Love to Hate, Hate to Love

Lately something has been bothering me. I don't know what it is. I can't describe the feeling. I just feel off. Like maybe I have forgotten something important, or I am worried about something or maybe its just the stress and anxiety of the Holidays being here... Whatever it is it is really bothering me. I thought maybe I could write some stuff down and it might help me feel better. If not it will at least have killed some time until I can go to bed.

Usually when I am in the dark place I know why. Something specific is going on that is bringing me down but I just can't think of anything. In fact lately I have been doing really well with life. I have been getting up and going to work (Which is no easy task for someone with Fibromyalgia) but I do it. I feel like no matter how shitty I may feel that day I work just as hard as the days that I don't feel so bad. Going to work makes me feel like a normal person. It gives me something to be proud of doing while living with the pain and sickness that I do every day. It makes me feel lucky that I am able to do it because a lot of fibro patients can't hold down a job. I am so proud of myself for being at the spa for almost a year now and I have only had to call in sick twice and both of those times I was in the hospital. That is HUGE. I really try to not be the sick person at work. I don't want it to show how hard it is for me to come to work everyday. I think I do a fairly good job of hiding how badly I feel sometimes but other times I just can't. But no matter what I feel really proud that I am able to work. Each day that I am able to come in is a win for me. I won that day.

Also after living in California for a few years now I have finally made some really amazing friends. And that alone has been such a blessing for me. I would say in the last 10 years I have lost a lot of people in my life but I've been okay with that because the people who are really important to me and the ones who are true friends are still in my life and for that I am thankful. I would rather have 1 really good amazing friend then a lot of fairweathered friends. And the friends that I have made here are true friends. Ones that I know I could go to ( and have gone to already ) and ask them for anything and they would do it. They are truly amazing people. I am so happy that I have finally made a social life here in California. And I feel really lucky that I have them in my life now. I don't think they know how much they have improved my life for the better and how much I love them. And all of you know who you are!

As far as my health goes the update will always be that every single day is a battle for me. Every. Single. Day. Physically and mentally. Every morning is a struggle to get out of bed. Having a job is so important to me because it keeps me going. It gives me a reason to get up and fight threw the pain and try to ignore it the best that I can. And some days I can do that and I can go to bed at night and think " wow.. I made it another day. I did not let my bad heath win today. I won." And other days I can try to find a single ounce of energy just to get up and make my bed and I can't. Those are the days that not only does fibro win but depression wins as well. Those are the days that I feel so worthless that I am just a waste of a body. Days that I lose every battle that I fight every day are just debilitating. Days that I have to cancel plans with someone because I can't get out of bed. Days that I can't walk or play with my dog because I don't want him jumping on me because it hurts when all he wants is to play. Ever since I got sick I have always said the thing I hate most is having to depend on medication.. having to wake up and the first thing I do is have to take a pill because without I may not make it threw the day. And when I go to bed at night I have to take a pill because without it I won't sleep. The past year I have tried a lot to make that change. I stopped going to the fibro clinic and I stopped doing the diet and that eats at me every single day. I stopped going because they wanted to start addressing some of the issues that are affecting me mentally and I am just not ready to do that. But I live with the disappointment that I have in myself for not sticking to the diet that really did help me. Not going in every week to be seen by the doctor and continue the treatments he was doing. But on the other hand I am so proud of myself because I have cut back on so much of the medication that I was taking and that was the main goal. But every day that I have to take those pills just feels like a reminder that I am just not strong enough to get off of everything that everyone wishes I could do. Its a physical battle and an emotional battle. But lately I have been really proud of how much I have been able to cut back on so much medicine and get a handle on that.

Some days I can look in the mirror and still be able to tell myself " I know I am over weight, I know I don't look like I use to. But I still feel pretty." Other days I can't find one thing about myself that I could say I like. And then that internal battle of hating to love myself but loving to hate it starts. I know there is so much of my life that I could change and it could improve I just don't know why I don't do it. Its like I want myself to fail and be miserable. Like I said I don't know what it is that is making me feel so worried and anxious and off but I hope I figure it out soon. Thanks for reading my garbage. Ok bye.

My blog is back, alright!

Hello friends, family, readers, and stalkers. I know I have lost a lot of readers because I took a little break from blogging but I decided that I am going to take a break from facebook for a while and just blog. I know I wrote a lot about the fibro program that I was doing for a while but I haven't been able to go as much lately because of money... or the lack there of. As in I have none so I have been trying to do things on my own to help with the fibro. Lately, I have just been working and I also joined a gym to try and lose weight. Which has not been successful in that yet. I just want to be able to use my blog as sort of a journal again its nice to be able to look back at posts and pictures and remember the good time and the bad. Things I had forgotten about that I had done or have happened I can look back and read about.

 

I am hoping to post every couple of days just about what is going on and how I am feeling. I know I have a lot of readers that also have fibromyalgia and its nice to know that you are not alone and there is people out there who understand the things that you go threw every single day.

 

If you are knew to my reading into my life here are a few things you should know. I type like I talk. I cant spell for shit and I don't use the proper punctuation and all that. I am aware and I don't care, and if you decide to tell me or correct me you will be banned from reading my blog. (Im not really sure how to ban someone from reading my blog but just know that deep down I hate you.)

 

Here are 5 fun things I bet you didn't know about me.

 

1. I am ambidextrous. I write with my right hand but do mostly everything else left handed. ( I also only know how to spell that word because I googled it)

 

2. I can rap the entire " Pimpin All Over The World" song on my own.

 

3. One of the Orem Owlz baseball team mascot is named after me in Orem,Ut.

 

4. I can dislocate all my joints. I am very bendy.

 

5. I have a mug shot. But only a few lucky people have seen it. And by that I mean basically anyone who googles me.

 

 

If all of that doesn't make you want to read about my life I don't know what will.

 

Well I am bored now and am going to end this but hopefully I will be back soon. Okay bye bye!  

Q and A

I decided to start my blog back up again I know I haven't posted in a long time but I have been bit by the blogging bug again. I don't even know if anyone reads this anymore or not but I always found the Q and A post kind of fun. So you can ask me any question about anything and I will answer all questions in a post! Ready set Go!

