Allix and Luke Fundraiser

My dear coworker Mikaela ( Well use to be co worker ) and her family are going threw a very hard time right now. Her nephew and Sister in law were involved in the herriman apartment fire that happened about a week ago. The fire started by a little kid playing matches. You can read the article from ksl HERE 

They both were severealy injured and have been in the ICU burn unit at the U of U ever since. My heart aches for their family and although I wish I could do more all I can do is ask that you keep them in your prayers and get the word out about the fundraiser they are doing for them.

The Fundraiser will be on Saturday July 10th In the Macey's grociery store lot (7859 s 3200 w West Jordan, UT) It will start at 8:00am and go until 4:00pm. It sounds like they have alot of great things planned for it. Here is the description of it that is on the Facebook event page for the fundraiser.

"Allix and Luke were critically burned in an Apt fire and we are having a fundraiser for them. Many of people are involved. Maceys has offered their parking lot, and donated 5000 hotdogs, chips, and drinks. Channel 4 news will be present all day broadcasting. We have many items to raffle off includingTwilight memorabilia signed by main cast members. Jazz memorabilia, gift certiciatcates, garage sale items, ice cream, baked goods, airline passes,and many other things in the works..any little bit will help allix and little Luke...The doctor says it will take months of therapy, and she has lost most everything due to water and smoke damage. We want to keep her at home with her son...If you feel inspired to help this beautiful family..please stop by maceys ...Thankyou to all who have stepped up to the plate to make this happen..Allix is still on a respirator and still sedated, but will one day be able to see all of this outpouring of love. Anyone interested in donating or assisting, please contact Janet Kohler at 801-688-9644...and there has also been an account set up under allix and luke thrall at Wells Fargo bank.., Thankyou for your love and support...xoxoxoxo"

Like I said I wish I could do more to help their family out but hopefully this will help get the word out! Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers and if you have time stop by there on Saturday to show your love and support for such a good cause.

Hope For Holli Update

HOPEFORHOLLI.BLOGSPOT.COM

About a year ago my amazing friend McKenna created a website and foundation called Hope For Holli (Yes, thats me!)

She made it to help get my story out about my health that has just continued to get worse and worse expecially this last year. Last April I went into renal failure becuase the nerves around my kidney and bladder stopped working. I ended up finding out that I needed a surgery to have a unit called an interstem unit placed in my hip to keep my kidneys and everything running.

My insurance will not cover it.

The unit alone is $40,000.

So McKenna was so nice to make this website for me and to help raise money for my surgery. I was so amazed by this and I have never felt the kind of love I felt when she showed me this. I could not believe it! She is such an amazing person and I can not thank her enough for doing this!

A few weeks after the website was put up my friend Bethany decided that she was going to help out in another way too!! She worked at a hair salon and she put out this super cute jar that had my story on it. She recently moved out of the State but before she left she came over and brought me the money people had donated! I was so amazed!! It was seriously such a blessing all the money she gave me was put towards buying my monthly medicine! It could not have been given to me at a better time. I never thought that I would be one of those people that has my face and story on a can or jar or whatever around the city but I am! I could not believe how much money she had collected! I was so greatful!

I just want to thank McKenna again for creating this foundation for me I love you so much and am so greatful for everything you have done for me and to have such a kind person like you in my life!

And thank you Bethany as well for doing that! I just feel so greatful to have such an amazing friend who would do this for me! ( And Ps... Lets give a congrats to Bethany for getting engaged recently!!!)

Everyone should have friends like these girls they are so amazing and I hope they know how much I appreciate what they have done for me and how much all their prayers, love, support, the money they have collected everything has ment to me and has helped me so much!!! Thank you sooo much girls! I love you!!!

I returned to a life that was not there when I left.

I just got back from visitng my sister brother in law and nephwe in California. I had a great time. I was so happy to see and spend time with them and live in their world for a few days. Help out with the baby ( Who but the way told me that I am his favorite aunt... he even picked out my flowers for my birthday while I was there.) It was a lot of fun to be there. . We visited the Jelly Belly Factory which was a blast... It was so cool to see how they are made and all sorts of stuff ... They had an awesome gift shop where I purchesed one to many bags of the Jelly flops. ( I have pictures but I'll have to add them later.) We went out to dinner, stayed home and watched movies together and had amazing meals and they were so kind to make vegetarian meals since they know that I don't eat meat. They showed great hospitality towards me and I felt right at home!

