HoLLi DeNeE

My brain is depressed

2011-10-15T12:32:00.000-07:00

I have started a post everyday this week while at work, and I never know how to get it started. There is a lot I want to write about but I never know how to actually put it all together. I think I will just do a list of things that are on my mind.

I feel very homesick. I feel at home where I am its just I miss my comfort zone. I am not familiar with California and its hard to work in a place where people expect you to be because they are not. I don't know where anything is and its very frustrating. Since I don't have my car out here I feel like a 14 year old having to have my mom drive me everywhere. I hate it. I know that if I were the one driving I would be able to learn my away around more but if I'm not driving I'm not paying attention. ( I know I can change that, and I'm working on it.) I don't know anyone which is also very hard. I have no friends here and I feel like the few people that I do know ( The people that I work with) are just co-workers and I don't really know them and to be honest they have no clue as of to who I really am. I miss my dad and Meagen, and even though I wouldnt go out with my friends that often it was still nice to know that there were people that really know who I am and I really know who they are. That I can trust and actually call friends. I get to see Madi which is nice but she lives like an hour away so its not very often but when I do get to see her it always cheers me up. I am just very lonely and having a hard time. I just wish I had a comfort zone here. I miss that.
I am very tired of my job. I am doing the exact same thing I have been doing for the past 8 years. Everyday is the same. Nothing changes. Same people, same paperwork, same system. I know the system like the back of my hand I know exactly what I am doing but yet somedays I stare at the screen and litteraly have no idea what to do next. I leave everyday feeling like I have made mistakes when I know I havent. I know that I do a job that a monkey could do maybe this is my brains way of telling me that its sick of doing the same thing. I am to much of a chicken shit to just go out and look for something new. And by something new I mean something that is not a hotel and has nothing to do with Hilton. Everytime I think about starting to look for something else I remember that starting November 1st I have health insurance again. I just don't know which is more important health insurance or happiness. Probably with my shitty health its health insurance.
I had 10 thousand dollars 4 months ago... where the hell did it go?
I started weight watchers and in the first week I lost 5 pounds! Woo!! I weigh in again tomorrow I am hoping that I have lost some more! I really like the program and I am enjoying doing it. I like that I can still eat whatever I want I just can't go over my points for the day!
I feel like a failure. I feel like I failed in Utah so I thought moving to California would be a nice way to start over and try again somewhere new. I feel like someone has pushed the pause button on my life. I was really hoping that by now I would feel like I have started my life over in california but I am in the exact same position I was in when I got here. Its really frustrating to feel like such a failure.
I think I am going to go back to therapy. I feel like I have started to forget things that I have learned and I have started getting into old routines that I worked hard on to change.

I am kind of sick of making this list now so I am going to be done. . . What a depressing life.

Tattoo Help

2011-09-07T17:55:00.000-07:00

Okay.. I need some help. I am planning on getting a tattoo with the money that I won at the casino. Everyone knows how much I LOVE Marilyn Monroe so I am going to be getting a quote by her as this tattoo. I have some many favorites that I need some help choosing which one to actually get. I have decided I want the tattoo on my foot, but there is a longer quote that I really like and if I were to get that one I don't think it would fit on my foot so I thought maybe the back of my shoulder? Anyway I think I have it narrowed down to a few that I really like but I need to choose one. I am going to number them and put them into a poll so you can all vote. You can also just leave me a comment on this post or leave a comment on the link to this post that will be on my facebook page. However you want to do it please let me know which one you like the best. Becuase I won the money on a pink diamond slot machine I am going to dot the "I" in Marilyns name with a diamond to always remember winning the money. =) Here are the choices:

NUMBER ONE: " A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left" - Marilyn Monroe

NUMBER TWO: " Beneath the make up and behind the smile I am just a girl who wishes for the world"- Marilyn Monroe

NUMBER THREE: " We are all of us stars, and we deserve to twinkle" - Marilyn Monroe

NUMBER FOUR: " I am good but not an angel, I do sin but I am not the devil, I am just a small girl in a big world trying to find someone to love" - Marilyn Monroe

NUMBER FIVE: " I believe that everything happens for a reason, people change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so that you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together" - Marilyn Monroe

If any of you know of other Marilyn quotes that you think I may like let me know! Thanks everyone for your help!

I'm Sensative

2011-08-22T09:00:00.000-07:00

I've been told that this song describes me perfectly..What do you think?

I'm Sensative

Jewel:

I was thinking that I might fly today

Just to disprove all the things that you say

It doesn't take a talent to be mean

Your words can crush things that are unseen

CHROUS: So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive

And I'd like to stay that way

You always tell me that it's impossible

To be respected, and be a girl

Why's it gotta be so complicated

Why you gotta tell me if I'm hated

CHROUS: So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive

And I'd like to stay that way

I was thinking, that it might do some good

If we robbed the cynics and took all their food

That way what they believe will have taken place

And we can give it people who have some faith

CHROUS: So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive

And I'd like to stay that way

I have this theory, that if we're told we're bad

Then that's the only idea we'll ever have

But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty

Someday we will become what we see

'Cause anyone can start a conflict

it's harder yet to disregard it

I'd rather see the world from another angle

We are everyday angels

Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way

New Hotel Blog!

2011-08-21T21:02:00.000-07:00

Ready for some totally AMAZEBALLZ news? Here it is....

I have created a new blog!

http://hollishotelhorrorstories.blogspot.com/

I decided that with all my years of working in a hotel its time to share some of the crazy and insane stories that I have experienced with guests, co-workers, and also employees of hotels that I have been the guest at. I am really excited about this! I hope that everyone has fun reading all my crazy stories that I am going to share! Be excited! Be Be Be Excited! ( Yes I did just cheer...what of it?)

Pink Diamond Slots!

2011-08-21T19:34:00.000-07:00

I went to the Thunder Valley Casino a few weeks ago, and I won BIG TIME!!
Let me set the scene for you. This was the second time I had gone to the this Casino. The first time I went I won $161.00 dollars on a penny machine! Wahoo! This time I went I set a limit for myself so that I would not spend all my moneies. I brought $100.00 dollars in and said to myself I would not spend more then $60.00 dollars.

I went to the Wheel of Fortune machine first becuase my mom always wins on it so I thought I would try it out. I put in $20.00 and lost it all. So then I moved to another machine and lost another $20.00. Didnt even break even nothing I just lost it all. So I decided that I was just not having good luck so I thought I'd just be done for the night.

As we walked around I saw a pink diamond slot machine... I thought to myself... I HAVE TO PLAY THE PINK DIAMOND MACHINE! I mean come.. its PINK! So I pulled out my $20.00 and said to my mom and Joe ( With a frowny face) " Ok if I lose all of this can you please give me milk money for the rest of the week?"

I put the money in and pulled once and I got nothing. I pulled again and I won $40.00 and I said that I was just going to cash out with that. My mom had told me not to that she had a "feeling" that I shouldnt.... Uhh ok mom. She pointed to the top of the machine and explained to me what it was that I needed to win the jackpot. I pulled again...

1 pink diamond...

another pink diamond...

and a THIRD PINK DIAMOND!!!!

I won the Jackpot!!!!

$9,595.31!!!

Yes that is nine thousand five hundred ninety five dollars and thirty one cents!!
I was in shock for like 10 minutes afterwards. People kept crowding around me congratulating me I just stood there like " what..?? what is going on?? Did I just win?"
When the people came over the asked if I wanted the taxes taken out right then or later, I was greedy and wanted ALL of it right then! So they walk out with a huge stack of 100 dollar bills. WHUUA??? I asked them" You really are going to give this to me in cash?" They said yup and made me put my hand out and I watched them count and put $9,595.31 right into my hand! Becuase they gave it to me in cash I obviously didnt want to walk around all night with all that cash expecially becuase of how many people sat there and watched me as I was being handed all that money. So we had to have a security guard walk us out to our car after only being there about 15 minutes!

This money is just craziness! Its like a month later and I still cant believe that I won! ( I know I am seriously slacking on my blogging)
Now that its a month later I realized how quickly that money has gone. Jeesh! I have spent a little here and there and a lot here and there. I plan to get another tattoo and I have bought myself a lot of new clothes and a new laptop and helped out family members... and some very lucky homeless people. But I still have a lot left that I plan to do things that I have been trying to do for years that I just havent had the money to be able to but now I do!! Yay!!!

That was the best night ever! And the best part about it is that I was wearing a shirt with Marilyn Monroe on it that says " Diamonds are a girls best friend"... Pink Diamonds were deffinitly my friend that night!

A family thats FORD tough

2011-07-29T06:54:00.000-07:00

My heart goes out to the Ford family during this difficult time for them. I could go on and on about him and how truly amazing he was. He was there for me during difficult times in my life and was always able to make me smile when I thought it was impossible. I will always cherish the friendship I had with him and the times that we spent together. I will never forget the mornings he would cut school and come to my house to watch music videos with me because I was home sick and lonely. He would always be there to keep me company, watch movies with me or just talk whenever I needed a friend. He would always protect me and was always by his friend's sides no matter what. I know there were days I would not have been able to make it threw without him and his kindness and ways to make even the darkest days seem bright . Scotty will always have a place in my heart that will never be forgotten and I will always cherish his friendship and everything he had done for me. I feel honored and greatfull to have known him and had him in my life. Rest In Peace Scotty. We all love and miss you.

Scotty's Obituarie

http://m.heraldextra.com/lifestyles/announcements/obituaries/article_f9d0a603-2504-585e-8288-78eeade39738.html

Scott G. Ford
1988 ~ 2011
Scott G Ford, age 23, passed away on July 22, 2011, returning home to his Heavenly Father.
He was born on July 7, 1988 in Provo, Utah to Derin and Lisa Ford. He was a sweet and happy little boy. He attended Orem Elementary, Lakeridge Junior High and Mountain View High School. He had a passion for sports. He loved baseball, wrestling, football, wakeboarding and snowboarding. He also loved to dance. Scotty was extremely dedicated to keeping fit and motivating others to do the same. He pushed himself to excel in all that he did. He loved a new challenge.
Scotty loved life. He had so much compassion for those who were hurting. He had the most sensitive and tender heart, and with that, a quiet inner strength. He had so much insight regarding the things most important in life. He had an unmistakable and infectious laugh. Scotty was a loyal and true friend to everyone who knew him. His brothers Curt and Mitch, however, were unquestionably his closest allies and friends. They had a bond unlike any other.
He is survived by his parents, Lisa and Derin Ford, brother Mitch and his wife Christine and their children Hudson and Demi; brother Curt and his wife Cassie and their children Hallie, Mayzie, and Dirk; grandparents John and Joan Ford and Glenn and Colleen Mott. He is also survived by numerous aunts, uncles, cousins and friends. He was loved and adored by them all. He was preceded in death by his close cousin Ryan Ford.
Viewing will be Friday, July 29th from 6-8pm at Sundberg Olpin Mortuary located at 495 South State Street in Orem. There will be another viewing prior to the funeral, Saturday, July 30th from 10:30 to 11:45 am at the Canyon View Stake Center, located at 575 E. 800 N. in Orem. The funeral service will begin at noon. Interment will be at the Orem City Cemetery. Condolences may be sent to the family at www.sundbergolpinmortuary.com
The Ford family would like to express their deepest, heartfelt gratitude for the outpouring of love and support they have received from their family and friends. We have felt your love for Scotty.
Scotty, we feel you with us and we'll see you soon. Save us a spot on the roster.

I love that personal note: "Save us a spot on the roster"...amazing. Here is an article written by Neil Warner. I know him and his family and I am touched by what he had wrote about Scotty and his family.

A FAMILY THATS FORD TOUGH

http://www.heraldextra.com/sports/blogs/neil-warner/article_cf8d1b1c-b8d5-11e0-985e-001cc4c002e0.html

I was at a concert when my phone buzzed and a text came in. 'Did you hear about Scott Ford?'
When you get a text like that it's usually bad news.
I hoped it was referring to the success of Scott Ford's summer sales or that he was going to join his older brothers Mitch and Curt for a baseball tournament.
Nope.
He was on life support.
Turns out Scotty was already gone.
The life of a 23-year-old had been robbed. Stolen before its time.
The news was received like i was running down the field on a kickoff return and was blindsided.
There was not enough air to breath. The shock of this tragedy has not faded since the news broke last week.
Death can be like lightning strikes. They are all around you- always hitting objects that are out of sight.
That is until the lighting scores a direct hit.
Derin and Lisa Ford are one of the class families in Utah. I have covered all three of their sons when they played (football and baseball) at Mountain View High School, and I have played in many baseball tournaments with Derin.
They are a close family, who have been tied together by baseball over the years. I love them and I know so many people in this community feel the same way I do.
What makes this so difficult to accept was the way it happened. Scotty was killed (run over) by a vehicle after an altercation while working in Mississippi. Now there will be legal action and court dates to follow. At some point the family must deal with the tug of war they will have with vengeance and forgiveness. Pain will continue as the judgement comes down on the person who took Scotty's life. The Ford family, who have been built Ford tough, will be tested.
Those who know the family are now only left with memories. I remember watching Scotty as a little second baseman on the Orem Thunder Super League team when he was in junior high. He played with my son and we spent many summer weekends watching them play in baseball tournaments out of state. Those memories are so easy to recall.
We can't do anything about what happened, but what we can do is show the Ford family that we care. Love does not have to be silent, It can be and should be communicated.
There is a viewing on Friday and the funeral will be on Saturday at Noon in Orem.
So many people have told me 'I don't know what to say.' I'm a writer and I can't think of the right words to say either. Perhaps what matters most now is that we support the family and let them know that life does not end here and neither does the love we have for each other.

Scotty Ford

2011-07-22T21:51:00.000-07:00

Rest in Peace my friend. You will be missed and never forgotten.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure...

2011-06-20T21:22:00.000-07:00

After 900 stops (okay more like 2 but it felt like 900.) I finally made it to California for the summer. It was a hard decision for me to choose to come here but as I was sitting on the plane I realized that it was the right decision.

It was a hard decision for me for a lot of reasons. I didnt know what would be easier for everyone involed. Would it be easier for Meagen and my dad if I was not there. One less mouth to feed, Wouldnt have to worry about Meagen and I having to share a car, things like that. But it was so so hard to leave Meagen and my dad. Since its just been the 3 of us for a year now I feel like we have developed a new bond with eachother after being threw what we have been threw together. I felt like I needed to stay and help Meagen with everything going on there and start working again to be able to pay rent and bills. I felt like I was just leaving them and thinking about if I am causing more problems by not being there to help with things. It was hard for me to think about how things would be in California as well. Even though I was told I was welcome to stay and get a job but there is always this feeling of me overstaying my welcome, and being an inconvience. It was like either place I would be at I felt like I may be an inconvience. Because that is just the way I think....Apparently therapy did not heal me of everything.

I know this may sound weird but as I was sitting on the plane something that was said hit me and made me realize I was making the right choice. Because my plane had to stop in Vegas, Burbank, and then my final stop Sacramento I took off 3 different times. And each time new people came on so the flight attendants made their speech about the exits and what to do in an emergency water landing and blah blah blah. During their speech they explained that in the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure that oxygen masks will fall from above you and that you should always put yours on first before helping others. And after the third time of hearing that it finally became clear to me. Take care of yourself before helping others.
For the past year I have been so worried about others and helping take care of others that I have been un happy. People would tell me " Take care of yourself" " Do whatever makes you happy" but there has just been so many other important things to think about and take care of that doing what I want or what I think would make me happy just didnt ever cross my mind and when I did I thought it was selfish of me. Theres has always been an open offer to come and stay with my mom. And after I got really sick when I was here in April, and then I went home I just decided that this Summer I would take her up on that offer and spend the Summer out in California.

When I decided to come stay for the summer I had 2 goals in mind. Number one was to find a job. I have completed that goal. I turned in applications for the Hampton Inn which I would prefered to work at obviously since I know the system like the back of my hand. I was offered a job at the Orchid Suites and I took it. It was good for me to step out of my comfort zone and learn something new. I am still learning and probably screwing alot of things up but I like it. Its good to be working again and feeling somewhat like a human being again. I miss working at a hotel and getting to know guests and everything I just hate not knowing what Im doing. I am use to being the one that everyone came to to fix the problem or help them with something that they couldnt do or didnt know. Its very hard for me to not know what I am doing and feeling uncomfortable. Its difficult to focus on the guests and customer service when your so concentrated on not screwing things up on the computer. Hopefully things will get easier and I will get more comfortable as time goes by.