Comfort Items

Having an illness like Fibromyalgia you have to find comfort in anything you can. Becuase you never know when your going to wake up one morning but not be able to get out of bed 5 days later. You never know when a flare is gonna come or when you just feeling really really crappy and you don't know when you will feel better. A lot of people even the people closest to you don't understand what its like to have chronic pain. So for me when those days come I look for the things that bring me comfort the most.

 

MY PIG

My most comforting item is my pig. The pig doesnt have a name he is just known as my pig. This pig has gone threw just about everything with me. And it means the world to me because my dad bought it for me. When I was 16 I had surgery to have lumps on my breast removed. When I woke up from surgery ( which was one of the hardest surgeries to wake up to and I have had about 36 so I have some experience with waking up from surgery! Boobie ones are not fun!) But when I woke up and calmed down from being in so much pain I noticed that this pig was sitting on my stomach. I was like uhm... this is random? And then my dad said that he got it for me while I was in surgery. And it has been with me at every surgery at every hospital stay right next to me in bed I get so much comfort from this little pink pig. Anytime I am in the hospital the first thing I tell my family to bring me is my pink pig. In this picture I was in the ER for what we thought was meningitas ( again ) and I was still sedated from having my spinal tap. So anytime I am in the ER for something really serious like in the picture its with me! One time I was in the hospital for about a week and they transfered me to a different hospital I left my pig there. I freaked out. My doctor was nice enough to go to the lost and found during his rounds and get it for me and bring it to the new hospital I Was at. I absolutely love my pig. This is my number one comfort item!

SICK MOVIES

 

 

 

 

 

I have what my sisters and I call them " sick movies" We all have a couple of movies that we like to watch when we are feeling sick. Two of my favorites are " The Devil Wears Prada" and " The Divine Secrets Of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood" and last but certainly not least " Breakfast at Tiffanys"

 

My mom bought me The Devil Wears Prada when I was hospitalized for pain management right before I had surgery for yet another bout of endometriosis. I loved it. I cant even tell you how many times I watched it. I never watch it if Im not sick but when I am its one of my favorites and it keeps me calm. I also like it because its one that is just basically all talking so its quiet enough that I can fall asleep too. ( Except there is one scene where her cell phone rings 15 times yes.. I have counted 15 times. And for some reason the ring is super load and always wakes me up if I am asleep) Anyway this is one of my all time favorite sick movies.

Another one is Divine Secrests Of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood. I knew my family had this movie for a super long time and it just never looked interesting to me. But I had had surgery but the next day I woke up with what we think was the swine flu. ( My sisters and I call it the time I had the ebola virus it was so bad. ) And I was bed ridden for WEEKS.. which means I had watched pretty much every movie that we had. I had friends bring over movies for me to watch one of my sisters has over like 600 dvd's and she would bring me a new stack every day before work for me to watch. I was in need of new movies. So I decided to go threw all my familys movies and pick out ones that I  had never seen before. The first one I watched was this one. I absolutely LOVE this movie. Not only is it one of my sick movies but its one of my top 5 favorite movies! It was so good I was like really sad when it ended haha I think I even watched it twice in a row. If anyone needs a new movie to watch I would suggest this one! It is another one that is all quiet and mostly talking and has such a good story line and has some really funny one liners in it. Love love love this movie! It was really good and had me interested the moment the movie started and it kept my mind off of how I thought I litteraly going to die becuase of how sick I was! Also... saved the best for last" BREAKFAST AT TIFFANYS"!!!!!!!!! Ok if you have seen this movie you know why I dont even need to explain why its one of my favorites becuase its AMAZING! Who doesnt love Holly Golighty right?  This movie is amazing and also one of my top 5... even my top 3 favorites movies. Add this to your " sick movie" list!



I know a lot of people have comfort foods but when I am sick and in a bad flare or recovering from surgery or whatever it is a struggle to get me to eat or drink anything. In fact whenever I am sick I call my dad the fluid nazi because he comes in like every hour with a huge glass of water or whatever and stands there and make sure I drink it all and then comes back in an hour and makes me drink another one! Now becuase I am living in a different state whenever I am sick and talk to him his first question is " are you drinking plenty of fluids?" Haha I love my dad so much. And he is a hero to me. He too lives with chronic pain and has teached me how to handle it. I remember when I was 15 and I first got sick my dad and I stayed up all night long talking. He told me a lot about his childhood that I had never heard before, and how he knows what its like living with chronic pain, and how proud he was of me for handling so much pain and change in my life. That is a memory of my dad and I that I will always cherish.

 

I dont know about you but when I am sick or hurting or in a flare whatever... I dont want to eat. Anything. At all. I lose my appetite the pain is so bad that I don't feel anything else but pain so I dont ever feel hungry or crave anything I just dont want to eat period. My mom has had times where she has had to force me to eat. If theres one thing that I want to eat or drink when I am sick its usually gatorade. But I dehydrate SO easily. I cant even tell you the amount of times I have been hospitalised with dehydration. It only takes about 2 days of not eating or drinking anything that I am just done. I have muscle cramps, I have no energy whatsoever, I feel nauseated, I have no color in my skin my eyes are just dead inside. There has been twice where I was so dehydrated that my patasium got so low that my heart started to freak out. My heart rate was out of control high I felt like I was having a heart attack I was throwing up so bad You could like see my pulse in this huge vain in my neck I was put in an ambulance and taken to another hospital to be admitted. So Yeah Its a battle between not wanting anything to do with food or fluids but also trying to stay hydrated enough. Deffinitly a battle!

 

 

MY SISTERS

 



 

My two of THE MOST IMPORTANT people in my life. I can't even tell you how much I love my sisters. The things that we have gone threw together and the things I have gone threw they I know I wouldnt have made it out of without them. My sisters are the two most amazing sisters anyone could ask for. I really got lucky to have my sisters also be my two best friends. The top picture is one of my younger sister Madi and I and then bottom picture is of my older sister Meagen and I. These two help me get threw everything. We all love eachother so much but whats so great about them is that they help me in two different ways. Madi can get me to laugh even when all I feel like doing is crying. She has such a quick wit and is just the most hilarious person I have ever known. She is a mom so I have noticed that she is very protective of the people she loves. I know that she will always have my back and will probably kick your ass litteral... also verbally if you ever did anything to hurt me. She is amazing and someone I want by my side forever. Meagen is more of the nurturing type. She has been by my side numerous times while I was sick. She has taken care of me so many times I have lost count. About a year ago I was going threw something really major, I ended up in the hospital and usually my mom is the one that stays with me but she moved to another state so Meagen took her place. She made me feel so comfortable the entire week I was there. She never left my side she slept in the uncomfortable hospital chair every night next to me. She always knew what I needed and when I was feeling the worst. She has been a huge support system in my life I know that she will be on my side no matter what and will always be there to take care of me no matter how old we are. She is my person.

