Evaluation Situation

So I had my evaluation with my Fibro clinic doctor. I had full body X rays, a neurological exam, I am going to be having blood work done on monday but I thought I would do an update on what I found out from the evaluation. And what I found out..... was a lot of reasons why I hurt like hell! As we all know Fibro is an invisable illness. It does not show up on X rays, blood work, MRI's anything. Which makes it very hard for people including doctors to believe that it is real. Well, again I say... its freaking real. However, I now have some VISIBAL issues. The doctor said that I have some obvious neurological issues going on but it could be caused by medication that I am taking. One of the goals we are working toward with this program is getting me off of as much medication as possible. So we won't know more about the neurological stuff until later. Also about a year ago I had a CT scan while I was in the ER and they found a cyst on my brain. We were told at that time that its nothing to worry about but my doctor wants to take a look at it and see if it actually may be something that we need to worry about. We are doing a lot of oxygen therapy becuase my oxygen levels are severely low which apparently is common in fibromyalgia patients.

So I did say that I wanted to write and update while going threw this program so I am gonna post the pictures of the X rays that they took and explain the visibal problems that I found out I have.

( I know it totally looks like those are my boobs and they very well might be.. he said it was just the shields they put on on my chest.... to me it still looks like nips. And if it is well .. whatever )

Okay so in this X ray as you can see where the red lines are the bottom of my spine is curving. So thats not good but explains why my lower back hurts all the time.

In this X ray you can see where the vertibrays are fusing together. The circles show how much space should be between each one and as you ans see the space around the bottom circle is much smaller then the top circle. So thats not good either.

This x ray on the top is not mine. The x ray on the bottom ( the one with the red marks on it) is mine and its obviously of my neck. The one on the top is an x ray of what a healthy neck should look like. It should have a curve in it like that one shows. My x ray obviously shows that there is no curve whatsoever. Which is really not good. Your neck supports your head which weighs about the same as a bowling ball. When you have no curve in your neck like mine your muscles are forced to support your head which causes a lot of pain becuase its a lot of strain on those muscles. It also can cause the ligaments to tear and scar tissue to form which an also cause pain. And thats what has happened with my neck. So none of that is good. But again... also explains a lot about all of my horrible neck pain.

Things are really hard. It has only been a week and this is so hard on my body physically and mentally. Suprisingly the diet has actually been pretty easy. I have not had any really super bad ( I mean.. don't get me wrong I would give anything to drink a fraeking coke right now) but it really hasnt been bad and honestly I can already feel the difference its making eating better and drinking water. There is litteraly only about 7 things I can eat. Lettuce, any kind of meat I want ( but I only eat chicken), grapes, apples, and cucumbers. ( I know your so jealous of my foods ) I will be on this diet for 3 weeks while I am taking all the medicine that is suppose to help repair my intestinal track. And then after the 3 weeks I can add a little to the diet like rice and certain beans and then I will start the medication that will help detox my liver. I know I said the diet has been suprisingly easy but its more of my routine that is really hard. I am use to waking up opening a coke or sprite taking my pills and then around 1 or 2 in the afternoon eat something and then I am usually done eating for the day. I will sometimes snack on stuff or eat something before I go to bed but I am really not use to eating 3 meals a day plus snacks and having to drink a certain amount of water. Its like my entire routine and everything is just being turned upside down and its really hard to adjust.