Goal Number 2: FINALLY lose all of this discusting weight that I have gained. Alot of it has to do with 2 of my medications. The depo shots and lyrica. Number one side effect is weight gain. Alot of people refuse to even take them because of how much weight you gain while you are on them. Its terrible. Unfortunitaly I dont have the choice of not taking them. I have to take them. I wish I could blame it all on the medication but I can't. Most of it is becuase I have just gotten lazy and stopped caring and now I just want to scream. I am so dissapointed in myself.. Everytime I look in the mirror I just feel ashamed. Discusted. So much hate. I have to get rid of this weight, I want to go back to looking thin and being able to wear all my clothes that no longer fit. Be able to look in the mirror and like what I see. I know its going to take a lot of work I would like to lose at least 30 pounds. I have been asking for suggestions on what some good diets are or work out routines people do to lose weight. Some of the suggestions I have been given are : Meth, Cocaine, get rid of one of my legs, eat only a half of a tortilla chip a day, and just get good nutrition. I dont really want to cut of one of my legs so i think ill pass on that one. Unfortunitly I dont have the will power to only eat a half of a chip a day. ( maybe thats part of how I got into this discusting over weight body.) I could go the drug route but lets face it I dont really need " are you really an addict" conversation with people again. Because I wouldnt be so polite in holding in my fuck you's to people. I have started my Wii Fit account again and according to it I am obesse. WTF? So I am working out on it for a half hour every day. And also trying to cut my portions in half. If that doesnt work Ill go to not eating for days and when I feel like I am about to faint Ill eat a cube of cheese. With that and one stomach flu away ill reach my goal weight.

Hopefully by the end of Summer Ill be back to my normal weight and Ill have saved some money to get back to a normal life again.

But what if this is as good as it gets?

Here To Make An Apperance

2011-05-15T00:45:00.000-07:00

Well here go.

I havent blogged in so long because I don't have a computer at home to blog from. I know how sad is that? I know you all miss my blog dearly so to all my readers my birthday is May 26th so if you miss it buy me a laptop then you will get lots of hollipocket blog posts! Yay!

I have some things I would like to post about becuase it is so exciting and so thoughtful that It is totally blog worthy. Other things I have debated on blogging about it becuase well its depressing and then I thought when I have ever had anything against being depressive and negative on my blog... well hmm. never so what the hell?

So here we go. The Good, The Bad, and the everything else

THE GOOD

I started with the good becuase your always suppose to start with the good right? First of all I owe a big shout out to my sister and BFF Meagen who has recently started working at great new job and Center for Change. I just knew that she would find a great job and at a place she will love. After being there a week she has already received a promotion and I am so proud of her. I admire her and her strength and work ethic and the ability to be able to start a new job with a great attitude and hopes for the future. I for one am terrified to start a new job and Meagen has deffinitly been someone I look up to when it comes to never loosing hope that something will come along and everything will be okay. I am so happy for her and I am familar with Center for Change becuase I worked with them as a corporate client at the hotel and I know its going to be a wonderful place for her to be and I hope she loves it and goes far there! Go Meagen Go!

I have been in California since the first week of April and while I have been here I have recieved some AUSSIE love! I have recieved a wonderful birthday package from my beautiful friend AMY ( Thanks Amy!) filled with aussie love! She sent the most ADORABLE shirts ever and soome yummy snacks! She always sends me something on my birthday and it always makes my entire day and I am so greatful to have such an amazing friends like her and even though we have never met she is so special to me! One day I will go to Australia and meet my beautiful Aussie Friend! ( and hear her cute accent! hehe)

Another AMAZING Aussie birthday gift I recieved is so special to me and makes me relized how loved I am and again how blessed I am to have amazing people in my life. My Aussie Mom and Dad Lynn and Neil have given me two such special birthday gifts to me that I will always cherish. On my 21st birthday they gave me this BEAUTIFUL pink stone that I had set in a ring and it is so precious to me. And about 2 months ago I posted on facebook about this beautiful Marilyn Monroe blanket that I found and fell in love with but I did not have the money to buy. ( I think everyone knows how much I LOVE Marilyn Monroe) Well, Neil just happened to be in the states last month (I am so sad that I was not in Utah at the time so I missed being able to see and get together with him) While he was in Utah he went and FOUND the Marilyn blanket and bought it for me and delivered it to my house. How amazing is that?!? They are so amazing to me and make me feel so loved and always call me their American Daughter and I love that! They will never know how much that gift means to me and again I will always cherish. They said they didn't know if it was the same one that I wanted and I coulld exchange it if I wanted to but I will keep the one they picked out for me. I love it so much and will always think of them when I use it. Which will be alot! Thank you Aussie mom and dad and Thank you sweet Aussie Amy! You guys are so special to me and I hope you know that and how much I love all of you.

Also My sister Madi got me a KICK ASS gift as well! She got me a bottle of Marilyn Monroe Wine called Marilyn Merlot! How awesome is that! Uhmazing!!

THE BAD

Well... Ill be honest I have been working on this post for a month now. I will just say this, My california visit did not turn out the way we wanted it to. I got sick about five days before I left with the worst stomach flu virus thing in the entire world! MISERABLE! I would tell you what came next but to be honest... I litteraly don't remember. I dont remember like the first week and a half I was here and there is still alot of missing days and pieces of days that I just do not remember I have been so sick and the medication I have been taking its just been sucky. I wont go into detail about it all mainly I will just give a shorter version of it all. Here we go.. ( and remember this has all happpened in just one month.) Thought I had the measles, went to an insta care they said go straight to the hospital. Went to the hospital no measles was treated for this horrible cough I had. Then came the most awful neck pain I have ever experienced had a bad fever constintaly had the cold sweats just feeling miserable. So went to another insta care immediatly sent me to the hospital to be tested for menigitis. Waited in the ER waiting room for about 7 hours to be seen. ( Thats a whole other story lets just say I was NOT a happy patient after that. O M G!) Had the spinal tap no menigitis- but didnt really tell me what else it could be just sent us on our way. ... still miserable with neck pain and headaches then I started having tremors like big time. Mom and Joe said I needed to go to the hospital and I fought them becuase I did NOT want to go back there but I knew I needed to go. Got medicine to stop the tremors had a brain and neck MRI apparently they found a cycst on my brain but i guess its not that big of a deal so whatev! aaaaand then today still having neck pain have not slept in like forever and having horrible horrible kidney pain.. went to the insta care again they said I have a kidney infection.Oh and on top of this I have had the WORST sunburn ever! I cant even explain how bad my skin looks right now I had this awesome tan and now I just look like a lepor. Ugh FML!!!! I will say this, I am so greatful that I was in California when all of this happend, it was sooo nice to have my mom with me while being sick I dont care how old you are, you still want your mom when your sick! And she took great care of me as well did Joe. They made it possible for me to get seen and checked out and able to get the treatment that I needed. I don't think I would have been able to get that if I had been in Utah. So so very greatful for that and big thank you to them! ( And let me be clear this part of the blog was only the "THE BAD" section becuase of how sick I have been thats all)

Even though it was not the stay we were expecting because of me being so sick I have really loved being here and on the days that I felt somewhat OK we were able to go out to movies or go fishing and I have just really enjoyed spending time with them and have had a lot of fun. They have been kind enonugh to allow me to spend the summer with them if I want and I think I am going to take them up on that offer and spend the summer out here working and enjoyingtime with them and the sun! I have had a GREAT time with them this past month and I cant wait to get back out here. And unfortunetly the " holli is a bitch becuase she doesnt feel good" side of me came out while I have been here and so if they are willing to offer me to stay for the summer after seeing that side of me... I guess they like me enough to spend more time with them even after that side of me coming out. They are brave people.

EVERYTHING ELSE

( My new fibro shirt! Sorry for the rotten face sally picture of me... focus on the shirt!)

Thursday May 12th was National Fibromyalgia Awareness Day!! I want to wish all my Fibro Friends a Happy Day and let them know how much I love them and am so greatful for their support. No one can truly understand until you live with it and my fibro friends are such strong fighters and help me be strong too! HAPPY FIBROMYALGIA AWARENESS DAY!!! If I had a cake for that day with candles on it I would wish for more awareness on this awful disease. For people to try and understand and really try to know fibro before making an opinion or place judgement about it and the people who have it. I have been living with Fibromyalgia for eight years and it is a hard hard battle every single day I know this is something I will have my entire life and I will be apart of the fibro crusade the rest of my life! Yay For Fibro Fighters!

Just a few other things- I was able to be here for my nephews SECOND BIRTHDAY!!!! YAY KELVIN!!!! Even though I was mostly out of it the entire weekend I spent with them I LOVED being able to have Easter Dinner with Madi and Brady and be able to here for Kelvins Birthday. I just love spending time with them and I just cant get enough of Kelvin! And Madi also took good care of me while she was also taking care of brady who just had shoulder surgery a few days before! She is Super Mom! Thank you!!

HOW CUTE IS THIS LITTLE GUY!?!?!??!

Well I am not sure if there is anything else to share just that I really miss blogging. Even though I dont have anythinig exciting to blog about sometimes its just nice to be able to pop in and say Hey Im still alive and just talk blog about random stuff like how I think im going to start wearing a watch.. its my new thing. Or sharing pictures of the box of balloons I stole! ( Hehehe yeah I totally did... it was on accident though... I returned them.... I figured I couldnt afford another strike on my record!) But hopefully you will be seeing more of me my mom is nice and lets me take over her laptop while I am here sooooo THIS SUMMER COMING TO A LAPTOP OWNED BY YOU..... HOLLIS BLOG POSTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hahahah Oooopsie! My bad

Love you sibligns, friends, mom and joe, and stalkers. Im so glad I have you and you read my blog even though I only make an appearence like every 5 months. . . I used to be such a good blogger. Oh wait that was becuase I was working and had nothing else better to do then blog. hmmmm.

Peace Out!

Oh and just a picture of how The California sun left me with this rot ass tan line

COME ON!!!!!

The Women of Virtue Organization

2011-03-30T20:10:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone go check out and join this great organization that my amazing friend Mckenna and her friend Rachel have created!

wovorganization.blogspot.com

Sisters By Chance Friends By Choice

2011-02-04T23:13:00.000-08:00

I must say... I have the best sisters in the world. No one has better sisters then I do.. and they are not just my sisters but they are my best friends. They have always been my best friends. Even when we were little we never fought we never hated each other we were always so close and I think now we are even closer then ever. Even though Madi lives in California so we are not able to be together very often we still take care of each other and are always there whenever we need each other. No one can make me laugh harder then these those two when we get together we have so much fun. I love all of our inside jokes I love that we all have the same since of humor. I just want to take some time to tell them and the blogging world how amazing they are!

My sisters have always been there for me. When I think about everything I have been threw in my life all the good and bad they are always by my side. They never judge me for the bad choices I have made, they support me with everything, and they never leave my side when I need the most. I know that they will always be by my side my entire life I trust them more then anyone else in the world and they will always be there for me as my sister and as my friends.

MEAGEN:

Meagen is so amazing. Over the years her and I have formed a very special bond. We lived together for about 8 months and we had so much fun together. She is such a strong person. I look up to her in so many ways. She is so creative and I have always admired her for that. I wish I had the creativity she has. She has so many talents she is a great photographer and has the ability to make anything and everything beautiful. She has a way of making wherever she is living feel like home. I just loved the apartment that we lived in together she made it so beautiful. She has a strength inside of her that I think everyone wishes they had for themselves. Sometimes I dont think she realizes what a truly strong and inspiring person she is. While we were living together we both went threw very hard times in our lives. I just hope that I was as much help and support to her as she was for me.

Over the years Meagen has taken care of me in ways that has helped me so much and has helped me get threw things that I never thought I would be able to survive. I can not even express how appreciative I am of the things she has done for me. She has taken care of me so many times while I have been sick I could be here all night talking about all the times she has stepped up and took care of me. She has helped me recover after surgeries, she has held my hair while I threw up, she has spent numerous sleepless nights in the hospital with me but always makes it as fun as possible. She may not know this but she has a way of ALWAYS lifting my spirits as soon as she walks into my hospital room. She always makes sure that I have fun movies to watch and if I am allowed to eat she always makes sure that I have whatever sounds good. She has even made trips to 3 different places in one night just to give me everything that sounded good to me. She always makes sure that I have all my medicine, she has learned how to change IV bags, administer medicine threw a picc line. She always make sure that I know whatever I am going threw I will make it out of it alive. She is such an amazing care taker. The past 6 months have been so hard for me physically and emotionally. I had an extremely hard hospital stay in August and she stayed with me all day all night. She never left my bedside. When I was first taken to the hospital I started out in the Emergency Room at one hospital and taken to another hospital by ambulance. When she knew that I would be transferred she immediately went home, got me clothes, movies, and of course my stuffed pig that is always with me in the hospital to make sure that I was comfortable. She even beat the ambulance to the hospital to make sure that she was there when I arrived. She has never once questioned my pain, or sickness and when she knew that I was going threw a very hard time and in what we like to call the "dark place" she suggested that I get some help and start seeing a therapist and since I have been in therapy she has been so supportive and is always on my side no matter what. She is such a great caretaker and I don't think that anyone can say that their sister has done as much for them as she has done for me. She has been there to always defend me and stick up for me in any situation. I know there are times that I have leaned on her probably more then I should but she just always makes me feel safe. She has helped me in ways that she doesn't even know and I am SO grateful for her and her love.

Like I said Meagen and I have a very special bond. We have a way of always know what each other are thinking and can always finish each others sentences. It sometimes freaks us out at the way we are able to read each others minds! I want her to know how much I love her and admire her so much. She is such an amazing person and I cherish our relationship so much. I am so glad that we have been able to maintain such a beautiful and awesome bond threw the years that continues to grow every day. I love you Meagen!

MADISON:

Oh Madi my love! I have so much to say about Madi I dont even know where to start! Actually I do. Let me just start off by saying that I LOVE her personality. She is the FUNNIEST person I know. Seriously. She can make me so laugh so hard its amazing and I love it. She is so quick to make hilarious remarks and jokes it amazes me at how quick she is! She is also an amazing friend. Everyone who can call her a friend is truly lucky. She will do ANYTHING for everyone she loves and cares for. She is so protective of the ones she loves that she will always be there for every one of her friends. No matter what they need she will always be there. I am truly honored to not only be able to call her my sister but also my friend.

I have to admit that Madi and I have always been close but Madison and I didn't always have the relationship that we do now. And the relationship and bond that we have now is so important and special to me. Even though she lives in California I feel closer to her now more then ever.

Madi is such a strong person she can make it threw anything. I admire the strength that she has. There are things that she has been threw in life that I know that I would not be able to make it threw, and the way she has is truly amazing and admirable. Growing up she was always a "sort your own laundry" kinda girl but I know that she has changed since she was living at home with us and I love it when she calls me to vent or ask advice anything like that. I feel so special when she does that I love that she and I are able to talk to each other about hard things we are going threw or anything like that and anytime I am having a hard time she can ALWAYS make me feel better by laughing and always reminding me to not take things so seriously and that everything will find a way to work out. Even if it may not be the way I want it to she always reminds me that however it does things will be okay and we will find a way to survive. I don't think that there are many people in the world who have the ability to make people realize things like that and Madi truly has that talent. I love the relationship that Madi and I have now and I hope that we can continue to make our bond stronger and I hope she knows how much I cherish our relationship!
Madi helped me threw a very difficult situation in May. When I was out visiting her for my birthday was when I found out that our parents were getting a divorce. As soon as I got off of the phone I broke down and she was right there to comfort me. I feel like it was a blessing that I was there with her during that time because she made things a lot easier for me. And even though I got that phone call on my birthday she made sure that it did not ruin my day! She made it so much fun and did everything she could to take my mind off of what was going on at home. Like I said I am grateful for the blessing that I was able to be with her during that time. Thank you Madison you will never know how much easier you made that situation for me! I love you!

Madison is an AMAZING mother. As soon as she found out she was pregnant she immediately had this amazing spirit about her. She was such a cute little pregnant girl who had so much love for Kelvin while he was growing inside her. I loved hearing the updates about her appointments and the growth of the baby and everything exciting that comes along with pregnancy. I cant even tell you how amazing of a mother she is. She is the most selfless person and the love she has for Kelvin is so beautiful. When she found out that he has Downsyndrom she learned everything there is to know about it so that she can always take care of him and give him the most healthy and wonderful life. She is so caring and again the love that she has for him is just beautiful. Kelvin is truly lucky to have such wonderful parents who love him so much and would do anything in the world for him. She is so protective of Kelvin and the bond that they have is wonderful. I love being able to spend time with her and see her in action! She takes such good care of him and he is just the happiest baby in the world! She has always been very mature for her age and she just makes me SO proud of her of how great a mother and wife she is. If I ever have kids I hope that I can be the kind of mother that she is. I hope that if I do have kids she will be there to help me out and teach me everything there is to know and how to be so caring and loving like she is! I love Kelvin so much he is the CUTEST kid in the world. He has such an amazing spirit about him I just love him so so much. I wish that we lived closer so that we could spend more time with her and her family but I cherish the times that we get to be together. Thank you Brady and Madi for bringing him into the world! I have the cutest most kick ass nephew in the entire world!!! If that smile doesn't make you melt I don't know what will!