 

MY DOG FENWAY

 

My dog Fenway is deffinitly a huge comfort to me! He is always there when I need some cuddeling or just someone to listen ( No im not crazy I dont expect him to talk to back) I love him so much. We were ment to be together. He deffinitly keeps me on my toes but also gives me a reason to get up in the morning. I take him on 2 walks a day which is good for me becuase it makes me get out and get some excercise. He is such a cute little pup. Fenway is a chug ( Pug/chihuawa mix) I call him my little Love Chug! I love Fenway! I truly believe that animals know when something is wrong with you the can sence when something is wrong if your sick anything like that. I would recommend any one with any type of chonic illness to get an animal! They are just amazing!!!! I love Fenway so much I don't know what I would do without him!

 

What are some of your comfort items? Leave me a comment and let me know! Also if you have Facebook you can go LIKE mine and my fibro friend Rachelle and let us know what your comfort items are! The page is called Misses and Ms. Diagnosed

Thanks for reading! And keep fighting!

What fibro means to me

There is a contest going on for fibromyalgia awareness where people turn in photos of them or one they have taken describing what Fibromyalgia means to them. Now I am not doing this contest but I found some pictures of how I would describe what fibromyalgia means to me.

This is a picture of my sister Meagen and I. She doesnt have fibromyalgia but at the time she had a dislocated ( in her sleep! ) and was feeling pretty crappy. This was right before I was admitted to the hospital for Renal Failure. So I had that plus fibro on top of it sooo I to was feeling pretty crappy. So you ask what this has to do with fibromyalgia? Well, if you look at it and see the look on both our faces you can just tell how awful we felt and how desperatly lonely, and tired, wanting to give up, and just needing someone to be there with me I felt. Fibromyalgia can be a dark and lonely place. You feel as though people dont understand and you feel like you dont even know who you are anymore. Just having my sister there to lean on just gave me a feeling of comfort and support that I needed at that time. Everyone who is fighting the fibro fight needs that. Sometimes nothing else can help calm yourself and feel peace then just having someone there for you. People who have fibromyalgia and have pictures of themselves you can always tell if they are having a good day or a bad day and sometimes they try and put on a smile becuase you want to just keep telling yourself you're ok or just to hide how you truly are feeling. I am obviously not trying to hide anything in this picture. You can see the fear, the sadness, the pain and overall sickness. Becuase there are times where you feel nothing else but that.

But there are those days where you have a smile on your face becuase you want to remember how you felt good that day. Fibromyalgia doesnt have to be a negative thing all the time. We all have good days and a bad days and on the bad days you just have to remember that this too shall pass. You will have good days, and when you do remind yourself that you're okay. You can still feel like a normal person even if it is just for a day of half a day or half an hour. Appreciate the good days. Positive things can come from fibrmyalgia. This is a picture of my friend Rachelle and I. We both have fibromyalgia and that is how we connected. Ever since we met we have become good friends and we support and love eachother. That is very important to have and if it was for fibromyalgia I never would have met her or other people who are very important in my life and have helped and supported me threw a lot of stuff! I know sometimes its hard to stay positive trust me I get it. And its impossible to feel positive every day and no one expects you too expecially if you have a disease like fibro that puts you in chronic pain all the time but negativty can be a toxic thing. Try and find your positive that has come from fibromyalgia.

Remember that if you are reading this and you have Facebook to please like Rachelle and I's page. We really want to bring awareness about fibromyalgia and have a place of support and hope that fibro patients can go to. Thanks for reading and remember there is hope! The Facebook page is called Misses and Ms. Diagnosed

Reminds me to keep the faith

Lately I have been having a really hard time both physically and mentaly. I don't know what is making me feel so bad and just not myself but I am really struggling. The therapy I am doing is really hard on me... It might not seem like a lot to a " normal" person but to someone like me who has fibro it has been really hard. I was doing really good for a couple weeks and then I got sick with tonsilitis and I just feel like I have had a huge set back. I feel so much pain, feeling a lot of depression and fatigue. To help with the depression I have been doing some knitting to take my mind off of things. I really enjoy knitting and I have also kept my fibro fighter rock close to me to remind me that I am not alone. There is hope and I am doing the steps to start getting myself healthy again. I have given these rocks to my close fibro friends Rachelle and Janet and I would love to make one for anyone else who is fighting the fibro fight. Thanks for reading.

Surviving

It has been a pretty tough week. Sometimes it is really hard to stay positive while going threw something like I am going threw. Last week I got some pretty disapointing blood test results. Last year I was hospitalized for having very elivated liver enzymes. And on Friday I got my results back and it showed that my liver levels were at about the same spot that they were last year. I was really upset and I just tried to fight back tears and I was doing okay until the nurse that was standing next to me performing this procedure on me set the tools that she was using down and said " Ya know, I think we just need to stop here for a second a take a deep breath and try some hug therapy." I just started crying and even though she and the doctor are basically strangers to me it felt so good just to have them understand and tell me that its okay to cry and be upset. I have been working so hard and doing everything I can and doing all that is asked of me to change my health and to get a test result that tells you what you are doing is not enough is so hard to hear. And to be honest it is really scary to know that my liver is just as bad as it was when I was hospitalized becuase of it. They don't know what it is thats causing this they have done every test they can think of every blood test everything and they don't know why. I saw my doctor today and found out that I have tonsilitis which in itself is a step back and it a huge problem of its own. I am suppose to have my tonsils out but I keep having set backs... anyway.. I found out that the next step is to do a liver biopsy to help figure out why my liver enzymyes are so high. I know I have my family and close friends but even people who I thought would understand and support me I kind of feel like they don't really think what I am doing is that big of a deal and dont really care and that is really hard. So it was really nice to just have a hug from the nurse and the doctor tell me they are on my side and will do everything they can for me. It made me start to think about what it would be like to not be sick. How different my life would be, what I would be doing, the people who would be in my life and what its like just to feel normal.

