Sisters By Chance Friends By Choice

I must say... I have the best sisters in the world.  No one has better sisters then I do.. and they are not just my sisters but they are my best friends. They have always been my best friends. Even when we were little we never fought we never hated each other we were always so close and I think now we are even closer then ever. Even though Madi lives in California so we are not able to be together very often we still take care of each other and are always there whenever we need each other. No one can make me laugh harder then these those two when we get together we have so much fun. I love all of our inside jokes I love that we all have the same since of humor. I just want to take some time to tell them and the blogging world how amazing they are!


My sisters have always been there for me. When I think about everything I have been threw in my life all the good and bad they are always by my side. They never judge me for the bad choices I have made, they support me with everything, and they never leave my side when I need the most. I know that they will always be by my side my entire life I trust them more then anyone else in the world and they will always be there for me as my sister and as my friends.

MEAGEN:

Meagen is so amazing. Over the years her and I have formed a very special bond. We lived together for about 8 months and we had so much fun together. She is such a strong person. I look up to her in so many ways. She is so creative and I have always admired her for that. I wish I had the creativity she has. She has so many talents she is a great photographer and has the ability to make anything and everything beautiful. She has a way of making wherever she is living feel like home. I just loved the apartment that we lived in together she made it so beautiful. She has a strength inside of her that I think everyone wishes they had for themselves. Sometimes I dont think she realizes what a truly strong and inspiring person she is. While we were living together we both went threw very hard times in our lives. I just hope that I was as much help and support to her as she was for me. 

 Over the years Meagen has taken care of me in ways that has helped me so much and has helped me get threw things that I never thought I would be able to survive. I can not even express how appreciative I am of the things she has done for me. She has taken care of me so many times while I have been sick I could be here all night talking about all the times she has stepped up and took care of me. She has helped me recover after surgeries, she has held my hair while I threw up, she has spent numerous sleepless nights in the hospital with me but always makes it as fun as possible. She may not know this but she has a way of ALWAYS lifting my spirits as soon as she walks into my hospital room. She always makes sure that I have fun movies to watch and if I am allowed to eat she always makes sure that I have whatever sounds good. She has even made trips to 3 different places in one night just to give me everything that sounded good to me. She always makes sure that I have all my medicine, she has learned how to change IV bags, administer medicine threw a picc line. She always make sure that I know whatever I am going threw I will make it out of it alive. She is such an amazing care taker. The past 6 months have been so hard for me physically and emotionally. I had an extremely hard hospital stay in August and she stayed with me all day all night. She never left my bedside. When I was first taken to the hospital I started out in the Emergency Room at one hospital and taken to another hospital by ambulance. When she knew that I would be transferred she immediately went home, got me clothes, movies, and of course my stuffed pig that is always with me in the hospital to make sure that I was comfortable. She even beat the ambulance to the hospital to make sure that she was there when I arrived. She has never once questioned my pain, or sickness and when she knew that I was going threw a very hard time and in what we like to call the "dark place" she suggested that I get some help and start seeing a therapist and since I have been in therapy she has been so supportive and is always on my side no matter what. She is such a great caretaker and I don't think that anyone can say that their sister has done as much for them as she has done for me. She has been there to always defend me and stick up for me in any situation. I know there are times that I have leaned on her probably more then I should but she just always makes me feel safe. She has helped me in ways that she doesn't even know and I am SO grateful for her and her love. 

Like I said Meagen and I have a very special bond. We have a way of always know what each other are thinking and can always finish each others sentences. It sometimes freaks us out at the way we are able to read each others minds! I want her to know how much I love her and admire her so much. She is such an amazing person and I cherish our relationship so much. I am so glad that we have been able to maintain such a beautiful and awesome bond threw the years that continues to grow every day. I love you Meagen!

MADISON:

Oh Madi my love! I have so much to say about Madi I dont even know where to start! Actually I do. Let me just start off by saying that I LOVE her personality. She is the FUNNIEST person I know. Seriously.  She can make me so laugh so hard its amazing and I love it. She is so quick to make hilarious remarks and jokes it amazes me at how quick she is! She is also an amazing friend. Everyone who can call her a friend is truly lucky. She will do ANYTHING for everyone she loves and cares for. She is so protective of the ones she loves that she will always be there for every one of her friends. No matter what they need she will always be there. I am truly honored to not only be able to call her my sister but also my friend.