I just wanted to take a little time and let everyone know how special my sisters are. I could be here all night sharing stories and great things about them! I hope they know how much I love them and how important they are to me. I sometimes feel like people should be jealous of how great my sisters are and how close we are to each other. Anyone who has sisters should always make time for each other and should develop great relationships with them. I don't think that there is any friendship more important and great then the ones that sisters have with each other. Like I said Sisters by chance friends by choice!!

Let me just finish off by saying.. LOOK HOW BEAUTIFUL MY SISTERS ARE!!!

Insomnia and frustration

2011-02-03T03:24:00.000-08:00

iNsOmNiA.... I HaTe YoU!!

My insomnia is making my life REALLY frustrating. Its really starting to piss me off. And tonight I have so much on my mind that it is making it 10 times worse.

Today I had to go BACK to court (UGH) to ask the judge to switch my work diversion into community service. Let me just start off by saying there is a HUGE difference between the two. Work Diversion is very physical manual labor. It is all outside doing things such as picking up trash, cutting down trees, shoveling snow things like that. For 8 hours straight. Community service is basically doing volunteer work... working in libraries, hospitals, some office work, its all inside and not physical work.

Now that I have explained that let me just say that having to go back to court is so depressing! Court is depressing! I want so badly to correct my mistake and put this behind me. Every time I walk into the courtroom I get a sick feeling in my stomach. It just reminds me of the mistake that I made and how badly I hate myself for it. Court is terrifying and being surrounded by inmates in shackles and having to go before a very intimidating judge for the FOURTH time is just depressing and I hate it. But I had to do it and I will be honest and say that I have actually been blessed with a very good public defender ( Its not the HOT one who looks like Ryan Gosling who I will confess Meagen and I TOTALLY have a crush on who makes court so much better when he walks into a room.... Let me put it this way.. He is so good looking I would go out and commit another crime in hopes that he will be my public defender hahahah JUST KIDDING I am not really thinking about doing that but he is so good looking) Anyway... what was I saying? Oh yes, I have been blessed with a very good public defender who has made this whole situation a lot easier. She explains things very well and has done everything to make this not so scary! She did a great job of getting a plea deal for me and well... I wont go into more detail but she has made things a lot easier and has worked very hard on my case! Also, I have been very blessed to also get on the judges good side. I don't know what I did to do that but she is very nice to me and even though I am ALWAYS one of the lasts ones to go up and talk to her she never gives me the lecture that she usually gives everyone else who is there. Its weird when I am sitting there and listening to everyone elses cases and everything she seems so scary and I am SO nervous to go up even though my attorney does all the talking I just stand there I am so nervous to go up but once I get up there Its really not that bad because she is not mean to me or scary with me at all. So I feel like I have been blessed with those things.

( I promise I am going somewhere with this... thanks for continuing reading this far.)

But today I had to go back and ask for my work diversion to be switched to community service. When I was sentenced she ordered me to do 15 days of work diversion I was only able to do one. 8 hours of picking up trash gave me about 6 days flat on my back literally having to have meagen help me walk up and down the stairs, get in bed, brush my hair, everything because I was hurting so badly just from that 1 day. I knew that I just physically was not going to be able to do the physical work involved with that. I immediately called my attorney and she told me to call the deputies with the program explain that I have a medical condition that is not allowing me to be able to do everything involved with the program. I did just that he said that I had credit for 1 day and that I can either just go spend the rest of the 14 days in County Jail or I can go before the judge and asked it to be switched to community service. Okay well HELLO Obviously I am going to avoid jail if all possible so my attorney started the process of getting it switched over. She first tried asking the prosecutor if they were okay with it if they were there was no need for me to go before the judge. She never got a response from them so we set a court date. Which was today. I brought in medical documents including a letter from my doctor saying that I have fibromyalgia. Let me just say the prosecutor was SUCH an ASS! And if I had the chance I would have let him have a piece of my mind but had I said what I wanted to I am pretty sure my ass would be in the slammer tonight so I am going to get it off my mind right here! We went before the judge and explained the situation and asked her to have it switched over. She said okay does the state (prosecutor) have any problems with that? This guy stood up and said " Well, my only concern is is that she just doesn't want to be out in the cold picking up garbage. I think that this illness she is claiming to have may just be an excuse to get out of this and blow it off." So my attorney turned around and said " Well, to be honest I am not extremely familiar with fibromyalgia but I know enough that the cold does make the pain worse but this is not an excuse to get out of anything her illness is just not going to allow her to do the physical work." So he replied by saying " Well, she did one day and there is no record of her saying anything or complaining of pain or any mention of her not being able to do the work because of it." OKAY! HELLO!! Of course I am not going to complain while I am there I was told I would go to jail for that and what was I suppose to do go to the officer and say "Yeah I hurt so can I just sit in the van with you the rest of the day" OH MY GOSH!! So the judge actually kind of defended me by saying "Well community service is not physical manual labor like work diversion is I see why they are asking for it to be switched." And the prosecutor said "Well its your call your honor but I just think that we may be here in a few weeks with her saying that she can't do that either and is finding a way to get out of it."
I was SOOOO MAD!! I so badly just wanted to turn around and be like ya know what I would LOVE to be able to just go and do the work and be done with this. But something as simple as picking up garbage just about killed me. I would love for my body to be able to allow me to do the work that so many other are able to do. I am not trying to get out of anything I followed every step that I was told to do to make everyone aware that it is a physical illness that is not allowing me to do it. And if you were familiar with fibro AT ALL you would know why its not easy for me. DO NOT make accusations such as I am just trying to find a way to get out of this and I just don't want to be out in the cold and just whining about working. I was SO MAD!! And I just can not get this off of my mind. It is just bugging me so badly how rude he was and the rude things he was saying like so much of it was just so uncalled for I so badly wanted to stick up for myself but I couldn't. It makes me want to send a letter and say everything I wish I could have said in the courtroom with just a few sheets on information about Fibro. But honestly it wasn't even the fact that he didn't think that fibro was a good enough reason it was the fact that he accused me of just wanting to get out of this and trying to blow it off because I just don't want to pick up garbage. UGH! SO FREAKING RUDE!!! In the end the judge ruled in my favor and gave me 112 community service hours on the condition that I turn in progress reports to let her know that I am doing it. I am going to do it as QUICKLY as possible she gave me until August 31st to finish it but I am going to get it done ASAP just so I can show that guy that I am not trying to blow this off I just physically am un able to do the hard manual labor. JERK OFF!

If there is anyone that actually read all of that thanks for listening to me vent... Haha! I know it seems like all I do is bitch but for those of you who worry about my emotional mental status I promise I am doing better despite my anger that I just displayed! Thanks again for reading and here are some pictures that I wanted to share... They are of me and my awesome friend Sam years ago modeling for a Paul Mitchell hair show. It was SO much fun!! Enjoy! ( And dont worry my hair was only that freaking WHITE for the show... they gave me a more natural looking blonde afterwards! For free!! Yay!!) Oh and also! I am flying out on Monday to see Madi and I can not wait!!

Fibromyalgia

2011-01-30T09:10:00.000-08:00

Hello friends. Taking advantage of my insomnia and the fact that we have the Internet at my house for the first time in a month I thought that I would do a post on Fibromyalgia. * Warning: This post does include the F word once*

Fibromyalgia is an increasingly recognized chronic pain illness which is characterized by widespread musculoskeletal aches, pain and stiffness, soft tissue tenderness, general fatigue and sleep disturbances. The most common sites of pain include the neck, back, shoulders, pelvic girdle and hands, but any body part can be involved. Fibromyalgia patients experience a range of symptoms of varying intensities that wax and wane over time.

Symptoms of Fibromyalgia:

Body aches
Chronic facial muscle pain or aching
Fatigue
Irritable bowel syndrome
Memory difficulties and cognitive difficulties
Multiple tender areas (muscle and joint pain) on the back of the neck, shoulders, sternum, lower back, hips, shins, elbows, knees
Numbness and tingling
Palpitations
Reduced exercise tolerance
Sleep disturbances
Tension or migraine headaches
Multiple sensitivities

As most of my readers know I have been living with Fibroymalgia for the past 7 years of my life. I have another blog that I started about a year ago called myfibrofight.blogspot.com it is about me and my struggle with Fibromyalgia. I will often talk about fibro on this blog but mostly I just bitch about how I am feeling really crappy and move on but today I am going to really talk about it. The past 7 months have been the hardest for me since I was diagnosed. Fibromyalgia is a very hard disease to live with. It is physically and mentally exhausting. A lot of doctors still believe that it is just a catch all for all symptoms that they can't find another diagnosis for. Sadly, a lot of doctors believe that because it does not show up on blood tests or an X ray that it is all mental. The pain and everything else that goes along with it is all in your head. That is just something that everyone with Fibromyalgia has to learn to accept that there are a lot of doctors and people out there that just don't believe that its real. So not only do Fibro patients have to fight the fibro fight but they have to fight every day sticking up for themselves and defending themselves trying to make doctors and others who may think the same believe that every symptom that comes with Fibromyalgia is actually taking over their life. Luckily for me, ( well I thought so anyway ) I have had a doctor who has not only believed that the pain is real but has also stuck up for me and helped defend me to those unbelieving doctors. Until now. I am not going to go into detail of all the problems I have had with my doctor lately but I will just share the most recent thing that has happened that has made me realize that he needs to be voted off of the "Holli Island." The last time I saw him my appointment ended with me holding back tears and having to hold back the urge to tell him to go fuck himself more then I have ever wanted to tell someone that in my entire life. Thanks to many months in therapy now I have learned different ways to deal with stressful situations and negative people. But don't worry I have an anonymous letter in the works! =) (Just kidding.. maybe.) After many months of he and I trying to work out a new treatment plan for me that didn't just involve him giving me pain pills his final decision was to say " Fibromyalgia pain is all psychosomatic and you just need to go to therapy to work threw your ISSUES and you will be fine." The first time since living with Fibro and hearing something like that I did not defend myself and my pain. After months of going back and forth with him on what to do about my fibro and my pain I knew that me trying to argue with him about it and what he just said would not make a difference. All I did was shake my head, got up and left... and in my mind I pictured kicking him right in the area that God only intended to be treated nicely and telling him to go work threw his issues in therapy to make the pain go away. Now like I said every Fibro patient has to deal with doctors who say things like that.. the reason I was so upset is because for SEVEN years now he has been treating my fibromyalgia pain and everything else that comes with it. For SEVEN years he has believed that this is a disease. That the pain is real, and he has treated it. And now all of a sudden its all in my head. And guess what.. for the past 4 months I have been in therapy working threw my issues and my fibro has not gone away. That is not a treatment plan, learning to "Deal" with it is not a treatment plan, and going from being a doctor who is treating Fibromyalgia as a real disease to a doctor who believes that its all in your head is wrong on so many levels.

I will be the first to admit that therapy can be a huge part of a treatment plan when it comes to treating Fibro. Stress can make your pain become a lot worse very quickly. It is very important for people with fibro to have things in their life whether it be going to therapy and talking to someone or getting a massage every week or simply having a pet whatever it may be it is very important for fibro patients to have something in their life to help with every day stress and to help with the mental effects that living in chronic pain can have on you. Like I said I have been in therapy for about 3 months now and while I think it has been very helpful working threw personal issues I have been going threw since May and learning coping mechanisms that I have never had before I don't think that therapy that consists of talking to someone is for me. I would rather spend an hour talking to my sisters or lay in a tanning bed for 15 minutes that is more relaxing to me then talking to a stranger for an hour. Like I said it has been helpful and I am not saying its all crap its just not for me. But I 100 percent believe that everyone living with something that takes over your life like fibro does needs something in their life other then medicine to help with the mental and emotional effects that come along with a chronic illness.

The past few weeks have been extremely hard for me. Again mentally and physically. It started physically and then the emotional strings connected to all of this started to be pulled. I am very lucky to live with my sister who has been a huge and wonderful caretaker of me for a long time and especially the past few months. She is someone who has learned everything she can about my fibro to understand better and to know when the days are that I really need help physically and the days I really need help emotionally. The past month she has done everything to doing my hair for me on the days I literally cant even lift my arms up to brush my own hair to just letting me cry because I feel so bad for having to have her walk me to the bathroom and up and down the stairs and help me get dressed because I cant do it alone. She will always be my friend who will never leave me because they don't understand how one day I can be just fine and the next I cant even get out of bed. Just the other night she had to take me to the Emergency Room because my pain had gotten so bad that I hadn't eaten in days and became dehydrated so she took me to the Emergency Room and kept me company while I laid there and got better. While we were there the nurse asked us "So how do you two know each other?" and when we told him we were sisters and that Meagen is my ER buddy he laughed and said "well its nice that you have someone who will bring and sit with you when you are sick like this" And I just thought about how right he was and how lucky I am to have such a great caretaker and supporter like her and how lucky I am to have someone who is so understanding of me and my ups and downs and will always believe me when I say I don't feel well even though I "don't look sick" While in therapy a few weeks ago she asked me what kind of support system I had outside of my family.. I told her I have very few friends in my life that I truly love and mean so much to me and have been very supportive of me and always there during all my years of health problems and everything else in between. I told her how I have lost a lot of friends because they just don't understand what its like to live with Chronic pain. They don't understand that again, one day I can be fine and the next you are in the hospital. They don't understand how I just physically cant do everything they can because even the easiest things for them can be the hardest things for me. And I then said that I don't blame a single one of them for moving on. Unless you live with something like this, or you live with someone who has something like this you really cant understand completely what its like and why they have limits like I do.

Fibromyalgia has taken over my life. I will not say that it has ruined my life because it has made me the way I am and given me strength that I don't think I would have found in myself any other way. It has given me a chance to find who my true friends are. They are most positive and supportive friends that I know I am lucky and honored to have them in my life and I have found new friends that Fibromyalgia has connected us and I love them so much and am so glad I have them in my life. I cant say that it has ruined my life because it is up to me on how I chose to adjust my life around it. But it has taken over. It has taken away so much from me. It has taken away my energy, my spirit, who I was and made me the person I never thought I would be. It has made me angry, hateful and inpatient. I once thought that I would make myself a career out of dancing and spend my life doing that it was the one thing that I loved to do most in the world and I was good at it. Now, I can't even plan for tomorrow because I don't know what I'm going to wake up to. No matter how long you live with something like this there are things you will never get use to and things that will never get easier. It will never be easy to accept all the things that it has taken away from me and prevents me from doing. I will never get use to how completely unfair it all is. I feel in someways I am a strong person but another part of me is so weak and disappointing. I often feel like I have nothing to offer to anyone else and I don't like to bring new people into my life because I don't want to bring the burden that is myself into their lives.

Because things have been so rough for me the past few weeks when it comes to my fibro I have done everything I can to try and get any type of relief from the physical pain and emotional pain that I have been experiencing. I recently joined a Fibromyalgia Support Group and it really is a great group. They are all fighters and have the understanding of this better then anyone else could have. I know this is going to sound incredibly selfish and maybe a little wrong but as great as the group is a part of me is also jealous as well. I am jealous of those that have great insurance and great doctors that are able to offer these treatment plans that have medicine and all these other things that I don't have and am unable to have. But when I start to think about that I just have to remind myself that maybe not all those people that have a good treatment plan and a good doctor have such great sisters like I do. They may not have good parents like I do that would do whatever they could do to make me feel better. They may not have a support system at all outside of that group. What they may have that I don't, I may have that they don't.

I have a couple friends that live with Fibromyalgia as well ( You know who you are! ) and its so nice to be able to be friends with people who understand the physical pain and emotional pain that this causes. I feel like we have a beautiful friendship that other people may not be able to experience because they don't have a connection with each other like the one that fibro brings us. It is so wonderful to have a friendship like the ones I have with these girls and the support and love we give and show each other is just amazing and I will cherish it forever. I just love them so much and I hope they know how much they mean to me! I also love my friends that don't have this as well because its nice to be able to be around healthy people who I am able to escape what I am living with and they are the most positive people and have the most beautiful spirits about them and I feel so lucky to have them in my life! Even the friends ( and you all know who you are as well! ) that I don't get to be around very often and the friends that I even just get to talk with over text messaging or facebook they are so amazing to me and I cant even explain how big of a place they will always hold in my heart. The things all these friends have done for me is not something that everyone gets to say they have had happen to them in life and not a lot of people get to have such amazing people and support and I cherish every single one of them and memories I have with all of them.

I will continue to fight my fibro fight and hope for a cure. I hope that one day I will be able to say " I am pain free" I hope for the day that I don't say " I don't feel good" I will continue to help spread the word of Fibromyalgia to help people get a better understanding of it and if you know someone who has Fibromyalgia don't ever question whether or not they are actually feeling what they say they are.... THEY ARE FEELING THE PAIN and every other symptom that goes along with fibromyalgia. Don't ever say things like " But you don't look sick.." to them..This is such a tiring and hard thing to live with and I wish more then anything in the world that I was not living with it. But again I will continue to fight and remember that even though it has taken away so much there are things that it has given me. Friends love support and understanding for others are things that I would not change for the world. And even though I may not have a good doctor or a good treatment plan or any for that matter I have things that other fighters may not. I will continue to try and find a good doctor and treatment plan for myself and until then I will cherish and never ever forget all the support and love I have from others and you all know who you are and who I am talking about! Thank you!!

