My Comfort Items

Yesterday March 27th Year 2010 marked the one year anniversary of the day I was admitted into Utah Valley Regional Hospital for Renal Failure. And on this day I realized something that is so clear that now I don't know why I have not allowed myself to realize it before. In the past year nothing has changed. In the past 9 years nothing has changed. I am always going to be sick with something, am going to have hospital stays, I am going to have surgeries that I need but may or may not get. I am always going to be sick with something. I mean even when I was in Renal Failure and in the hospital I thought I was feeling better until they overhydrated me with IV fluids going into my body to quickly... You pushed your finger in my leg and it would dent.... Its always something. Its my life. Its not something I want its not something I asked for.. its my life. This is it. I am trying to make peace with that, and able to mean it when I say that its "okay" and that I am "okay." That this is me and my life.

( Dont you even judge me on how terrible I look... This is what Renal Failure does to you .... Dont hate)

These verbs mean to give hope or help to in time of grief or pain

com·fort·ed, com·fort·ing, com·forts

1. To soothe in time of affliction or distress.

2. To ease physically; relieve.

1. A condition or feeling of pleasurable ease, well-being, and contentment.

2. Solace in time of grief or fear.

3. Help; assistance: gave comfort to the enemy.

4. One that brings or provides comfort.

5. The capacity to give physical ease and well-being

Comofort Items are a huge things for me. I know it will all sound childish.. like when a kid won't let go of their baby blanket or when they won't give up their dolls. To me it doesnt matter what age you are or who you are everyone has comfort items. Whether it is a person, a blanket, or a movie. Everyone needs and finds comfort it one thing or a nother.

I have been really holding tight to my comfort items this past month as I went threw bronchitas, and then a stomach virus, and going back on Iv's at home which I find absolutely annoying. Not being able to bend your arm a certain way becuase it might kink the tube going to my heart, have to find new batteries for the pump every other day.. its just..annoying.


Anyway so I may have more comfort items or comfort people then most but I dont think anyone can have to many comfort items.


My Comfort Movies: The Devil Wears Prada, Joy Ride, Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood,Crossroads ( Yes the Britney Spears move.... Don't hate.)


My Comfort Drink: Sprite and Bannana Slurpees

My Comfort Stuffed Animal:

This little guy has been to every surgery, every hospital, every iv therapy session I have been threw. My dad got this for me when I was 15 and had my 2nd surgery. The pig doesnt have a name just... My Pink Pig. I forgot it after I was discharged from the hospital a few years ago I was so sad I thought it would be gone for sure.. We called and they had found it and my doctor picked it up for me. How sweet =)

My Comfort Person: My mom. She is always with me whenever I am sick.. spends the night in the hospital with me in uncomfortable chairs becuase she can't lay in the bed with me, or spends all night long with me if I am up sick she never leaves my side. Whenever I am in the hospital and for some reason she can't be there she always makes arrangments so that someone will always be there with me so that I am never alone. I don't know what I would do without her. I think that even when I am married and have kids of my own I am still going to be calling her at 2 am when I am sick saying " Mom.. Im throwing up will you come over!?!" She is always supportive of my desisions when it comes to my health even when she doesn't agree with them. I truly believe that she is a huge reason I have made it threw the things I have made it threw.

My comfort Tv Show: Greys Anatomy, Desperate Houesewives, and Saving Grace

My Comfort Doctor: James Woodmansee

He has been my doctor my entire life. He gives me so much comfort when I am sick he could tell me I had one day to live but if it came from him and he gave me a hug afterwards it would be okay. He is truly and amazing doctor and even better person. He sticks up for me when all the other doctors think that I am a crazy drug addict, he will do whatever it takes for how ever long it takes to get you feeling better. He can make you feel better just by enterting the room becuase you know that if he knows whats going on it will be okay.

My 2nd Comfort Person: My dad. I always get so frustrated with him when I am sick because he makes me drink a glass of gatorade every 40 minutes and he makes me take my pills that is not even helping so I just want to give up on taking it. He always make me do those things when I really don't want to but he makes me do it anyway. I do believe last time I was sick when I swear I had the freaking ebola virus I told him to " Stop being the freaking fluid nahtzi and leave me the hell alone." But after I got better I was so greatfull he made me drink all that gatorade becuase he knows how easy I get dehydrated and I was so happy he woke me up every 2 hours during the middle of the night for 6 days straight because I had a fever of 102 right after surgery it could have turned out alot worse had he not tracked my fever. He does those things becuase he knows I have to and he knows how important it is. He still helps me even when I refuse to eat the toast he made me and refuse to drink the gatorade he brings in. Not only does he help me even when I am being a a cranky brat but he will always sit and watch whatever movies or tv shows I am watching just to keep me company. He will watch the chick flicks with me and not ever complain. When its his turn to sit with me in the hospital he will always bring movies to watch that he thinks I might want to watch not the ones he wants to watch. He even stole Mario Party for me from the Pediatric Wing of Utah Valley Hospital so that I could play it when I got home. Any dad who does that is a winner!

Random Comfort Item: A hand. I don't know why people hold someones hand while they are going threw something painfull or difficult. I always want to hold a hand during those times. It doesnt make the needle in my ass hurt less or the news the doctor is telling you anyless painful or scary but its just nice to know there is someone there for you and only you.

Random Comfort Item Number 2: Flowers... I L.O.V.E. flowers. I think that more girls then not don't like flowers becuase " they just die in 2 days anyway" ... Not me... I Love them! No matter what is going on if I am sick or upset or whatever getting flowers always cheers me up... even when I buy then for myself... I love them!! When I was in the hospital I had sooo many flowers delivered from my work and friends my mom had to take a trip home every night just to take some of them home because we were running out of room for them!! I love flowers!! Gerbera Daisies are my Fav!

My comfort animal: Our family dog Marley. He is amazing... I think that every dog does this because meagens dog Tonka does it too... They just know when any of us are sick. Marley is always very calm and never leaves your side. He always keeps me company and never bugs me to go out and throw the ball for him he is such a sweet dog. Its really strange both Tonka and Marley have done this to me.. Tonka will always try and lick my arm where my PICC Line is placed and just 2 weeks ago when I had really bad bronchitas he kept trying to lay right on my chest and cuddle. Dogs just... know things...

My "Happy" Place: This goes along the lines of my comforting hand. Picturing your Happy Place does not make the pain your in hurt less but for me its comforting. My happy place use to be in the dance studio ... I would just picture myself and my friends Kacee, McKenna, Stacy all of us back in the dance studio like we were in 9th grade... But since thats not really possible for me to be back in the dance studio I picture myself at the ball park. I love baseball and I love Summer. There is nothing like the sound of a baseball hitting a bat. I love everything about baseball.... and I always love that I probably know more about basebal then most guys do =) Hehe... I just picture myself sitting at the park watching a game. When I am in my happy place I always like to continue to say to myself " This to will pass... This to will pass..." I know that for me when one thing passes another illness will come but it helps me. And its my happy place and happy thoughts.

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I am making peace with my life and how it is and has been. I am always going to have breakdowns to where I just want it to end because I am to tired to fight whatever it is that is trying to fight me. Or becuase all I want to do is be normal and not sick but like I said before... This to will pass. And when something new comes and I am not having a mental breakdown... I will kick its ass and take names... This is me =) Love me or hate me call me a whiner whatever... I will always have comfort from something or someone.

What are your comfort items??