After 900 stops (okay more like 2 but it felt like 900.) I finally made it to California for the summer. It was a hard decision for me to choose to come here but as I was sitting on the plane I realized that it was the right decision.
It was a hard decision for me for a lot of reasons. I didnt know what would be easier for everyone involed. Would it be easier for Meagen and my dad if I was not there. One less mouth to feed, Wouldnt have to worry about Meagen and I having to share a car, things like that. But it was so so hard to leave Meagen and my dad. Since its just been the 3 of us for a year now I feel like we have developed a new bond with eachother after being threw what we have been threw together. I felt like I needed to stay and help Meagen with everything going on there and start working again to be able to pay rent and bills. I felt like I was just leaving them and thinking about if I am causing more problems by not being there to help with things. It was hard for me to think about how things would be in California as well. Even though I was told I was welcome to stay and get a job but there is always this feeling of me overstaying my welcome, and being an inconvience. It was like either place I would be at I felt like I may be an inconvience. Because that is just the way I think....Apparently therapy did not heal me of everything.
I know this may sound weird but as I was sitting on the plane something that was said hit me and made me realize I was making the right choice. Because my plane had to stop in Vegas, Burbank, and then my final stop Sacramento I took off 3 different times. And each time new people came on so the flight attendants made their speech about the exits and what to do in an emergency water landing and blah blah blah. During their speech they explained that in the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure that oxygen masks will fall from above you and that you should always put yours on first before helping others. And after the third time of hearing that it finally became clear to me. Take care of yourself before helping others.
For the past year I have been so worried about others and helping take care of others that I have been un happy. People would tell me " Take care of yourself" " Do whatever makes you happy" but there has just been so many other important things to think about and take care of that doing what I want or what I think would make me happy just didnt ever cross my mind and when I did I thought it was selfish of me. Theres has always been an open offer to come and stay with my mom. And after I got really sick when I was here in April, and then I went home I just decided that this Summer I would take her up on that offer and spend the Summer out in California.
When I decided to come stay for the summer I had 2 goals in mind. Number one was to find a job. I have completed that goal. I turned in applications for the Hampton Inn which I would prefered to work at obviously since I know the system like the back of my hand. I was offered a job at the Orchid Suites and I took it. It was good for me to step out of my comfort zone and learn something new. I am still learning and probably screwing alot of things up but I like it. Its good to be working again and feeling somewhat like a human being again. I miss working at a hotel and getting to know guests and everything I just hate not knowing what Im doing. I am use to being the one that everyone came to to fix the problem or help them with something that they couldnt do or didnt know. Its very hard for me to not know what I am doing and feeling uncomfortable. Its difficult to focus on the guests and customer service when your so concentrated on not screwing things up on the computer. Hopefully things will get easier and I will get more comfortable as time goes by.
Goal Number 2: FINALLY lose all of this discusting weight that I have gained. Alot of it has to do with 2 of my medications. The depo shots and lyrica. Number one side effect is weight gain. Alot of people refuse to even take them because of how much weight you gain while you are on them. Its terrible. Unfortunitaly I dont have the choice of not taking them. I have to take them. I wish I could blame it all on the medication but I can't. Most of it is becuase I have just gotten lazy and stopped caring and now I just want to scream. I am so dissapointed in myself.. Everytime I look in the mirror I just feel ashamed. Discusted. So much hate. I have to get rid of this weight, I want to go back to looking thin and being able to wear all my clothes that no longer fit. Be able to look in the mirror and like what I see. I know its going to take a lot of work I would like to lose at least 30 pounds. I have been asking for suggestions on what some good diets are or work out routines people do to lose weight. Some of the suggestions I have been given are : Meth, Cocaine, get rid of one of my legs, eat only a half of a tortilla chip a day, and just get good nutrition. I dont really want to cut of one of my legs so i think ill pass on that one. Unfortunitly I dont have the will power to only eat a half of a chip a day. ( maybe thats part of how I got into this discusting over weight body.) I could go the drug route but lets face it I dont really need " are you really an addict" conversation with people again. Because I wouldnt be so polite in holding in my fuck you's to people. I have started my Wii Fit account again and according to it I am obesse. WTF? So I am working out on it for a half hour every day. And also trying to cut my portions in half. If that doesnt work Ill go to not eating for days and when I feel like I am about to faint Ill eat a cube of cheese. With that and one stomach flu away ill reach my goal weight.
Hopefully by the end of Summer Ill be back to my normal weight and Ill have saved some money to get back to a normal life again.
But what if this is as good as it gets?