I started making a list of all the things that sickness has brought upon me and taken away from me. But then I started to think that it wont do any good or change anything to dwell upon it. This is my life. Sickness has made me who I am. It has made me stronger then I think I ever would have been had I not gotten sick. There are a lot of people in my life that I never would have met had I not gotten sick. I truly believe that I was given sickness to live with to help others threw their sickness. I have the ability to connect with people and I have been taught by being sick that everyone has a story. You should never judge someone on the look they have on their face or the attitude that they may have becuase everyone has a story. You don't know why they are the way they are. You don't know what they have gone threw in their life or just in that day. I know that when I am having a bad day and feel really horrible I can come off as the biggest bitch in the world and you don't want to cross me but thats not who I am. People who truly know me know thats not who I am.. at all..My sickness and trials has had a lot to do with who I am today but sickness is not everything I am. I have a lot of other things about me that have nothing to do with sickness. Something I need to work on though is showing other things about me that dont have to do with my health. I know lately all I have been able to show and talk about is my health and I need to work on that. Thats not all there is to me, but like I said I am greatful for some of the things that sickness has given me. I don't want to be a sad sick person my whole life. I want to get better and let other people get to know what else there is to me and show them that there is more to me. I need to try and stay more postive and remind myself at times that there is hope and that there will be a day when I can start letting people in without feeling like I will just be a burden to them. Becuase right now I feel like thats all I am. I was watching the movie Georgia Rule the other night and I heard a quote that said " We can all survive, we just don't have to be so damn sad doing it." I think that is so true and something that I need to remember..

Reading over this post I feel sorry for everyone else who reads it.. its so random and all over the place and probably has no point what so ever but thats okay... I am writting how I am feeling and thats all that matters. Thanks for reading.

Evaluation Situation

So I had my evaluation with my Fibro clinic doctor. I had full body X rays, a neurological exam, I am going to be having blood work done on monday but I thought I would do an update on what I found out from the evaluation. And what I found out..... was a lot of reasons why I hurt like hell! As we all know Fibro is an invisable illness. It does not show up on X rays, blood work, MRI's anything. Which makes it very hard for people including doctors to believe that it is real. Well, again I say... its freaking real. However, I now have some VISIBAL issues. The doctor said that I have some obvious neurological issues going on but it could be caused by medication that I am taking. One of the goals we are working toward with this program is getting me off of as much medication as possible. So we won't know more about the neurological stuff until later. Also about a year ago I had a CT scan while I was in the ER and they found a cyst on my brain. We were told at that time that its nothing to worry about but my doctor wants to take a look at it and see if it actually may be something that we need to worry about. We are doing a lot of oxygen therapy becuase my oxygen levels are severely low which apparently is common in fibromyalgia patients.

So I did say that I wanted to write and update while going threw this program so I am gonna post the pictures of the X rays that they took and explain the visibal problems that I found out I have.

( I know it totally looks like those are my boobs and they very well might be.. he said it was just the shields they put on on my chest.... to me it still looks like nips. And if it is well .. whatever )

Okay so in this X ray as you can see where the red lines are the bottom of my spine is curving. So thats not good but explains why my lower back hurts all the time.

In this X ray you can see where the vertibrays are fusing together. The circles show how much space should be between each one and as you ans see the space around the bottom circle is much smaller then the top circle. So thats not good either.

This x ray on the top is not mine. The x ray on the bottom ( the one with the red marks on it) is mine and its obviously of my neck. The one on the top is an x ray of what a healthy neck should look like. It should have a curve in it like that one shows. My x ray obviously shows that there is no curve whatsoever. Which is really not good. Your neck supports your head which weighs about the same as a bowling ball. When you have no curve in your neck like mine your muscles are forced to support your head which causes a lot of pain becuase its a lot of strain on those muscles. It also can cause the ligaments to tear and scar tissue to form which an also cause pain. And thats what has happened with my neck. So none of that is good. But again... also explains a lot about all of my horrible neck pain.

Things are really hard. It has only been a week and this is so hard on my body physically and mentally. Suprisingly the diet has actually been pretty easy. I have not had any really super bad ( I mean.. don't get me wrong I would give anything to drink a fraeking coke right now) but it really hasnt been bad and honestly I can already feel the difference its making eating better and drinking water. There is litteraly only about 7 things I can eat. Lettuce, any kind of meat I want ( but I only eat chicken), grapes, apples, and cucumbers. ( I know your so jealous of my foods ) I will be on this diet for 3 weeks while I am taking all the medicine that is suppose to help repair my intestinal track. And then after the 3 weeks I can add a little to the diet like rice and certain beans and then I will start the medication that will help detox my liver. I know I said the diet has been suprisingly easy but its more of my routine that is really hard. I am use to waking up opening a coke or sprite taking my pills and then around 1 or 2 in the afternoon eat something and then I am usually done eating for the day. I will sometimes snack on stuff or eat something before I go to bed but I am really not use to eating 3 meals a day plus snacks and having to drink a certain amount of water. Its like my entire routine and everything is just being turned upside down and its really hard to adjust.

So after the evaluation the doctor has said patients usually work with him for about 3 months but he said I should plan on working with him for about 6. Right now I am going in 3 times a week and its really rough. I know all of this is what I need. I know it is I have no doubt about it. I have faith in the doctors and this program and I know that it will only do good and help me get my body and entire life healthier. I mean the way I was going I truly believe I would not make it long in life. I really dont. But Im not gonna lie.. right now the faith I have in all of this does not make it easier. Like I said I have only been doing this a week and I feel like everyday I wake up hurting and feeling even worse then I did the day before. I know things are going to get worse before they get better but I am just really having a hard time. The support from my family and my close friends are amazing. They are all so supportive and knowing they are proud of me and happy that I am getting the help I need makes me feel really good. My mom and Joe are amazing helping me keep track of all my medicine making sure I have everything I need. No matter what time it is they are always there ready to get me an ice pack or heating pad. They are also doing the diet with me ( Not as hard core as I am.. I mean they are have a selection of about 10 things to eat compared to my 7 hahah ) They go to appointments with me and there to give me a hug when I start crying because I am in so much pain the doctor is putting on my body. Everyone who cares about me is there to help and give love and support and I appreciate it so much. They are there to remind me that things will get easier and this is for the best. It will be worth it in the end. 

