Love to Hate, Hate to Love

Lately something has been bothering me. I don't know what it is. I can't describe the feeling. I just feel off. Like maybe I have forgotten something important, or I am worried about something or maybe its just the stress and anxiety of the Holidays being here... Whatever it is it is really bothering me. I thought maybe I could write some stuff down and it might help me feel better. If not it will at least have killed some time until I can go to bed.

Usually when I am in the dark place I know why. Something specific is going on that is bringing me down but I just can't think of anything. In fact lately I have been doing really well with life. I have been getting up and going to work (Which is no easy task for someone with Fibromyalgia) but I do it. I feel like no matter how shitty I may feel that day I work just as hard as the days that I don't feel so bad. Going to work makes me feel like a normal person. It gives me something to be proud of doing while living with the pain and sickness that I do every day. It makes me feel lucky that I am able to do it because a lot of fibro patients can't hold down a job. I am so proud of myself for being at the spa for almost a year now and I have only had to call in sick twice and both of those times I was in the hospital. That is HUGE. I really try to not be the sick person at work. I don't want it to show how hard it is for me to come to work everyday. I think I do a fairly good job of hiding how badly I feel sometimes but other times I just can't. But no matter what I feel really proud that I am able to work. Each day that I am able to come in is a win for me. I won that day.

Also after living in California for a few years now I have finally made some really amazing friends. And that alone has been such a blessing for me. I would say in the last 10 years I have lost a lot of people in my life but I've been okay with that because the people who are really important to me and the ones who are true friends are still in my life and for that I am thankful. I would rather have 1 really good amazing friend then a lot of fairweathered friends. And the friends that I have made here are true friends. Ones that I know I could go to ( and have gone to already ) and ask them for anything and they would do it. They are truly amazing people. I am so happy that I have finally made a social life here in California. And I feel really lucky that I have them in my life now. I don't think they know how much they have improved my life for the better and how much I love them. And all of you know who you are!

As far as my health goes the update will always be that every single day is a battle for me. Every. Single. Day. Physically and mentally. Every morning is a struggle to get out of bed. Having a job is so important to me because it keeps me going. It gives me a reason to get up and fight threw the pain and try to ignore it the best that I can. And some days I can do that and I can go to bed at night and think " wow.. I made it another day. I did not let my bad heath win today. I won." And other days I can try to find a single ounce of energy just to get up and make my bed and I can't. Those are the days that not only does fibro win but depression wins as well. Those are the days that I feel so worthless that I am just a waste of a body. Days that I lose every battle that I fight every day are just debilitating. Days that I have to cancel plans with someone because I can't get out of bed. Days that I can't walk or play with my dog because I don't want him jumping on me because it hurts when all he wants is to play. Ever since I got sick I have always said the thing I hate most is having to depend on medication.. having to wake up and the first thing I do is have to take a pill because without I may not make it threw the day. And when I go to bed at night I have to take a pill because without it I won't sleep. The past year I have tried a lot to make that change. I stopped going to the fibro clinic and I stopped doing the diet and that eats at me every single day. I stopped going because they wanted to start addressing some of the issues that are affecting me mentally and I am just not ready to do that. But I live with the disappointment that I have in myself for not sticking to the diet that really did help me. Not going in every week to be seen by the doctor and continue the treatments he was doing. But on the other hand I am so proud of myself because I have cut back on so much of the medication that I was taking and that was the main goal. But every day that I have to take those pills just feels like a reminder that I am just not strong enough to get off of everything that everyone wishes I could do. Its a physical battle and an emotional battle. But lately I have been really proud of how much I have been able to cut back on so much medicine and get a handle on that.

Some days I can look in the mirror and still be able to tell myself " I know I am over weight, I know I don't look like I use to. But I still feel pretty." Other days I can't find one thing about myself that I could say I like. And then that internal battle of hating to love myself but loving to hate it starts. I know there is so much of my life that I could change and it could improve I just don't know why I don't do it. Its like I want myself to fail and be miserable. Like I said I don't know what it is that is making me feel so worried and anxious and off but I hope I figure it out soon. Thanks for reading my garbage. Ok bye.

My blog is back, alright!