To learn more about Fibromyalgia click HERE - Also to learn about what it is like to live with chronic pain and a chronic illness like fibro read The Spoon Theory HERE

Goodbye Norma Jean

2011-01-02T13:28:00.000-08:00

Candle In The Wind

Elton John

Goodbye Norma Jean

Though I never knew you at all

You had the grace to hold yourself

While those around you crawled

They crawled our of the woodwork

And they whispered into your brain

They set you on a treadmill

And they made you change your name

And it seems to me you lived your life

Like a candle in the wind

Never knowing who to cling to

When the rain set in

And I would have liked to have known you

But I was just a kid

Your candle burned out long before

Your legend ever did

Loneliness was tough

The toughest role you ever played

Hollywood created a superstar

And pain was the price you paid

Even when you died

Oh the press still hounded you

All the papers had to say

Was that Marilyn was found in the nude

Goodbye Norma Jean

From the young man in the 22nd row

Who sees you as something as more then sexual

More then just our Marilyn Monroe

Jack and Diane

2011-01-02T09:35:00.000-08:00

I have a few things that I need to ramble about.

First of all. Yesterday, I went to Walmart ( Which I LOOOAAAATTTHHH) I HATE walmart. I hate the screaming children, I hate the parents that just let their children scream. GIVE THEM A DAMN TOY OR SOMETHING! I hate all the freaking zoobiez there that where there "Cougar Pride" or whatever. Ugh makes me want to vomit. I hate that you have to stand in line for EVER to buy like a carrot. I swear I could get pregnant and give birth and the line still wouldnt have moved. Where was I going with this....?? OH yeah so yesterday I went to wal mart to use the ATM ( So I guess this story has more to do with the atm not wal mart.... but any chance to express my hate towards wal mart im gonna take it) So I made a withdrawl of 100.00 dollars from the ATM no problem it gave me the 100.00 dollars and then nicely asked if I wanted to make another transaction. I pressed yes. I asked for 40.00 more dollars.... PROBLEM. It never gave me the 40.00 dollars! It just spit my card out and spit the reciept out showing that I made a withdrawl of 40.00 but not the actual money. What the FU? So I checked the balance and it showed the money was taken out. UGH so I went to cumstomer service and they said I have to wait until monday when the little bank inside wal mart is open becuse the atm is theirs. Seriously? COME ON! How annoying!!

How do people get so many followers on their blog? I follow some blogs of people that I don't know and I look at their follwers and good greif its like an entire army of followers and they have never even met them. Its like some secret blog world that I want to be apart of!

Ya know what movie always freaked me out when I was little? Once Upon a Forest." So creepy! And whenever I hear the name Cornelius it totally reminds me of that movie and it freaks me out. If I were going to have children I would never let them watch that. Uncle Cooornelius. .. Freaky.

I am at work and I am so bored and tired and the fact that I have to come back at 11pm and do another 8 hour shift kind of makes me want to either throw up or cry Im not sure which one but they are both bad. I may day of bordem. And my feet and back are hurting.. its days like this that I hate my freaking jack ass doctor.

Ugh whatever. Im going to make a bagel. Peace out

I am Human.. almost.

2011-01-01T08:59:00.000-08:00

This past week I have almost felt human again. First of all I have started working on call at the hotel which I love... it gets me out of the house, its money coming in, and I never thought I would say this but I actually miss the hotel and the guests so much I just love being there.

Yup thats me working back in my work uniform.. and wanna know the best part? Is that when I left the hotel in July I was ( I am to embarassed to say the actuall number I weighed) So when I left I was... heavy. And now since I have lost about 37 pounds my uniform is SO big on me! That is so exciting to me knowing that I have lost so much weight! Even though it wasnt really a healthy way of losing the weight but whatever I don't care I like it!

The other day I was able to go and get my hair cut and colored. Which I sooo badly needed. I had not had either done since May! My hair got so long and dead that it would hurt having to brush out all the knots and it would take forever to blow dry. So anyway I went and got it done. The girl who did it didn't cut it as short as I would have liked it but oh well atleast its cut and looks healthy again. And since I died my hair that dark brown it was at this ugly poo brown color and I really want to go back to blonde so I put blonde highlights in it. She said I just need to keep doing that and eventually it will bleach out the brown. So hopefully by Summer time I will have my blonde back like normal but for now I am okay with the brown with blonde highlights.

( I know my photo taking skills are pretty ligit... and also I am not sure why my fingers look like vienna sausages... I swear my fingers are not that huge and pig like. Sick.. )

Meagen and I have been tanning twice this week and let me tell you how GREAT it felt! I think everyone in our family has seasonal depression and I think Meagen has it the worst of all of us so I know that it helps her out alot.. and to my suprise it really help me feel pretty relaxed and being in the warm tanning bed even for just 9 minutes it really felt good on my muscles it was great! Plus I have a little color now so I don't look like death anymore! Win Win!

I got into work this morning to my suprise there was a pay check for me! For last Sunday I guess the pay period was not over so I got a check for the one day! I was so excited!! I have not had a check or money anything in so long that belongs to me!!

I was so excited I know 67.00 dollars is not much but it just felt good to have money of mine that I worked for again and not just been given to me. I have not worked since July so its a really good feeling. It makes me feel like a normal functioning person of society again.

Also a great feeling... I had to go and get my court ordered substance abuse evaluation a few weeks ago and I got the results of it on Thursday.. Take a look...

" Holli does not meet the criteria for substance abuse treatment."

"No recommendation for treatment is being made."

So for everyone who thought my mental breakdown had anything to do with an addiction problem it wasnt. And after having doctors and therapist saying that it wasn't as well I now have proof from a professional drug councler saying that I am not an adict. So thanks everyone for sharing your opnions even though I did not ask for it you can now go and shove it! Thanks!

Last night was New Years Eve and I had so much fun hanging out with Meagen. We had a Harry Potter and Zelda Marathon! It was really fun! I think we still have 2 Harry Potters left and then we are gonna go and see the new one! Meagen has already seen it but I havent so I am excited.

I don't really believe in New Years Resolutions so what I have decided to do is put the year 2010 in a big box... put it away to a place that I will never find it again and FORGET everything about it! 2010 has been by far the WORST year of my life and I never want to have to think about it ever again.

But I woke up this morning with dog shit all over my room so Im hoping that is not a sign that 2011 will be just as shitty as 2010. No pun intended.

I just almost feel human again getting out of the house to get my hair done and go tanning like I use to before my life fell apart. Just getting out of the house and being able to work is just an amazing feeling for me I almost feel like a normal person! I am really trying me best to get up and around no matter how badly I hurt and feel but I am on my own with my health issues so I have to find a plan that works for me. So far, No plan. But hopefully the year 2011 may bring a good doctor for me, a good treatment plan for me, and something that really works so that I don't have another mental breakdown like the mental breakdown of 2010. Heres to the New Year.

Santa?

2010-12-18T05:35:00.000-08:00

Dear Santa,

I know I haven't been the greatest girl this year but if it's not to much trouble I would like to be placed on the "nice list". I have added a my Christmas wishlist in case you change your mind and decide to break into my house like the others and leave me gifts under our house plant. ( in case you get confused since we dont have a tree you can just pick any plant I'm not picky)

~ my court fines paid in full ( please include a reciept for my records Santa)
~someone to do my 14 days of work diversion. I dont think the deputies would mind I'm not that much help chopping up trees anyway. I'm not a trained lumberjack for hells sake.
~ a new laptop ... Mine has cancer or something and is no longer alive and kicking. It's more like dead and being used as a coaster.
~ all of meagens movies back that she has sold. I would ask for mine but hers were better and I just steal them. ( you cAn put me on the naughty list next year.)
~ a new doctor who has not forgotten about their oath he took. And for some certaint doctors to get a swift kick in the ass.
~ a great job for meAgen
~ free time for Madi
~ To have the ability to bark removed from tonka and marley
~ A life supply of sprite, cafe rio, and beef roman noodles.
~ A one way ticket to anywhere thAt is warm has a beach and alcohol and so far away that no one knows where I am.... And never to return again.

Merry ( Insert f word here ) Christmas.

2010-12-15T01:48:00.000-08:00

Dear fellow utahns,

Please be more considerate and stop throwing shit outside your car windows while traveling.
Today I did my first day of the work diversion program and let me tell you not only am I basically paralized from hurting so badly after picking up trash for 8 hours straight but I also realized how discusting and rude people are. You would not believe the crap I picked up from I-15 today. I'm talking tupperware storage bins, knifes, phones, kids shitty diapers, take out boxes still filled with food, bags of vomit and that's just the beginning i can't even get into everything else. Now you can say I should t complain because I broke the law you do the crime you do the time blah blah blah that's not whY I'm complaining about but I just realized that people are so rude and inconsiterate to not only destroy and make your state and the earth ugly and discusting but just remember when you are about to throw your perfectly good shoes or blankets and pillows and gloves out your window why don't you stop and think about putting those somewhere else maybe to someone in need of those items instead of just on the side of the rode for someone to eventuLly clean up and just throw away. Never again inmmy life will I litter not even a gum wrApper and if I find out any of you have I will literally physically kick your ass! Okay:) great thanks I'm glad we have an understanding! Also again I'm not complaining because I have to do this but just let me point out that if you think that honking and screaming out your window when you see people in orange vests labeled Utah county Sheriff inmate work crew is funny it's not and to ne honest it makes you look more like an ass then any of us so just don't bother. ThAnks for letting me get this out there.

Happy holidays!

- Trash girl.

One day down and 14 to go.

Ps I wish I was allowed to bring my camera so I could take pictures of all this stuff I found today we probably collected over 45 HUGE bags of trash today if not more.

Apparently I have readers

2010-12-11T21:16:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about deleting my blog for a few reasons, 1: becuase my laptop is broken and no longer works so its kind of hard to blog when you have nothing to use. 2: Because I didnt think I still had readers besides My mom and Meagen and frankly they can listen to me bitch ( Which is basically all I do on my blog) everyday. 3: Because I just have nothing positive in my life and well I dont want to blog about what is going on in my life because its all just shit.

But this last week I did have the first good thing that has happened to me in like a year. Ill give you hints.

NO MORE of the BIG BLUE SHOWER CONDOM

NO MORE saline flushes everyday ( Ok not like I really did it every day but if IV therapy asks I totally did)

And NO MORE wearing mesh sleeves over it

NO MORE PICC LINE!!!

Thats right! I got my picc line removed! Finally after having it it for over a year and a half I finally decided I was DONE with it and I got it pulled out! I can wear short sleeves outside the house again! Im so excited its out!! I kind of had the feeling my doctor wanted me to leave it in but I am not really liking him lately so I thought it threw and decided that idea sucked and I said TAKE IT OUT!!!! So he did!! It feels sooooo weird! I have a little hole in my arm Im sure that mark will be there for ever and my skin is really dry and red becuase of being wrapped up like that for so long to have air on it and get it wet feels really strange! But I am very glad its out and Im done with it. Goal is to NEVER have that again! WHAOOOOO.

For those of you who know about my legal problems I am going threw I will give you an update on my sentencing. ( I know some people might think that it is weird and a litttle.....weird to let this information out to the whole world but I am pretty sure the readers I have left already know what happened and what has been going on so whatever I just dont care anymore) Sentencing was about 2 weeks ago. It was by far the worst hearing I had been to. Very scary and very emotional. When I took the stand I had the oppurtunity to say to the judge my side and whatever else I wanted to say and then the prosacuter stood up and said if they had the option they would have just dismissed my case. Which was nice to hear but also frustrating because having heard that but knowing I still had to go threw this was just irritating. Anyway I was sentenced to 18 months court probation which is so amazing all that means is I have to let the court know if I move they always have to be able to find me at my current address. So no probation officer anything like that! So thats awesome. Also I have to pay a fine of about $1500 dollars which I have until July to pay off. And also I got sentenced to 15 days of the work diversion program. Which is basically just community service and this is the part I am dreading the most. Its all very hard manual labor and due to my health I just dont know how well I am going to be able to do it and they are very strict on their rules and no working hard enough and I have to pay 25 dollars a month to be in the program its just very stressfull and if I disobey any of their rules or basically do anything to piss them off I just go to jail. If I dont do any of those by the time I was given to finish everything I will serve a one year prison sentence. But dont worry I dont plan on not doing any of those. This whole situation has been so stressfull and it is just a huge blow to your self essteem and self respect and its just very hard. I am not trying to blame anyone else for my actions I am 100 percent responsible for what I did its just hard to think of everything that has happened and has effected my life negativly since being arrested. All becuase I had a slight mental breakdown. Oh yeah I am also required to keep going to therapy which I have been in for about 3 months now. On some levels it is helping I am learing to deal with my stress better and my current situation with my family and learning better coping mechanisms so ya know hopefully I wont do anything else stupid next time I have a breakdown. Which I am pretty much just planning on and have accepted the fact that it will probably happen again but I will handle my crisis mode better then I did 8 months ago.

I am still struggling every single day due to my health. Dealing with insomnia, horrible pain from the fibromyalgia that I have not had to deal with this badly for years, fighting doctors, no health insurance, and just having my life temporarily haulted due to it all. It is so frustrating I would give anything just to be able to have it at a level that I could go back to work and get some what of a life back and support myself and put this whole thing behind me but unfortuntly I just dont see a light at the end of this tunnel and that is the hardest part. Its terrible and I am quickly getting worse and worse and I just dont know where to go from here, this cant be the rest of my life. It just cant. I cant handle it. UGH

My dad Meagen and I are not doing any Christmas this year we dont even have a christmas tree up or anything. This Holiday season has been extremely difficult and emotionally draining so far but its just something we are going to have to get use to and learn that this is how it will be from now on and theres nothing we can do about it. Not being together as a family this time of year is extremely difficult and sometime just sickning but it is what it is I guess. I hope everyone does have a great Christmas. Spend it with your family and friends and cherish it becuase you never know when things may change. Thank you to everyone who has supported me and cared for me the past 8 months or so I know I dont show it or say it enough but I am very greatfull and appreciate it all so thank you.

Anyway thats an update and thats all I got for now. Like I said I apparently still have some readers so I will try and do better at blogging but I will warn you now it will probably not be anything exciting funny or positive so if you want to stop reading I understand and dont blame you.

Peace!

Voices

2010-10-23T19:11:00.000-07:00

What do all these guys have in common???

Casey Afleck

Erik Dane Aka McSteamy

Dean Winters Aka Johnny Gavin from Rescue me or Aka The Voice of Meyhem

Romany Malco Aka Conrad From Weeds

Boston Rob from Survivor... ( He has an accent..enough said.)

Jeffrey Dean Morgan Aka Denny from Greys Anatomy

Leo Dicaprio (Watch him in The Departed)

Aaron Paul Aka Jesse Pinkman from Breaking Bad

Wentworth Miller Aka Michael Scofield from Prison Break

Ryan Gosling

Shia Labeouf

Russle Crowe

Kenneth Johnson

Keifer Sutherland

Heath Ledger

Paul Walker

Paul Rudd

Seann William Scott AKA STIFFLER

Justin Chambers Aka Alex Karev from Greys Anatomy

THEY ALL HAVE THE HOTTEST VOICES EVER!!!

**Wildcard Selection**

Jim Parsons AKA Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory

The Sorting Hat From Harry Potter

Christoper Mintz-Plasse AKA McLovin'

( Hahaha Ok The Wildcard ones are just suppose to be funny but the ones before those....Hottest...voices....ever..!!)

um..yes your honor.....

2010-09-16T15:36:00.000-07:00

I have a few questions

I do swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth but if you dont mind i would like to ask some questions:

Your honor if I could just take a teensey bit of your time to help me get my questions answered that would be fabooo!!!!

First of all

Are you sending me to prison?

I understand there is a difference between jail and prison.

Which Prison will I be going to and where is it located?

Will I need my swim suit?

Or will I need some winter gloves with the fingers cut out so I can use my hands better...

(not for shanking I promise!)

Speaking of shanking...will I really need one? .. A Shank?.. If yes, is there a youtube video available to self teach me how to make one. . Maybe I should stop by barnes and noble and catch up on my shank making skills.

There is a few things I would like to bring with me should you decide your punishment for me be prison..

My pink pig. Its always with me when Im sick, which I am. Will my doctor be able to come and visit me or will I be seeing a prison doc?

And your jail hospital... do they have supplies to clean my picc line? I can do it myself, you just supply the supplies!

I have been thinking about how to make my time go by faster and put it to good use while I am doing time in prisneyland.