On days like this I just have to keep telling myself that.... It will be worth it in the end. I am hungry and in a lot of pain I am tired from never being able to sleep I am frustrated that I got sick in the first place I am just frustrated. But I am leaning on the support of my family. My mom, dad, Meagen, Madi, Joe, Sam, Rachelle, and of course my love chug dog Fenway. They love me and I love them and I have to remember that they want me around as long as possible and I need to do this to be there for them as much as they are there for me right now. I'll keep everyone updated in a few days. =) Thanks for reading! And for everyone who is reading this and also is a Fibro Fighter.. Keep fighting.  There is HOPE. And when I am finished with all of this I will be proof of that!

( Also, fibro friends, blog stalkers, family, whoever you may be if you want updates on me and also my friend Rachelle who is also going threw a very hard time right now you should check out our Facebook page misses and Ms. Diagnosed )

A Change Is Gonna Come

I know I havent posted anything in like ... forever but I am about to make a big change in my life and I thought now would be a good time to start blogging again. Im sure I don't have any readers anymore so even if this is just used as an outlet or journal thats okay too. But hopefully maybe I will gain some more readers and mabe offer some hope to others out there that might be in the same situation I am in.

Most of you know that for the last 11 years I have been suffering with the miserable disease Fibromyalgia. Since being diagnosed I have been having a really hard time with a lot of things. Dealing with having to give up the things I love like daning becuase my body just cant do it anymore. Losing friends becuase they were sick of me never being able to go out with them becuase I didn't feel well. Dealing with the doctors and other people who don't believe that fibromyalgia is real. ( Let me tell you... it IS real. The pain and everything else IS REAL.) Trying to find which medications work and which ones don't. Dealing with the stress and anxiety of not knowing what I am going to feel like when I wake up. Its been a really hard time.

Even though the last 11 years have been a hard time this past year has been the worst of them. The fibro is taking over my life. Its no longer something I live with its something that is stopping me from living at all. Its gotten to the point that I have given up fighting it and I have just let it take over. I have just dug a dark hole of depression that no matter what is going on I can't get out of it. I no longer have good days. Every day is a bad day. Its not longer just a physical sickness its become mentally sick as well. My body has turned on me and its attacking itself and I don't have the energy to fight it anymore. The only thing I do is take the medication given to me each day and live like a physically hurt zombie. I am just walking threw life I am not living it. Someone recently said to me that all the damage I have done to my liver and body with all the medication I take and have been taking for 11 years now I probably won't make it to the age of 30. I am 25 yeas old now. It stung and it hurt but what was even more frightening to me was the fact that I thought to myself " ya know, I don't care. I'm not suicidal but if something were to happen to me and I were to die I wouldnt be mad about it. Knowing that I could get out of the pain I live with then so be it."  The more I thought about it the more I was okay with it. This past year I have taken more medication then I have sine I got sick. I have let myself go becuase I know that nothing I do is ever going to make me feel healthy again, nothing I do is going to get rid of the pain, and nothing I do is ever going to change what I have to do each day just to survive.

I just got back to California after spending the last 3 months in Utah. Two days after I got home I went into a massive flare. Never had I felt more pain from fibromyalgia then I did when I woke up that morning at 4am. I had to call my mom to come and help me walk to the bathroom I couldnt even do that on my own. The pain and depression just got worse each day. I was having major panic attacks and I was lashing out on my mom who was only trying to help me. I was screaming I was shaking I was feeling so much pain and so much depression that I didn't know what to do anymore. As soon as I was able to clear my head a little and gain some control over my emotions I realized that I need help. I need help or I really might not make it to 30. My way of just letting fibro control my life and the way I handle it just with medication that sometimes isn't enough is not working anymore. I can't do it on my own anymore I really need help. I need a new way of dealing with and treating the fibro. And hopefully in time I will also be able to get a handle on the depression and anxiety and maybe I can get a little bit of my old self back.

So, a change is gonna come. My mom came across a fibromyalgia clinic right here in Roseville that has a 3 month treatment program specifically for fibromyalgia. It was kind of ment to be actually my moms phone randomly turned off and when she turned it back on it went automaticaly to her junk mail in her e-mail. She saw this email that said " fibromyalgia doctors near you" She opened it up and took a look and decided to call this office. She spoke with the receptionist who was also a fibro patient at the clinic and said that usually it is a 2 to 3 week waiting period but someone had just called and cancelled their appointment for the next morning right before my mom called. She said that even though I was in a huge flare and in a lot of pain I needed to come in so the doctor could see me at my worst. We went in the next day and had a consultation with one of the doctors who are apart of this program and he knew immediatly that I needed help. He said that he could tell just by looking at me that I was in pain and that I have obvious nurological things going on by the way my eye lids flutter when I close my eyes. He took my pulse and said that my heart was just racing which is something that happends when your body is in pain. I was shaking and crying and just so emotional. He explained what the treatment program entails and I had some concerns but after expressing those concerns he talked threw everything with me and I knew I was ready to make a change.

Like I said its a 3 month program and it has 3 doctors that are apart of the treatment. There is a neurologist, an MD, and a chiropractor. They make changes to your diet which I know is going to be hard for me but it will be worth it. They do all kinds of blood work to look for auto immune diseases and other things that may not be related to fibro and they can do what needs to be done to take care of those other issues to improve your health. They do full body X rays to make sure everything is the way it should be. With my familys medical history there is a lot of genetic stuff that I could very possibly be on my way to getting or already have it. They do oxygen therapy, chiropratic therapy, detoxing of the liver and intestinal track to get rid of all the toxins my body has from all the medication I have been taking for years. I will go 3 times a week for 3 months and hopefully by the end of 3 months I will hopefully be off of a lot of the medication, I will have learned how to manage my pain and diet, and be able to learn to live with fibro a healthy and safe way.