My favorite part of my trip was also the worst day of my life.

( And I am only sharing what is going on so I can tell you why my tattoo means so much to me now and more then I thought it would. . . I am not ready to talk about anything with anyone right now. You can leave comments I could use to blogging love but right now this is all im going to share until I have got a grip on my own emotions and am ready to share more for who ever may want to listen.)

I have known for a while that I have wanted to get a tattoo but I just could never figure out what I wanted. I always knew that I wanted to either get it on the inside of my wrist or the back of my neck. For a very long tiem I wanted to get the chinese symbole for either peace or courage..but I felt that those have become so popular they are no longer unique or anything,  I recently came across a picture of a tatoo that I found on someone elses blog and I really really liked it.

I decided that for my birthday I would get my self a tatoo... so we went in on a saturday the day I got into california and made an appointment for tuesday. I had given them the picture of what I wanted and said ok see you then.

The night before I got my tattoo my mom called to tell me that she and my dad are getting a divorce and she would be moving to California at the end of the week. I can't explain to you how it felt to have all those emotions come over you at once the feeling of just being numb and i felt like I could litteraly feel my heart hurting. Feelings of sadness and tears and wanting to throw up and another rush of anger emotions just so angry and pissed off. I don't know how to explain how heartbroken I am.

My sister was determined to not let that ruin my trip or my birthday. Even though all I wanted to was stay put in my little ball I was curled in and cry and cry Brady and Madi would not let this ruin my trip. They were so sweet to me they were amazing.

So the next day I went to get my tattoo Madi came with me and lets just say the tattoo artis and I didnt start out on good terms. When we walked in I told her I had an appointment made with her and she asked for the picture of what I wanted. I told her that we had emailed it to them when I came in and made the appoitment. Her response was " Do not tell me it was those god awful prissy stupid birds." ( I should probably tell you now that this lady was probably around 65 and a total jesus freak). After she said that I didn't see say anything back to her I was so pissed off and upset about everything any way I just blew it off and ignored it. So I told her what wrist I wanted it on and she asked me if I knew the person who I had gotten the idea from. I said no I do not know her. ( Let me say no that I did not copy the tatoo.. it inspired me for what I ended up getting but it was not a copy.) She then goes off on how I am sooo tacky for copying this person and how rude it is and that she didn't even want to be the artist becuase its just so tacky and the birds are just so ugly and small that there is no point of even getting them. She kept saying that She hates prissy girls like me that she has to waist her time on for some tiny little tattoo. After she got done ranting about all that bull shit I finally just said to her " Well then I guess its a good thing its not going on your body isn't it."

She said well can I please draw up something a little different and see how you like it. I said fine.

While she was drawning a friend of hers or another employee I don't know who it was came in and started talking to her and she tells her some story about how she is fighting with her best friend over money. When that girl left the artist looked at me and Madi and quoted something from the bible about money. She then started to tear up and said " I don't usually do this but I feel that I need to talk to someone. She goes on to tell us about how her and her husband have just recently divorced. She went into the details of it but I won't on here. She just started telling us how heartbroken she is and how hard its been on her and the reason they divoced was becuase of money issues and while she is telling madi and I this I lose it. I just started crying so hard... and she just stopped and looked at me and said " Dear, your crying.. why are you crying?" I had told her that I just found out the night before that my parents were divorcing and that my mom was moving away. We all just sat there for about 25 minutes... talknig took longer then the tattoo did. She finally finished her idea for the tattoo and I loved it.

The tattoo took about 5 minutes it went by really fast and afterwards she said " I don't know if this is appropriate or not or what god you beileve or don't believe in but I need to pray with you. She held our hands and prayed for me and my family. In her prayer she asked for comfort and guidence or us and to help understand and have time to grieve. She said that seeing us she could tell Madi had it more together then me she had her emotions together and she was a little bit stronger then me. She needed to stay strong for me becuase she could tell I am not handling this well. She just knew that I was ment to come to her so that she could talk to someone and that I could talk someone. Even if we are perfect strangers God knew that we needed eachother.