 I have to admit that Madi and I have always been close but Madison and I didn't always have the relationship that we do now. And the relationship and bond that we have now is so important and special to me. Even though she lives in California I feel closer to her now more then ever. 

Madi is such a strong person she can make it threw anything. I admire the strength that she has. There are things that she has been threw in life that I know that I would not be able to make it threw, and the way she has is truly amazing and admirable. Growing up she was always a "sort your own laundry" kinda girl but I know that she has changed since she was living at home with us and I love it when she calls me to vent or ask advice anything like that. I feel so special when she does that I love that she and I are able to talk to each other about hard things we are going threw or anything like that and anytime I am having a hard time she can ALWAYS make me feel better by laughing and always reminding me to not take things so seriously and that everything will find a way to work out. Even if it may not be the way I want it to she always reminds me that however it does things will be okay and we will find a way to survive. I don't think that there are many people in the world who have the ability to make people realize things like that and Madi truly has that talent. I love the relationship that Madi and I have now and I hope that we can continue to make our bond stronger and I hope she knows how much I cherish our relationship!
Madi helped me threw a very difficult situation in May. When I was out visiting her for my birthday was when I found out that our parents were getting a divorce. As soon as I got off of the phone I broke down and she was right there to comfort me. I feel like it was a blessing that I was there with her during that time because she made things a lot easier for me. And even though I got that phone call on my birthday she made sure that it did not ruin my day! She made it so much fun and did everything she could to take my mind off of what was going on at home. Like I said I am grateful for the blessing that I was able to be with her during that time. Thank you Madison you will never know how much easier you made that situation for me! I love you!

Madison is an AMAZING mother. As soon as she found out she was pregnant she immediately had this amazing spirit about her. She was such a cute little pregnant girl who had so much love for  Kelvin while he was growing inside her. I loved hearing the updates about her appointments and the growth of the baby and everything exciting that comes along with pregnancy. I cant even tell you how amazing of a mother she is. She is the most selfless person and the love she has for Kelvin is so beautiful. When she found out that he has Downsyndrom she learned everything there is to know about it so that she can always take care of him and give him the most healthy and wonderful life. She is so caring and again the love that she has for him is just beautiful. Kelvin is truly lucky to have such wonderful parents who love him so much and would do anything in the world for him. She is so protective of Kelvin and the bond that they have is wonderful. I love being able to spend time with her and see her in action! She takes such good care of him and he is just the happiest baby in the world! She has always been very mature for her age and she just makes me SO proud of her of how great a mother and wife she is. If I ever have kids I hope that I can be the kind of mother that she is. I hope that if I do have kids she will be there to help me out and teach me everything there is to know and how to be so caring and loving like she is! I love Kelvin so much he is the CUTEST kid in the world. He has such an amazing spirit about him I just love him so so much. I wish that we lived closer so that we could spend more time with her and her family but I cherish the times that we get to be together. Thank you Brady and Madi for bringing him into the world! I have the cutest most kick ass nephew in the entire world!!! If that smile doesn't make you melt I don't know what will!

I just wanted to take a little time and let everyone know how special my sisters are. I could be here all night sharing stories and great things about them! I hope they know how much I love them and how important they are to me. I sometimes feel like people should be jealous of how great my sisters are and how close we are to each other. Anyone who has sisters should always make time for each other and should develop great relationships with them. I don't think that there is any friendship more important and great then the ones that sisters have with each other. Like I said Sisters by chance friends by choice!! 

Let me just finish off by saying.. LOOK HOW BEAUTIFUL MY SISTERS ARE!!!

Insomnia and frustration

iNsOmNiA.... I HaTe YoU!!

My insomnia is making my life REALLY frustrating. Its really starting to piss me off. And tonight I have so much on my mind that it is making it 10 times worse. 