So after the evaluation the doctor has said patients usually work with him for about 3 months but he said I should plan on working with him for about 6. Right now I am going in 3 times a week and its really rough. I know all of this is what I need. I know it is I have no doubt about it. I have faith in the doctors and this program and I know that it will only do good and help me get my body and entire life healthier. I mean the way I was going I truly believe I would not make it long in life. I really dont. But Im not gonna lie.. right now the faith I have in all of this does not make it easier. Like I said I have only been doing this a week and I feel like everyday I wake up hurting and feeling even worse then I did the day before. I know things are going to get worse before they get better but I am just really having a hard time. The support from my family and my close friends are amazing. They are all so supportive and knowing they are proud of me and happy that I am getting the help I need makes me feel really good. My mom and Joe are amazing helping me keep track of all my medicine making sure I have everything I need. No matter what time it is they are always there ready to get me an ice pack or heating pad. They are also doing the diet with me ( Not as hard core as I am.. I mean they are have a selection of about 10 things to eat compared to my 7 hahah ) They go to appointments with me and there to give me a hug when I start crying because I am in so much pain the doctor is putting on my body. Everyone who cares about me is there to help and give love and support and I appreciate it so much. They are there to remind me that things will get easier and this is for the best. It will be worth it in the end. 

On days like this I just have to keep telling myself that.... It will be worth it in the end. I am hungry and in a lot of pain I am tired from never being able to sleep I am frustrated that I got sick in the first place I am just frustrated. But I am leaning on the support of my family. My mom, dad, Meagen, Madi, Joe, Sam, Rachelle, and of course my love chug dog Fenway. They love me and I love them and I have to remember that they want me around as long as possible and I need to do this to be there for them as much as they are there for me right now. I'll keep everyone updated in a few days. =) Thanks for reading! And for everyone who is reading this and also is a Fibro Fighter.. Keep fighting.  There is HOPE. And when I am finished with all of this I will be proof of that!

( Also, fibro friends, blog stalkers, family, whoever you may be if you want updates on me and also my friend Rachelle who is also going threw a very hard time right now you should check out our Facebook page misses and Ms. Diagnosed )

A Change Is Gonna Come

I know I havent posted anything in like ... forever but I am about to make a big change in my life and I thought now would be a good time to start blogging again. Im sure I don't have any readers anymore so even if this is just used as an outlet or journal thats okay too. But hopefully maybe I will gain some more readers and mabe offer some hope to others out there that might be in the same situation I am in.

Most of you know that for the last 11 years I have been suffering with the miserable disease Fibromyalgia. Since being diagnosed I have been having a really hard time with a lot of things. Dealing with having to give up the things I love like daning becuase my body just cant do it anymore. Losing friends becuase they were sick of me never being able to go out with them becuase I didn't feel well. Dealing with the doctors and other people who don't believe that fibromyalgia is real. ( Let me tell you... it IS real. The pain and everything else IS REAL.) Trying to find which medications work and which ones don't. Dealing with the stress and anxiety of not knowing what I am going to feel like when I wake up. Its been a really hard time.

Even though the last 11 years have been a hard time this past year has been the worst of them. The fibro is taking over my life. Its no longer something I live with its something that is stopping me from living at all. Its gotten to the point that I have given up fighting it and I have just let it take over. I have just dug a dark hole of depression that no matter what is going on I can't get out of it. I no longer have good days. Every day is a bad day. Its not longer just a physical sickness its become mentally sick as well. My body has turned on me and its attacking itself and I don't have the energy to fight it anymore. The only thing I do is take the medication given to me each day and live like a physically hurt zombie. I am just walking threw life I am not living it. Someone recently said to me that all the damage I have done to my liver and body with all the medication I take and have been taking for 11 years now I probably won't make it to the age of 30. I am 25 yeas old now. It stung and it hurt but what was even more frightening to me was the fact that I thought to myself " ya know, I don't care. I'm not suicidal but if something were to happen to me and I were to die I wouldnt be mad about it. Knowing that I could get out of the pain I live with then so be it."  The more I thought about it the more I was okay with it. This past year I have taken more medication then I have sine I got sick. I have let myself go becuase I know that nothing I do is ever going to make me feel healthy again, nothing I do is going to get rid of the pain, and nothing I do is ever going to change what I have to do each day just to survive.