( I know its not the best picture and you can't really tell where it is on my arm but this is the only one I have so far)

She ended up drawing 5 peace doves. on the inside of my wrist on my right arm. I love it so much and it means so much to me. It shows each of the doves flying a different way and at what is going on in my life right now... 5 people in my family but now our family is seperating.

The tattoo means a lot to me and I am so glad that Madison was there to support me and let me hold her hand and let me cry for hours on her lap when I was told my parents are divorcing.. not just divorcing but that my mom left 2 days after I got home to move to California.

( Again that is all that I am sharing for now my feelings are still to new and raw that I need to deal wieh tthem first before I can share them with someone else but my sisters whom I love more then anything in this world.

Welcome to the Unknown

Does everyone have secrets? Maybe not even a secret but just things about them that no one knows about? And you don't tell because your afraid of what people may think? Or are there things that really are just better left unsaid? I don't know. Lately I have been thinking about things that most people probably don't know about me and maybe they do, I guess some things I just don't like to share becuase they make me sound like a terrible person, other things I am just embarrased and others I just don't like to talk about. I am trying to turn over a new leaf in life ( I know I sound like a broken record how many times have I said I am going to turn over a new leaf?) I have tried to turn over a new leaf many times and I just never do so now all I have is a big pile of un turned leafs.

I hate the feeling of not knowing who I am and what my point of life is here. I think that I should disclose some of these things that I don't like to discuss with others. Maybe letting go of these things that I may be ashamed of or things that I just don't like to talk about becuase I just don't like going back to that place. Maybe by doing this I can start looking forward on life and figuring out what my purpose here is rather then just being so focused on all the hidden things.

***Before I start I just want everyone to know that if you feel like what I say is a personal attack on you its not. I am not doing this to hurt feelings or anything like that I did not have an agenda to do so when I starting writting. This is not about my attacking you and if you feel like it is then stop reading. No one is making you read my blog. This is for me not you. Everyone needs an outlet and as of right now this is mine, so again this is for me not you. But I do apologize in advance if someone is hurt becuase of this I would never intentionally hurt anyones feelings.**

I hate that I no longer have people to talk to. I know that I have my family and they would do anything for me and are always there for me. They are amazing my sisters are my best friends and always have been and I love the fact that I have such different relationships with both of them. My parents would do anything for my sisters and I. Because we have never had any family outside the 5 of us we were always taught that eachother is all that we have and on so many occasions I have learned that to be true. Everyone has a family.. they have parents siblings pets whatever everyone has one. But one thing I have learned as an adult that everyone makes their own family. I don't mean when you get married and have kids and have your own family I mean the people you work with can be your family, your friends can be your family.  I use to have a great group of friends that love and adored me and I love and adored them. And the last 9 years of my life my friends have been people who also had health issues. In the beggining it was great to be around people who understood what I was going threw and that we could support eachother in ways that no one else could becuase no one else really understood how our bodies felt. They understood me and gave me support on those few occasions that I just wanted it over with I didn't want to fight it anymore where the thought of just dying would be so much better then fighting the sickness that no doctor could figure out what it was. But it got to the point where it became unhealthy for me to be around them. It was unhealthy to be around them becuase it got to the point where that was all we ever talked about all we ever did was lay around becuase we didnt feel well and talk about how we didn't feel well and I am not saying I didnt do it becuase I did but it just became unhealthy for me to be around other un healthy people. When it got to the point that everything was tit for tat I had distance myself from them. I could not handle the " My stomache hurts"..." Oh well I have already been throwing up all day." I had to get away.

It took me a long time to realize that I have a huge flaw when it comes to me being a friend to someone. Instead of just distancing myself and doing it the right way I just pushed everyone away. I got annoyed when I was around them I was rude I just did it all the wrong way. I know that there are a few people that would do anything for me and those are not those in my family but my flaws I now know are the  reason why all my friendships that I have left are at best acquaintances. But what else I have realized is that maybe people only need a few special people that have a spot in your heart and you have a spot in theirs. Its not about how many people you have its about knowing those people will take care of you and you will take care of them no matter how many flaws you may have. There at 4  people outside of my family who may live  far away from me who have taken different paths and journeys then me  in life who may not know it but they are very very special to me. These 4 people have helped me in ways that they may not even know it. Who look past my flaws and who help ME look past my flaws. These people mean a whole lot to me. Who inspire me, who I look up to who make me want to be a better person becuase they are so amazing and special. These 4 girls are just beautiful girls and I am so greatful to have them in my life even though 2 of them are so far away they are very close to my heart. Arn't these girls just beautiful?