Today I had to go BACK to court (UGH) to ask the judge to switch my work diversion into community service. Let me just start off by saying there is a HUGE difference between the two. Work Diversion is very physical manual labor. It is all outside doing things such as picking up trash, cutting down trees, shoveling snow things like that. For 8 hours straight. Community service is basically doing volunteer work... working in libraries, hospitals, some office work, its all inside and not physical work. 

Now that I have explained that let me just say that having to go back to court is so depressing! Court is depressing! I want so badly to correct my mistake and put this behind me. Every time I walk into the courtroom I get a sick feeling in my stomach. It just reminds me of the mistake that I made and how badly I hate myself for it. Court is terrifying and being surrounded by inmates in shackles and having to go before a very intimidating judge for the FOURTH time is just depressing and I hate it. But I had to do it and I will be honest and say that I have actually been blessed with a very good public defender ( Its not the HOT one who looks like Ryan Gosling who I will confess Meagen and I TOTALLY have a crush on who  makes court so much better when he walks into a room.... Let me put it this way.. He is so good looking I would go out and commit another crime in hopes that he will be my public defender hahahah JUST KIDDING I am not really thinking about doing that but he is so good looking) Anyway... what was I saying? Oh yes, I have been blessed with a very good public defender who has made this whole situation a lot easier. She explains things very well and has done everything to make this not so scary! She did a great job of getting a plea deal for me and well... I wont go into more detail but she has made things a lot easier and has worked very hard on my case! Also, I have been very blessed to also get on the judges good side. I don't know what I did to do that but she is very nice to me and even though I am ALWAYS one of the lasts ones to go up and talk to her she never gives me the lecture that she usually gives everyone else who is there. Its weird when I am sitting there and listening to everyone elses cases and everything she seems so scary and I am SO nervous to go up even though my attorney does all the talking I just stand there I am so nervous to go up but once I get up there Its really not that bad because she is not mean to me or scary with me at all. So I feel like I have been blessed with those things. 

( I promise I am going somewhere with this... thanks for continuing reading this far.) 

But today I had to go back and ask for my work diversion to be switched to community service. When I was sentenced she ordered me to do 15 days of work diversion I was only able to do one. 8 hours of picking up trash gave me about 6 days flat on my back literally having to have meagen help me walk up and down the stairs, get in bed, brush my hair, everything because I was hurting so badly just from that 1 day. I knew that I just physically was not going to be able to do the physical work involved with that. I immediately called my attorney and she told me to call the deputies with the program explain that I have a medical condition that is not allowing me to be able to do everything involved with the program. I did just that he said that I had credit for 1 day and that I can either just go spend the rest of the 14 days in County Jail or I can go before the judge and asked it to be switched to community service. Okay well HELLO Obviously I am going to avoid jail if all possible so my attorney started the process of getting it switched over. She first tried asking the prosecutor if they were okay with it if they were there was no need for me to go before the judge. She never got a response from them so we set a court date. Which was today. I brought in medical documents including a letter from my doctor saying that I have fibromyalgia. Let me just say the prosecutor was SUCH an ASS! And if I had the chance I would have let him have a piece of my mind but had I said what I wanted to I am pretty sure my ass would be in the slammer tonight so I am going to get it off my mind right here! We went before the judge and explained the situation and asked her to have it switched over. She said okay does the state (prosecutor) have any problems with that? This guy stood up and said " Well, my only concern is is that she just doesn't want to be out in the cold picking up garbage. I think that this illness she is claiming to have may just be an excuse to get out of this and blow it off." So my attorney turned around and said " Well, to be honest I am not extremely familiar with fibromyalgia but I know enough that the cold does make the pain worse but this is not an excuse to get out of anything her illness is just not going to allow her to do the physical work." So he replied by saying " Well, she did one day and there is no record of her saying anything or complaining of pain or any mention of her not being able to do the work because of it." OKAY! HELLO!! Of course I am not going to complain while I am there I was told I would go to jail for that and what was I suppose to do go to the officer and say "Yeah I hurt so can I just sit in the van with you the rest of the day" OH MY GOSH!! So the judge actually kind of defended me by saying "Well community service is not physical manual labor like work diversion is I see why they are asking for it to be switched." And the prosecutor said "Well its your call your honor but I just think that we may be here in a few weeks with her saying that she can't do that either and is finding a way to get out of it."
I was SOOOO MAD!! I so badly just wanted to turn around and be like ya know what I would LOVE to be able to just go and do the work and be done with this. But something as simple as picking up garbage just about killed me. I would love for my body to be able to allow me to do the work that so many other are able to do. I am not trying to get out of anything I followed every step that I was told to do to make everyone aware that it is a physical illness that is not allowing me to do it. And if you were familiar with fibro AT ALL you would know why its not easy for me. DO NOT make accusations such as I am just trying to find a way to get out of this and I just don't want to be out in the cold and just whining about working. I was SO MAD!!  And I just can not get this off of my mind. It is just bugging me so badly how rude he was and the rude things he was saying like so much of it was just so uncalled for I so badly wanted to stick up for myself but I couldn't. It makes me want to send a letter and say everything I wish I could have said in the courtroom with just a few sheets on information about Fibro. But honestly it wasn't even the fact that he didn't think that fibro was a good enough reason it was the fact that he accused me of just wanting to get out of this and trying to blow it off because I just don't want to pick up garbage. UGH! SO FREAKING RUDE!!! In the end the judge ruled in my favor and gave me 112 community service hours on the condition that I turn in progress reports to let her know that I am doing it. I am going to do it as QUICKLY as possible she gave me until August 31st to finish it but I am going to get it done ASAP just so I can show that guy that I am not trying to blow this off I just physically am un able to do the hard manual labor. JERK OFF! 