I just got back to California after spending the last 3 months in Utah. Two days after I got home I went into a massive flare. Never had I felt more pain from fibromyalgia then I did when I woke up that morning at 4am. I had to call my mom to come and help me walk to the bathroom I couldnt even do that on my own. The pain and depression just got worse each day. I was having major panic attacks and I was lashing out on my mom who was only trying to help me. I was screaming I was shaking I was feeling so much pain and so much depression that I didn't know what to do anymore. As soon as I was able to clear my head a little and gain some control over my emotions I realized that I need help. I need help or I really might not make it to 30. My way of just letting fibro control my life and the way I handle it just with medication that sometimes isn't enough is not working anymore. I can't do it on my own anymore I really need help. I need a new way of dealing with and treating the fibro. And hopefully in time I will also be able to get a handle on the depression and anxiety and maybe I can get a little bit of my old self back.

So, a change is gonna come. My mom came across a fibromyalgia clinic right here in Roseville that has a 3 month treatment program specifically for fibromyalgia. It was kind of ment to be actually my moms phone randomly turned off and when she turned it back on it went automaticaly to her junk mail in her e-mail. She saw this email that said " fibromyalgia doctors near you" She opened it up and took a look and decided to call this office. She spoke with the receptionist who was also a fibro patient at the clinic and said that usually it is a 2 to 3 week waiting period but someone had just called and cancelled their appointment for the next morning right before my mom called. She said that even though I was in a huge flare and in a lot of pain I needed to come in so the doctor could see me at my worst. We went in the next day and had a consultation with one of the doctors who are apart of this program and he knew immediatly that I needed help. He said that he could tell just by looking at me that I was in pain and that I have obvious nurological things going on by the way my eye lids flutter when I close my eyes. He took my pulse and said that my heart was just racing which is something that happends when your body is in pain. I was shaking and crying and just so emotional. He explained what the treatment program entails and I had some concerns but after expressing those concerns he talked threw everything with me and I knew I was ready to make a change.

Like I said its a 3 month program and it has 3 doctors that are apart of the treatment. There is a neurologist, an MD, and a chiropractor. They make changes to your diet which I know is going to be hard for me but it will be worth it. They do all kinds of blood work to look for auto immune diseases and other things that may not be related to fibro and they can do what needs to be done to take care of those other issues to improve your health. They do full body X rays to make sure everything is the way it should be. With my familys medical history there is a lot of genetic stuff that I could very possibly be on my way to getting or already have it. They do oxygen therapy, chiropratic therapy, detoxing of the liver and intestinal track to get rid of all the toxins my body has from all the medication I have been taking for years. I will go 3 times a week for 3 months and hopefully by the end of 3 months I will hopefully be off of a lot of the medication, I will have learned how to manage my pain and diet, and be able to learn to live with fibro a healthy and safe way.

I go in on Monday morning to get the blood tests and x rays and exams done and then go from there. I know its going to be extremely hard but I know it needs to be done. Like I said I need help and I need a change. My family is very supportive and they all said that they are glad I finally realise that I need some help and they are proud of me. That means a lot to me and knowing I have their support makes me want to do this not just for me but for them as well. I know I have put them threw hell when I take everything out on them even though they have done nothing wrong and don't deserve it. I am really looking forward to starting this and ready to start feeling better and living as healthy as I can. Im ready to accept the help and accept the change that is about to come to my life. I wanted to start blogging again becuase I know I have a lot of fibro friends that hopefully read my blog and I can give them hope and let them know that they are not alone. A change is gonna come and I am ready for it!

Anyone who is interested in hearing more about the program can go to this link HERE and watch the video.

My brain is depressed

 I have started a post everyday this week while at work, and I never know how to get it started. There is a lot I want to write about but I never know how to actually put it all together. I think I will just do a list of things that are on my mind.