When I mentioned about how Im going to talk about the places I don't like to go back to I am talking about when I was engaged. Although I thank God every single day that I was able to learn what I want and don't want in a marriage and a husband I hate going back to this place. But I feel that I need to find myself. Although at the time it was so hard for it to be over I am so glad that it is. At the time I never thought that I would be able to lift my head off of my dads lap and never be able to stop crying I just have to think about how hard it would have been if he had left me after we had gotten married. Looking back on that time of my life I wish I knew then what I know now. But I guess I never would have been able to learn this if he hadnt left and it ended. It is not often that I bring this certain even of my life up but when I do I never put the blame just on him. Yes he left. He packed his bags and left. He was the one who said " I'm done" But I did my part to make it all fall apart. And if I knew back then that I should have stuck up for myself when situations came up that HE should have stuck up for me maybe I wouldn't kick myself now thinking about all those situations that I should have stuck up for myself or I should have said that it was not okay for him to just sit back and allow terrible things to be said and done to me and think that it was okay for him to do and say things that should not have been said. But again I put just as much bull shit and drama in the realationship as he did.  I know that our relationship changed when he was diagnosed with cancer becuase he changed.... drasticly. . I am a huge believer that everything happends for a reason. I have said it time and time before that I know I was put into his life for a reason. To help him threw cancer. To help his family threw his cancer. I was the strong one becuase I am use to be around sickness and hospital and doctors. And it took me a long time to realize that I was never ment to marry him that was my purpose of being in his life was to help him threw cancer. The part of me that wants to believe that I am just a good person and I can put aside the bull shit that happend with us and put aside the anger towards him I want to be a good person and just realize that I did something good for him I was there at his bedside I left my family for months to be with him and help him and help his family. And if he couldnt realize how much I did for him then he is the bad person. But on the selfish side of me I hate him. I hate him for breaking me. I hate him for making me never want to get close to anyone and never let anyone in becuase of fear that this will happen again. I hate him for having a huge fear that my relationship to him is the closest that I will ever get to marriage and if thats it that just makes me sick.

There are things that I fear my future husband... again if I have one will not understand. I know that becoming an adult and having a marriage is about sacrafice I know that I know that all to well but after my engagement fell apart the best advice I recieved was to have 3 things in your life that you are not will to change or sacrafice for someone else. And if that person understands that then be with them and if they don't yu are better off. I feel like my family should be one of them. They are one of them in a way that my relationship with my family will never change, they mean the world to me. they mean more then the world to me they are my everything they are all that I have. . And if for some reason my family has a problem with someone who I someday may marry then I am going to have a problem. My familys opinion of my future husband or my boyfriends mean as much to me as if they were my own opinions. They would support me no matter who I choose to be with but their opinion makes a huge impact on me. Love is blind. Love can make you look past the flaws of someone or make someone that could be a huge mistake or a huge problem seem so small becuase the love is making the good weight out the bad. And even though it may hurt my family is going to be the one to see the flaws the bad and the mistake that could have be and they know and I know that even though it may be hard to hear that can tell me that and I will trust them and know that its for my own good and they will still be my family.

Right now I only have 2 things that I am not willing to give up or change. And my second thing is pregnancy. I am not saying that I don't want kids becuase I do want kids someday. I really do want to be a mother and to have kids of my own I really really do but I never ever and will not ever ever be pregnant. I will not go threw that. And this is something that I have said for as long as I can remember. I never want to be pregnant. No one can expect if their pregnancy is going to be easy or difficult but I do know my body and I just don't think that it could handle it. I could not handle it. For medical reasons I have asked for years for a hysterectomy. They have always said " You will regret it becuase you will want to have kids some day" No. I made the desision years ago that I never want to be pregnant. Just because I did not birth my future child does not mean that I can't be there mother. My sister has told me that if I wanted this option that she would be a suraget for me. ( How awesome is that?!)  My doctors have told me that once I get my kidney problems and everything taken care of we will look into a hysterectomy again. They told me to truly think about it... If they are willing to do it ( And they would do it for medical reasons not just becuase I dont want to be pregnant) I would say yes in a heart beat. I hope that my future husband will understand that I made the choice years ago even before my health got very bad that I just never want to go threw pregnancy.