Just a few ideas: How would you feel about BEDAZZLED hand cuffs? You know, make them sparkle!!

no..?

Okay

I could also Bedazzle the jumpsuits.. Have the words " NAUGHTY" on the butt of the jumpsuits eh eh?

How about classes for kniffty knitters? We will need to talk about getting plastic hooks for it. We'll talk budget and ideas more after you deliver the news of the whether I'm in or out.

Entertainment: Will I have access to my weekly show? Greys Anatomy, The Big Bang Thoery, Weeds, Americas Next Top Model... ya know...my shows. Is there TIVO? A sign up sheet to reserve a spot?

Is there Red Box? I like romantic comedies where the leading ladies fall down alot.

Is there some kind of good prisoner bucks program? Similar to penny for a page reading program?

Is prison a BYOPP (bring your own personal products) or will prison provide them for me? For example : Shampoo and conditioner I will be needing Herbal Essence color me happy shampoo AND conditioner.. Prison is no excuse for split ends!
Dove Soap
Johnsons baby lotion
Collegen building mascara ( Not waterproof!)
And don't forget my loofa!
Pink nailpolish
If prison is not providing these things is there a prison gift shop that I can use my prison pennies to purchase them at?
It is very important that I have an extra orange jumpsuit to lay out as my kidnapper clothes.
Will the Twilight Series be available in the prison library or do I need to ask Brooks to pre order them on amazon?
Will my cell have extra outlets provided for my bath and body works Wallflower? Coconut Lime Verbena.
I will be needing some tape to hang up pictures of myself when I was healthy and happy.. that is my treatment plan after all! Maybe you could talk to the prison doc about giving out that treatment plan to other inmates.
Is there anyway I can get the name of my celly (Im fluent with the prison lingo) so that I can look her up on myspace or facebook to get to know her. Poke her on facebook ( no shankey!)
What kind of computers are available in the big house? And please don't say a white one.
Im putting together a prison playlist on my ipod here is what I have so far:
Jail House Rock - The King!
Rehab - Amy Whinehouse
Folsom Prison Blues-Johnny Cash
I'm a Slave for youuuuuuu- Britney Spears because every playlist needs a little britney!
Do you have anymore suggestions?

Just so you know the tattoo on my wrist has nothing to do with escaping jail. I know I seem like a criminal mastermind and I can pull a lil Michael Scofield but really.. not so much.

I have many friends all over the world will Skype be available?
For my welcome to prison meal this is what I would like:

1 chicken soft taco from dell taco
1 large coke from mcdonalds
1 bag of salt and vinegar chips
I packet of fruit gushers
3 totinos pizza rolls
and a small side of ranch dressing.
1 prison popsicle.

Halloween is right around the corner what costumes will be made available to me? Also, will the prison gift shop have candy available for prison trick or treating?

When I check out of prison will I be assigned a parol officer? If so do I need to get him a Christmas present? Whats his or her shirt size? Do they enjoy bedazzled things? Hopefully they have a facebook or myspace as well.

Now, toilet wine. How does THAT work?

..oh one more thing.. can I reserve a top bunk? If I reserve before I check in it should be guaranteed. Just sayin'...

Thank you for your time-
the possible new fish

Hugs and kisses!!

SORRY IF MY LANGUAGE OR OPINIONS OFFEND

2010-09-07T04:55:00.000-07:00

FIRST OF ALL I APOLOGIZE FOR THE POST IN ALL CAPS I AM NOT MAD I AM JUST ON MY PIECE OF SHIT LAPTOP AND THE CAPS BUTTON IS STUCK.

YOU KNOW HOW OLD PEOPLE SAY THEY ARE READY TO DIE? THEY NO LONGER HAVE FRIENDS FAMILY WHATEVER THEY ARE SICK OF WAITING FOR DEATH. IM TWENTY THREE YEARS OLD AND I HAVE REALIZED IM READY TO DIE. AS I WAS REASERCHING FIBROMYALGIA DOCTORS IN UTAH LAST NIGHT ..WHICH BY THE WAY THERE IS NO GOOD ONES IN UTAH I SAW THIS POP UP FOR FIBRO MEDICINE AND IT SAID " FIBROMYALGIA DOES NOT HAVE TO BE A DEATH SENTENCE" .. FOR ME.. THATS EXACTLY WHAT IT IS.

FIBRO HAS TAKEN AWAY EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE THAT WAS NORMAL THAT WAS GOOD THAT I THOUGHT MY LIFE WOULD BE THAT I WANTED MY LIFE TO BE.. EVERYTHING. BUT FOR 2 YEARS I HAD IT UNDER CONTROL. BUT BY UNDER CONTROL I MEAN A FIVE TIMES PAIN PILL HABIT TO KEEP MY OUT OF THE PAIN.

I REALIZE THAT WHAT I AM ABOUT TO SAY MY OFFEND SOME PEOPLE AND THAT IS NOT MY INTENTION BUT I JUST NEED TO GET THIS OFF OF MY CHEST.

TO START: FOR MY CASE OF FIBROMYALGIA ONE OF THE BIGGEST TRIGGERS OF BAD DAYS IS STRESS. STRESS CAN MAKE ME FEEL TEN TIMES WORSE. THE EVENTS OF MY LIFE THE PAST FIVE MONTHS HAVE BEEN SO UN FAIR AND COMPLETE BULL SHIT THAT IT MAKES ME WANT TO THROW UP JUST THINKING ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED. STRESSFULL DOESNT EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE WHAT I HAVE BEEN FEELING. STRESS MEANS MORE PAIN. MORE PAIN MEANS ME TAKING MORE OF MY PAIN PILLS. SO WHEN I RAN OUT EARLY I GOT A NEW PERSCRIPTION BUT IT HAD A STICKER ON IT THAT SAID I COULD NOT FILL IT UNTIL A CERTIN DATE BECUASE I WAS EARLY BECUASE I TOOK MORE THEN PERSCRIBED THAT MONTH. SO WHEN I SAW THAT I HAD AN ANXIETY ATTACK. THINKING ABOUT HAVING TO LIVE IN PAIN ON TOP OF EVERYTHING ELSE WAS TO MUCH TO HANDLE. SO WHAT DID I DO.. I TOOK THE STICKER OFF. GOT THE MEDICINE FILLED.

BECUASE OF THAT MISTAKE MY LIFE IS NOW OFFICALLY FUCKED. I WAS REPORTED TO THE POLICE FOR PERSCRIPTION FRAUD AND THEY CAME TO ARREST ME. LUCKY FOR ME I WAS NOT TAKEN TO JAIL BECAUSE I HAVE A PICC LINE. AND BECAUSE THERE ARE FAR WORSE PEOPLE OUT THERE THEN A GIRL WHO HAS NO RECORD WHO MADE A MISTAKE OUT OF STRESS ANXIETY AND BECAUSE I WAS THINKING ABOUT HOW I WAS GOING TO FUNCTION WITHOUT PAIN PILLS. UNFORTUNITLY THAT IS WHAT MY LIFE HAS BECOME. BECAUSE EVERY SINGLE PROBLEM I HAVE EVER HAD HEALTH WISE NOT JUST FIBRO HAS BEEN SOLVED BY GIVING ME A PERSCRIPION FOR PAIN PILLS.

AGAIN I AM NOT AN ADDICT. MY BODY IS DEPENDANT ON THEM AND YA KNOW WHAT AFTER EIGHT YEARS OF BEING ON THEM EVERY SINGLE DAY NUMEROUS TIMES A DAY WHOS BODY WOULDNT?? AND THERE IS A HUGE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN ADDICT AND BEING YOUR BODY BEING DEPENDANT. BUT BECAUSE OF THAT MISTAKE MY DOCTORS HAVE TAKEN ME OFF OF EVERYTHING . NOT JUST PAIN PILLS EVERY MEDICATION I WAS ON. SO FOR 2 MONTHS I WENT THREW THE HELL OF WITHDRAWLS.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING IF A DOCTOR EVER TELLS YOU IT ONLY TAKES ABOUT 6 TO 9 DAYS FOR A MEDICATION TO GET OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM AND YOU WILL BE FINE AFTER THAT IS FULL OF SHIT. 2 MONTHS OF WITHDRAWLS A HOSPITAL STAY BECAUSE MY HEART WAS GIVING OUT BECAUSE MY BODY HAD NO POTASIUM FROM BEING SO DEHYDRATED LOSING THIRTY POUNDS AND DAY AFTER DAY OF THOUGHTS OF DOWNING EVERY BOTTLE OF PILLS AND BOOZE YOU CAN FIND AROUND THE HOUSE TO KILL YOURSELF AND END IT ALL RATHER THEN LIVING ONE MORE DAY OF THAT.. NONE OF THAT LASTS 6 TO 9 DAYS. AND THE ONLY HELP I GOT WITH ANY OF THAT AND BY THAT I MEAN I DIDNT GET TAPERED OFF OF THE MEDICATIONS I DIDNT GET ANY HELP WHAT SO EVER FROM MY DOCTORS THE THERAPIST I WAS SEEING..DISMISSED ME AS A PATIENT ( YA THANKS ASSHOLE THE ONLY HELP I GOT WAS
THE ADVICE TO WRITE DOWN ON A PIECE OF PAPER THE WORDS...THIS TO SHALL PASS.

BUT THAT DIDNT WORK FOR ME BECAUSE I KNEW THAT ONCE THE WITHDRAWLS OF COMING OFF OF ALL TWELVE MEDICATIONS I WAS TAKING A DAY ..I WOULDNT FEEL BETTER BECUASE I WOULD BE IN PAIN EVERY SINGLE DAY. AND NOW THREE MONTHS LATER IT IS WORSE THEN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE. YOU CAN SAY I HAVE ONLY MYSELF TO BLAME AND YA KNOW WHAT I DO BLAME MYSELF I DID WHAT I DID AND I WILL HAVE TO LIVE WITH THAT MISTAKE..AND POSSIBLY LIVE WITH THAT MISTAKE IN JAIL BUT IT IS SO UNFAIR THAT BECUASE OF A MISTAKE THAT I MADE OUT OF STRESS AND PANIC AND FEAR I HAVE TO LIVE IN PAIN AND SUFFERING EVERY SINGLE DAY.

HERE IS MY BIGGEST ISSUE: AGAIN MY INTENT IS NOT TO HURT OR OFFEND ANYONE BY SAYING THIS BUT YA KNOW WHAT I FEEL LIKE I HAVE BEEN LET DOWN AND HURT BY EVERYONE I ONCE LOVED OR TRUSTED AND RESPECTED SO IM DONE WITH TRYING TO GIVE ANYONE ELSE ANY OF THOSE THINGS. WHY IS IT THAT ANYONE WHO HAS A DRUG ADDICTION WHETHER IT BE DRUGS ALCHOL SEX WHATEVER....THEY CAN SAY ITS A DISEASE AND THEY GET ALL THE HELP IN THE WORLD. IM SORRY BUT SOMETHING YOU BRING ON YOURSELF LIKE THIS IS NOT A DISEASE. BUT SOMEONE LIKE ME ON THE OTHER HAND WHO REALLY DOES HAVE AN ACTUAL MEDICAL DISEASE THAT I SURE AS HELL DID NOT ASK FOR OR BRING ON MYSELF IS FUCKED OVER BY HER DOCTORS AND IS NOW EXPECTED TO LIVE IN PAIN AND EVERYTHING THAT COMES ALONG WITH FIBRO BECUASE OF A MISTAKE THAT I MADE.... IM SORRY BUT ADDICTION IS NOT A DISEASE BUT YOU ARE GOING TO GET MORE HELP WITH YOUR SO CALLED DISEASE THEN SOMEONE WHO LIVES IN PAIN EVERY SINGLE DAY TO THE POINT OF NOT BEING ABLE TO GET OUT OF BED OR WALK UP AND DOWN THE STAIRS BECAUSE I MADE A MISTAKE THAT WAS MADE TO PROTECT MYSELF FROM THAT SO THAT I COULD GET UP AND GO TO WORK AND LIVE AND FUNCTION THE BEST I CAN. THAT SHOULD TELL YOU HOW BAD LIFE WITH THIS DISEASE IS. TO DO SOMETHING LIKE WHAT I DID SO I WOULDNT HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT... JUST THINK ABOUT THAT. I AM NOT TRYING TO GET PITTY OR HAVE SOMEONE TELL ME TO HANG IN THERE THINGS WILL GET BETTER OR MAKE ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT WHAT I DID OR HAVE ANYONE FEEL SORRY FOR ME THAT IS NOT MY PURPOSE OF THIS. AND I AM NOT TRYING TO SAY THAT PEOPLE THAT LIVE WITH ADDICTION HAVE IT EASY OR ITS NOT HARD ALL IM SAYING IS THAT ITS OFFENSIVE TO ME TO HAVE SOMEONE CALL THAT A DISEASE WHEN I AM LIVING WITH AN ACTUAL DISEASE AND WILL THE REST OF MY LIFE. THERE IS NO GETTING SOBER FROM FIBRO THERE IS NO SPONSERS TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER EVERY NIGHT WHEN I GO TO BED IN HOPES THAT I DONT WAKE UP THE NEXT DAY BECUASE WAKING UP IN THE PAIN I WAKE UP TO IS A PRETTY HORRIBLE THING.

I HAVE LOST SO MUCH IN THE PAST FIVE MONTHS THAT LIKE I SAID I WOULD BE OK IF I DIED TODAY. IN FACT I THINK IT WOULD BE BEST IF I DID. I HAVE LOST MY JOB THAT I HAVE BEEN AT FOR THE PAST 6 YEARS BECUASE I AM TO SICK TO GO TO WORK I HAVE BEEN IN BED SINCE JUNE BECEAUSE AGAIN I CANT EVEN GET OUT OF BED MORE THEN TWICE A DAY TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. I HAVE LOST MY FAMILY I HAVE NO FAMILY AND THERE IS NOTHING MORE DEPRESSING AND HEARTBREAKING LIVING IN A HOUSE THAT ONCE WAS A HOME THAT ONCE HAD A FAMILY LIVING IN IT. THE ONE PERSON THAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN AT MY BED SIDE WHEN IM SICK AND THE ONE PERSON THAT I HAVE WANTED HERE MORE THEN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD HAS A BETTER LIFE NOW THAT DOESNT INCLUDE SICK CHILDREN. MY DOCTOR WHO HAS ALWAYS BEEN ONE OF THE VERY FE PEOPLE WHO I COULD TRUST HAS LET ME DOWN IN WAYS THAT I NEVER THOUGHT WOULD HAPPEN. HIS NEW TREATMENT PLAN FOR MY FIBRO... PUT UP PICTURES OF YOURSELF OF BEFORE YOU WERE SICK AND REMEMBER THAT YOU CAN FEEL BETTER ON YOUR OWN.... ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? THAT IS YOUR TREATMENT PLAN??? JEE WHY DIDNT YOU SUGGEST THAT EIGHT YEARS AGO BEFORE YOU PERSCRIBED ME MY NARCOTIC DEATH WISH? WHEN YOU YOURSELF ARE THE ONE THAT SAID YOU ARE NOT AN ADDICT YOUR BODY IS DEPENDENT ON THEM BECUASE YOU HAVE A PAINFULL DISEASE....YOU REALLY THINK THAT ME STARING AT A PICTURE OF MYSELF WHEN I WAS HEALTHY AND HAPPY AND MY LIFE WAS FULL OF HOPE AND DREAMS AND WASNT COMPLETE SHIT YOU REALLY THINK THATS GOING TO HELP ME FEEL BETTER ABOUT THIS.. YEAH YOUR PICTURE PERFECT TREATMENT PLAN IS BULLSHIT. THERE IS A HUGE DIFFERENCE THEN SOMEONE TAKING A PAIN PILL TO FEEL HIGH THEN THERE IS SOMEONE TAKING HOW MANY EVER IT TAKES TO NOT FEEL PAIN.

THIS IS JUST SO UNFAIR. THATS ALL MY LIFE IS NOW IS UNFAIR. MY JOB.. THE ONE PLACE THAT I FELT LIKE I HAD FAMILY AND STABILITY AND SUPPORT HAS BEEN TAKEN AWAY FROM ME BECUASE OF THIS DISEASE. MY ACTUAL FAMILY IF YOU EVEN WANT TO CALL THEM THAT ANYMORE HAS BEEN RIPPED APART FROM BETRAYAL LIES SELFISHNESS HATE AND THE ONE THING THAT I HAVE BEEN TAUGHT AND DRILLED IN MY HEAD EVER SINCE I CAN REMEMBER FROM THEM IS US FIVE FAMILY MEMBERS ARE ALL THAT WE WILL EVER HAVE IN LIFE ... YEAH AND LOOK AT US NOW COULDNT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT EACHOTHER AND HAS NOT ONCE STOPPED AND THOUGHT HEY I WONDER HOW THOSE OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS THAT I PROMISED TO ALWAYS BE THERE FOR ARE HANDLING THIS. REAL NICE.