Hello friends, family, readers, and stalkers. I know I have lost a lot of readers because I took a little break from blogging but I decided that I am going to take a break from facebook for a while and just blog. I know I wrote a lot about the fibro program that I was doing for a while but I haven't been able to go as much lately because of money... or the lack there of. As in I have none so I have been trying to do things on my own to help with the fibro. Lately, I have just been working and I also joined a gym to try and lose weight. Which has not been successful in that yet. I just want to be able to use my blog as sort of a journal again its nice to be able to look back at posts and pictures and remember the good time and the bad. Things I had forgotten about that I had done or have happened I can look back and read about.

 

I am hoping to post every couple of days just about what is going on and how I am feeling. I know I have a lot of readers that also have fibromyalgia and its nice to know that you are not alone and there is people out there who understand the things that you go threw every single day.

 

If you are knew to my reading into my life here are a few things you should know. I type like I talk. I cant spell for shit and I don't use the proper punctuation and all that. I am aware and I don't care, and if you decide to tell me or correct me you will be banned from reading my blog. (Im not really sure how to ban someone from reading my blog but just know that deep down I hate you.)

 

Here are 5 fun things I bet you didn't know about me.

 

1. I am ambidextrous. I write with my right hand but do mostly everything else left handed. ( I also only know how to spell that word because I googled it)

 

2. I can rap the entire " Pimpin All Over The World" song on my own.

 

3. One of the Orem Owlz baseball team mascot is named after me in Orem,Ut.

 

4. I can dislocate all my joints. I am very bendy.

 

5. I have a mug shot. But only a few lucky people have seen it. And by that I mean basically anyone who googles me.

 

 

If all of that doesn't make you want to read about my life I don't know what will.

 

Well I am bored now and am going to end this but hopefully I will be back soon. Okay bye bye!  

Q and A

I decided to start my blog back up again I know I haven't posted in a long time but I have been bit by the blogging bug again. I don't even know if anyone reads this anymore or not but I always found the Q and A post kind of fun. So you can ask me any question about anything and I will answer all questions in a post! Ready set Go!

Comfort Items

Having an illness like Fibromyalgia you have to find comfort in anything you can. Becuase you never know when your going to wake up one morning but not be able to get out of bed 5 days later. You never know when a flare is gonna come or when you just feeling really really crappy and you don't know when you will feel better. A lot of people even the people closest to you don't understand what its like to have chronic pain. So for me when those days come I look for the things that bring me comfort the most.

 

MY PIG

My most comforting item is my pig. The pig doesnt have a name he is just known as my pig. This pig has gone threw just about everything with me. And it means the world to me because my dad bought it for me. When I was 16 I had surgery to have lumps on my breast removed. When I woke up from surgery ( which was one of the hardest surgeries to wake up to and I have had about 36 so I have some experience with waking up from surgery! Boobie ones are not fun!) But when I woke up and calmed down from being in so much pain I noticed that this pig was sitting on my stomach. I was like uhm... this is random? And then my dad said that he got it for me while I was in surgery. And it has been with me at every surgery at every hospital stay right next to me in bed I get so much comfort from this little pink pig. Anytime I am in the hospital the first thing I tell my family to bring me is my pink pig. In this picture I was in the ER for what we thought was meningitas ( again ) and I was still sedated from having my spinal tap. So anytime I am in the ER for something really serious like in the picture its with me! One time I was in the hospital for about a week and they transfered me to a different hospital I left my pig there. I freaked out. My doctor was nice enough to go to the lost and found during his rounds and get it for me and bring it to the new hospital I Was at. I absolutely love my pig. This is my number one comfort item!

SICK MOVIES

 

 

 

 

 

I have what my sisters and I call them " sick movies" We all have a couple of movies that we like to watch when we are feeling sick. Two of my favorites are " The Devil Wears Prada" and " The Divine Secrets Of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood" and last but certainly not least " Breakfast at Tiffanys"

 

My mom bought me The Devil Wears Prada when I was hospitalized for pain management right before I had surgery for yet another bout of endometriosis. I loved it. I cant even tell you how many times I watched it. I never watch it if Im not sick but when I am its one of my favorites and it keeps me calm. I also like it because its one that is just basically all talking so its quiet enough that I can fall asleep too. ( Except there is one scene where her cell phone rings 15 times yes.. I have counted 15 times. And for some reason the ring is super load and always wakes me up if I am asleep) Anyway this is one of my all time favorite sick movies.