I go in on Monday morning to get the blood tests and x rays and exams done and then go from there. I know its going to be extremely hard but I know it needs to be done. Like I said I need help and I need a change. My family is very supportive and they all said that they are glad I finally realise that I need some help and they are proud of me. That means a lot to me and knowing I have their support makes me want to do this not just for me but for them as well. I know I have put them threw hell when I take everything out on them even though they have done nothing wrong and don't deserve it. I am really looking forward to starting this and ready to start feeling better and living as healthy as I can. Im ready to accept the help and accept the change that is about to come to my life. I wanted to start blogging again becuase I know I have a lot of fibro friends that hopefully read my blog and I can give them hope and let them know that they are not alone. A change is gonna come and I am ready for it!

Anyone who is interested in hearing more about the program can go to this link HERE and watch the video.

My brain is depressed

 I have started a post everyday this week while at work, and I never know how to get it started. There is a lot I want to write about but I never know how to actually put it all together. I think I will just do a list of things that are on my mind.

• I feel very homesick. I feel at home where I am its just I miss my comfort zone. I am not familiar with California and its hard to work in a place where people expect you to be because they are not. I don't know where anything is and its very frustrating. Since I don't have my car out here I feel like a 14 year old having to have my mom drive me everywhere. I hate it. I know that if I were the one driving I would be able to learn my away around more but if I'm not driving I'm not paying attention. ( I know I can change that, and I'm working on it.) I don't know anyone which is also very hard. I have no friends here and I feel like the few people that I do know ( The people that I work with) are just co-workers and I don't really know them and to be honest they have no clue as of to who I really am. I miss my dad and Meagen, and even though I wouldnt go out with my friends that often it was still nice to know that there were people that really know who I am and I really know who they are. That I can trust and actually call friends.  I get to see Madi which is nice but she lives like an hour away so its not very often but when I do get to see her it always cheers me up. I am just very lonely and having a hard time. I just wish I had a comfort zone here. I miss that.
• I am very tired of my job. I am doing the exact same thing I have been doing for the past 8 years. Everyday is the same. Nothing changes. Same people, same paperwork, same system. I know the system like the back of my hand I know exactly what I am doing but yet somedays I stare at the screen and litteraly have no idea what to do next. I leave everyday feeling like I have made mistakes when I know I havent. I know that I do a job that a monkey could do maybe this is my brains way of telling me that its sick of doing the same thing. I am to much of a chicken shit to just go out and look for something new. And by something new I mean something that is not a hotel and has nothing to do with Hilton. Everytime I think about starting to look for something else I remember that starting November 1st I have health insurance again. I just don't know which is more important health insurance or happiness. Probably with my shitty health its health insurance.
• I had 10 thousand dollars 4 months ago... where the hell did it go?
• I started weight watchers and in the first week I lost 5 pounds! Woo!! I weigh in again tomorrow I am hoping that I have lost some more! I really like the program and I am enjoying doing it. I like that I can still eat whatever I want I just can't go over my points for the day!
• I feel like a failure. I feel like I failed in Utah so I thought moving to California would be a nice way to start over and try again somewhere new. I feel like someone has pushed the pause button on my life. I was really hoping that by now I would feel like I have started my life over in california but I am in the exact same position I was in when I got here. Its really frustrating to feel like such a failure.
• I think I am going to go back to therapy. I feel like I have started to forget things that I have learned and I have started getting into old routines that I worked hard on to change.

I am kind of sick of making this list now so I am going to be done. . . What a depressing life.

Tattoo Help

Okay.. I need some help. I am planning on getting a tattoo with the money that I won at the casino. Everyone knows how much I LOVE Marilyn Monroe so I am going to be getting a quote by her as this tattoo. I have some many favorites that I need some help choosing which one to actually get. I have decided I want the tattoo on my foot, but there is a longer quote that I really like and if I were to get that one I don't think it would fit on my foot so I thought maybe the back of my shoulder? Anyway I think I have it narrowed down to a few that I really like but I need to choose one. I am going to number them and put them into a poll so you can all vote. You can also just leave me a comment on this post or leave a comment on the link to this post that will be on my facebook page. However you want to do it please let me know which one you like the best. Becuase I won the money on a pink diamond slot machine I am going to dot the "I" in Marilyns name with a diamond to always remember winning the money. =) Here are the choices:

NUMBER ONE: " A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left" - Marilyn Monroe

NUMBER TWO: " Beneath the make up and behind the smile I am just a girl who wishes for the world"- Marilyn Monroe

NUMBER THREE: " We are all of us stars, and we deserve to twinkle" - Marilyn Monroe

NUMBER FOUR: " I am good but not an angel, I do sin but I am not the devil, I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love" - Marilyn Monroe

NUMBER FIVE: " I believe that everything happens for a reason, people change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so that you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together" - Marilyn Monroe

If any of you know of other Marilyn quotes that you think I may like let me know! Thanks everyone for your help!

I'm Sensative

I've been told that this song describes me perfectly..What do you think?

I'm Sensative

Jewel:

I was thinking that I might fly today

Just to disprove all the things that you say

It doesn't take a talent to be mean

Your words can crush things that are unseen

CHROUS: So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive

And I'd like to stay that way

You always tell me that it's impossible

To be respected, and be a girl

Why's it gotta be so complicated

Why you gotta tell me if I'm hated

CHROUS: So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive

And I'd like to stay that way

I was thinking, that it might do some good

If we robbed the cynics and took all their food

That way what they believe will have taken place

And we can give it people who have some faith

CHROUS: So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive

And I'd like to stay that way

I have this theory, that if we're told we're bad

Then that's the only idea we'll ever have

But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty

Someday we will become what we see

'Cause anyone can start a conflict

it's harder yet to disregard it

I'd rather see the world from another angle

We are everyday angels

Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way

New Hotel Blog!

Ready for some totally AMAZEBALLZ news? Here it is....

I have created a new blog!

http://hollishotelhorrorstories.blogspot.com/

I decided that with all my years of working in a hotel its time to share some of the crazy and insane stories that I have experienced with guests, co-workers, and also employees of hotels that I have been the guest at. I am really excited about this! I hope that everyone has fun reading all my crazy stories that I am going to share! Be excited! Be Be Be Excited! ( Yes I did just cheer...what of it?)

Pink Diamond Slots!