SO STRESS NOT SO GREAT . AND BECAUSE OF A BAD CHOICE ON MY PART BECAUSE OF A CHOICE TO PROTECT MYSELF FROM EVEN MORE PAIN AND SUFFERING I NOW HAVE TO LIVE IN MISERABLE PHYSICAL AND MENTAL PAIN BECUASE OF A REAL DISEASE. YEAH THAT SEEMS REALLY FAIR.

IM GONNA GO LOOK AT A PICTURE OF MYSELF FROM NINE YEARS AGO AND SEE IF THAT MAKES ME NOT WANT TO THINK ABOUT HOW MUCH BETTER DYING SOUNDS THEN LIVING LIKE THIS ANOTHER DAY. AND IF IM LUCKY ENOUGH TO DIE IN MY SLEEP I WOULD LIKE A COPY OF THIS BLOG POST DELIVERED TO ALL OF THE MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS OUT THERE THINK THAT ADDICTION IS A DISEASE THAT NEEDS MORE HELP THEN AN ACTUAL DISEASE. A DISEASE THAT IS NOT BROUGHT ON BY CHOICE , EVERY DOCTOR WHO THINKS THAT CUTTING SOMEONE OFF OF THE ONLY THING THAT HAS OFFERED THEIR PATIENT RELIEF FROM THIS DISEASE IS OKAY BECUASE THEY MADE A MISTAKE AND TO THE THERAPIST WHO I HAD TO GET OVER MY TRUST ISSUES AND TELL EVERYTHING TO WHO TOLD ME I HAVE ABBANDOMENT ISSUES THAT DECIDED DISCHARGING ME AS A PATIENT BECUASE OF A MISTAKE I MADE WAS REALLY GOING TO HELP.. YA YOUR A REAL CLASS ACT. AND TO EVERYONE ELSE WHO IS STUPID ENOUGH TO BELIEVE THAT YOU HAVE FRIENDS AND FAMILY THAT WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR YOU NO MATTER WHAT ... ALL YOU HAVE IS YOURSELF IN THIS WORLD. AND EVEN WHEN YOU DO SOMETHING TO PROTECT YOURSELF FROM PAIN AND SUFFERING THOSE PEOPLE WHO YOU THOUGHT YOU CAN TRUST AND DEPEND ON WILL STILL FIND A WAY TO SCREW YOU OVER.

BUT JUST GO LOOK AT A HEALTHY PICTURE OF YOURSELF... YOUR PROBLEMS WILL JUST VANISH. AND IF THAT DOESNT WORK GO FIND A POST IT AND WRITE THIS TO SHALL PASS ON IT

OH THAT DIDNT WORK EITHER... WOW... SHOCKING.

JUST CONSIDER YOURSELF ALONE AND FUCKED THATS ALL THAT IS A SURE THING IN MY WORLD

The Start Of Therapy

2010-07-20T11:31:00.000-07:00

"Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn't you - all of the expectations, all of the beliefs - and becoming who you are."

-Rachel Naomi Remen

I went back and forth about whether or not to post about my therapy on this blog or start a new blog just for my therapy. But I have started a personal journal that I actually write in and the reasons that I am going to therapy are very personally, raw, and right now I am not ready to have the world wide web know everything that I am going for.

One of the reasons and this is a big fat reason I'm going is for my parents divorce. As my therapist said one crisis can bring up old ones that were never talked about and treated and healed. Without going into detail becuase right now Im not ready to share with anyone but I have been carrying around a burdon from a terrible thing that happened to me a few years ago that I hope I can get help with releasing the anger and sick feelings it brings to think about it.

So far, I have only had 2 sessions. 2 sessions and a lot of journal writting. First sessions was really rough luckily Meagen has been so awesome and supportive she came with me and becuase I was so scared and having anxiety and just un able to do it alone she came with me and honestly talked for me hahah she said more then I did which I appreciate so much she has been unbelievably great to me and I love her for coming and being there for me.

We mostly talked about what I am here for and what I hope to get out of it. I was very emotional so it was really hard to get threw. It brought a lot of comfort to me to know that he knows and works with my doctor whom I trust and love so much.. that deffinitly helped calm some of my fears.

On our second session we talked mostly about my parents divorce. Again I am not going into detail on here about our session but when I left I felt a release of not guilt but ... I dont know how to explain it but I left feeling comforted and knowing that its okay to tell people how I am doing. He told me that its okay for me to be pissed off and upset. And its okay to tell people what happened. I need to protect myself and start working out these secrets and burdons and get better. Emotionally and mentally get myself together.

Right now I am a flat out freaking mess but I have hope that medicine and therapy can start to help me heal. I am doing the best I can with everything in my life right now. Unfortunitly my best isnt great but I am trying.

Thank you to all of those who know who you are for the love support and prayers. I hope that one day I can have my old self back and somehow show and tell you how much your love and support is appreciated. I love you all.

Also a big thanks to Ativan and Zoloft. Even though it just makes me numb to the world, right now I think numb is what I need.

Allix and Luke Fundraiser

2010-07-05T10:59:00.000-07:00

My dear coworker Mikaela ( Well use to be co worker ) and her family are going threw a very hard time right now. Her nephew and Sister in law were involved in the herriman apartment fire that happened about a week ago. The fire started by a little kid playing matches. You can read the article from ksl HERE

They both were severealy injured and have been in the ICU burn unit at the U of U ever since. My heart aches for their family and although I wish I could do more all I can do is ask that you keep them in your prayers and get the word out about the fundraiser they are doing for them.

The Fundraiser will be on Saturday July 10th In the Macey's grociery store lot (7859 s 3200 w West Jordan, UT) It will start at 8:00am and go until 4:00pm. It sounds like they have alot of great things planned for it. Here is the description of it that is on the Facebook event page for the fundraiser.

"Allix and Luke were critically burned in an Apt fire and we are having a fundraiser for them. Many of people are involved. Maceys has offered their parking lot, and donated 5000 hotdogs, chips, and drinks. Channel 4 news will be present all day broadcasting. We have many items to raffle off includingTwilight memorabilia signed by main cast members. Jazz memorabilia, gift certiciatcates, garage sale items, ice cream, baked goods, airline passes,and many other things in the works..any little bit will help allix and little Luke...The doctor says it will take months of therapy, and she has lost most everything due to water and smoke damage. We want to keep her at home with her son...If you feel inspired to help this beautiful family..please stop by maceys ...Thankyou to all who have stepped up to the plate to make this happen..Allix is still on a respirator and still sedated, but will one day be able to see all of this outpouring of love. Anyone interested in donating or assisting, please contact Janet Kohler at 801-688-9644...and there has also been an account set up under allix and luke thrall at Wells Fargo bank.., Thankyou for your love and support...xoxoxoxo"

Like I said I wish I could do more to help their family out but hopefully this will help get the word out! Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers and if you have time stop by there on Saturday to show your love and support for such a good cause.

Hope For Holli Update

2010-06-11T10:29:00.000-07:00

HOPEFORHOLLI.BLOGSPOT.COM

About a year ago my amazing friend McKenna created a website and foundation called Hope For Holli (Yes, thats me!)

She made it to help get my story out about my health that has just continued to get worse and worse expecially this last year. Last April I went into renal failure becuase the nerves around my kidney and bladder stopped working. I ended up finding out that I needed a surgery to have a unit called an interstem unit placed in my hip to keep my kidneys and everything running.

My insurance will not cover it.

The unit alone is $40,000.

So McKenna was so nice to make this website for me and to help raise money for my surgery. I was so amazed by this and I have never felt the kind of love I felt when she showed me this. I could not believe it! She is such an amazing person and I can not thank her enough for doing this!

A few weeks after the website was put up my friend Bethany decided that she was going to help out in another way too!! She worked at a hair salon and she put out this super cute jar that had my story on it. She recently moved out of the State but before she left she came over and brought me the money people had donated! I was so amazed!! It was seriously such a blessing all the money she gave me was put towards buying my monthly medicine! It could not have been given to me at a better time. I never thought that I would be one of those people that has my face and story on a can or jar or whatever around the city but I am! I could not believe how much money she had collected! I was so greatful!

I just want to thank McKenna again for creating this foundation for me I love you so much and am so greatful for everything you have done for me and to have such a kind person like you in my life!

And thank you Bethany as well for doing that! I just feel so greatful to have such an amazing friend who would do this for me! ( And Ps... Lets give a congrats to Bethany for getting engaged recently!!!)

Everyone should have friends like these girls they are so amazing and I hope they know how much I appreciate what they have done for me and how much all their prayers, love, support, the money they have collected everything has ment to me and has helped me so much!!! Thank you sooo much girls! I love you!!!

I returned to a life that was not there when I left.

2010-06-03T08:39:00.000-07:00

I just got back from visitng my sister brother in law and nephwe in California. I had a great time. I was so happy to see and spend time with them and live in their world for a few days. Help out with the baby ( Who but the way told me that I am his favorite aunt... he even picked out my flowers for my birthday while I was there.) It was a lot of fun to be there. . We visited the Jelly Belly Factory which was a blast... It was so cool to see how they are made and all sorts of stuff ... They had an awesome gift shop where I purchesed one to many bags of the Jelly flops. ( I have pictures but I'll have to add them later.) We went out to dinner, stayed home and watched movies together and had amazing meals and they were so kind to make vegetarian meals since they know that I don't eat meat. They showed great hospitality towards me and I felt right at home!

My favorite part of my trip was also the worst day of my life.

( And I am only sharing what is going on so I can tell you why my tattoo means so much to me now and more then I thought it would. . . I am not ready to talk about anything with anyone right now. You can leave comments I could use to blogging love but right now this is all im going to share until I have got a grip on my own emotions and am ready to share more for who ever may want to listen.)

I have known for a while that I have wanted to get a tattoo but I just could never figure out what I wanted. I always knew that I wanted to either get it on the inside of my wrist or the back of my neck. For a very long tiem I wanted to get the chinese symbole for either peace or courage..but I felt that those have become so popular they are no longer unique or anything, I recently came across a picture of a tatoo that I found on someone elses blog and I really really liked it.

I decided that for my birthday I would get my self a tatoo... so we went in on a saturday the day I got into california and made an appointment for tuesday. I had given them the picture of what I wanted and said ok see you then.

The night before I got my tattoo my mom called to tell me that she and my dad are getting a divorce and she would be moving to California at the end of the week. I can't explain to you how it felt to have all those emotions come over you at once the feeling of just being numb and i felt like I could litteraly feel my heart hurting. Feelings of sadness and tears and wanting to throw up and another rush of anger emotions just so angry and pissed off. I don't know how to explain how heartbroken I am.

My sister was determined to not let that ruin my trip or my birthday. Even though all I wanted to was stay put in my little ball I was curled in and cry and cry Brady and Madi would not let this ruin my trip. They were so sweet to me they were amazing.

So the next day I went to get my tattoo Madi came with me and lets just say the tattoo artis and I didnt start out on good terms. When we walked in I told her I had an appointment made with her and she asked for the picture of what I wanted. I told her that we had emailed it to them when I came in and made the appoitment. Her response was " Do not tell me it was those god awful prissy stupid birds." ( I should probably tell you now that this lady was probably around 65 and a total jesus freak). After she said that I didn't see say anything back to her I was so pissed off and upset about everything any way I just blew it off and ignored it. So I told her what wrist I wanted it on and she asked me if I knew the person who I had gotten the idea from. I said no I do not know her. ( Let me say no that I did not copy the tatoo.. it inspired me for what I ended up getting but it was not a copy.) She then goes off on how I am sooo tacky for copying this person and how rude it is and that she didn't even want to be the artist becuase its just so tacky and the birds are just so ugly and small that there is no point of even getting them. She kept saying that She hates prissy girls like me that she has to waist her time on for some tiny little tattoo. After she got done ranting about all that bull shit I finally just said to her " Well then I guess its a good thing its not going on your body isn't it."

She said well can I please draw up something a little different and see how you like it. I said fine.

While she was drawning a friend of hers or another employee I don't know who it was came in and started talking to her and she tells her some story about how she is fighting with her best friend over money. When that girl left the artist looked at me and Madi and quoted something from the bible about money. She then started to tear up and said " I don't usually do this but I feel that I need to talk to someone. She goes on to tell us about how her and her husband have just recently divorced. She went into the details of it but I won't on here. She just started telling us how heartbroken she is and how hard its been on her and the reason they divoced was becuase of money issues and while she is telling madi and I this I lose it. I just started crying so hard... and she just stopped and looked at me and said " Dear, your crying.. why are you crying?" I had told her that I just found out the night before that my parents were divorcing and that my mom was moving away. We all just sat there for about 25 minutes... talknig took longer then the tattoo did. She finally finished her idea for the tattoo and I loved it.

The tattoo took about 5 minutes it went by really fast and afterwards she said " I don't know if this is appropriate or not or what god you beileve or don't believe in but I need to pray with you. She held our hands and prayed for me and my family. In her prayer she asked for comfort and guidence or us and to help understand and have time to grieve. She said that seeing us she could tell Madi had it more together then me she had her emotions together and she was a little bit stronger then me. She needed to stay strong for me becuase she could tell I am not handling this well. She just knew that I was ment to come to her so that she could talk to someone and that I could talk someone. Even if we are perfect strangers God knew that we needed eachother.

( I know its not the best picture and you can't really tell where it is on my arm but this is the only one I have so far)

She ended up drawing 5 peace doves. on the inside of my wrist on my right arm. I love it so much and it means so much to me. It shows each of the doves flying a different way and at what is going on in my life right now... 5 people in my family but now our family is seperating.

The tattoo means a lot to me and I am so glad that Madison was there to support me and let me hold her hand and let me cry for hours on her lap when I was told my parents are divorcing.. not just divorcing but that my mom left 2 days after I got home to move to California.

( Again that is all that I am sharing for now my feelings are still to new and raw that I need to deal wieh tthem first before I can share them with someone else but my sisters whom I love more then anything in this world.

Welcome to the Unknown

2010-05-06T10:37:00.000-07:00

Does everyone have secrets? Maybe not even a secret but just things about them that no one knows about? And you don't tell because your afraid of what people may think? Or are there things that really are just better left unsaid? I don't know. Lately I have been thinking about things that most people probably don't know about me and maybe they do, I guess some things I just don't like to share becuase they make me sound like a terrible person, other things I am just embarrased and others I just don't like to talk about. I am trying to turn over a new leaf in life ( I know I sound like a broken record how many times have I said I am going to turn over a new leaf?) I have tried to turn over a new leaf many times and I just never do so now all I have is a big pile of un turned leafs.

I hate the feeling of not knowing who I am and what my point of life is here. I think that I should disclose some of these things that I don't like to discuss with others. Maybe letting go of these things that I may be ashamed of or things that I just don't like to talk about becuase I just don't like going back to that place. Maybe by doing this I can start looking forward on life and figuring out what my purpose here is rather then just being so focused on all the hidden things.

***Before I start I just want everyone to know that if you feel like what I say is a personal attack on you its not. I am not doing this to hurt feelings or anything like that I did not have an agenda to do so when I starting writting. This is not about my attacking you and if you feel like it is then stop reading. No one is making you read my blog. This is for me not you. Everyone needs an outlet and as of right now this is mine, so again this is for me not you. But I do apologize in advance if someone is hurt becuase of this I would never intentionally hurt anyones feelings.**

I hate that I no longer have people to talk to. I know that I have my family and they would do anything for me and are always there for me. They are amazing my sisters are my best friends and always have been and I love the fact that I have such different relationships with both of them. My parents would do anything for my sisters and I. Because we have never had any family outside the 5 of us we were always taught that eachother is all that we have and on so many occasions I have learned that to be true. Everyone has a family.. they have parents siblings pets whatever everyone has one. But one thing I have learned as an adult that everyone makes their own family. I don't mean when you get married and have kids and have your own family I mean the people you work with can be your family, your friends can be your family. I use to have a great group of friends that love and adored me and I love and adored them. And the last 9 years of my life my friends have been people who also had health issues. In the beggining it was great to be around people who understood what I was going threw and that we could support eachother in ways that no one else could becuase no one else really understood how our bodies felt. They understood me and gave me support on those few occasions that I just wanted it over with I didn't want to fight it anymore where the thought of just dying would be so much better then fighting the sickness that no doctor could figure out what it was. But it got to the point where it became unhealthy for me to be around them. It was unhealthy to be around them becuase it got to the point where that was all we ever talked about all we ever did was lay around becuase we didnt feel well and talk about how we didn't feel well and I am not saying I didnt do it becuase I did but it just became unhealthy for me to be around other un healthy people. When it got to the point that everything was tit for tat I had distance myself from them. I could not handle the " My stomache hurts"..." Oh well I have already been throwing up all day." I had to get away.