Another one is Divine Secrests Of The Ya-Ya Sisterhood. I knew my family had this movie for a super long time and it just never looked interesting to me. But I had had surgery but the next day I woke up with what we think was the swine flu. ( My sisters and I call it the time I had the ebola virus it was so bad. ) And I was bed ridden for WEEKS.. which means I had watched pretty much every movie that we had. I had friends bring over movies for me to watch one of my sisters has over like 600 dvd's and she would bring me a new stack every day before work for me to watch. I was in need of new movies. So I decided to go threw all my familys movies and pick out ones that I  had never seen before. The first one I watched was this one. I absolutely LOVE this movie. Not only is it one of my sick movies but its one of my top 5 favorite movies! It was so good I was like really sad when it ended haha I think I even watched it twice in a row. If anyone needs a new movie to watch I would suggest this one! It is another one that is all quiet and mostly talking and has such a good story line and has some really funny one liners in it. Love love love this movie! It was really good and had me interested the moment the movie started and it kept my mind off of how I thought I litteraly going to die becuase of how sick I was! Also... saved the best for last" BREAKFAST AT TIFFANYS"!!!!!!!!! Ok if you have seen this movie you know why I dont even need to explain why its one of my favorites becuase its AMAZING! Who doesnt love Holly Golighty right?  This movie is amazing and also one of my top 5... even my top 3 favorites movies. Add this to your " sick movie" list!



I know a lot of people have comfort foods but when I am sick and in a bad flare or recovering from surgery or whatever it is a struggle to get me to eat or drink anything. In fact whenever I am sick I call my dad the fluid nazi because he comes in like every hour with a huge glass of water or whatever and stands there and make sure I drink it all and then comes back in an hour and makes me drink another one! Now becuase I am living in a different state whenever I am sick and talk to him his first question is " are you drinking plenty of fluids?" Haha I love my dad so much. And he is a hero to me. He too lives with chronic pain and has teached me how to handle it. I remember when I was 15 and I first got sick my dad and I stayed up all night long talking. He told me a lot about his childhood that I had never heard before, and how he knows what its like living with chronic pain, and how proud he was of me for handling so much pain and change in my life. That is a memory of my dad and I that I will always cherish.

 

I dont know about you but when I am sick or hurting or in a flare whatever... I dont want to eat. Anything. At all. I lose my appetite the pain is so bad that I don't feel anything else but pain so I dont ever feel hungry or crave anything I just dont want to eat period. My mom has had times where she has had to force me to eat. If theres one thing that I want to eat or drink when I am sick its usually gatorade. But I dehydrate SO easily. I cant even tell you the amount of times I have been hospitalised with dehydration. It only takes about 2 days of not eating or drinking anything that I am just done. I have muscle cramps, I have no energy whatsoever, I feel nauseated, I have no color in my skin my eyes are just dead inside. There has been twice where I was so dehydrated that my patasium got so low that my heart started to freak out. My heart rate was out of control high I felt like I was having a heart attack I was throwing up so bad You could like see my pulse in this huge vain in my neck I was put in an ambulance and taken to another hospital to be admitted. So Yeah Its a battle between not wanting anything to do with food or fluids but also trying to stay hydrated enough. Deffinitly a battle!

 

 

MY SISTERS

 



 

My two of THE MOST IMPORTANT people in my life. I can't even tell you how much I love my sisters. The things that we have gone threw together and the things I have gone threw they I know I wouldnt have made it out of without them. My sisters are the two most amazing sisters anyone could ask for. I really got lucky to have my sisters also be my two best friends. The top picture is one of my younger sister Madi and I and then bottom picture is of my older sister Meagen and I. These two help me get threw everything. We all love eachother so much but whats so great about them is that they help me in two different ways. Madi can get me to laugh even when all I feel like doing is crying. She has such a quick wit and is just the most hilarious person I have ever known. She is a mom so I have noticed that she is very protective of the people she loves. I know that she will always have my back and will probably kick your ass litteral... also verbally if you ever did anything to hurt me. She is amazing and someone I want by my side forever. Meagen is more of the nurturing type. She has been by my side numerous times while I was sick. She has taken care of me so many times I have lost count. About a year ago I was going threw something really major, I ended up in the hospital and usually my mom is the one that stays with me but she moved to another state so Meagen took her place. She made me feel so comfortable the entire week I was there. She never left my side she slept in the uncomfortable hospital chair every night next to me. She always knew what I needed and when I was feeling the worst. She has been a huge support system in my life I know that she will be on my side no matter what and will always be there to take care of me no matter how old we are. She is my person.