If there is anyone that actually read all of that thanks for listening to me vent... Haha! I know it seems like all I do is bitch but for those of you who worry about my emotional mental status I promise I am doing better despite my anger that I just displayed! Thanks again for reading and here are some pictures that I wanted to share... They are of me and my awesome friend Sam years ago modeling for a Paul Mitchell hair show. It was SO much fun!!  Enjoy! ( And dont worry my hair was only that freaking WHITE for the show... they gave me a more natural looking blonde afterwards! For free!! Yay!!) Oh and also! I am flying out on Monday to see Madi and I can not wait!!

Fibromyalgia

Hello friends. Taking advantage of my insomnia and the fact that we have the Internet at my house for the first time in a month I thought that I would do a post on Fibromyalgia. * Warning: This post does include the F word once*

Fibromyalgia is an increasingly recognized chronic pain illness which is characterized by widespread musculoskeletal aches, pain and stiffness, soft tissue tenderness, general fatigue and sleep disturbances. The most common sites of pain include the neck, back, shoulders, pelvic girdle and hands, but any body part can be involved. Fibromyalgia patients experience a range of symptoms of varying intensities that wax and wane over time.

Symptoms of Fibromyalgia:

• Body aches
• Chronic facial muscle pain or aching
• Fatigue
• Irritable bowel syndrome
• Memory difficulties and cognitive difficulties
• Multiple tender areas (muscle and joint pain) on the back of the neck, shoulders, sternum, lower back, hips, shins, elbows, knees
• Numbness and tingling
• Palpitations
• Reduced exercise tolerance
• Sleep disturbances
• Tension or migraine headaches
• Multiple sensitivities 