• I feel very homesick. I feel at home where I am its just I miss my comfort zone. I am not familiar with California and its hard to work in a place where people expect you to be because they are not. I don't know where anything is and its very frustrating. Since I don't have my car out here I feel like a 14 year old having to have my mom drive me everywhere. I hate it. I know that if I were the one driving I would be able to learn my away around more but if I'm not driving I'm not paying attention. ( I know I can change that, and I'm working on it.) I don't know anyone which is also very hard. I have no friends here and I feel like the few people that I do know ( The people that I work with) are just co-workers and I don't really know them and to be honest they have no clue as of to who I really am. I miss my dad and Meagen, and even though I wouldnt go out with my friends that often it was still nice to know that there were people that really know who I am and I really know who they are. That I can trust and actually call friends.  I get to see Madi which is nice but she lives like an hour away so its not very often but when I do get to see her it always cheers me up. I am just very lonely and having a hard time. I just wish I had a comfort zone here. I miss that.
• I am very tired of my job. I am doing the exact same thing I have been doing for the past 8 years. Everyday is the same. Nothing changes. Same people, same paperwork, same system. I know the system like the back of my hand I know exactly what I am doing but yet somedays I stare at the screen and litteraly have no idea what to do next. I leave everyday feeling like I have made mistakes when I know I havent. I know that I do a job that a monkey could do maybe this is my brains way of telling me that its sick of doing the same thing. I am to much of a chicken shit to just go out and look for something new. And by something new I mean something that is not a hotel and has nothing to do with Hilton. Everytime I think about starting to look for something else I remember that starting November 1st I have health insurance again. I just don't know which is more important health insurance or happiness. Probably with my shitty health its health insurance.
• I had 10 thousand dollars 4 months ago... where the hell did it go?
• I started weight watchers and in the first week I lost 5 pounds! Woo!! I weigh in again tomorrow I am hoping that I have lost some more! I really like the program and I am enjoying doing it. I like that I can still eat whatever I want I just can't go over my points for the day!
• I feel like a failure. I feel like I failed in Utah so I thought moving to California would be a nice way to start over and try again somewhere new. I feel like someone has pushed the pause button on my life. I was really hoping that by now I would feel like I have started my life over in california but I am in the exact same position I was in when I got here. Its really frustrating to feel like such a failure.
• I think I am going to go back to therapy. I feel like I have started to forget things that I have learned and I have started getting into old routines that I worked hard on to change.

I am kind of sick of making this list now so I am going to be done. . . What a depressing life.

Tattoo Help

Okay.. I need some help. I am planning on getting a tattoo with the money that I won at the casino. Everyone knows how much I LOVE Marilyn Monroe so I am going to be getting a quote by her as this tattoo. I have some many favorites that I need some help choosing which one to actually get. I have decided I want the tattoo on my foot, but there is a longer quote that I really like and if I were to get that one I don't think it would fit on my foot so I thought maybe the back of my shoulder? Anyway I think I have it narrowed down to a few that I really like but I need to choose one. I am going to number them and put them into a poll so you can all vote. You can also just leave me a comment on this post or leave a comment on the link to this post that will be on my facebook page. However you want to do it please let me know which one you like the best. Becuase I won the money on a pink diamond slot machine I am going to dot the "I" in Marilyns name with a diamond to always remember winning the money. =) Here are the choices:

NUMBER ONE: " A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left" - Marilyn Monroe

NUMBER TWO: " Beneath the make up and behind the smile I am just a girl who wishes for the world"- Marilyn Monroe

NUMBER THREE: " We are all of us stars, and we deserve to twinkle" - Marilyn Monroe

NUMBER FOUR: " I am good but not an angel, I do sin but I am not the devil, I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love" - Marilyn Monroe

NUMBER FIVE: " I believe that everything happens for a reason, people change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so that you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together" - Marilyn Monroe

If any of you know of other Marilyn quotes that you think I may like let me know! Thanks everyone for your help!

I'm Sensative

I've been told that this song describes me perfectly..What do you think?