It took me a long time to realize that I have a huge flaw when it comes to me being a friend to someone. Instead of just distancing myself and doing it the right way I just pushed everyone away. I got annoyed when I was around them I was rude I just did it all the wrong way. I know that there are a few people that would do anything for me and those are not those in my family but my flaws I now know are the reason why all my friendships that I have left are at best acquaintances. But what else I have realized is that maybe people only need a few special people that have a spot in your heart and you have a spot in theirs. Its not about how many people you have its about knowing those people will take care of you and you will take care of them no matter how many flaws you may have. There at 4 people outside of my family who may live far away from me who have taken different paths and journeys then me in life who may not know it but they are very very special to me. These 4 people have helped me in ways that they may not even know it. Who look past my flaws and who help ME look past my flaws. These people mean a whole lot to me. Who inspire me, who I look up to who make me want to be a better person becuase they are so amazing and special. These 4 girls are just beautiful girls and I am so greatful to have them in my life even though 2 of them are so far away they are very close to my heart. Arn't these girls just beautiful?

When I mentioned about how Im going to talk about the places I don't like to go back to I am talking about when I was engaged. Although I thank God every single day that I was able to learn what I want and don't want in a marriage and a husband I hate going back to this place. But I feel that I need to find myself. Although at the time it was so hard for it to be over I am so glad that it is. At the time I never thought that I would be able to lift my head off of my dads lap and never be able to stop crying I just have to think about how hard it would have been if he had left me after we had gotten married. Looking back on that time of my life I wish I knew then what I know now. But I guess I never would have been able to learn this if he hadnt left and it ended. It is not often that I bring this certain even of my life up but when I do I never put the blame just on him. Yes he left. He packed his bags and left. He was the one who said " I'm done" But I did my part to make it all fall apart. And if I knew back then that I should have stuck up for myself when situations came up that HE should have stuck up for me maybe I wouldn't kick myself now thinking about all those situations that I should have stuck up for myself or I should have said that it was not okay for him to just sit back and allow terrible things to be said and done to me and think that it was okay for him to do and say things that should not have been said. But again I put just as much bull shit and drama in the realationship as he did. I know that our relationship changed when he was diagnosed with cancer becuase he changed.... drasticly. . I am a huge believer that everything happends for a reason. I have said it time and time before that I know I was put into his life for a reason. To help him threw cancer. To help his family threw his cancer. I was the strong one becuase I am use to be around sickness and hospital and doctors. And it took me a long time to realize that I was never ment to marry him that was my purpose of being in his life was to help him threw cancer. The part of me that wants to believe that I am just a good person and I can put aside the bull shit that happend with us and put aside the anger towards him I want to be a good person and just realize that I did something good for him I was there at his bedside I left my family for months to be with him and help him and help his family. And if he couldnt realize how much I did for him then he is the bad person. But on the selfish side of me I hate him. I hate him for breaking me. I hate him for making me never want to get close to anyone and never let anyone in becuase of fear that this will happen again. I hate him for having a huge fear that my relationship to him is the closest that I will ever get to marriage and if thats it that just makes me sick.

There are things that I fear my future husband... again if I have one will not understand. I know that becoming an adult and having a marriage is about sacrafice I know that I know that all to well but after my engagement fell apart the best advice I recieved was to have 3 things in your life that you are not will to change or sacrafice for someone else. And if that person understands that then be with them and if they don't yu are better off. I feel like my family should be one of them. They are one of them in a way that my relationship with my family will never change, they mean the world to me. they mean more then the world to me they are my everything they are all that I have. . And if for some reason my family has a problem with someone who I someday may marry then I am going to have a problem. My familys opinion of my future husband or my boyfriends mean as much to me as if they were my own opinions. They would support me no matter who I choose to be with but their opinion makes a huge impact on me. Love is blind. Love can make you look past the flaws of someone or make someone that could be a huge mistake or a huge problem seem so small becuase the love is making the good weight out the bad. And even though it may hurt my family is going to be the one to see the flaws the bad and the mistake that could have be and they know and I know that even though it may be hard to hear that can tell me that and I will trust them and know that its for my own good and they will still be my family.

Right now I only have 2 things that I am not willing to give up or change. And my second thing is pregnancy. I am not saying that I don't want kids becuase I do want kids someday. I really do want to be a mother and to have kids of my own I really really do but I never ever and will not ever ever be pregnant. I will not go threw that. And this is something that I have said for as long as I can remember. I never want to be pregnant. No one can expect if their pregnancy is going to be easy or difficult but I do know my body and I just don't think that it could handle it. I could not handle it. For medical reasons I have asked for years for a hysterectomy. They have always said " You will regret it becuase you will want to have kids some day" No. I made the desision years ago that I never want to be pregnant. Just because I did not birth my future child does not mean that I can't be there mother. My sister has told me that if I wanted this option that she would be a suraget for me. ( How awesome is that?!) My doctors have told me that once I get my kidney problems and everything taken care of we will look into a hysterectomy again. They told me to truly think about it... If they are willing to do it ( And they would do it for medical reasons not just becuase I dont want to be pregnant) I would say yes in a heart beat. I hope that my future husband will understand that I made the choice years ago even before my health got very bad that I just never want to go threw pregnancy.

( At this point of this post I just want to tell readers congrats for making it this far without clicking on the big red X or fallen asleep. Also, I want everyone to know that I understand that if you now think of me as the worlds biggest selfish bitch.. I get it and if you are thinking that its okay your not thinking anything bad of me that I don't already feel for myself so its okay.)

I know in life everyone has things that they are afraid of. May be little things may be huge things, I feel like my life is just filled with fear. My life long fear of being kidnapped has made my ocd out of control. My ocd of having to lock the doors at night check them so many times and I can't just look at them I have to litteraly fill the door knobs and the locks and turn them so hard to make sure that the door is shut all the way and its really locked so badly and so many times at night that I have blisters on my hands from it. And the ocd doesn't stop there. I have a constint fear of so many things and fear is not a good feeling. I have a fear that something is going to happen to my family. I have a fear of them dying or something terrible is goign to happen to them. If I go to bed or if I am going somewhere or if they are going somewhere the last thing I ALWAYS say to them is I love you. I never let them go anywhere or me go anywhere or go to bed at night without telilng them that. No matter what even if we have just gotten into a collasal fight I always say it. Sometimes more then once. Becuase if something happends to me or to them I want me last words to them is I love you. They need to know that I love them. I have this fear that the shit is gonna hit the fan one day and my world is going to be turned upside down. I just feel like everyday I have to walk on egg shells for my life.

I just wish I knew what my purpose in my life is here. When I was in junior high and I was healthy and active I really felt like I was going to do something spectacular in life. Something amazing. I knew my life would be one filled with excitment. I never was a good student in fact I was a terrible student but back then I felt like I had so many other things going for me I didnt' need to me a good student. Because who needs a good education to be a professional dancer. Back then I knew thats what I was going to do with life. In school I was named most likely to be a super star. My life is so far from that. I am not by any means saying my life is not worth living or I hate my life I am not saying that AT ALL. I just wish how I knew I got here. Well I know how I got here. I got sick. I got very sick and everything changed.

I just need to know who I am. I need help finding myself and who I want to be and what I want to do with this life. Where I am now I have no dreams. Everyone has a dream. I need to find mine.

How long should someone try and find themselves before they give up and ask whatever god they believe in why he put you in this earth if you feel like you have done nothing and will be nothing?

Where do I start?

*** One more time I want to apologize if I came off as dramatic, throwing a pitty party for myself and how selfish I sound again this was about me I needed an outlet and this is where I ended up writting the unknown about me***

A New Port

2010-04-18T05:19:00.000-07:00

I am really excited about this I don't know if its going to happen or not but I am really excited of just the thought that it may happen for me!

I went to the hospital last week to have the dressings on my picc line changed. Since I am no longer " Home Bound" from my shitty 3 weeks of bronchitas and some stomache infection I had to finally go back to work so becuase of that my nurse is no longer allowed to come out and see me if im not home bound. Anyway. I went to the hospital to have my dressings changed and my skin underneath where the bandages are is just awful.. Its bright red and itchy and blistered and its beginning to hurt. ( Its going on a year since I have had this picc line in... ew) So when they went to flush it they couldnt get it to becuase there was a huge blood clot in the line. ( Which is really scary when you have a picc line in becuase it starts in your arm and goes all the way to to the main vessel or whatever that is right next to your heart. So.. clots. No good. So what they have to do is take a certain type of medicine and disolve the clot... it took them 45 minutes to do that! Yikes... So while we were doing this the nurse had suggested that maybe I talk to my doctor and look in to getting a Bardport.

A bardport is like my picc line but its in my chest underneath my skin... they would go in surgically and implant it ... when its time for my medicine its a special type of needle that they give me and i would put it in my chest right into the cathader and thats how I would get my medicine!!

I am so excited for this I really hope my doctor approves it.. It would just be sooo nice to be able to wear short sleeve shirts again without people looking at my picc line and thinking " Whats wrong with that girl??" No one would see it! I could go swimming and be able to shower without having to cover my arm up!!

Like I said I have to talk to my doctor about it but it just sounds so much better. I am really getting sick of the picc line and its not gonna be taken out anytime soon. I am still always sick and getting medicine threw it ..like I said its not gonna be taken out anytime soon.

The picc line has been great... SO much better then getting a new iv every 2 days so much better but if I could have something that was just underneath my skin and no one ever has to see it... it just sounds so much better!

A Bard port, also known as a mediport, is surgically connected to a large vein or artery and implanted under the skin, for direct access to the blood stream. Usually, if there is an issue getting an intravenous started on someone (due to collapsed veins) that needs routine and long-term IV medication therapy (chemo, etc.), they will have one of these implanted for easy access.

Wish me Luck!

Thats what she said..

2010-04-04T00:01:00.001-07:00

My Comfort Items

2010-03-31T09:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday March 27th Year 2010 marked the one year anniversary of the day I was admitted into Utah Valley Regional Hospital for Renal Failure. And on this day I realized something that is so clear that now I don't know why I have not allowed myself to realize it before. In the past year nothing has changed. In the past 9 years nothing has changed. I am always going to be sick with something, am going to have hospital stays, I am going to have surgeries that I need but may or may not get. I am always going to be sick with something. I mean even when I was in Renal Failure and in the hospital I thought I was feeling better until they overhydrated me with IV fluids going into my body to quickly... You pushed your finger in my leg and it would dent.... Its always something. Its my life. Its not something I want its not something I asked for.. its my life. This is it. I am trying to make peace with that, and able to mean it when I say that its "okay" and that I am "okay." That this is me and my life.

( Dont you even judge me on how terrible I look... This is what Renal Failure does to you .... Dont hate)

These verbs mean to give hope or help to in time of grief or pain

com·fort·ed, com·fort·ing, com·forts

1. To soothe in time of affliction or distress.

2. To ease physically; relieve.

1. A condition or feeling of pleasurable ease, well-being, and contentment.

2. Solace in time of grief or fear.

3. Help; assistance: gave comfort to the enemy.

4. One that brings or provides comfort.

5. The capacity to give physical ease and well-being

Comofort Items are a huge things for me. I know it will all sound childish.. like when a kid won't let go of their baby blanket or when they won't give up their dolls. To me it doesnt matter what age you are or who you are everyone has comfort items. Whether it is a person, a blanket, or a movie. Everyone needs and finds comfort it one thing or a nother.

I have been really holding tight to my comfort items this past month as I went threw bronchitas, and then a stomach virus, and going back on Iv's at home which I find absolutely annoying. Not being able to bend your arm a certain way becuase it might kink the tube going to my heart, have to find new batteries for the pump every other day.. its just..annoying.

Anyway so I may have more comfort items or comfort people then most but I dont think anyone can have to many comfort items.

My Comfort Movies: The Devil Wears Prada, Joy Ride, Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood,Crossroads ( Yes the Britney Spears move.... Don't hate.)

My Comfort Drink: Sprite and Bannana Slurpees

My Comfort Stuffed Animal:

This little guy has been to every surgery, every hospital, every iv therapy session I have been threw. My dad got this for me when I was 15 and had my 2nd surgery. The pig doesnt have a name just... My Pink Pig. I forgot it after I was discharged from the hospital a few years ago I was so sad I thought it would be gone for sure.. We called and they had found it and my doctor picked it up for me. How sweet =)

My Comfort Person: My mom. She is always with me whenever I am sick.. spends the night in the hospital with me in uncomfortable chairs becuase she can't lay in the bed with me, or spends all night long with me if I am up sick she never leaves my side. Whenever I am in the hospital and for some reason she can't be there she always makes arrangments so that someone will always be there with me so that I am never alone. I don't know what I would do without her. I think that even when I am married and have kids of my own I am still going to be calling her at 2 am when I am sick saying " Mom.. Im throwing up will you come over!?!" She is always supportive of my desisions when it comes to my health even when she doesn't agree with them. I truly believe that she is a huge reason I have made it threw the things I have made it threw.

My comfort Tv Show: Greys Anatomy, Desperate Houesewives, and Saving Grace

My Comfort Doctor: James Woodmansee

He has been my doctor my entire life. He gives me so much comfort when I am sick he could tell me I had one day to live but if it came from him and he gave me a hug afterwards it would be okay. He is truly and amazing doctor and even better person. He sticks up for me when all the other doctors think that I am a crazy drug addict, he will do whatever it takes for how ever long it takes to get you feeling better. He can make you feel better just by enterting the room becuase you know that if he knows whats going on it will be okay.

My 2nd Comfort Person: My dad. I always get so frustrated with him when I am sick because he makes me drink a glass of gatorade every 40 minutes and he makes me take my pills that is not even helping so I just want to give up on taking it. He always make me do those things when I really don't want to but he makes me do it anyway. I do believe last time I was sick when I swear I had the freaking ebola virus I told him to " Stop being the freaking fluid nahtzi and leave me the hell alone." But after I got better I was so greatfull he made me drink all that gatorade becuase he knows how easy I get dehydrated and I was so happy he woke me up every 2 hours during the middle of the night for 6 days straight because I had a fever of 102 right after surgery it could have turned out alot worse had he not tracked my fever. He does those things becuase he knows I have to and he knows how important it is. He still helps me even when I refuse to eat the toast he made me and refuse to drink the gatorade he brings in. Not only does he help me even when I am being a a cranky brat but he will always sit and watch whatever movies or tv shows I am watching just to keep me company. He will watch the chick flicks with me and not ever complain. When its his turn to sit with me in the hospital he will always bring movies to watch that he thinks I might want to watch not the ones he wants to watch. He even stole Mario Party for me from the Pediatric Wing of Utah Valley Hospital so that I could play it when I got home. Any dad who does that is a winner!

Random Comfort Item: A hand. I don't know why people hold someones hand while they are going threw something painfull or difficult. I always want to hold a hand during those times. It doesnt make the needle in my ass hurt less or the news the doctor is telling you anyless painful or scary but its just nice to know there is someone there for you and only you.

Random Comfort Item Number 2: Flowers... I L.O.V.E. flowers. I think that more girls then not don't like flowers becuase " they just die in 2 days anyway" ... Not me... I Love them! No matter what is going on if I am sick or upset or whatever getting flowers always cheers me up... even when I buy then for myself... I love them!! When I was in the hospital I had sooo many flowers delivered from my work and friends my mom had to take a trip home every night just to take some of them home because we were running out of room for them!! I love flowers!! Gerbera Daisies are my Fav!

My comfort animal: Our family dog Marley. He is amazing... I think that every dog does this because meagens dog Tonka does it too... They just know when any of us are sick. Marley is always very calm and never leaves your side. He always keeps me company and never bugs me to go out and throw the ball for him he is such a sweet dog. Its really strange both Tonka and Marley have done this to me.. Tonka will always try and lick my arm where my PICC Line is placed and just 2 weeks ago when I had really bad bronchitas he kept trying to lay right on my chest and cuddle. Dogs just... know things...

My "Happy" Place: This goes along the lines of my comforting hand. Picturing your Happy Place does not make the pain your in hurt less but for me its comforting. My happy place use to be in the dance studio ... I would just picture myself and my friends Kacee, McKenna, Stacy all of us back in the dance studio like we were in 9th grade... But since thats not really possible for me to be back in the dance studio I picture myself at the ball park. I love baseball and I love Summer. There is nothing like the sound of a baseball hitting a bat. I love everything about baseball.... and I always love that I probably know more about basebal then most guys do =) Hehe... I just picture myself sitting at the park watching a game. When I am in my happy place I always like to continue to say to myself " This to will pass... This to will pass..." I know that for me when one thing passes another illness will come but it helps me. And its my happy place and happy thoughts.

I am making peace with my life and how it is and has been. I am always going to have breakdowns to where I just want it to end because I am to tired to fight whatever it is that is trying to fight me. Or becuase all I want to do is be normal and not sick but like I said before... This to will pass. And when something new comes and I am not having a mental breakdown... I will kick its ass and take names... This is me =) Love me or hate me call me a whiner whatever... I will always have comfort from something or someone.