As most of my readers know I have been living with Fibroymalgia for the past 7 years of my life. I have another blog that I started about a year ago called myfibrofight.blogspot.com it is about me and my struggle with Fibromyalgia. I will often talk about fibro on this blog but mostly I just bitch about how I am feeling really crappy and move on but today I am going to really talk about it. The past 7 months have been the hardest for me since I was diagnosed. Fibromyalgia is a very hard disease to live with. It is physically and mentally exhausting. A lot of doctors still believe that it is just a catch all for all symptoms that they can't find another diagnosis for. Sadly, a lot of doctors believe that because it does not show up on blood tests or an X ray that it is all mental. The pain and everything else that goes along with it is all in your head. That is just something that everyone with Fibromyalgia has to learn to accept that there are a lot of doctors and people out there that just don't believe that its real. So not only do Fibro patients have to fight the fibro fight but they have to fight every day sticking up for themselves and defending themselves trying to make doctors and others who may think the same believe that every symptom that comes with Fibromyalgia is actually taking over their life. Luckily for me, ( well I thought so anyway ) I have had a doctor who has not only believed that the pain is real but has also stuck up for me and helped defend me to those unbelieving doctors. Until now. I am not going to go into detail of all the problems I have had with my doctor lately but I will just share the most recent thing that has happened that has made me realize that he needs to be voted off of the "Holli Island." The last time I saw him my appointment ended with me holding back tears and having to hold back the urge to tell him to go fuck himself more then I have ever wanted to tell someone that in my entire life. Thanks to many months in therapy now I have learned different ways to deal with stressful situations and negative people. But don't worry I have an anonymous letter in the works! =) (Just kidding.. maybe.) After many months of he and I trying to work out a new treatment plan for me that didn't just involve him giving me pain pills his final decision was to say " Fibromyalgia pain is all psychosomatic and you just need to go to therapy to work threw your ISSUES and you will be fine." The first time since living with Fibro and hearing something like that I did not defend myself and my pain. After months of going back and forth with him on what to do about my fibro and my pain I knew that me trying to argue with him about it and what he just said would not make a difference. All I did was shake my head, got up and left... and in my mind I pictured kicking him right in the area that God only intended to be treated nicely and telling him to go work threw his issues in therapy to make the pain go away. Now like I said every Fibro patient has to deal with doctors who say things like that.. the reason I was so upset is because for SEVEN years now he has been treating my fibromyalgia pain and everything else that comes with it. For SEVEN years he has believed that this is a disease. That the pain is real, and he has treated it. And now all of a sudden its all in my head. And guess what.. for the past 4 months I have been in therapy working threw my issues and my fibro has not gone away.  That is not a treatment plan, learning to "Deal" with it is not a treatment plan, and going from being a doctor who is treating Fibromyalgia as a real disease to a doctor who believes that its all in your head is wrong on so many levels. 

I will be the first to admit that therapy can be a huge part of a treatment plan when it comes to treating Fibro. Stress can make your pain become a lot worse very quickly. It is very important for people with fibro to have things in their life whether it be going to therapy and talking to someone or getting a massage every week or simply having a pet whatever it may be it is very important for fibro patients to have something in their life to help with every day stress and to help with the mental effects that living in chronic pain can have on you. Like I said I have been in therapy for about 3 months now and while I think it has been very helpful working threw personal issues I  have been going threw since May and learning coping mechanisms that I have never had before I don't think that therapy that consists of talking to someone is for me. I would rather spend an hour talking to my sisters or lay in a tanning bed for 15 minutes that is more relaxing to me then talking to a stranger for an hour. Like I said it has been helpful and I am not saying its all crap its just not for me. But I 100 percent believe that everyone living with something that takes over your life like fibro does needs something in their life other then medicine to help with the mental and emotional effects that come along with a chronic illness.

The past few weeks have been extremely hard for me. Again mentally and physically. It started physically and then the emotional strings connected to all of this started to be pulled. I am very lucky to live with my sister who has been a huge and wonderful caretaker of me for a long time and especially the past few months. She is someone who has learned everything she can about my fibro to understand better and to know when the days are that I really need help physically and the days I really need help emotionally. The past month she has done everything to doing my hair for me on the days I literally cant even lift my arms up to brush my own hair to just letting me cry because I feel so bad for having to have her walk me to the bathroom and up and down the stairs and help me get dressed because I cant do it alone. She will always be my friend who will never leave me because they don't understand how one day I can be just fine and the next I cant even get out of bed. Just the other night she had to take me to the Emergency Room because my pain had gotten so bad that I hadn't eaten in days and became dehydrated so she took me to the Emergency Room and kept me company while I laid there and got better. While we were there the nurse asked us "So how do you two know each other?" and when we told him we were sisters and that Meagen is my ER buddy he laughed and said  "well its nice that you have someone who will bring and sit with you when you are sick like this" And I just thought about how right he was and how lucky I am to have such a great caretaker and supporter like her and how lucky I am to have someone who is so understanding of me and my ups and downs and will always believe me when I say I don't feel well even though I "don't look sick" While in therapy  a few weeks ago she asked me what kind of support system I had outside of my family.. I told her I have very few friends in my life that I truly love and mean so much to me and have been very supportive of me and always there during all my years of health problems and everything else in between. I told her how I have lost a lot of friends because they just don't understand what its like to live with Chronic pain. They don't understand that again, one day I can be fine and the next you are in the hospital. They don't understand how I just physically cant do everything they can because even the easiest things for them can be the hardest things for me. And I then said that I don't blame a single one of them for moving on. Unless you live with something like this, or you live with someone who has something like this you really cant understand completely what its like and why they have limits like I do.