I went to the Thunder Valley Casino a few weeks ago, and I won BIG TIME!!
Let me set the scene for you. This was the second time I had gone to the this Casino. The first time I went I won $161.00 dollars on a penny machine! Wahoo! This time I went I set a limit for myself so that I would not spend all my moneies. I brought $100.00 dollars in and said to myself I would not spend more then $60.00 dollars.


I went to the Wheel of Fortune machine first becuase my mom always wins on it so I thought I would try it out. I put in $20.00 and lost it all. So then I moved to another machine and lost another $20.00. Didnt even break even nothing I just lost it all. So I decided that I was just not having good luck so I thought I'd just be done for the night.


As we walked around I saw a pink diamond slot machine... I thought to myself... I HAVE TO PLAY THE PINK DIAMOND MACHINE! I mean come.. its PINK! So I pulled out my $20.00 and said to my mom and Joe ( With a frowny face) " Ok if I lose all of this can you please give me milk money for the rest of the week?"

I put the money in and pulled once and I got nothing. I pulled again and I won $40.00 and I said that I was just going to cash out with that. My mom had told me not to that she had a "feeling" that I shouldnt.... Uhh ok mom. She pointed to the top of the machine and explained to me what it was that I needed to win the jackpot. I pulled again...

1 pink diamond...

another pink diamond...

and a THIRD PINK DIAMOND!!!!

I won the Jackpot!!!!

$9,595.31!!!


Yes that is nine thousand five hundred ninety five dollars and thirty one cents!!
I was in shock for like 10 minutes afterwards. People kept crowding around me congratulating me I just stood there like " what..?? what is going on?? Did I just win?"
When the people came over the asked if I wanted the taxes taken out right then or later, I was greedy and wanted ALL of it right then! So they walk out with a huge stack of 100 dollar bills. WHUUA??? I asked them" You really are going to give this to me in cash?" They said yup and made me put my hand out and I watched them count and put $9,595.31 right into my hand! Becuase they gave it to me in cash I obviously didnt want to walk around all night with all that cash expecially becuase of how many people sat there and watched me as I was being handed all that money. So we had to have a security guard walk us out to our car after only being there about 15 minutes!

This money is just craziness! Its like a month later and I still cant believe that I won! ( I know I am seriously slacking on my blogging)
Now that its a month later I realized how quickly that money has gone. Jeesh! I have spent a little here and there and a lot here and there. I plan to get another tattoo and I have bought myself a lot of new clothes and a new laptop and helped out family members... and some very lucky homeless people. But I still have a lot left that I plan to do things that I have been trying to do for years that I just havent had the money to be able to but now I do!! Yay!!!

That was the best night ever! And the best part about it is that I was wearing a shirt with Marilyn Monroe on it that says " Diamonds are a girls best friend"... Pink Diamonds were deffinitly my friend that night!

A family thats FORD tough

My heart goes out to the Ford family during this difficult time for them. I could go on and on about him and how truly amazing he was. He was there for me during difficult times in my life and was always able to make me smile when I thought it was impossible. I will always cherish the friendship I had with him and the times that we spent together. I will never forget the mornings he would cut school and come to my house to watch music videos with me because I was home sick and lonely. He would always be there to keep me company, watch movies with me or just talk whenever I needed a friend. He would always protect me and was always by his friend's sides no matter what. I know there were days I would not have been able to make it threw without him and his kindness and ways to make even the darkest days seem bright . Scotty will always have a place in my heart that will never be forgotten and I will always cherish his friendship and everything he had done for me. I feel honored and greatfull to have known him and had him in my life. Rest In Peace Scotty. We all love and miss you.

Scotty's Obituarie

http://m.heraldextra.com/lifestyles/announcements/obituaries/article_f9d0a603-2504-585e-8288-78eeade39738.html



Scott G. Ford
1988 ~ 2011
Scott G Ford, age 23, passed away on July 22, 2011, returning home to his Heavenly Father.
He was born on July 7, 1988 in Provo, Utah to Derin and Lisa Ford. He was a sweet and happy little boy. He attended Orem Elementary, Lakeridge Junior High and Mountain View High School. He had a passion for sports. He loved baseball, wrestling, football, wakeboarding and snowboarding. He also loved to dance. Scotty was extremely dedicated to keeping fit and motivating others to do the same. He pushed himself to excel in all that he did. He loved a new challenge.
Scotty loved life. He had so much compassion for those who were hurting. He had the most sensitive and tender heart, and with that, a quiet inner strength. He had so much insight regarding the things most important in life. He had an unmistakable and infectious laugh. Scotty was a loyal and true friend to everyone who knew him. His brothers Curt and Mitch, however, were unquestionably his closest allies and friends. They had a bond unlike any other.
He is survived by his parents, Lisa and Derin Ford, brother Mitch and his wife Christine and their children Hudson and Demi; brother Curt and his wife Cassie and their children Hallie, Mayzie, and Dirk; grandparents John and Joan Ford and Glenn and Colleen Mott. He is also survived by numerous aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. He was loved and adored by them all. He was preceded in death by his close cousin Ryan Ford.
Viewing will be Friday, July 29th from 6-8pm at Sundberg Olpin Mortuary located at 495 South State Street in Orem. There will be another viewing prior to the funeral, Saturday, July 30th from 10:30 to 11:45 am at the Canyon View Stake Center, located at 575 E. 800 N. in Orem. The funeral service will begin at noon. Interment will be at the Orem City Cemetery. Condolences may be sent to the family at www.sundbergolpinmortuary.com
The Ford family would like to express their deepest, heartfelt gratitude for the outpouring of love and support they have received from their family and friends. We have felt your love for Scotty.
Scotty, we feel you with us and we'll see you soon. Save us a spot on the roster.


I love that personal note: "Save us a spot on the roster"...amazing. Here is an article written by Neil Warner. I know him and his family and I am touched by what he had wrote about Scotty and his family.