 

MY DOG FENWAY

 

My dog Fenway is deffinitly a huge comfort to me! He is always there when I need some cuddeling or just someone to listen ( No im not crazy I dont expect him to talk to back) I love him so much. We were ment to be together. He deffinitly keeps me on my toes but also gives me a reason to get up in the morning. I take him on 2 walks a day which is good for me becuase it makes me get out and get some excercise. He is such a cute little pup. Fenway is a chug ( Pug/chihuawa mix) I call him my little Love Chug! I love Fenway! I truly believe that animals know when something is wrong with you the can sence when something is wrong if your sick anything like that. I would recommend any one with any type of chonic illness to get an animal! They are just amazing!!!! I love Fenway so much I don't know what I would do without him!

 

What are some of your comfort items? Leave me a comment and let me know! Also if you have Facebook you can go LIKE mine and my fibro friend Rachelle and let us know what your comfort items are! The page is called Misses and Ms. Diagnosed

Thanks for reading! And keep fighting!

What fibro means to me

There is a contest going on for fibromyalgia awareness where people turn in photos of them or one they have taken describing what Fibromyalgia means to them. Now I am not doing this contest but I found some pictures of how I would describe what fibromyalgia means to me.

This is a picture of my sister Meagen and I. She doesnt have fibromyalgia but at the time she had a dislocated ( in her sleep! ) and was feeling pretty crappy. This was right before I was admitted to the hospital for Renal Failure. So I had that plus fibro on top of it sooo I to was feeling pretty crappy. So you ask what this has to do with fibromyalgia? Well, if you look at it and see the look on both our faces you can just tell how awful we felt and how desperatly lonely, and tired, wanting to give up, and just needing someone to be there with me I felt. Fibromyalgia can be a dark and lonely place. You feel as though people dont understand and you feel like you dont even know who you are anymore. Just having my sister there to lean on just gave me a feeling of comfort and support that I needed at that time. Everyone who is fighting the fibro fight needs that. Sometimes nothing else can help calm yourself and feel peace then just having someone there for you. People who have fibromyalgia and have pictures of themselves you can always tell if they are having a good day or a bad day and sometimes they try and put on a smile becuase you want to just keep telling yourself you're ok or just to hide how you truly are feeling. I am obviously not trying to hide anything in this picture. You can see the fear, the sadness, the pain and overall sickness. Becuase there are times where you feel nothing else but that.

But there are those days where you have a smile on your face becuase you want to remember how you felt good that day. Fibromyalgia doesnt have to be a negative thing all the time. We all have good days and a bad days and on the bad days you just have to remember that this too shall pass. You will have good days, and when you do remind yourself that you're okay. You can still feel like a normal person even if it is just for a day of half a day or half an hour. Appreciate the good days. Positive things can come from fibrmyalgia. This is a picture of my friend Rachelle and I. We both have fibromyalgia and that is how we connected. Ever since we met we have become good friends and we support and love eachother. That is very important to have and if it was for fibromyalgia I never would have met her or other people who are very important in my life and have helped and supported me threw a lot of stuff! I know sometimes its hard to stay positive trust me I get it. And its impossible to feel positive every day and no one expects you too expecially if you have a disease like fibro that puts you in chronic pain all the time but negativty can be a toxic thing. Try and find your positive that has come from fibromyalgia.