Fibromyalgia has taken over my life. I will not say that it has ruined my life because it has made me the way I am and given me strength that I don't think I would have found in myself any other way. It has given me a chance to find who my true friends are. They are most positive and supportive friends that I know I am lucky and honored to have them in my life and I have found new friends that Fibromyalgia has connected us and I love them so much and am so glad I have them in my life. I cant say that it has ruined my life because it is up to me on how I chose to adjust my life around it. But it has taken over. It has taken away so much from me. It has taken away my energy, my spirit, who I was and made me the person I never thought I would be. It has made me angry, hateful and inpatient. I once thought that I would make myself a career out of dancing and spend my life doing that it was the one thing that I loved to do most in the world and I was good at it. Now, I can't even plan for tomorrow because I don't know what I'm going to wake up to. No matter how long you live with something like this there are things you will never get use to and things that will never get easier. It will never be easy to accept all the things that it has taken away from me and prevents me from doing. I will never get use to how completely unfair it all is. I feel in someways I am a strong person but another part of me is so weak and disappointing. I often feel like I have nothing to offer to anyone else and I don't like to bring new people into my life because I don't want to bring the burden that is myself into their lives. 

Because things have been so rough for me the past few weeks when it comes to my fibro I have done everything I can to try and get any type of relief from the physical pain and emotional pain that I have been experiencing. I recently joined a Fibromyalgia Support Group and it really is a great group. They are all fighters and have the understanding of this better then anyone else could have. I know this is going to sound incredibly selfish and maybe a little wrong but as great as the group is a part of me is also jealous as well. I am jealous of those that have great insurance and great doctors that are able to offer these treatment plans that have medicine and all these other things that I don't have and am unable to have. But when I start to think about that I just have to remind myself that maybe not all those people that have a good treatment plan and a good doctor have such great sisters like I do. They may not have good parents like I do that would do whatever they could do to make me feel better. They may not have a support system at all outside of that group. What they may have that I don't, I may have that they don't.

 I have a couple friends that live with Fibromyalgia as well  ( You know who you are! ) and its so nice to be able to be friends with people who understand the physical pain and emotional pain that this causes. I feel like we have a beautiful friendship that other people may not be able to experience because they don't have a connection with each other like the one that fibro brings us. It is so wonderful to have a friendship like the ones I have with these girls and the support and love we give and show each other is just amazing and I will cherish it forever. I just love them so much and I hope they know how much they mean to me! I also love my friends that don't have this as well because its nice to be able to be around healthy people who I am able to escape what I am living with and they are the most positive people and have the most beautiful spirits about them and I feel so lucky to have them in my life! Even the friends ( and you all know who you are as well! )  that I don't get to be around very often and the friends that I even just get to talk with over text messaging or facebook they are so amazing to me and I cant even explain how big of a place they will always hold in my heart. The things all these friends have done for me is not something that everyone gets to say they have had happen to them in life and not a lot of people get to have such amazing people and support and I cherish every single one of them and memories I have with all of them.  

I will continue to fight my fibro fight and hope for a cure. I hope that one day I will be able to say " I am pain free" I hope for the day that I don't say " I don't feel good" I will continue to help spread the word of Fibromyalgia to help people get a better understanding of it and if you know someone who has Fibromyalgia don't ever question whether or not they are actually feeling what they say they are.... THEY ARE FEELING THE PAIN and every other symptom that goes along with fibromyalgia. Don't ever say things like  " But you don't look sick.." to them..This is  such a tiring and hard thing to live with and I wish more then anything in the world that I was not living with it. But again I will continue to fight and remember that even though it has taken away so much there are things that it has given me. Friends love support and understanding for others are things that I would not change for the world. And even though I may not have a good doctor or a good treatment plan or any for that matter I have things that other fighters may not. I will continue to try and find a good doctor and treatment plan for myself and until then I will cherish and never ever forget all the support and love I have from others and you all know who you are and who I am talking about! Thank you!! 

