing I do is ever going to change what I have to do each day just to survive.

I just got back to California after spending the last 3 months in Utah. Two days after I got home I went into a massive flare. Never had I felt more pain from fibromyalgia then I did when I woke up that morning at 4am. I had to call my mom to come and help me walk to the bathroom I couldnt even do that on my own. The pain and depression just got worse each day. I was having major panic attacks and I was lashing out on my mom who was only trying to help me. I was screaming I was shaking I was feeling so much pain and so much depression that I didn't know what to do anymore. As soon as I was able to clear my head a little and gain some control over my emotions I realized that I need help. I need help or I really might not make it to 30. My way of just letting fibro control my life and the way I handle it just with medication that sometimes isn't enough is not working anymore. I can't do it on my own anymore I really need help. I need a new way of dealing with and treating the fibro. And hopefully in time I will also be able to get a handle on the depression and anxiety and maybe I can get a little bit of my old self back.

So, a change is gonna come. My mom came across a fibromyalgia clinic right here in Roseville that has a 3 month treatment program specifically for fibromyalgia. It was kind of ment to be actually my moms phone randomly turned off and when she turned it back on it went automaticaly to her junk mail in her e-mail. She saw this email that said " fibromyalgia doctors near you" She opened it up and took a look and decided to call this office. She spoke with the receptionist who was also a fibro patient at the clinic and said that usually it is a 2 to 3 week waiting period but someone had just called and cancelled their appointment for the next morning right before my mom called. She said that even though I was in a huge flare and in a lot of pain I needed to come in so the doctor could see me at my worst. We went in the next day and had a consultation with one of the doctors who are apart of this program and he knew immediatly that I needed help. He said that he could tell just by looking at me that I was in pain and that I have obvious nurological things going on by the way my eye lids flutter when I close my eyes. He took my pulse and said that my heart was just racing which is something that happends when your body is in pain. I was shaking and crying and just so emotional. He explained what the treatment program entails and I had some concerns but after expressing those concerns he talked threw everything with me and I knew I was ready to make a change.

Like I said its a 3 month program and it has 3 doctors that are apart of the treatment. There is a neurologist, an MD, and a chiropractor. They make changes to your diet which I know is going to be hard for me but it will be worth it. They do all kinds of blood work to look for auto immune diseases and other things that may not be related to fibro and they can do what needs to be done to take care of those other issues to improve your health. They do full body X rays to make sure everything is the way it should be. With my familys medical history there is a lot of genetic stuff that I could very possibly be on my way to getting or already have it. They do oxygen therapy, chiropratic therapy, detoxing of the liver and intestinal track to get rid of all the toxins my body has from all the medication I have been taking for years. I will go 3 times a week for 3 months and hopefully by the end of 3 months I will hopefully be off of a lot of the medication, I will have learned how to manage my pain and diet, and be able to learn to live with fibro a healthy and safe way.

I go in on Monday morning to get the blood tests and x rays and exams done and then go from there. I know its going to be extremely hard but I know it needs to be done. Like I said I need help and I need a change. My family is very supportive and they all said that they are glad I finally realise that I need some help and they are proud of me. That means a lot to me and knowing I have their support makes me want to do this not just for me but for them as well. I know I have put them threw hell when I take everything out on them even though they have done nothing wrong and don't deserve it. I am really looking forward to starting this and ready to start feeling better and living as healthy as I can. Im ready to accept the help and accept the change that is about to come to my life. I wanted to start blogging again becuase I know I have a lot of fibro friends that hopefully read my blog and I can give them hope and let them know that they are not alone. A change is gonna come and I am ready for it!

Anyone who is interested in hearing more about the program can go to this link HERE and watch the video.