Remember that if you are reading this and you have Facebook to please like Rachelle and I's page. We really want to bring awareness about fibromyalgia and have a place of support and hope that fibro patients can go to. Thanks for reading and remember there is hope! The Facebook page is called Misses and Ms. Diagnosed

Reminds me to keep the faith

Lately I have been having a really hard time both physically and mentaly. I don't know what is making me feel so bad and just not myself but I am really struggling. The therapy I am doing is really hard on me... It might not seem like a lot to a " normal" person but to someone like me who has fibro it has been really hard. I was doing really good for a couple weeks and then I got sick with tonsilitis and I just feel like I have had a huge set back. I feel so much pain, feeling a lot of depression and fatigue. To help with the depression I have been doing some knitting to take my mind off of things. I really enjoy knitting and I have also kept my fibro fighter rock close to me to remind me that I am not alone. There is hope and I am doing the steps to start getting myself healthy again. I have given these rocks to my close fibro friends Rachelle and Janet and I would love to make one for anyone else who is fighting the fibro fight. Thanks for reading.

Surviving

It has been a pretty tough week. Sometimes it is really hard to stay positive while going threw something like I am going threw. Last week I got some pretty disapointing blood test results. Last year I was hospitalized for having very elivated liver enzymes. And on Friday I got my results back and it showed that my liver levels were at about the same spot that they were last year. I was really upset and I just tried to fight back tears and I was doing okay until the nurse that was standing next to me performing this procedure on me set the tools that she was using down and said " Ya know, I think we just need to stop here for a second a take a deep breath and try some hug therapy." I just started crying and even though she and the doctor are basically strangers to me it felt so good just to have them understand and tell me that its okay to cry and be upset. I have been working so hard and doing everything I can and doing all that is asked of me to change my health and to get a test result that tells you what you are doing is not enough is so hard to hear. And to be honest it is really scary to know that my liver is just as bad as it was when I was hospitalized becuase of it. They don't know what it is thats causing this they have done every test they can think of every blood test everything and they don't know why. I saw my doctor today and found out that I have tonsilitis which in itself is a step back and it a huge problem of its own. I am suppose to have my tonsils out but I keep having set backs... anyway.. I found out that the next step is to do a liver biopsy to help figure out why my liver enzymyes are so high. I know I have my family and close friends but even people who I thought would understand and support me I kind of feel like they don't really think what I am doing is that big of a deal and dont really care and that is really hard. So it was really nice to just have a hug from the nurse and the doctor tell me they are on my side and will do everything they can for me. It made me start to think about what it would be like to not be sick. How different my life would be, what I would be doing, the people who would be in my life and what its like just to feel normal.

I started making a list of all the things that sickness has brought upon me and taken away from me. But then I started to think that it wont do any good or change anything to dwell upon it. This is my life. Sickness has made me who I am. It has made me stronger then I think I ever would have been had I not gotten sick. There are a lot of people in my life that I never would have met had I not gotten sick. I truly believe that I was given sickness to live with to help others threw their sickness. I have the ability to connect with people and I have been taught by being sick that everyone has a story. You should never judge someone on the look they have on their face or the attitude that they may have becuase everyone has a story. You don't know why they are the way they are. You don't know what they have gone threw in their life or just in that day. I know that when I am having a bad day and feel really horrible I can come off as the biggest bitch in the world and you don't want to cross me but thats not who I am. People who truly know me know thats not who I am.. at all..My sickness and trials has had a lot to do with who I am today but sickness is not everything I am. I have a lot of other things about me that have nothing to do with sickness. Something I need to work on though is showing other things about me that dont have to do with my health. I know lately all I have been able to show and talk about is my health and I need to work on that. Thats not all there is to me, but like I said I am greatful for some of the things that sickness has given me. I don't want to be a sad sick person my whole life. I want to get better and let other people get to know what else there is to me and show them that there is more to me. I need to try and stay more postive and remind myself at times that there is hope and that there will be a day when I can start letting people in without feeling like I will just be a burden to them. Becuase right now I feel like thats all I am. I was watching the movie Georgia Rule the other night and I heard a quote that said " We can all survive, we just don't have to be so damn sad doing it." I think that is so true and something that I need to remember..

Reading over this post I feel sorry for everyone else who reads it.. its so random and all over the place and probably has no point what so ever but thats okay... I am writting how I am feeling and thats all that matters. Thanks for reading.