   To learn more about Fibromyalgia click HERE  - Also to learn about what it is like to live with chronic pain and a chronic illness like fibro read The Spoon Theory HERE

Goodbye Norma Jean

Candle In The Wind

Elton John



Goodbye Norma Jean

Though I never knew you at all

You had the grace to hold yourself

While those around you crawled

They crawled our of the woodwork

And they whispered into your brain

 They set you on a treadmill

And they made you change your name

And it seems to me you lived your life

Like a candle in the wind

Never knowing who to cling to

When the rain set in

And I would have liked to have known you

But I was just a kid

Your candle burned out long before

Your legend ever did

Loneliness was tough

The toughest role you ever played

Hollywood created a superstar

And pain was the price you paid

Even when you died

Oh the press still hounded you

All the papers had to say

Was that Marilyn was found in the nude

Goodbye Norma Jean

From the young man in the 22nd row

Who sees you as something as more then sexual

More then just our Marilyn Monroe

Jack and Diane

I have a few things that I need to ramble about.

First of all. Yesterday, I went to Walmart ( Which I LOOOAAAATTTHHH) I HATE walmart. I hate the screaming children, I hate the parents that just let their children scream. GIVE THEM A DAMN TOY OR SOMETHING! I hate all the freaking zoobiez there that where there "Cougar Pride" or whatever. Ugh makes me want to vomit. I hate that you have to stand in line for EVER to buy like a carrot. I swear I could get pregnant and give birth and the line still wouldnt have moved. Where was I going with this....?? OH yeah so yesterday I went to wal mart to use the ATM ( So I guess this story has more to do with the atm not wal mart.... but any chance to express my hate towards wal mart im gonna take it) So I made a withdrawl of 100.00 dollars from the ATM no problem it gave me the 100.00 dollars and then nicely asked if I wanted to make another transaction. I pressed yes. I asked for 40.00 more dollars.... PROBLEM. It never gave me the 40.00 dollars! It just spit my card out and spit the reciept out showing that I made a withdrawl of 40.00 but not the actual money. What the FU? So I checked the balance and it showed the money was taken out. UGH so I went to cumstomer service and they said I have to wait until monday when the little bank inside wal mart is open becuse the atm is theirs. Seriously? COME ON! How annoying!!

How do people get so many followers on their blog? I follow some blogs of people that I don't know and I look at their follwers and good greif its like an entire army of followers and they have never even met them. Its like some secret blog world that I want to be apart of!

Ya know what movie always freaked me out when I was little? Once Upon a Forest." So creepy! And whenever I hear the name Cornelius it totally reminds me of that movie and it freaks me out. If I were going to have children I would never let them watch that. Uncle Cooornelius. .. Freaky.

I am at work and I am so bored and tired and the fact that I have to come back at 11pm and do another 8 hour shift kind of makes me want to either throw up or cry Im not sure which one but they are both bad. I may day of bordem. And my feet and back are hurting.. its days like this that I hate my freaking jack ass doctor.

Ugh whatever. Im going to make a bagel. Peace out

I am Human.. almost.

This past week I have almost felt human again. First of all I have started working on call at the hotel which I love... it gets me out of the house, its money coming in, and I never thought I would say this but I actually miss the hotel and the guests so much I just love being there.

Yup thats me working back in my work uniform.. and wanna know the best part? Is that when I left the hotel in July I was ( I am to embarassed to say the actuall number I weighed) So when I left I was... heavy. And now since I have lost about 37 pounds my uniform is SO big on me! That is so exciting to me knowing that I have lost so much weight! Even though it wasnt really a healthy way of losing the weight but whatever I don't care I like it! 