              ( At this point of this post I just want to tell readers congrats for making it this far without clicking on the big red X or fallen asleep. Also, I want everyone to know that I understand that if you now think of me as the worlds biggest selfish bitch.. I get it and if you are thinking that its okay your not thinking anything bad of me that I don't already feel for myself so its okay.)

I know in life everyone has things that they are afraid of. May be little things may be huge things, I feel like my life is just filled with fear. My life long fear of being kidnapped has made my ocd out of control. My ocd of having to lock the doors at night check them so many times and I can't just look at them I have to litteraly fill the door knobs and the locks and turn them so hard to make sure that the door is shut all the way and its really locked so badly and so many times at night that I have blisters on my hands from it. And the ocd doesn't stop there. I have a constint fear of so many things and fear is not a good feeling. I have a fear that something is going to happen to my family. I have a fear of them dying or something terrible is goign to happen to them. If I go to bed or if I am going somewhere or if they are going somewhere the last thing I ALWAYS say to them is I love you. I never let them go anywhere or me go anywhere or go to bed at night without telilng them that. No matter what even if we have just gotten into a collasal fight I always say it. Sometimes more then once. Becuase if something happends to me or to them I want me last words to them is I love you. They need to know that I love them. I have this fear that the shit is gonna hit the fan one day and my world is going to be turned upside down. I just feel like everyday I have to walk on egg shells for my life.

I just wish I knew what my purpose in my life is here. When I was in junior high and I was healthy and active I really felt like I was going to do something spectacular in life. Something amazing. I knew my life would be one filled with excitment. I never was a good student in fact I was a terrible student but back then I felt like I had so many other things going for me I didnt' need to me a good student. Because who needs a good education to be a professional dancer. Back then I knew thats what I was going to do with life. In school I was named most likely to be a super star. My life is so far from that. I am not by any means saying my life is not worth living or I hate my life I am not saying that AT ALL. I just wish how I knew I got here. Well I know how I got here. I got sick. I got very sick and everything changed. 

I just need to know who I am. I need help finding myself and who I want to be and what I want to do with this life. Where I am now I have no dreams. Everyone has a dream. I need to find mine.

How long should someone try and find themselves before they give up and ask whatever god they believe in why he put you in this earth if you feel like you have done nothing and will be nothing?

Where do I start?

*** One more time I want to apologize if I came off as dramatic, throwing a pitty party for myself and how selfish I sound again this was about me I needed an outlet and this is where I ended up writting the unknown about me***

A New Port

I am really excited about this I don't know if its going to happen or not but I am really excited of just the thought that it may happen for me!

I went to the hospital last week to have the dressings on my picc line changed. Since I am no longer " Home Bound" from my shitty 3 weeks of bronchitas and some stomache infection I had to finally go back to work so becuase of that my nurse is no longer allowed to come out and see me if im not home bound. Anyway.  I went to the hospital to have my dressings changed and my skin underneath where the bandages are is just awful.. Its bright red and itchy and blistered and its beginning to hurt. ( Its going on a year since I have had this picc line in... ew) So when they went to flush it they couldnt get it to becuase there was a huge blood clot in the line. ( Which is really scary when you have a picc line in becuase it starts in your arm and goes all the way to to the main vessel or whatever that is right next to your heart. So.. clots. No good. So what they have to do is take a certain type of medicine and disolve the clot... it took them 45 minutes to do that! Yikes... So while we were doing this the nurse had suggested that maybe I talk to my doctor and look in to getting a Bardport.

A bardport is like my picc line but its in my chest underneath my skin... they would go in surgically and implant it ... when its time for my medicine its a special type of needle that they give me and i would put it in my chest right into the cathader and thats how I would get my medicine!!