What are your comfort items??

My Wednesdays

2010-02-17T10:25:00.000-08:00

4:20 am First Alarm Goes Off - Wake up Take 1 Methadone so that when its time for me to get out of bed I can function.

5:10-am Alarm Goes off ... I snooze for 10 More Minutes

5:30- Snooze Again

( A normal healthy person usually has to plan for atleast 5 minutes to get up and pee...But since I cant pee I get to enjoy that extra 5 minutes in bed!... Ahh the perks of Renal Failure.)

5:30am- 6:30am I get ready to go work. BOOO No one likes getting ready to have to go to work so I won't post a picture of that.

Drive to work....

7:00am My shift at work starts.

Some days are better then others at work. Most days I have to sit in a chair at the desk all day becuase I just can't be on my feet for 8 hours straight.. ( yeah the front desk doesnt get a lunch break or anything ) I am just greatful that my job works with me and understands my health issues and the days I can't come in they always understand. Its a huge blessing.

While I work I slap a smile on my face even though some days that is the last thing on earth I wane to but... it must be done... From 7am to 3pm I take reservations, check people in and out, do my supervisor duties, take all phone calls, blah blah blah. I do the same thing litteraly every. single. day. It all just turns into a blur becuase when you have a job like mine... nothing changes, nothing exciting happends.

One thing I have learned to do at the hotel is just to come in do your job and leave. Dont get cought up in the gossip and bull shit that every place of employment has. I always talk about the bad things about my job but there are things that I really love. I have met so many amazing people that have stays here and I still keep in touch with. My friends Lyn and Niel from Australia are such sweet and amazing people! In fact Niel came over to my house for Sunday Dinner with my family last week. For my birthday a few years ago they gave me this amazing pink stone its so beautiful its now placed in a ring and I love it I wear it all the time! I wish I had a picture!

I wont go into all my favorite guests or the celebrities that I have met while working here but there are things about this job that I do like. I love meeting guests from all over the world and getting to know them. I love making guests feel like home while they are here.

At 3:00 pm I hurry home and get the hell out of my discusting uniform that I have to wear, change into something cute... the cute clothes that still fit anyway.. and drive down to Utah Valley Regional Medical Center

Every Wednesday I go to the hospital to IV Therapy and have my picc line dressing changed.

I wish I had pictures of all the nurses there! They are all so sweet and treat me so good! And they make my picc line dressings all pretty and clean! And if you had a picc line in your arm for 7 months now, you will agree with me that there is nothing more annoying then having dirty bandages that is covering the picc line.

See how pretty and clean? See how my skin is blistering from having all of that on my arm for going on 8 months now.

After the hospital I head home.. and as pathetic as it is when I get home I get into bed and cuddle with Tonka. He is always waiting for me when I get home!

Usually when people get home from work and everything they come home and eat dinner. But Meagen and I don't believe in going food shopping so we never have food to make for dinner. . .

Its still a mystery to me how we never have any food to eat in our apartment but I am still a freaking chubkins.

Once I am in bed for the night I usually watch a TV series on DVD.. Right now I am watching 24

For the longest time I refused to watch this show becuase I thought it was so stupid for people to believe that an entire Season of this show and everything that happends all happends in one day.. Uh.. Yeah I don't think so.

But then I really needed something new to watch so I gave in and started it... Its really good I like it. Well... I really liked the first season and I am now in the 2nd season.. I am kind of bored with it but Meagen says that the 3rd season is Uh Mazing so I gotta keep watching!... And Jack Bauer... What a hot piece of Eye Candy. I mean Seriously! And he can like... Shoot people. Thats Hot.

By the end of my day I am so tired and just beat that I usually am asleep by like 9pm... ( I know pathetic right?) But I can't help it.

And my day ends by 9:00pm and I am sound asleep and once I am asleep there is no waking me. Just ask Meagen.

Time for Lights Out!

A Wednesday in the life of Holli

Whats a day in your life like?

Starting today

2010-02-03T13:27:00.000-08:00

“Life can either be accepted or changed. If it is not accepted, it must be changed. If it cannot be changed, then it must be accepted.”

Starting today...

Starting today I will no longer worry.

Starting today I will no longer cry.

Starting today I will no longer wonder if you are thinking about me.

Starting today I will accept the fact that I am sick, and as much as I wish there was end to all of this.. theres not.

Starting today I will do the things that will help me feel better.

Starting today I will acept the fact that I have gained a lot of weight, and I am fat. And as upseting and embarassing as it is. It is what it is. I can not get rid of my pregnant looking belly until I have surgery.

Starting today I will start doing the things I can to lose the weight that is able to come off.

Starting today I will have a better attitude. At work, home, and just life in general.

Starting today I will no longer dwell on the problems at hand

Starting today I will pay the bills that I am able to pay instead of going to dinner or buying a new shirt.

Starting today I will laugh more and smile more.

Starting today I will no longer be sad that I only have a few friends left in my life, and I will cherish the ones that I have and try and be a better one to them.

Starting today I will no longer let my OCD get the best of me.

Starting today I will no longer get into bed when I get home from work. I will walk to the dog, knit, and maybe even do laundry. I will do whatever that keeps me up and going.

Starting today I will try and find myself and figure out who I am.

Starting today I will figure out who and what I believe in that makes me happy and gives me faith. And not just beileve in the religion that I was raised to do and will not let anyone make me feel like a bad person becuase its not what they think is right.

Starting today I will tell everyone that I love that I love them and that they mean the world to me.

Starting today I will start believing again.

Starting today I will not depend on other so much.

Staring today I will be positive instead of negative.

Starting today I will let people in.

Starting today I will be a better blogger. I know I don't have many readers but its a great release for me.

Starting today I will try my hardest not to say the word hate.

Starting today I will try to be a better person.

Starting today I will not overreact or jump to conclusions.

Starting today I will try and find and learn a new hobby.

Starting today I will try and understand why bad things happen to good people.

Starting today I will learn that some things are the way they are for a reason.

Starting today I will take better care of myself.

Starting today I will do things that make me happy and not just do things to make others happy.

Today I will learn that even though I am not where I would like to be in life but I will accept the fact that I am where I am and I have to make the best of it.

Starting today I will no longer be upset that I have to take extremely strong pain pills in order to function every day. I will just be greatful for modern medicine and that I am able to have something that can offer my comfort and less pain.

Today is the day that I decide I love Dennis Leary.

Today is the day I realize how great my country is. And that I am so blessed and so unbelievably honored to know 2 great and amazing people who are fighting for my freedom right now.

Starting today I am getting off of my Salt and Vinegar chips and Sprite diet.

Today is the day that I let my bitterness for the trainweck that was my engagment go. And let him know... That I deserve so much better then you.

Starting today I will learn that some things just cant be fixed.

Today I will learn that even if I never find anyone that I love and who loves me. My family will always love me and be there for me. I will never be alone.

Starting today I will say my prayers to whoever I believe is my God.

Starting today I will count my blessings.

Starting today I will not be ashamed to tell you that I know every word to every Missy Eliot song thats out there.

Starting today I will learn to love myself even when I hate myself. I will love myself even though I have gained 60 pounds in the past 4 months and I feel and look discusting I will love myself.

Starting today I will try and find what makes me unique from others.

Today is the day that I stop procastinating.

Starting today I will do whats best for me.

Starting today I will try so hard not to fall apart.

Starting today I will live, love, and laugh. I will dance like no ones watching and I will love me for me and hopefully one day find someone who loves me for me.

Starting today I will set goals and try my hardest to accomplish them.

Starting today I will not be so un happy with my job. I know that I always have the choice to leave but I don't... I have a fear of change, of not knowing what I am doing... I made the decision to stay here so I am going to make the best of it.

**"The key to change... is to let go of fear.”**

Starting today I will no longer say no. I will not longer say no when I get invited to things. I need to get out.

Starting today I will start answering my phone to those numbers that I avoid becuase I don't have money to pay them. Atleast if I answer and tell them I have zero money I will feel like I am atleast trying to be responsible.

Starting today I will learn that only kidness matters in the end.

Knees, needles, and fluid Oh My!

2010-01-22T09:38:00.000-08:00

About 9 years ago when I was on a crusie with my family I hurt my left knee. I have no idea what I did to it nothing it just started hurting really bad and each day it got bigger and bigger. While driving home from California I had to sit in the middle seat so that I could keep my leg straight becuase it was to big to even bend it. When we got home I went to see an ortho doctor and did some X rays and an MRI and he said that I had torn my miniscus. It wasnt bad enough that I needed surgery or anything just was on crutches for a few weeks and did some Physical Therapy and that was it. Still to this day I have absolutely no idea what I did to it.

It never really bothered me until about 3 months ago it swelled up for like 3 days and I couldnt walk on it but after I iced and elevated it it was fine and I didn't really worry about it. But then it happened again like 2 weeks ago but the swelling was 10 times worse and it hurt soooo bad! I thought that if I just did the same thing, ice, elevate blah, blah, blah it would go away. But when it continued to get bigger and bigger I finally decided it was time to go to the insta care.

The doctor took one look at it and said " You need to be seen by an ortho doctor asap!... He drained all the fluid out of it and after the fluid was out I tried to walk on it and every time I put pressure on it it now POPS.. pop pop pop POP!

It hurts really bad and quit frankly I am getting sick of my leg not looking like it has no knee at all its so swollen. My leg is just thigh and calf. I have a Thalf. Ha.

Anyway, so the insta care doctor said that there is a very good possiblity that I may be having surgery on my knee to get a scope of it and see whats going on and to clean it up. Clean the minisucs and the cartlidge thats floating around in there. If I have this surgery this will be my 32nd surgery in 7 years. Lets see how fast my insurance will deny this surgery too. My appoitment is on Tuesday.. Yeah I'm really looking forward to this.

Plain Jane

2010-01-11T05:31:00.000-08:00

Lately I have been feeling really Plain Jane. I know this sounds so dumb but I have been reading and stalking alot of girls blogs and it seems like everyone has a talent. Everyone has something that makes them unique. I feel so plain Jane. There is a lot of girls out there that can cook, or sew, or write, or , dance whatever and I pretty much have none of that.

I would like to think that one day when I get married I am going to be a good wife, and maybe someday mom and when I think about things that make someone a good wife and mother is someone who can cook for their husband. Someone who has a talent and can maybe teach their kids one day how to do.

I just wish I had a " thing." When I was in Junior High and High School I was a dancer and pretty good one if I do say so myself, but I no longer have that. And as much as I wish I could have that again I can't. When I graduated from 9th grade I was voted most likely to become a superstar. If Class of 2005 could only see me now.

I know that I could go out and find something to be my "thing" or hobby but I just don't know what it would be. It just seems like everyone has something that just makes them stand out and I am just plain Jane. Lots of blonde hair blue eyed girl has a job. Has uh.. oh wait yeah thats about all I got. I wish I had the money to go out and try new things and find something that I like and am able to do and that would make me feel different. I know that sounds really weird " make me different " but I just need something...

Will Work For Food

2010-01-10T04:12:00.000-08:00

Actually.... will do ANYTHING for food....

Will someone please put together a canned food drive for Meagen and I? We are so hungry.

So hungry.

No food.

No Moneys to buy food...

Did I mention that we are hungry?

Its really sad that there is more of my medicine for my PICC line then there is food...

DO YOU SEE THIS!? THERE IS NO FOOD!!

I am so weak I can barley type this post...I am withering away to nothing from having no food.

(Ha! I wish that was true....)

Lets just take a look again at this fridge...

So hungry.....

The things I have never done

2010-01-08T08:35:00.000-08:00

I have never...

*Hiked to the "Y"

*Been skiing ( I have been snowboarding which I loved though)

*Been paint balling

*Held or shot a gun

*Kept a New Years resolution

*I have never been pregnant ( although I look like I am now)

*I have never gotten a ticket

*I have never been able to play an instrument

*Been scuba diving

*Seen the movie Wizard of Oz

*Cooked a meal for others

*Learned to whistle

*Owned a gym pass

*Kareoked

*Hiked Timp

*Cheated on someone

*Had a house key

*Had a pedicure

*Karaoked

*Learned to water ski

*Been to a rodeo

*Slowed danced with someone that I love

*Traveled to another continet

*Attended a professional sporting event

*Attended an opera

*Parasailed

*Owned a pet that was just mine

*Swan with dolphins

*Ridden a horse

**These things I've never done**

Welcome 2010

2010-01-06T07:49:00.000-08:00

Hello Friends.

I hope everyone had a good Holiday Season and is having a great New Year so far!

My Christmas was really good. It was really different but I had alot of fun. It was so much less stressful then years past and that was great! My parents suprised Meagen and I with a beautiful Christmas Eve dinner set up at the hotel and we ate, played games, watched movies, ( Well they ate, played games, and watched movies... I slept.... alot) It was so much fun and it was so weird actually sleeping on Christmas eve! Christmas morning my mom and I both worked and when we got off we went back to our room and played some more games and watched a movie then went home for the night. We skipping doing presents this year ( which is why it was less stressfull , not having to worry about money and blah blah blah) But Meagen suprised us with the most rotten ass ugly slippers for every to wear ( Which i LOVE them) And my parents got meagen and I some presents. We each got a blue tooth for our phones, some pajamas pants that are susper cute and Wii fit!!! ( It was their way of telling me that I am now a beefkins and need to do something about it) hehe. Just kidding. Christmas was great I wish Madi and Brady were able to spend it with us but they had a great first Christmas together with their little family. I love my family so much I loved spending Christmas with them!

New Years was not so great for me. Once again we spent the night at the hotel to spend the night and play games. When I got off work I went home to shower and I was just going to meet everyone there. I was carrying alot of stuff with me and as I was walking out to my car I slipped on a huge ice patch and fell... smacked my head on the cement. Smacked my ribs on the cement and everything I was carrying just fell on top of me. I didn't want to go to to the hospital so I had a terrible headache and started throwing up but I didn't want to go to the hospital so I just waited 2 days to see if it would go away. The next day I started to develope a bruise on my ribs and this weird knot on them. So I went to the Emergency room just to make sure everything was okay with me. They did a cat scan on my head and I just have a cuncusion. They took X rays of my ribs and they were not cracked but I tore the cartlidge on them. With all the kidney problems I am having they checked to make sure I didn't bruse them or anything but they were okay which is good I guess. So they drugged me up gave me some fluids for dehydration from throwing up so much smacked a brace on me and off I went to start the new year! I didn't start the year off so great. I still have a terrible headache and bruises ... Jeeze. I need to be put in a bubble.

I havent really set any New Years resolutions. I hate those. I don't think someone should need a new year to change something that they want to change or do something that they want to do. I want to try and be a happier person this year. I am not happy, and I know alot of it has to do with me being sick all the freaking time but I can't control that. I just want to be happier. Have fun. Be a better person, but I don't really have any goals for the year. Just be happier.

I thought about the Scene in Sex and the City where Charolette yells out " I am going to get married this year!!!!) .. but then I thought... I don't want to get married this year I just want to find my prince this year.. and then maybe next year get married.. Hehe

.. maybe my resolution should be to blog more. I am a terrible blogger but I don't think anyone reads my blog anymore so thats okay. .. Hi mom! Hi Meg!

Are you kidding me?

2009-12-31T07:48:00.001-08:00

I came into work today and there is a freaking wedding announcment sitting on my box. ANOTHER wedding announcment. That is so not the first thing I wanted to see first thing this morning.

voo doo bobby pins

2009-12-27T05:34:00.000-08:00

There is some freaky ass stuff going on in my apartment. First of all.. for like the past 2 months Meagen and I have heard people trying to get into our apartment in the middle of the night. As soon as we hear our door knob start to jiggle the dog wakes up and bolts to the living room and starts barking like crazy. ( Dogs always know when someone is out there....) This has happened on nights when we are both there and it has happened on nights that we have been alone. Its freaky. And with all my major fears of being kidnapped .... lets just say the kidnapper clothes have turned into like my entire closet being dumped out on my bed. ( * If you don't know the story of my crazy kidnapper clothes... leave a comment and I will post the story**)

Thats not even the creepy part!! The other night I was playing with Tonka and he ran under my bed so I went under the bed to get him out... and I found this.....

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!?

( And I actually screamed that out when I found them...)

I would not be freaked out at all if these bobby pins were still straight. Becuase I mean lets face it the best place to look for bobby pins is on my bedroom floor =) ..But the fact that they are all bent like that!? Tonka is not capable of bending them like that... I don't bend them like that and then throw them underneath my bed.. What the hell!? There is a TON of them like that under my bed... Those were just the only ones that we pulled out there is still probably close to 15 more under there. I can't sleep with my hair up so its always down which means there is no bobby pins in my hair that I could be taking out in my sleep and bending them and throwing them under the bed! We have some crazy freak doing voo doo with bobby pins in our apartment! AhHhH! We are living in House on Haunted Oakhurst!