A FAMILY THATS FORD TOUGH

http://www.heraldextra.com/sports/blogs/neil-warner/article_cf8d1b1c-b8d5-11e0-985e-001cc4c002e0.html

I was at a concert when my phone buzzed and a text came in. 'Did you hear about Scott Ford?'
When you get a text like that it's usually bad news.
I hoped it was referring to the success of Scott Ford's summer sales or that he was going to join his older brothers Mitch and Curt for a baseball tournament.
Nope.
He was on life support.
Turns out Scotty was already gone.
The life of a 23-year-old had been robbed. Stolen before its time.
The news was received like i was running down the field on a kickoff return and was blindsided.
There was not enough air to breath. The shock of this tragedy has not faded since the news broke last week.
Death can be like lightning strikes. They are all around you- always hitting objects that are out of sight.
That is until the lighting scores a direct hit.
Derin and Lisa Ford are one of the class families in Utah. I have covered all three of their sons when they played (football and baseball) at Mountain View High School, and I have played in many baseball tournaments with Derin.
They are a close family, who have been tied together by baseball over the years. I love them and I know so many people in this community feel the same way I do.
What makes this so difficult to accept was the way it happened. Scotty was killed (run over) by a vehicle after an altercation while working in Mississippi. Now there will be legal action and court dates to follow. At some point the family must deal with the tug of war they will have with vengeance and forgiveness. Pain will continue as the judgement comes down on the person who took Scotty's life. The Ford family, who have been built Ford tough, will be tested.
Those who know the family are now only left with memories. I remember watching Scotty as a little second baseman on the Orem Thunder Super League team when he was in junior high. He played with my son and we spent many summer weekends watching them play in baseball tournaments out of state. Those memories are so easy to recall.
We can't do anything about what happened, but what we can do is show the Ford family that we care. Love does not have to be silent, It can be and should be communicated.
There is a viewing on Friday and the funeral will be on Saturday at Noon in Orem.
So many people have told me 'I don't know what to say.' I'm a writer and I can't think of the right words to say either. Perhaps what matters most now is that we support the family and let them know that life does not end here and neither does the love we have for each other.

Scotty Ford

 Rest in Peace my friend. You will be missed and never forgotten.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure...

After 900 stops (okay more like 2 but it felt like 900.) I finally made it to California for the summer. It was a hard decision for me to choose to come here but as I was sitting on the plane I realized that it was the right decision.


It was a hard decision for me for a lot of reasons. I didnt know what would be easier for everyone involed. Would it be easier for Meagen and my dad if I was not there. One less mouth to feed, Wouldnt have to worry about Meagen and I having to share a car, things like that. But it was so so hard to leave Meagen and my dad. Since its just been the 3 of us for a year now I feel like we have developed a new bond with eachother after being threw what we have been threw together. I felt like I needed to stay and help Meagen with everything going on there and start working again to be able to pay rent and bills. I felt like I was just leaving them and thinking about if I am causing more problems by not being there to help with things. It was hard for me to think about how things would be in California as well. Even though I was told I was welcome to stay and get a job but there is always this feeling of me overstaying my welcome, and being an inconvience.  It was like either place I would be at I felt like I may be an inconvience. Because that is just the way I think....Apparently therapy did not heal me of everything.


I know this may sound weird but as I was sitting on the plane something that was said hit me and made me realize I was making the right choice. Because my plane had to stop in Vegas, Burbank, and then my final stop Sacramento I took off 3 different times. And each time new people came on so the flight attendants made their speech about the exits and what to do in an emergency water landing and blah blah blah. During their speech they explained that in the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure that oxygen masks will fall from above you and that you should always put yours on first before helping others. And after the third time of hearing that it finally became clear to me. Take care of yourself before helping others.
For the past year I have been so worried about others and helping take care of others that I have been un happy. People would tell me " Take care of yourself" " Do whatever makes you happy" but there has just been so many other important things to think about and take care of that doing what I want or what I think would make me happy just didnt ever cross my mind and when I did I thought it was selfish of me. Theres has always been an open offer to come and stay with my mom. And after I got really sick when I was here in April, and then I went home I just decided that this Summer I would take her up on that offer and spend the Summer out in California.


When I decided to come stay for the summer I had 2 goals in mind. Number one was to find a job. I have completed that goal. I turned in applications for the Hampton Inn which I would prefered to work at obviously since I know the system like the back of my hand. I was offered a job at the Orchid Suites and I took it. It was good for me to step out of my comfort zone and learn something new. I am still learning and probably screwing alot of things up but I like it. Its good to be working again and feeling somewhat like a human being again. I miss working at a hotel and getting to know guests and everything I just hate not knowing what Im doing. I am use to being the one that everyone came to to fix the problem or help them with something that they couldnt do or didnt know. Its very hard for me to not know what I am doing and feeling uncomfortable. Its difficult to focus on the guests and customer service when your so concentrated on not screwing things up on the computer. Hopefully things will get easier and I will get more comfortable as time goes by.


Goal Number 2: FINALLY lose all of this discusting weight that I have gained. Alot of it has to do with 2 of my medications. The depo shots and lyrica. Number one side effect is weight gain. Alot of people refuse to even take them because of how much weight you gain while you are on them. Its terrible. Unfortunitaly I dont have the choice of not taking them. I have to take them. I wish I could blame it all on the medication but I can't. Most of it is becuase I have just gotten lazy and stopped caring and now I just want to scream. I am so dissapointed in myself.. Everytime I look in the mirror I just feel ashamed. Discusted. So much hate. I have to get rid of this weight, I want to go back to looking thin and being able to wear all my clothes that no longer fit. Be able to look in the mirror and like what I see. I know its going to take a lot of work I would like to lose at least 30 pounds. I have been asking for suggestions on what some good diets are or work out routines people do to lose weight. Some of the suggestions I have been given are : Meth, Cocaine, get rid of one of my legs, eat only a half of a tortilla chip a day, and just get good nutrition. I dont really want to cut of one of my legs so i think ill pass on that one. Unfortunitly I dont have the will power to only eat a half of a chip a day. ( maybe thats part of how I got into this discusting over weight body.) I could go the drug route but lets face it I dont really need " are you really an addict" conversation with people again. Because I wouldnt be so polite in holding in my fuck you's to people. I have started my Wii Fit account again and according to it I am obesse. WTF? So I am working out on it for a half hour every day. And also trying to cut my portions in half. If that doesnt work Ill go to not eating for days and when I feel like I am about to faint Ill eat a cube of cheese. With that and one stomach flu away ill reach my goal weight.


Hopefully by the end of Summer Ill be back to my normal weight and Ill have saved some money to get back to a normal life again.


But what if this is as good as it gets?