I am so excited for this I really hope my doctor approves it.. It would just be sooo nice to be able to wear short sleeve shirts again without people looking at my picc line and thinking " Whats wrong with that girl??" No one would see it! I could go swimming and be able to shower without having to cover my arm up!!

Like I said I have to talk to my doctor about it but it just sounds so much better. I am really getting sick of the picc line and its not gonna be taken out anytime soon. I am still always sick and getting medicine threw it ..like I said its not gonna be taken out anytime soon.

The picc line has been great... SO much better then getting a new iv every 2 days so much better but if I could have something that was just underneath my skin and no one ever has to see it... it just sounds so much better!

A Bard port, also known as a mediport, is surgically connected to a large vein or artery and implanted under the skin, for direct access to the blood stream. Usually, if there is an issue getting an intravenous started on someone (due to collapsed veins) that needs routine and long-term IV medication therapy (chemo, etc.), they will have one of these implanted for easy access.

Wish me Luck!

Thats what she said..

My Comfort Items

Yesterday March 27th Year 2010 marked the one year anniversary of the day I was admitted into Utah Valley Regional Hospital for Renal Failure. And on this day I realized something that is so clear that now I don't know why I have not allowed myself to realize it before. In the past year nothing has changed. In the past 9 years nothing has changed. I am always going to be sick with something, am going to have hospital stays, I am going to have surgeries that I need but may or may not get. I am always going to be sick with something. I mean even when I was in Renal Failure and in the hospital I thought I was feeling better until they overhydrated me with IV fluids going into my body to quickly... You pushed your finger in my leg and it would dent.... Its always something. Its my life. Its not something I want its not something I asked for.. its my life. This is it. I am trying to make peace with that, and able to mean it when I say that its "okay" and that I am "okay." That this is me and my life.

( Dont you even judge me on how terrible I look... This is what Renal Failure does to you .... Dont hate)

These verbs mean to give hope or help to in time of grief or pain

com·fort·ed, com·fort·ing, com·forts

1. To soothe in time of affliction or distress.

2. To ease physically; relieve.

1. A condition or feeling of pleasurable ease, well-being, and contentment.

2. Solace in time of grief or fear.

3. Help; assistance: gave comfort to the enemy.

4. One that brings or provides comfort.

5. The capacity to give physical ease and well-being

Comofort Items are a huge things for me. I know it will all sound childish.. like when a kid won't let go of their baby blanket or when they won't give up their dolls. To me it doesnt matter what age you are or who you are everyone has comfort items. Whether it is a person, a blanket, or a movie. Everyone needs and finds comfort it one thing or a nother.

I have been really holding tight to my comfort items this past month as I went threw bronchitas, and then a stomach virus, and going back on Iv's at home which I find absolutely annoying. Not being able to bend your arm a certain way becuase it might kink the tube going to my heart, have to find new batteries for the pump every other day.. its just..annoying.


Anyway so I may have more comfort items or comfort people then most but I dont think anyone can have to many comfort items.


My Comfort Movies: The Devil Wears Prada, Joy Ride, Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood,Crossroads ( Yes the Britney Spears move.... Don't hate.)


My Comfort Drink: Sprite and Bannana Slurpees

My Comfort Stuffed Animal:

This little guy has been to every surgery, every hospital, every iv therapy session I have been threw. My dad got this for me when I was 15 and had my 2nd surgery. The pig doesnt have a name just... My Pink Pig. I forgot it after I was discharged from the hospital a few years ago I was so sad I thought it would be gone for sure.. We called and they had found it and my doctor picked it up for me. How sweet =)

My Comfort Person: My mom. She is always with me whenever I am sick.. spends the night in the hospital with me in uncomfortable chairs becuase she can't lay in the bed with me, or spends all night long with me if I am up sick she never leaves my side. Whenever I am in the hospital and for some reason she can't be there she always makes arrangments so that someone will always be there with me so that I am never alone. I don't know what I would do without her. I think that even when I am married and have kids of my own I am still going to be calling her at 2 am when I am sick saying " Mom.. Im throwing up will you come over!?!" She is always supportive of my desisions when it comes to my health even when she doesn't agree with them. I truly believe that she is a huge reason I have made it threw the things I have made it threw.