I'm Sensative

Jewel:

I was thinking that I might fly today

Just to disprove all the things that you say

It doesn't take a talent to be mean

Your words can crush things that are unseen

CHROUS: So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive

And I'd like to stay that way

You always tell me that it's impossible

To be respected, and be a girl

Why's it gotta be so complicated

Why you gotta tell me if I'm hated

CHROUS: So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive

And I'd like to stay that way

I was thinking, that it might do some good

If we robbed the cynics and took all their food

That way what they believe will have taken place

And we can give it people who have some faith

CHROUS: So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive

And I'd like to stay that way

I have this theory, that if we're told we're bad

Then that's the only idea we'll ever have

But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty

Someday we will become what we see

'Cause anyone can start a conflict

it's harder yet to disregard it

I'd rather see the world from another angle

We are everyday angels

Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way

New Hotel Blog!

Ready for some totally AMAZEBALLZ news? Here it is....

I have created a new blog!

http://hollishotelhorrorstories.blogspot.com/

I decided that with all my years of working in a hotel its time to share some of the crazy and insane stories that I have experienced with guests, co-workers, and also employees of hotels that I have been the guest at. I am really excited about this! I hope that everyone has fun reading all my crazy stories that I am going to share! Be excited! Be Be Be Excited! ( Yes I did just cheer...what of it?)

Pink Diamond Slots!

I went to the Thunder Valley Casino a few weeks ago, and I won BIG TIME!!
Let me set the scene for you. This was the second time I had gone to the this Casino. The first time I went I won $161.00 dollars on a penny machine! Wahoo! This time I went I set a limit for myself so that I would not spend all my moneies. I brought $100.00 dollars in and said to myself I would not spend more then $60.00 dollars.


I went to the Wheel of Fortune machine first becuase my mom always wins on it so I thought I would try it out. I put in $20.00 and lost it all. So then I moved to another machine and lost another $20.00. Didnt even break even nothing I just lost it all. So I decided that I was just not having good luck so I thought I'd just be done for the night.


As we walked around I saw a pink diamond slot machine... I thought to myself... I HAVE TO PLAY THE PINK DIAMOND MACHINE! I mean come.. its PINK! So I pulled out my $20.00 and said to my mom and Joe ( With a frowny face) " Ok if I lose all of this can you please give me milk money for the rest of the week?"

I put the money in and pulled once and I got nothing. I pulled again and I won $40.00 and I said that I was just going to cash out with that. My mom had told me not to that she had a "feeling" that I shouldnt.... Uhh ok mom. She pointed to the top of the machine and explained to me what it was that I needed to win the jackpot. I pulled again...

1 pink diamond...

another pink diamond...

and a THIRD PINK DIAMOND!!!!

I won the Jackpot!!!!

$9,595.31!!!


Yes that is nine thousand five hundred ninety five dollars and thirty one cents!!
I was in shock for like 10 minutes afterwards. People kept crowding around me congratulating me I just stood there like " what..?? what is going on?? Did I just win?"
When the people came over the asked if I wanted the taxes taken out right then or later, I was greedy and wanted ALL of it right then! So they walk out with a huge stack of 100 dollar bills. WHUUA??? I asked them" You really are going to give this to me in cash?" They said yup and made me put my hand out and I watched them count and put $9,595.31 right into my hand! Becuase they gave it to me in cash I obviously didnt want to walk around all night with all that cash expecially becuase of how many people sat there and watched me as I was being handed all that money. So we had to have a security guard walk us out to our car after only being there about 15 minutes!

This money is just craziness! Its like a month later and I still cant believe that I won! ( I know I am seriously slacking on my blogging)
Now that its a month later I realized how quickly that money has gone. Jeesh! I have spent a little here and there and a lot here and there. I plan to get another tattoo and I have bought myself a lot of new clothes and a new laptop and helped out family members... and some very lucky homeless people. But I still have a lot left that I plan to do things that I have been trying to do for years that I just havent had the money to be able to but now I do!! Yay!!!

That was the best night ever! And the best part about it is that I was wearing a shirt with Marilyn Monroe on it that says " Diamonds are a girls best friend"... Pink Diamonds were deffinitly my friend that night!