The other day I was able to go and get my hair cut and colored. Which I sooo badly needed. I had not had either done since May! My hair got so long and dead that it would hurt having to brush out all the knots and it would take forever to blow dry. So anyway I went and got it done. The girl who did it didn't cut it as short as I would have liked it but oh well atleast its cut and looks healthy again. And since I died my hair that dark brown it was at this ugly poo brown color and I really want to go back to blonde so I put blonde highlights in it. She said I just need to keep doing that and eventually it will bleach out the brown. So hopefully by Summer time I will have my blonde back like normal but for now I am okay with the brown with blonde highlights.

( I know my photo taking skills are pretty ligit... and also I am not sure why my fingers look like vienna sausages... I swear my fingers are not that huge and pig like. Sick.. )

Meagen and I have been tanning twice this week and let me tell you how GREAT it felt! I think everyone in our family has seasonal depression and I think Meagen has it the worst of all of us so I know that it helps her out alot.. and to my suprise it really help me feel pretty relaxed and being in the warm tanning bed even for just 9 minutes it really felt good on my muscles it was great! Plus I have a little color now so I don't look like death anymore! Win Win!

I got into work this morning to my suprise there was a pay check for me! For last Sunday I guess the pay period was not over so I got a check for the one day! I was so excited!! I have not had a check or money anything in so long that belongs to me!!

I was so excited I know 67.00 dollars is not much but it just felt good to have money of mine that I worked for again and not just been given to me. I have not worked since July so its a really good feeling. It makes me feel like a normal functioning person of society again.

Also a great feeling... I had to go and get my court ordered substance abuse evaluation a few weeks ago and I got the results of it on Thursday.. Take a look...

" Holli does not meet the criteria for substance abuse treatment."

"No recommendation for treatment is being made."

So for everyone who thought my mental breakdown had anything to do with an addiction problem it wasnt. And after having doctors and therapist saying that it wasn't as well I now have proof from a professional drug councler saying that I am not an adict. So thanks everyone for sharing your opnions even though I did not ask for it you can now go and shove it! Thanks!

Last night was New Years Eve and I had so much fun hanging out with Meagen. We had a Harry Potter and Zelda Marathon! It was really fun! I think we still have 2 Harry Potters left and then we are gonna go and see the new one! Meagen has already seen it but I havent so I am excited.

I don't really believe in New Years Resolutions so what I have decided to do is put the year 2010 in a big box... put it away to a place that I will never find it again and FORGET everything about it! 2010 has been by far the WORST year of my life and I never want to have to think about it ever again.

But I woke up this morning with dog shit all over my room so Im hoping that is not a sign that 2011 will be just as shitty as 2010. No pun intended.

I just almost feel human again getting out of the house to get my hair done and go tanning like I use to before my life fell apart. Just getting out of the house and being able to work is just an amazing feeling for me I almost feel like a normal person! I am really trying me best to get up and around no matter how badly I hurt and feel but I am on my own with my health issues so I have to find a plan that works for me. So far, No plan. But hopefully the year 2011 may bring a good doctor for me, a good treatment plan for me, and something that really works so that I don't have another mental breakdown like the mental breakdown of 2010. Heres to the New Year.

Santa?

Dear Santa,

I know I haven't been the greatest girl this year but if it's not to much trouble I would like to be placed on the "nice list". I have added a my Christmas wishlist in case you change your mind and decide to break into my house like the others and leave me gifts under our house plant. ( in case you get confused since we dont have a tree you can just pick any plant I'm not picky)

~ my court fines paid in full ( please include a reciept for my records Santa)
~someone to do my 14 days of work diversion. I dont think the deputies would mind I'm not that much help chopping up trees anyway. I'm not a trained lumberjack for hells sake.
~ a new laptop ... Mine has cancer or something and is no longer alive and kicking. It's more like dead and being used as a coaster.
~ all of meagens movies back that she has sold. I would ask for mine but hers were better and I just steal them. ( you cAn put me on the naughty list next year.)
~ a new doctor who has not forgotten about their oath he took. And for some certaint doctors to get a swift kick in the ass.
~ a great job for meAgen
~ free time for Madi
~ To have the ability to bark removed from tonka and marley
~ A life supply of sprite, cafe rio, and beef roman noodles.
~ A one way ticket to anywhere thAt is warm has a beach and alcohol and so far away that no one knows where I am.... And never to return again.

Merry ( Insert f word here ) Christmas.