My comfort Tv Show: Greys Anatomy, Desperate Houesewives, and Saving Grace

My Comfort Doctor: James Woodmansee

He has been my doctor my entire life. He gives me so much comfort when I am sick he could tell me I had one day to live but if it came from him and he gave me a hug afterwards it would be okay. He is truly and amazing doctor and even better person. He sticks up for me when all the other doctors think that I am a crazy drug addict, he will do whatever it takes for how ever long it takes to get you feeling better. He can make you feel better just by enterting the room becuase you know that if he knows whats going on it will be okay.

My 2nd Comfort Person: My dad. I always get so frustrated with him when I am sick because he makes me drink a glass of gatorade every 40 minutes and he makes me take my pills that is not even helping so I just want to give up on taking it. He always make me do those things when I really don't want to but he makes me do it anyway. I do believe last time I was sick when I swear I had the freaking ebola virus I told him to " Stop being the freaking fluid nahtzi and leave me the hell alone." But after I got better I was so greatfull he made me drink all that gatorade becuase he knows how easy I get dehydrated and I was so happy he woke me up every 2 hours during the middle of the night for 6 days straight because I had a fever of 102 right after surgery it could have turned out alot worse had he not tracked my fever. He does those things becuase he knows I have to and he knows how important it is. He still helps me even when I refuse to eat the toast he made me and refuse to drink the gatorade he brings in. Not only does he help me even when I am being a a cranky brat but he will always sit and watch whatever movies or tv shows I am watching just to keep me company. He will watch the chick flicks with me and not ever complain. When its his turn to sit with me in the hospital he will always bring movies to watch that he thinks I might want to watch not the ones he wants to watch. He even stole Mario Party for me from the Pediatric Wing of Utah Valley Hospital so that I could play it when I got home. Any dad who does that is a winner!

Random Comfort Item: A hand. I don't know why people hold someones hand while they are going threw something painfull or difficult. I always want to hold a hand during those times. It doesnt make the needle in my ass hurt less or the news the doctor is telling you anyless painful or scary but its just nice to know there is someone there for you and only you.

Random Comfort Item Number 2: Flowers... I L.O.V.E. flowers. I think that more girls then not don't like flowers becuase " they just die in 2 days anyway" ... Not me... I Love them! No matter what is going on if I am sick or upset or whatever getting flowers always cheers me up... even when I buy then for myself... I love them!! When I was in the hospital I had sooo many flowers delivered from my work and friends my mom had to take a trip home every night just to take some of them home because we were running out of room for them!! I love flowers!! Gerbera Daisies are my Fav!

My comfort animal: Our family dog Marley. He is amazing... I think that every dog does this because meagens dog Tonka does it too... They just know when any of us are sick. Marley is always very calm and never leaves your side. He always keeps me company and never bugs me to go out and throw the ball for him he is such a sweet dog. Its really strange both Tonka and Marley have done this to me.. Tonka will always try and lick my arm where my PICC Line is placed and just 2 weeks ago when I had really bad bronchitas he kept trying to lay right on my chest and cuddle. Dogs just... know things...

My "Happy" Place: This goes along the lines of my comforting hand. Picturing your Happy Place does not make the pain your in hurt less but for me its comforting. My happy place use to be in the dance studio ... I would just picture myself and my friends Kacee, McKenna, Stacy all of us back in the dance studio like we were in 9th grade... But since thats not really possible for me to be back in the dance studio I picture myself at the ball park. I love baseball and I love Summer. There is nothing like the sound of a baseball hitting a bat. I love everything about baseball.... and I always love that I probably know more about basebal then most guys do =) Hehe... I just picture myself sitting at the park watching a game. When I am in my happy place I always like to continue to say to myself " This to will pass... This to will pass..." I know that for me when one thing passes another illness will come but it helps me. And its my happy place and happy thoughts.

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I am making peace with my life and how it is and has been. I am always going to have breakdowns to where I just want it to end because I am to tired to fight whatever it is that is trying to fight me. Or becuase all I want to do is be normal and not sick but like I said before... This to will pass. And when something new comes and I am not having a mental breakdown... I will kick its ass and take names... This is me =) Love me or hate me call me a whiner whatever... I will always have comfort from something or someone.

What are your comfort items??